Temptation- thinking of telling OH

[IAmFatherChristmas]

I'm a regular lurker and occasional poster but I've namechanged for this.

OH and I have been married for 7 years, together for 13. He's a lovely, lovely bloke and my best friend. We have a nice life together but it can be mundane, like most long-term relationships, I guess.

Sex life is not bad. It's always me that initiates it and OH and I are on different body clocks- he's a morning person and I'm a night owl; I go to bed later than him etc so sex doesn't happen all that often. When it does, it's usually satisfying for us both; sometimes it's brilliant.

Recently, I have been in contact with someone from my past. Our contact was totally innocent initially but has recently become increasingly suggestive and flirtatious. I have been getting a huge buzz out of it and frankly, I have a massive crush on this guy. I think I'd forgotten what it feels like to get truly weak at the knees.

Conversations are getting more heated and I don't seem to be able to make it stop happening.

I have a really strong feeling that I should tell OH about it. I hate keeping things from him and just feel that he should know. I realise there is a possibility that he'll be really hurt and of course that makes me sad but I keep thinking that I would want to know if the shoe was on the other foot.

Has anyone any experience of a situation like this that you'd be willing to share?

(Please try not to shout at me...I'm probably a really horrible person, I realise, but I'm feeling a tad confused about it all).

Well if you had answered some of the questions, instead of having a hissy fit, it might help.

I asked if your relationship was in trouble before this happened, if you would go to counselling etc, what you were getting from this guy that you aren't getting from DH...

You can't close the stable door, but you can look forward.

You said in an earlier post that had the shoe been on the other foot, you would have wanted to know.

Why? Would it be a starting point for a conversation about your marriage, or would it be the end of it?

I know you will still be reading, so you need to think over what to do now.

Have you talked to anyone in RL?
If you can, it might help.

I really do think that you were unrealistic to expect your DH to "understand". How many men would "understand" their wives having phone sex with someone else- which is what I assume you had.

If you misjudged him here, do you really know him at all?

PP - recognise when you are not helping and kindly leave the thread. This is not the place for ' I told you so' - it may have been different if you had posted prior to IAFC making the decision to tell her husband but to wade in after is just sheer bad manners.

Thread was moving too fast at that point for my befuddled head to cope with answering all the questions.

Hissy fit.....hmmmmm...again, quite unhelpful language really. I am a person, not just words on a screen. Sorry, am in pain so yes, probably being ultra-sensitive.

Was the relationship in trouble before this happened? No, not at all. Very comfortable, loving relationship. Rows are rare. He's my best friend.

Yes, I would go to counselling if OH wanted to.

What I was getting from this guy....a lot of very flattering sexual attention. Awakened something very lustful in me that hasn't been around for quite a long time. Weak at the knees type of thing.

I would want to know if the shoe was on the other foot because I would be sad to think that OH had another, secret life away from me and that I was not providing something that he needed.

It wouldn't be the end of our relationship. I am reasonably confident I could forgive a one-night stand or brief sexual affair. No way of knowing really as it's never happened.

Have spoken to RL friends, yes. They are being very supportive.

Not sure I expected him to understand. Knew he'd be hurt. Certainly didn't assume it was going to be an easy conversation.

LA I am sorry but it is not really your place to tell me or anyone not to post.

OP- I hope you find a way through this.

Was the OM married too? If so, take some comfort from the fact that he was acting like a cad, and not behaving in a very nice way.

Think we'll get through it purple. 13 good years vs a few weeks of smutty words on a screen. I know I'd be able to get past that, hopefully OH will too.

The OM not married, no.

IAFC; just read your thread and really wanted to offer support.

I don't necessarily think telling your husband was the best move, but that's my personal opinion and I realise that's not what you want to hear.

How are things with your DH at the moment? Have you spoken today? Have you spoken to the OM at all again? Now that things are going a bit pear shaped at home, it'd be really easy to go ahead and see the OM because the damage has been done, so to speak. You need to be even stronger now, so keep coming and talking about how you feel; there will always be people on here to listen and help you out.

Perhaps a positive thing to do would be to go out together to talk it through. Staying in the house means you can scream and shout at one another; you can't do that in a public place like a coffee shop. It'll force you to keep your voices calm, take turns speaking and you'll have to listen to one another. I don't think this needs to be a deal breaker between you two. A crush is a crush. Yes, you shouldn't have flirted with the OM; that was unnecessary. But (and I'm not trying to excuse your behaviour, but it's true!) not many people go through a whole relationship without having a little crush or a flirt with someone.

If your DH did the same to you, would you be able to forgive him?

OP sorry if I seemed harsh- I think my anger was mis-directed- i am afraid that I think you were given bad advice by WhenwillIfeelnormal- what worked for ehr does not work for everyone.

PM sent.

IAFC* - hello, I have posted occasionally on other threads of a similar nature.

I had an 18 month emotional affair with a MM who was a business acquaintance. With hindsight I made all the running, despite the fact he had "come on to me" in the first instance.

In the summer, it became clear to me he no longer wanted contact with me. I was very cut up about this, to the extent my relationship with my DH of 24 years and my two teenage DS was suffering.

We were about to embark on a 3 week summer holiday so (long story short) I told OM I was disappointed he hadn't been able to "end things" properly with me. At the same time I decided, rightly or wrongly - and we are all different, we all have different sets of circumstances - to make a confession to my DH.

I felt he needed to know "where I'd been" and why, in order for us to move forwards. Fundamentally, I did not want my marriage going down the tubes all for the sake of my own vulnerability and the OM's lack of kindness/decency.

We had a full and frank discussion about where our marriage was. I apologised for my wrongdoing and lack of judgement and DH took it all on board, to his credit - he could have gone mad, I guess.

We are now moving forward in a different climate if you like. He probably doesn't trust e like he did, but we are both making effort in a way we weren't before.

It's not perfect but at least I am no longer being dishonest and I realise that leading a sort of double life was killing me.

You will get plenty of advice on here but I think ultimately you need to analyse your relationship. After all you know you and your DH better than any of us.

Not sure if that's a help or a hindrance, just my take, and my own experience FWIW.

Just reread more of this thread IAFC

Again FWIW, I now see the EA I had as a monumental crush. At my age!! (early 50s - OM was late 40s.

We don't ask these things to happen. They just do and in my experience have the potential to bring us to our needs.

I'm glad I was brave enough to face up to it all with OM and with DH.

I didn't automatically expct DH to understand. He was quite cross and said he didn't want OM ever to darken our doorstep again.

Both men showed their true colours. OM a bit of a cad, DH solid and loyal.

I was lucky I guess. Things aren't perfect now but I feel better for tackling it all head-on.

Meant, bring us to our knees!
Sorry, Friday night glass of wine talking!

OP I think telling your dh was the only way to inject some reality in to a dangerous situation. The hard thing to do but the right thing for a true future, if you and dh make it.

I bet the cold light of day has indeed cooled the crush and shown it for what it was. I can understand your dh being incredibly angry and hurt but I think he needs time to digest things,

I hope it works out for you, I believe you did the right thing.

Thank you, thank you, thank you a million times over for these heartfelt and thoughtful posts. I am too tired and emotional and a bit too drunk to digest it all tonight but I have been buoyed up by your messages and I will read them again tomorrow and post in response. Thank you.

(I realise I mistakenly posted under my usual name earlier but I don't think it matters much, don't really know anyone here)

I am drunk but....I have just spoken to OH for the first time since my confession.

He loves me and has forgiven me. He is coming home tomorrow and wants to hug me for a very long time. We still have a lot of talking to do, of course, but...
I am blessed.

What else can I say? I am excited about our future.

Yes, wrong name again. Don't think it matters.

You did what felt right for you and your dh and although there will no doubt be fall out I think it sounds like you made the right choice for both of you. It could be the start of a new chapter for you both where you acknowledge/confront issues and value one another even more than before.

If you'd kept it to yourself you may have carried on comparing the OM to your DH and found him wanting which would be destructive (no one can compete with a fantasy can they?)

Now it's out in the light you will probably start to see the the OM in a new light to and I doubt he will compare favourably any longer.

That is good news. I hope you sort it out op, and the hangover isn't too bad

This could be the start of a better marriage now you have felt the fear of losing him, and appreciate what you have. Best of luck, and be patient with your dh. x

Thank you very much indeed. I really do appreciate you sharing your thoughts and experiences and I identify with so much of what's been said.

JazzieJeff...I think you're right. Whilst things are difficult and distant with OH, it might be all too easy to be tempted to see the OM so I need to be strong, I know I can be.

izquierda Thank you for posting about your experience. Like you, I am now seeing both men in a much clearer light. The OM is basically an opportunist. He is not remotely interested in my life or my emotional well-being; only in taking advantage of a situation which presented itself to him. OH, on the other hand, is a really genuine bloke who loves me very much.

Thank you perfumedlife for your support. The hangover is not too bad :)

Hi Father Christmas. I'm so sorry you are getting a complete slating from some of these posters. For what it's worth, I think you have done the right thing (and remember I have been there).

Honesty has to the the best policy. I know you had stopped contact with OM but chances are that you would have gone back for just a little bit more - my H did. I'm sure that because you have spoken to your H about this, it is completely over with the OM and you and your H can concentrate on rebuilding your relationship together.

You need to allow him his anger and shock, hopefully he will calm down and you can start talking and sort it all you.

You made a mistake but now you are doing your best to put it right, don't be too hard on yourself.

I'd only read the first page when I posted there, glad to see it has all calmed down a bit. Good luck.

OP, I'm glad you've got better news now. I'm not surprised at PurplePeony's and Tadpoles posts, but I'm sure you can guess why you've been getting their particular brand of advice . You certainly didn't deserve the posts you received in the last few days though.

When I post on a thread like this, I assume you are an intelligent woman who knows her H and her relationship rather better than we do. So you have the nouse to do what you believe is the best for you. I applaud you for your honesty throughout and for not falling back on the hackneyed defence that there were problems in your marriage, otherwise you wouldn't have done this. You always had the honesty and self-awareness to see that this was about you and you've also had the courage and decency to stop this in its tracks and use it as a platform for more honest communication with your H in the future.

Unlike others, I don't think you telling your H was to salve your conscience. But you could have taken the easy way out and pretended that you were keeping secrets so as not to hurt, when IME the real reason is to exert power and control in having a secret and an unwillingness to give up the material comforts provided by the deceived spouse.

Well done and I hope you will come back to this thread and update. I'm sure your relationship will be strengthened and if it helps at all, I said upthread that there was bound to be shock and hurt; there always is if the love is real! But much less shock and hurt than if your poor H had been secretly deceived for years and you went on to be physically unfaithful, perhaps more than once. You've had the courage to stop the rot and for that I applaud you and hope you will get the relationship you so richly deserve.

FWIW I think you were really brave to tell your DH and hope all works out.he's bound to be very hurt and angry ,but hopefully he will appreciate very much the fact you were able to recognise that what you were doing was crossing some major boundaries and put a stop to it.Some months ago I found out about my DH's EA and the many texts he exchanged with the OW from her partner which believe me was a complete shock- and altho we are back on track now it made recovery all the harder as I still feel if he hadn't contacted me my DH would cetainly have carried on for quite some time -and where else would things have led to?I've had to try to put those thoughts aside and accept how sorry he's been and all the good things he's done since-but your DH can take comfort in that you made a mistake but changed your behaviour sooner rather than later.Well done you!

Op - I am glad that things are better for you. I still stand by my opinion, which may differ from others but is nevertheless equally valid, that there is too much melodrama attached to crushes and emotional affairs on here. How much better to be honest and admit that these things can, and will happen and deal with it in a way that seems right. I think it is very important to have a counter argument to the fundamentalist approach that is prevalent on here that you will burn in the fires of hell if you so much as harbour an illicit thought about someone outside your marrige. It is a dishonest argument because it denies the reality for many people - the reality is the stories that you read on these boards. Not everyone gets married and lives happily ever after for the next 50 years. The bumps along the way are what life is all about.

Tadpoles just in case you are tarring me with this "fundamentalist" view that you attribute to posters on here, can I remind you of the reality of this thread at least?

This is what I posted downthread:

"Now, you'll probably get some initial hurt and pain, but if he goes away and thinks about this, he will realise that you have in fact given him an enormous gift. He might say in retaliation that he has never had a crush and wouldn't expect to. That crushes shouldn't happen in "good" relationships.

But they do happen and we need to be honest and adult about this and face up to them. Crushes only become harmful if they are acted on, after a period of keeping a delicious secret. They do not spell doom and they are not the hallmark of a weak character, especially if a person is mature, pragmatic and honest enough to keep a perspective about them and not fall headlong into romantic love with the first person who makes us go weak at the knees."

So both of us at least appear to acknowledge that crushes happen and that they don't make someone a bad person who should burn in hell?

However, our approach on how to deal with them evidently differs.

You wouldn't discuss them and if you did tell all and your partner reacted with hurt, you would think him a "big girl's blouse" and feel affronted that he was hurt and angry about you sending sexual messages to another man. I presume that if he had been doing the same to another woman, you would rather not know, or would turn a blind eye?

Of course your opinion is valid, but I just want to make sure that you're not attributing beliefs to me at least, that absolutely don't exist.