Temptation- thinking of telling OH

[IAmFatherChristmas]

I'm a regular lurker and occasional poster but I've namechanged for this.

OH and I have been married for 7 years, together for 13. He's a lovely, lovely bloke and my best friend. We have a nice life together but it can be mundane, like most long-term relationships, I guess.

Sex life is not bad. It's always me that initiates it and OH and I are on different body clocks- he's a morning person and I'm a night owl; I go to bed later than him etc so sex doesn't happen all that often. When it does, it's usually satisfying for us both; sometimes it's brilliant.

Recently, I have been in contact with someone from my past. Our contact was totally innocent initially but has recently become increasingly suggestive and flirtatious. I have been getting a huge buzz out of it and frankly, I have a massive crush on this guy. I think I'd forgotten what it feels like to get truly weak at the knees.

Conversations are getting more heated and I don't seem to be able to make it stop happening.

I have a really strong feeling that I should tell OH about it. I hate keeping things from him and just feel that he should know. I realise there is a possibility that he'll be really hurt and of course that makes me sad but I keep thinking that I would want to know if the shoe was on the other foot.

Has anyone any experience of a situation like this that you'd be willing to share?

(Please try not to shout at me...I'm probably a really horrible person, I realise, but I'm feeling a tad confused about it all).

I don't think you should tell DH that you are thinking of being unfaithful to him - how would that help the situation? It might make you feel a bit less guilty because you're being "honest" about it, but you'd be hurting him for no good reason.

You - you the grown-up married woman - need to make it stop happening, not rely on DH to stop you by hurting him.

Think about what you want here - do you want to end your marriage, or do you want to fix it? Talk to DH about how things have slipped, put on your best frock and go out for dinner. Make time for sex with him. Remind yourself why you love him and decided to marry him.

I think the fact you still get on really well with your dh and have brilliant sex after being together as long as you have says a lot about both of you.

It's understandable to be excited at attention from someone else BUT what kind of man gives that kind of attention to a happily married woman?

The past is the past and the fact you are not married to him says something, think of the reasons why that is and also consider if you honestly think that if you could turn back time would you do it differently?

Fwiw I wouldn't tell your dh because I think it will blow over and cause him hurt to think you fancy someone and have these feelings, but I don';t know your dh, maybe he would want to know.

I think you should try to put the fire back into your relationship with your dh, get pampered, wear some sexy clothes, change your hair, wear heels, join a gym together or something so you change your daily mundane life and do things together more. Maybe you could both do an evening class or go running or swimming etc

You do know you can have sex during the day and not just in a bed so maybe try suprising your dh sometimes or ask him to suprise you hth

Yes tell him about it. And yes you are able to stop anything happening with the OM - you are not powerless and everything you do from this moment onwards is a choice.

The conversation goes like this:

"I love you to bits and would never be unfaithful to you. I also know that how ever much we love eachother, we are not immune from temptation, fancying other people every now and then and even having a crush. I would understand it if it happened to you.

But I also understand that if we keep crushes like this a secret, they take on a life of their own and that secrecy fuels them. So this is what happened to me recently....(tell story).

I know I've been silly about this and the warning bells should have gone off a bit sooner, but I'm telling you now so that we can deal with this together and without the secrecy element. It's because I love you so much that I don't like having secret friendships, because I know where they can lead to and it's a place I don't want to go.

I don't expect you to be thrilled with my behaviour and I'd be a bit pissed off too if the shoe was on the other foot, but I know if I thought about it afterwards, I'd be so grateful that you told me about it, before you crossed any major lines. That you were sufficiently invested in me and our relationship that you put the brakes on before any damage was done. I love you."

Now, you'll probably get some initial hurt and pain, but if he goes away and thinks about this, he will realise that you have in fact given him an enormous gift. He might say in retaliation that he has never had a crush and wouldn't expect to. That crushes shouldn't happen in "good" relationships.

But they do happen and we need to be honest and adult about this and face up to them. Crushes only become harmful if they are acted on, after a period of keeping a delicious secret. They do not spell doom and they are not the hallmark of a weak character, especially if a person is mature, pragmatic and honest enough to keep a perspective about them and not fall headlong into romantic love with the first person who makes us go weak at the knees.

If he has any trouble understanding all this, a good book for you both to read would be Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass.

I should also add that your H will have a much clearer perpspective than you about the OM's intentions. What you might be framing as romantic words from a thoroughly decent, loveable man, would be interpreted rather differently by your H, who will be able to cut through any delusions about the sort of character who thinks it's permissible to hit on a married woman.

Try and reverse this. If a damsel in distress was messaging your H and telling him how wonderful he was, how sexy he was and she hoped his wife appreciated him - then you would see right through what your H might delude himself was a poor woman having a hard time and who just needed a bit of friendly support. Her agenda would be unmistakeable and you would want to suggest much firmer boundaries to your H.

Now, I'm sure you are pretty clear-sighted that in reality, both you and the OM want to have sex with eachother and I'm sure you're not daft enough to think either of your intentions are other than romantic and sexual. But your H's perspective will be crucial in seeing the OM in the clearest light possible and chances are, he is not after a soul-mate, but some no-strings sex with a "safe" married woman.

I have recently been caught up in a similar scenario but the difference is that I am the betrayed spouse.

Another woman came onto my husband but he didn't need much persuasion.

My husband and the other woman didn't have a physical relationship, it was all in the virtual world of texting. Like your relationship with this man, it was flirtatious and suggestive. As far as I am concerned (and my H now agrees) he has been unfaithful to me. He has had a relationship that he kept secret.

As WWIFN says, please talk to your husband about this before it goes any further. It's also best if you confess all rather than him finding out some other way. His reaction (and in turn your response to his reaction) may be what is needed to get your relationship back on track with the little niggles you have - it should give you such a fright that you will realise what you have isn't worth messing with the the sake of a worthless affair.

Our sex life 'wasn't bad' either, but now it's fantastic .

Are you sure it's a crush on this guy giving you these feelings or is it just the fact that you are getting some attention and adoration?

Sorry, I should probably clarify that this wasn't a blast from the past with my H, they had only met once so it is different in that respect.

You are in the throes of an emotional affair.
You have to be adult about this, and not risk your marriage and your family happiness because words on a screen are tickling your emotions and the elastics on your knickers. Block contact, delete from facebook, etc. jadda jadda, it wont end well unless you dont.

Thank you for your honest opinions and suggestions, I appreciate them.

I certainly don't want my marriage to end. I know I have found a very good man and we have a good life together. I would be a fool to throw it all away and I couldn't be without OH.

I do need to make more time for sex with OH and he needs to initiate it sometimes too as I don't feel desired. Obviously that is one of the things I am getting from the OM...the flattery of being so wanted in that way.

LoveMyGirls You make some good points. The OM was only 16 when I knew him and it was a purely physical relationship at the time so there would never have been any question of settling down with him. Neither of us were looking for love at that time.

As for the effort stuff..well, I think I look after myself pretty well...I exercise a lot to keep myself trim, I wear nice clothes and have started wearing more make-up to counteract the aging effect :) If I'm honest, it's probably OH who could do with making a bit more effort. I do find him attractive but not in a particularly lusty way :( He keeps saying he's going to start doing some weights again to tone up but never seems to get around to it.

To be fair to him, he works a lot and it's hard to fit other stuff around that so we just don't have the opportunity to spend time together as a couple/pursuing a hobby/having sex!

WhenwillIfeelnormal Thank you for your advice- that is very much how I envisaged the conversation going. I am quite sure OH has had his share of flirtations over the years and I can't help but think it might be better if we could share these experiences with each other.

I take your point, too, about the OM. I am under no illusions at all about his possible intentions. He is certainly after nothing more than no-strings sex and that, TBH, is what appeals to me too. I have no romantic ideas whatsoever about this man- it is purely a physical infatuation. He is very, very attractive. All of which makes me sound very shallow, I realise. If this were a man talking, I'd be seriously unimpressed...I just never expected pure lust to get the better of me to quite such an extent.

Hmm..you use the present tense OP - no-strings sex with the OM "appeals" to you. You're being honest and I commend you for that, but if that's really what you're after and you're missing the loss of being desired by your H, tell him that's what's missing and that you need it, but ideally from him and no-one else.

If on the other hand you realise you're the sort of person who needs to be desired by lots of men, try to resolve that within yourself, because having an affair of any kind won't sate that desire. You will just become the sort of person who is serially unfaithful, because one man desiring you is never enough. Meanwhile, there will be hurt and havoc in your wake.

Talking to your H gives him the opportunity to wake up out of any complacency and recognise you as a desirable woman. Not telling him means that he is not on a level playing field and instead of sending you sexy texts about that evening, he will still be asking if you've put the bins out or fed the cat.

And now that you have posted this and considered it all, if you don't talk to your H about this, you will know precisely why, won't you?

WhenWillIFeelNormal You make so much sense. I will tell OH this week.

Quint and PB...sorry, hadn't seen your posts when I posted my last one. Very good points, thank you.

Something else I'm trying to remind myself is that..OM is just another man. I haven't seen him for 15 years and the memories I have of him are such that it's easy to remember him as something he may not actually be. Daresay he's probably got some really unattractive habits :)

How are you Father Christmas? Have you told him? How are things now between you?

Hi PBGirl. Thank you for asking after me.

I'm ok thanks. I haven't told OH yet. Have been out exercising every night this week while he works. Avoidance.

There has been no contact with OM since I last posted.

Sorry to read that you are on the other side of such a situation but I'm glad to hear that you and your OH seem to be doing ok.

I told OH last night. It did not go down well, unsurprisingly.

He insisted on seeing the messages I have exchanged with the object of my affections. He read all of them.

He is very, very angry and upset. He says he can't think about me without feeling physically sick. He won't look at me and won't speak to me other than minimal exchanges re. house/children stuff.

He fucking hates me and I don't blame him. He is out tonight and says we will talk tomorrow about 'the future'.

Fuck. Can't believe I may have ruined everything for a short-lived, cheap thrill. What an idiot.

I am so sorry.

I am afraid that I belong to the "I don't tell" brigade, and another poster and I have had rather heated discussions here about it. No doubt she will be along to tell you that now you can start re-building things. I'm afraid I believe that anyone who has had an affair or a flirtaion has to live with that knowledge and find a way of continuing in their primary relationship, without divulging all, if the affair etc is dead in the water.

None of this helps you now. he is bound to feel very very hurt- I think you were extremely naive to think you could get this off your chest and there would be no fallout. What did you hope to gain?

Are you able to start building bridges? Is this the point at which you could have couples' counselling?

All that you can do is to talk to him and make him see what was missing from your relationship with him which presumably made you vulnerable to the attentions of another man.

I haven't read all this thread yet, but I just think that if you were given advice to reveal everything - it was not very sensible. That is too late now, but I think this 100% honesty stuff is highly overrated and says a lot about people's own needs for power and control in relationships and their insecurities that their partner might ever find someone else attractive.

You are not under any obligation to reveal every single thing you have ever done or said to anyone - not even your husband. You chose to get into a flirty exchange with a guy you had a crush on but you didn't take it any further. To be honest, this is pretty small fry in the general scheme of things. Why should your partner know every tiny detail? He doesn't own you. I would never reveal things to my partner that I was not 100% happy to reveal, and he would never expect me to. We both respect the fact that ultimately it is up to us what we do, say, reveal etc.

Also, his response is not encouraging - as though he owns you! So - you got into a flirty exchange with a bloke you fancy! Hey - so what. Your husband should be flattered that another bloke fancies you and you had the restraint not to do anything about it and the honesty to tell him (although personally I think it was a bad idea as you know your husband better than anyone and might have been able to predict he would not take it well).

In your shoes I would be irritated that my partner had flounced off like a big girl's blouse and not taken it on the chin.

Sometimes I find the melodrama on here attached to infatuations/crushes/emotional affairs just - ridiculous really. Like the whole world is going to come crashing down just because someone who is married fancies someone else and gets into a little flirtation.

I mean - pleeeeeaaase!

Tell your husband to get over himself.

Thanks for your thoughts ladies.

purple I knew there would be some fallout; just didn't want to face it. I told him because it was wrong and I thought he deserved to know.

tadpoles Thank you for your post...honestly, he is not in the least bit controlling. I probably played things down too much in my OP....it was way more than flirtatious chit-chat. I have not met up with the guy but there have been some very intimate situations played out via online and text messages.

OP- what do you want to happen?
Is your marriage in trouble? Was it in trouble before this ex reared his head?

I agree totally with tadpole.

You seemed very short sighted over what would happen if you told your DH. Why on earth did you need to?
I am not religious at all, but I can see a place for the confessional process where people unburdened themselves to a disintereted party- and left their loved ones ignorant, while they got a grip of their emotions.

Absolute truth about every emotion and thought we have is not necessarily the basis for a happy marriage. Crushes, flirtations or whatever are a normal part of many people's lives and usually they blwo themsleves out.

To possibly hurt and even destroy another person by revealing all of this is purely self-indulgent.

If you needed to tell because you felt that you were feeling neglected, then maybe you should have communicated that in other ways- not by showing flrity messages.

But they were just that- messages and chats- you have really not committed a hanging offence.

He "deserved to know"?
Are you mad?
You told him to clear your conscience.

How can you not see that telling would hurt him- is that what you felt he deserved?

Of course I didn't think he deserved to feel hurt. I told him because I thought it was the right thing to do. I'm obviously ridiculously naive. Would it have been better for him to find out another way?

Can't see the point in telling all.

You (presumably) thought you would feel better - but unsurprisingly don't.
Your DH certainly feels like shit.

You knew it was a crush, you are an adult who could choose to stop it when you want. Instead you've gone for the dramatic 'Eastenders Xmas Episode'. Why?

But why was it right?
What do you mean?
You are not a child and he is not your parent who you have to admit mis-demeanours to!

I am sure that what you mean is it made you feel better ....to come clean.

Why would he have found out another way?
Surely what is on your phone/email etc is yours and yours alone?

It depends what kind of relationship you want. I don't believe there's a right or wrong way to deal with it; I do know that, personally, I'm not interested in any relationship that's not completely honest and authentic.
Other people have different priorities, that's fine for them, but your instinct was to be open; I think for you, that was the right thing.

Thanks for you thoughts. I have already explained why I confessed. Nothing to do with Eastenders FFS. Have I mistakenely wandered into AIBU rather than Relationships?

Wasn't expecting everyone to pat me on the head and be all nice to me but the tone of some replies are...I don't know, I'm obviously feeling a bit too tender for this right now. Think I best bow out. Thank you anyway though.

I already felt like a cunt, now I feel like a complete cunt so thanks very much for that.

Thank you post.