Marital rape

[CrawlingInMySkin]

I know all about moldies and the bat and Terry wogans cock, but I have name changed for this.

I have bipolar and when I was a child was severly neglected I met my boyfriend at age 13 and sensed that he was the same as me we later discovered he was different (recently diagnosed scizophrenic) no one gave a shit about me or him and at age 13 I would sleep over his house for months at a time.

We realised fairly quickly that what ever was wrong with us was not compatible he got very paranoid and when manic I got very secretive and was sexually promiscus. When he went on a episode (I don't know what they call it for Scizophrenia) he became paranoid that I would leave him and he became very violent towards me he would beat me and then sometimes urinate and spit on me tellingme I was a whore and deserved it. After a few months his vilent behaviour became my trigger to go manic (with bipolar you have triggers) so where before he would repeatedly beat me and I was powerless to stop him now if I realised I would go manic and fought back instead of just taking it. Most people probably think I am stupid for staying but the beatings were worth it for the times when we were both symtom free and I got to feel like someone loved me.

When I was 15 this escalated from just physical beatings I was manic and he looked at me and started to go cold and paranoid he started saying I was going to leave him did I think he was stupid. He told me he would break me make me behave and that he was going to rape me. As I was manic everything seemed funny and I laughed at him told him he could rape me if he wanted and he could break my body but he would never break my mind. He raped me I laughed at him and went out and slept with numerous people. The only reason I behaved like this was because I was manic and everything seems funny to me when I am manic and as I dissocosiate from my manic actions did not have to deal withthe event however it effected me enough to tell him we needed to stop having sex.

A few nights after that when I was sleeping and normal I woke to find him having sex with me I roughly pushed him off and vomited we argued he told me I was a slag and I never said no and so he felt like it would be okay. About 2 months after I was again normal and sleeping and woke up to find him doing this to me again I cried out for him to stop and he pressed my face into the pillow and carried on. This happened on a third occasion I was getting ready to go out and I didn't see the cold look in his eyes I had no time to be triggered he called me a whore and slapped me to the floor he repeatedly hit and kicked me until all the fight had left my bodythen he raped me analyy(He knew this was something I never wanted to do) as I lay there with tears running down my face so much that they were choking me I waited a while till I regained some strength then tried to pull myself away from him he grabbed my hair and lazily dragged me back and raped me vaginally. He then got up and left he run a bath and picked me up and threw me in I remember screaming in agony as the hot water penetrated my body. He left and when he came back up he had cooked me dinner and was acting like nothing was wrong. I found this more confusing I said I had to go home to get some clean clothes that I would be back and he made me kiss him before I could leave. I got in my house and my mother didn't even look up from her chair she said where have you been. I ignored her and went upstairs and sat inmy room crying.

Unfortunetly my ordeal was not over I was pg for the first time in my life my mum took a interest in me repeatedly telling me how much better her life would have been if she had aborted me and that I should terminate. I decided to kepp it I was not going to put my welfare before my babies welfare I was not my mum. I thought perhaps me and my boyfriend could get help and could make it work. I went over his and things were stable for a time. But then he began beating me while pg and I knew I had no choice I picked myself up and booked a termination I walked in alone and terminated. The termination went wrong but that is not important to this story I left my partner after nearly 3 years I was coming up to age 16. I have never told anyone about this because no one would believe me it sounds so far fetched so crazy but I swear this really did happen. Now 8 years on I have a good partner 2 wonderful children and I have just started seeking help for my illness. But I cannot sleep at night every time I close my eyes I am afraid that I am weaker and that I will wake up and someone will be violating my children, I am also afraid to take the meds because if I am confronted by someone violent I won't be able to go manic and I will be defencless again. Yes it does help when I was 17 I was working in a nightclub and had to clean the mens toilets and someone dragged me in a cubicle and threatened to inject me with a dirty needle of crack if I didn't sleep with him and I went manic and stopped him.

Why is my life so horrid what did I do I was just a child, I wasn't nasty I only ever wanted to help people. I am so scared I just want to be able to sleep without waiting till I pass out from exhaustion out of fear that I will wake and someone will be taking my children, I have pretended to have insomnia to my partner so he does not see, these are really the only issues I have and most people who see me always comment on how together I am and how strong I seem.

Sorry for the length

you poor love, does your dp know what happened to you? If not you should tell him, and you should be having counseling, you need to lift the lid on your demons in order to free yourself. Hugs.

How old is your ex? You could maybe report him for what he did?

He knows bits but he doesn't know everything I think if I tell him the whole thing he wont believe me it is like something out of a Virginia Andrews book.

He is pretty annoyed that even though I have hurt him and my children (mentally) with the bipolar I refuse to sleep and take meds which are very important in treating my condition.

I tried to report him a few months after he was older than me and overage but the police said there was no evidence and the lady I spoke to said judging by my lack of support and how fragile I was that she didn't think I would make it through the case, I recieved counselling but I found it hard to talk about this. I talked about other things my neglect but not this.

I'm crying. :(

Not much help, sorry.

Me and my mum are much better now when I was little she also had untreated mental health and that is why she behaved that way (I am still angry but I understand) but she recieves treatment now and is great, and I am so scared that if I don't get treatment I will do the same to my children.

He will be shocked, but he will believe you. You need to see your GP and get a referral to a counselor to help with the mental side of things and you must take your tablets, your dp will be seeing this as a refusal to help yourself, I can see where he's coming from but I also understand what you mean too.

I can't stress enough how much you need to talk about this to a RL person, you need to come to terms with what happened to you, you need to grieve for your traumatic childhood in order to lay it to rest. Then with the help of tablets you can start over again and learn that life can be amazing.

No one should have to go through the awful things that you have.

You think of going manic as a defense mechanism to protect yourslef, I understand that, but while you aren't taking medication to stabilise yourself, you are more vulnerable, and unfortunately there are some people who search out vulnerable people to abuse. This is not your fault. I hope you can see what I am saying, if you get yourself well, you won't need to trigger your mania to protect yourself, you will be confident and will want to take care of yourself, you will fight back on your own, if needed. But I hope that for you those terrible times are over.

What your ex did to you was awful, awful, awful and I'm not sure can be entirely blamed on his illness. You are probably very, very deeply hurt and traumatised by what he did, and at such a young age too - what the fuck was your mother thinking? Did she not see the need to protect you? She sounds like my mother, barely looking up from her magazine to look at me. If you were my daughter, I would have taken much better care of you and done everything I could to take care of you and stop all those things happening to you.

I am glad that you are able to seek help now. Let me tell you a few things that I have learnt that hopefully will help.

If you are feeling low - ask for help. Be honest about just how bad you are feeling.

Remember that you DO deserve help.

It was not your fault. You were under 16 and mentally ill. You should have been protected and cared for properly, and you weren't.

Send me a private message if there is anything that you want to ask or discuss but don't want to post on here. Remember mumsnet is always here for you.

I'd like to echo what loopylou said. I think you should try talking to your dp again, if you can. He will believe you.

I don't have much helpful to say, apart from that I've read your post and I'm so sorry that you've been through all this. You didn't do anything to deserve it.

But there are things you can do now to help you process and deal with what happened to you, and move forward to a better, happier life. Please see the GP. Soon. Please consider counselling again.

Special MN HUGS to you xx

X post, great advice from nemo too. Please listen to them x

You could use your kids as a spur on for you to speak out, speaking out is the key to getting better. You can do this, that monster robbed you of your tender years, don't let him take anymore of your precious life from you. Like nemo said mumsnet is always here to support you along the way and I too am happy for you to PM if ever you feel the need :)

Thank you I know I need to take the meds but as Nemofish said people seem to sence my vulnerability and target me (I used to think I was being paranoid) and I do use the mania to protect me. My mother has mental health issues severe depression and nervous breakdowns, and was in a abusive relationship herself and that is why she never looked to see where I was, I am angry and I hope if I was in the same place as her I would not be so blind she is trying to make up for it paying for private therapy for me it is just taking a while to come through.

I know I must find a way to take the meds as where my mania once protected me it is now destroying me. I am I guess practising on here before I admit this to my pychatrist.

Crawling, have you ever got in touch with Rape Crisis? Phone no is 0808 802 9999 and opens from 12 to 2.30pm and 7 to 9.30pm every day of the year. They also have drop in centres in some places, or will just talk to you about what happened, however much or little you want to say. It doesn't matter to them how long ago it is.

My partner knows he was cruel and had sadistic tendencies he could also be masochistic and would laugh when I hurt him. My partner suspects sexual abuse but he does not know for certain and he does not know that I used the mania in that way, so he does not understand why I won't take the meds.

As for my ex I hope it was the illness making him behave that way it makes it easier somehow. I don't want to hate him a part of me still loves him and everytime I go on a depression there is a tiny urge (a lot smaller now) to go back to him because my partner is really nice and I feel ashamed to let him see who I really am I don't feel like he deserves all the shit that he has to help pick up. I would never go back though it would break me and my partner and I love my parnter so much. I am seeking help I went to my doctor after my last episode and we are just waiting now but it is hard for me to talk about any of the above things for one thing it feels like a dream and I find it easier to talk on here where people cant see me.

No I have never spoken to rape crisis thank you I might give them a call

You poor girl, none of this is your fault, and the fact that some people sense your vulnerablity and target you for abuse shows what disgusting scumbags they are - it is true that abusive people have a good radar for those who are fragile in some way, but that is because they are abusive people who prey on others.

Please get yourself some proper help, this is too much to deal with on your own and there is help out there.
Best of luck.

Sorry to hear your story. It is very, very sad.
Please don't think that what this guy did was 'marital rape'. NOT because rape doesn't occur in marriage, of course it does, but because you were only a CHILD when it happened.
And calling it marital rape somehow makes it seem that you were of adult age (only adults can get married) when you were only a youngster who had little control over circumstances.

Your boyfriend was an abusive bully who took advantage of a CHILD, don't you ever think you are to blame for any of HIS appalling behaviour!

What your ex-boyfriend did was appalling. You are guilty of nothing at all.
Please take advice of others here and get advice/help. I wish you all the best.

Btw I had no problem believing you, not for a second.

Yes give them a call. Good on you.

Would you be able to print this out for your DP to read? I can imagine that verbalising it might be too big a step at first. I agree that he does need to know. You need lots of therapy and support to get to a place where you can live without fear and take your medication, and he needs to be part of that. xxx

I can show him this and I think maybe it would help him to understand. I am also grateful you have all believed me and it makes it easier for me to tell someone who knows me as if you can believe me then perhaps they will to.

The reason I worry so much about not being believed is because if I said all this to someone I would not shed a single tear. I learnt long ago that letting someone see you cry gave them a weapon to hurt you and I fought so hard to stop making things easy that I cannot cry anymore no matter how hard I try my throat burns and I start to choke and my eyes burn but outside I give no sign that I am even hurt. That is not normal most people speak about something that hurts them and they cry I don't just a cold indifference.

I am trying to speak out this is not all the things that have happened I have other events that are fairly traumatic but I need time to sort things out in my own mind before I can let another see but I am slowly making progress I have told my partner lately of things I have told no one like I was always a strange child preoccupied with sex and even as young as 6 I would dream of having sex even though I didn't know what it was.

Which always left me confused and led me to believe I was dirty, tainted and wrong, now I know it can be a symtom of childhood bipolar and although I have no evidence that that is the reason why it is comforting to know it might be. I only have evidence of bipolar after age 12-13. But I am speaking slowly I just need time.

You poor, poor thing. Thats just a horrible past to have behind you

I can't add anything more than to agree with the posters who say that I believe your story 100% and that I also believe that with the right help you can move on from this.

Would it be helpful perhaps to attend couselling on your own and then when you feel stronger maybe bring your DP in on the sessions to help him understand how you feel? If you have no experience of mental health disorders it can be hard to fully grasp the whys and wherefores. He may be thinking "the meds will cure her; she should take them" without knowing exactly why you feel against taking them. I can tell from reading your posts how conflicted you are

However difficult it may be remember that you DO deserve a kind DP and loving children, you never deserved the ex you had when you were a child.

Just wanted to say I believe you 100% too and I agree with LittleWolf in that yuo do deserve your lovely DP and DC's. Your ex was awful to treat you so so so badly. I have a close friend with manic bi polar and the meds make a world of difference to how she feels.

me too Crawling, me too XXXXX

Thank you I am ready when DP comes home and the DC are in bed I will let him see this thread and talk through it with him. He knows quite a bit so he will know not to touch me while I speak and he should be ok.

DP does have difficulty understanding the Bipolar he seems to think I either take meds or I get physcotherapy and the bipolar will be gone he does not see that it will never be gonne only controlled. He is going to ask his GP for seperate counseling first and then maybe we can join when we have both worked through our own issues we can get on the same page.