Don't Hit My Mum - effect of DV on kids

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

Just saw this excellent programme Don't Hit My Mum with Alesha Dixon looking at how DV affected her life, and meeting children, adults and even perpetrators to find out the truth about DV. Her mum's partner used to beat up her mum apparently. There are some really sad bits - the little boy talking about watching his mum and baby sister being thrown down the stairs for example :( But I thought it was a really good film, talked a lot about how it's not just physical abuse, but emotional, wearing people down etc.

Anyone else see it?

I wanted to, but decided against it;I could not bear to see their little pained faces and be reminded of my own. 30 years on, my father is dead, I am still a light sleeper (always had one ear open for any noise that means my Ma is getting knocked around the house). sighs

The emotional scars never fade. Never.

SA

I saw it. I thought the stuff about teaching children at school about the signs of abuse was really good. Is this something that happens? It really should if it doesn't already.

I'm glad she talked to Camilla Batmangeilidh (sp?) about the effects of violence on children's brains. I was interested that she (CB) mentioned that there were intensive programmes for children who didn't have good attachment as children to help them deal with the after effects of violence and remodel their brains. Again I don't know if this is something that happens a lot or if this is just something that her charity does but sounds like it should be widely available I think.

SurreyAmazon - sorry about your experiences.

Oh SA - so sorry :( Just as well you didn't I think. There was an interview with a girl and her daughter, the daughter saying how she used to try and block out the noise of the abuse while she was falling asleep, cuddling the dog for comfort.

I don't think they do teach kids at school about domestic violence/bad relationships and how to be aware of warning signs, the fact that you can call the police etc. IIRC they are going to start talking to teenagers about it, but AD thought that younger kids should be given that advice/support too.

It's a bit crazy isn't it - thousands of kids are living with this every day, yet some people would object to the school talking about it on the grounds of ruining their innocence or some such

Maybe girls, mid teens, should be informed about dv. If you haven't come across this as a child, you really have no perception of how it can take you completely unaware in later life, I don't think.

I think children should be taught about it. I don't know about how others have delt with their own relationships after living with DV as a child , but I often found myself in bad relationships questioning whether it was actually that bad because he only hit me once/only calls me names/only witholds money etc.

Living with DV can skew your perception of what a healthy relationship should be like.

SA I remember that feeling all too well. It's awful isn't it? I'd lay awake waiting for him to hit her again so I could hear her scream and know that last punch wasn't one too far . I'd kill a man who dared to my children through that.

I watched it even though it was hard and made me cry. When you are a child, you don't realise other people experience it too.

It needs to be spoken about, particularly to teenagers, so they know it is NOT ok to be hit, threatened, pushed, pressured etc. before they settle into repetitive relationship patterns like my mum.

I would never expose my children to the fear and violence I had to live with as a child.

Dooin - yes. Your experience has, unfortunately, educated and informed (please excuse the terminology) you about this.

Unfortunately, dv, when it is physical, can happen after ea has already conditioned the person into a state where she lets him get away with stuff that someone looking on objectively would not.

If you haven't had a childhood in which there was any dv, you just don't know all this.

yes i saw it and i thought it was an excellent programme, shame it was on so late and not widely advertised (or did i miss lots of adverts on it leading up to the programme) i found the actual phone call recording to the police as the husband was screaming at her just b4 he choked her very harrowing, especially as she was saying "dont do it please dont do it" the fear in her voice sent a chill down my spine, poor lady so glad she was able to get out with her daughter,

I only really learnt about it on MN, because I was lucky enough to grow up in a house where the worst thing that happened was stuff being thrown around. But having read so much on here, I now feel able to support my friends who I see getting into EA relationships, and keep an eye out/point them in the direction of some reading/support.

I do think that both boys and girls should learn about it though. Boys need to learn a) that they are not permitted to hurt or abuse their boyfriends/girlfriends and b) that if they are the victim of violence that it is not ok and there is help out there, and of course c) that what they may have seen at home is not OK or inevitable.

I'm preoccupied by two things that some of you have mentioned on this thread. One is the business of lying in bed, hearing violence and trying to shut it out; the other is the difficulties forming close relationships that follow on from childhood exposure to DV. Both of these things have effected me. I remember lying awake, straining to hear, and once or twice rushing downstairs to try and stop things. I also feel I'm a bit buggered in terms of intimate relationships, because there is so much you just have to switch off from.

I wrote a story for an online competition that sprang from my own experiences (though is fictional). It ishere if anyone feels like looking at it. I feel very very vexed and guilty at the relationship I have with my mother, the victim, as well as my father -- because of this business of closing away from her in the face of things that were a bit too much to handle.

(Namechanged for this but am regular)

They do teach DV at school I grew up with a lot of DV of both my GP when I slept there and later on my parents and my dad and mum were arguing down the school and my dad went to hit my mum (they were one as bad as the other) and as usual I got in the middle so he would hit me instead which meant he would stop because he would not hit me and neither would my mum.

My teachers and friends all saw this and they were havinf a DV awareness week which I was kept out of and allowed to go and help my art teacher with making the wall presentation. They had police officers and loads of other stuff this was 8 years ago. I was offered school counseling as well and they asked if I wanted to speak out which I did as all the children had seen anyway and I urged any children who were having problems of any kind at home to see the school counsilor.

I couldn't watch it. I left my physically and mentally abusive xh 9 years ago now, but I still struggle to watch anything like that. Even if it's in a soap opera!

My ds's were definitely both effected, particularly ds2 who at 19, nearly 6ft and a big built lad seems to be abused/bullied by his gf. I feel powerless to help. Previously he had some anger management "ishoos", but some excellent counselling (from a man who was in the police) and an anger management course run by ss sorted him out. My ds1 has and will probably never admit out loud what went on in our house.

It makes me very sad that I left it so long t leave, but I tried so many times previously and just couldn't manage it without some support.

It really effects your children, so if anyone is reading this and is in an abusive relationship, then please please do something about it now.

I am one of three children and we never ever talk about it. It was this huge unspoken thing, just a black hole that all our emotions fell into and got lost in. All three of us are still affected by it. Luckily, although we see little of each other, there is a very loving compassionate bond between us, a sort of shared trauma like soldiers have from battle, but it would still seem really hard to talk about it. And the idea of mentioning it to my father is inconceivable. I feel sure he would have some way of just saying it didn't happen, that we were little and had misunderstood, or that my mother had caused it or misrepresented it. And he would believe what he was saying, even though he hit her many times and was even charged with attempted murder once. My mother divorced my dad when I was about 20, and died a few years ago, though all the issues of the past are still kind of alive in an unresolved way in my head.

alternative - my xh used to swear blind that certain situations hadn't happened. Coincidentally I couldn't actually remember a lot of things that happenend, although a lot of it came back to me when I had counselling and afterwards. I wonder if ds1 has a similar thing, obviously being the eldest he probably remembers more. It's just so sad, even now.

I'm sorry harrassed. That all sounds hard. But it does seem that you have given your children space to talk/acknowledge insofar as they are able, and I think that would have made a huge difference to me as a child. I also want to say that my brother, the only boychild of my parents, is the most solid, empathetic, healing person. He is sad in many ways, he has low self-esteem. But he is a wonderful, caring dad and partner, and he works as a carer with teenagers in sheltered housing that have had to leave difficult homes.

alternative - that really resonates with me although I have talked to one of my sisters about it. What I find interesting is that she remembers some things and I've remembered others and between us, we've pieced a lot of what happened together. When we've reminded one another of particular events, the memory returns. I presume it's the events that we found particularly traumatic that we have blanked?

I doubt my father would ever admit to any of it. Some of it seems almost unbelievable now (my parents are still together and very elderly).

I will read your story at a later time if I may.

anonymous, it sounds like you could be my sister. When I say we never talk about it, that is an exaggeration. I never have spoken with my brother, and I feel that there is a mountain of unspoken stuff between the three of us, but recently I had a tentative talk with sister. I actually asked her 'Was it true?' -- not meaning 'Were any of the events true?' but meaning 'Am I right to think it wasn't normal, that it was devastating and that is shaped us?'
Although I knew what had happened, I also didn't know, couldn't give validation to my memory, couldn't give weight to it. Because I had blanked the emotion I suppose. She is older than me and was able to chip in memories that helped me to bring something fractured together a little bit.

Definitely not your sister - only girls in my family :o I am very close in age with my younger sister and so there is a lot of stuff we experienced which my elder one wasn't around for (she was a few years older and chose to go to boarding school - wonder why? :( )

I do remember very clearly getting the lightbulb moment when I realised that not all families were like this. One of my friends was shoved against a wall and threatened by my dad (he was huge so not remotely scared) and my friend afterwards said 'Jesus, is your dad often like that?'

I must have been about 17-18 and seriously, before then, I honestly thought what happened in our house was completely and utterly normal.

That's why I think it's really important to talk to children so that they realise it isn't normal.

Harassed, within minutes of my H screaming abuse at me, i couldn't even remember what had been said. My ears would sort of buzz and i would find it hard to recall what had been going on only moments before, I'm sure this was some sort of coping mechanism, my head was blocking it all out

I remember holding my blankets up to my ears to drown out the noise of my father beating my mother.

I remember the ambulances being called, too many times to count.

I remember being afraid to sleep over at anyone elses house as I was afraid he would kill her while I was gone

I remember having nightmares that he would kill me while I slept.

The best day of my life was the day she left. I was 9 years old.

I suffer to this day from severe anxiety, I am 41 and will never get over it.

Alternative, that's a powerful story.

Reading the posts on here, I'm so glad I left exH when DD was 18 months. He wasn't beating me up, but he was edging in that direction (poked finger in my eye, pushed me around, threw a suitcase at me, backed me up against a wall to scream in my face, that kind of thing). I did not want my DD to grow with those kind of memories. Home has to be a safe place.

Nickname - that's exactly how it started for me. Unfortunately I was only 18, pregnant and had no idea what was happpening or how to deal with it. By the time I realised I had to leave, I had no self confidence left to be able to.

After watching the programme it inspired me and my friend to write this song. It would be amazing to get it to Alesha somehow...

After watching the programme it inspired me and my friend to write this song. It would be amazing to get it to Alesha somehow...

harassed, I was 33 and the family breadwinner and I had no such excuses. But I still found it hard - I really had to struggle against my own sense of disbelief.