I know all about moldies and the bat and Terry wogans cock, but I have name changed for this.
I have bipolar and when I was a child was severly neglected I met my boyfriend at age 13 and sensed that he was the same as me we later discovered he was different (recently diagnosed scizophrenic) no one gave a shit about me or him and at age 13 I would sleep over his house for months at a time.
We realised fairly quickly that what ever was wrong with us was not compatible he got very paranoid and when manic I got very secretive and was sexually promiscus. When he went on a episode (I don't know what they call it for Scizophrenia) he became paranoid that I would leave him and he became very violent towards me he would beat me and then sometimes urinate and spit on me tellingme I was a whore and deserved it. After a few months his vilent behaviour became my trigger to go manic (with bipolar you have triggers) so where before he would repeatedly beat me and I was powerless to stop him now if I realised I would go manic and fought back instead of just taking it. Most people probably think I am stupid for staying but the beatings were worth it for the times when we were both symtom free and I got to feel like someone loved me.
When I was 15 this escalated from just physical beatings I was manic and he looked at me and started to go cold and paranoid he started saying I was going to leave him did I think he was stupid. He told me he would break me make me behave and that he was going to rape me. As I was manic everything seemed funny and I laughed at him told him he could rape me if he wanted and he could break my body but he would never break my mind. He raped me I laughed at him and went out and slept with numerous people. The only reason I behaved like this was because I was manic and everything seems funny to me when I am manic and as I dissocosiate from my manic actions did not have to deal withthe event however it effected me enough to tell him we needed to stop having sex.
A few nights after that when I was sleeping and normal I woke to find him having sex with me I roughly pushed him off and vomited we argued he told me I was a slag and I never said no and so he felt like it would be okay. About 2 months after I was again normal and sleeping and woke up to find him doing this to me again I cried out for him to stop and he pressed my face into the pillow and carried on. This happened on a third occasion I was getting ready to go out and I didn't see the cold look in his eyes I had no time to be triggered he called me a whore and slapped me to the floor he repeatedly hit and kicked me until all the fight had left my bodythen he raped me analyy(He knew this was something I never wanted to do) as I lay there with tears running down my face so much that they were choking me I waited a while till I regained some strength then tried to pull myself away from him he grabbed my hair and lazily dragged me back and raped me vaginally. He then got up and left he run a bath and picked me up and threw me in I remember screaming in agony as the hot water penetrated my body. He left and when he came back up he had cooked me dinner and was acting like nothing was wrong. I found this more confusing I said I had to go home to get some clean clothes that I would be back and he made me kiss him before I could leave. I got in my house and my mother didn't even look up from her chair she said where have you been. I ignored her and went upstairs and sat inmy room crying.
Unfortunetly my ordeal was not over I was pg for the first time in my life my mum took a interest in me repeatedly telling me how much better her life would have been if she had aborted me and that I should terminate. I decided to kepp it I was not going to put my welfare before my babies welfare I was not my mum. I thought perhaps me and my boyfriend could get help and could make it work. I went over his and things were stable for a time. But then he began beating me while pg and I knew I had no choice I picked myself up and booked a termination I walked in alone and terminated. The termination went wrong but that is not important to this story I left my partner after nearly 3 years I was coming up to age 16. I have never told anyone about this because no one would believe me it sounds so far fetched so crazy but I swear this really did happen. Now 8 years on I have a good partner 2 wonderful children and I have just started seeking help for my illness. But I cannot sleep at night every time I close my eyes I am afraid that I am weaker and that I will wake up and someone will be violating my children, I am also afraid to take the meds because if I am confronted by someone violent I won't be able to go manic and I will be defencless again. Yes it does help when I was 17 I was working in a nightclub and had to clean the mens toilets and someone dragged me in a cubicle and threatened to inject me with a dirty needle of crack if I didn't sleep with him and I went manic and stopped him.
Why is my life so horrid what did I do I was just a child, I wasn't nasty I only ever wanted to help people. I am so scared I just want to be able to sleep without waiting till I pass out from exhaustion out of fear that I will wake and someone will be taking my children, I have pretended to have insomnia to my partner so he does not see, these are really the only issues I have and most people who see me always comment on how together I am and how strong I seem.