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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Was it strange of him to have sent this message?

45 replies

JustParanoid · 21/11/2010 16:11

Have name changed because if DH is being reasonable, then I don't want to look like an idiot

DH went on a night out the other evening with some people from work- another man and two women.

I was away for a few nights so no idea when he got back etc. I was glad he was going out though because he hasn't done anything very social for ages.

This morning went on our computer to check my facebook, didn't realise it was logged in as him. Saw I had a new private message so went to have a look. This is when I realised it was his facebook account, but curiosity got the better of me and I kept reading anyway.

At 3am when he got in from the night out he has messaged her 'hope you have fun at work in 4 hours while I lie in bed'
She later replied 'I hate you lol xxx'
And the conversation continued a bit.

It has made me feel a bit weird and I don't know why. There is nothing wrong with enjoying the company of other people and having jokes with them and sending them messages etc. He is quite entitled to be friends with whoever he wishes. So why do I feel so strange about it?
He had said to me that everyone bar him had to be at work really early the morning after. So why didn't he send everyone an email? Why just this lady?

Am I being ridiculous? I don't know why I feel so weird about it...it's only a message FGS!

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 21/11/2010 16:14

Have you any other reason to feel concerned? Any past history, any change in behaviour?

It could just be friendly banter - I've seen similar messages between friends and their work colleagues - but if you are getting that gut feeling that something may be wrong, then perhaps it is.

lollipopshoes · 21/11/2010 16:16

perhaps he'd been having a conversation with her about the next day's work during the evening out which is why he sent the message...

It doesn't seem like much tbh but as thumbwitch says perhaps there;s more to it if you're feeling odd about it.

What was the rest of the convo like? was it flirty?

Original poster

JustParanoid · 21/11/2010 16:20

It was vaguely flirty but nothing specific you could actually point out as flirting.
It probably is just friendly banter.

I'm not sure why I feel uneasy. There has been this kind of thing in the past, years ago, flirty messages that went wayyyy past this point and definitely were too flirty. Maybe I am just concerned it will happen again. But then realistically I don't think he would ever do that to me again.

Then I think- why the private message? Why didn't he send a public message? Is this a stupid thought?

OP posts:

ChickensHaveNoMercyForTurkeys · 21/11/2010 16:22

Ah, see if he has previous form then I can totally see why you'd be uneasy. Tell him you've seen the message, and stare him in the eye while he reacts.

thumbwitch · 21/11/2010 16:25

He's done it before? Then you do have reason to feel suspicious uneasy about it.

Private message obviously so that it doesn't show up on his wall, but that could be because he doesn't want work colleagues taking the piss and making more of it than need be; or it could have been to hide it from you. BUT - if the latter, don't you think he would have taken more care to log off his FB account?

I suppose the only thing you can do is to lightheartedly say to him - "Oh I did the funniest thing today - i thought I had a new message on my FB and when I looked, it wasn't for me at all, because you had left your account logged on!" And see what you can gauge from his reaction.

If he goes ballistic, accuses you of snooping, or instantly defensive then I'd say you might have a problem. If he laughs it off or is indifferent to it, then chances are it's all innocent.

Do you think you can ask him or are you too afraid of his reaction?

dracschick · 21/11/2010 16:25

Thats not flirting.

Private messages are just that private between those you choose to share with......now pms that are flirty are generally quickly deleted and certainly are more provocative than that.

Let it go ......even if it were flirty theres little you can do about it.

Original poster

JustParanoid · 21/11/2010 16:28

I don't want to do anything Dracschick I just wanted to know if I was being totally ridiculous for feeling a bit weird And I agree, it wasn't flirting, but I felt the tone of the messages was generally flirty.

OP posts:

templemaiden · 21/11/2010 16:30

My dh has a very good female friend at work that he was friends with long before we even met. We have met and she is lovely.

If he sent her this message I wouldn't bat an eyelid.

If it were someone else though, it would be a little odder.

Only you can gauge whether it is odd or not, depending on what you know of their level of friendship.

LoveBeingAMummy · 21/11/2010 16:33

Not suprised you feel like this, not cause I think you have anything to be concerned about but because of last time. You need tobtalk to him and be honest, I saw this thought it was my ac till I read the message, it's reminded me how bad it was previously.

Gay40 · 21/11/2010 16:34

I'm not seeing anything strange, personally. But I think that men and women can be friends.

Original poster

JustParanoid · 21/11/2010 16:38

Oh dear Gay40, I think that men and women can be friends too, as I said in my first post.
Templemaiden- she is newish at work I think so I don't know anything about her. There are lots of women that he could send a PM to and I wouldn't react at all, maybe it's because I have no idea who this lady is?
Thumbwitch, thanks for your post. I don't want to talk about it because there isn't really anything to talk about is there? I will end up talking about his EA and just upset myself.

OP posts:

heymango · 21/11/2010 16:44

I think men and women can be friends, but is he that sort of man?

If DH had sent that message, I would be surprised as he does not have female friends really. If your DH does have female friends that he chats to, I wouldn't worry.

AnyFucker · 21/11/2010 22:32

just a minute

your DH went out in a foursome ?

him, a male friend and two women

then you find flirty, late night private messages between them

and he has form

and people are basically telling you to get over it ??

I don't think so

Original poster

JustParanoid · 22/11/2010 01:05

AF- I actually love you (I can say that and not be embarrassed because you don't know my real name )
I felt really silly before reading some of the messages on here, but I had some time tomyself and I think it is a bit off that a)he sent this message particularly to this woman, and not to the others, although it applied to the others...but more b)that it was a private message. It is unnecessary for it to be private other than for them to have some secret funny flirty joke thing between them.

Don't know what to do about it because there isn't really anything to complain about.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 22/11/2010 01:41

I would complain

I would not be happy

But then I would have objected to the cosy "foursome" in the 1st place.

Don't make the mistake of being a "cool" wife who doesn't object to her husband socialising with women if you want to. Don't be told you are a frigid, paranoid, uptight bitch who wants to keep her husband on her leash.

His actions have been a bit suspect, and I do not know if you have anything concrete to worry about.

But the fact is... he has made you worry

Now what is he doing about that fact ?

Is he telling you not to be ridiculous? Or dare you not raise it because he may tell you that you are being ridiculous?

You are not. And you should be able to raise what the fuck you like.

My advice to you is...stop pretending to be be "cool" about "female friendships" if you are not. He has form. He should be bending over backwards to make you feel secure and he is patently not.

You should think very carefully about that.

booyhoo · 22/11/2010 01:52

i love AF too and i totally agree with her.

teh first thing that screamed out at me in your post is that they were on a double date.

booyhoo · 22/11/2010 01:53

and i also agree with that old thing about leopards and spots.

MerrilyDefective · 22/11/2010 01:55

AF is right you know.

AnyFucker · 22/11/2010 01:57

yup...double date

my husband would not be going on any double dates ..."female friendship" or no fucking "female friendship"

as I would not be expecting to go out on foursomes with a female friend and 2 blokes (one of which is not actually much of a "friend" at all....)

booyhoo · 22/11/2010 01:57

and i don't think you should do the lighthearted (sorry thumby ) thing and say "oh guess what happened"

i think you should be straight with him.

"i need to talk to you. i went on facebook today and opened the message box before realising it was yours but when i did i saw you have sent a message to that girl you were out with. it was a flirty message and it has upset me. we have had this problem in the past and i honestly thought you had changed. what's going on?"

AnyFucker · 22/11/2010 02:02

I don't get this "I would feel silly to bring it up"

You are married...yes?

You are in a monogamous marriage...yes?

So fucking ask him what he is playing at.

Then tell him to stop...or you walk.

thumbwitch · 22/11/2010 02:03

no worries, booyhoo - the outcome would be the same, just a different approach - I agree the OP needs to talk to her DH about it. I suppose the reason I advocated the lighthearted approach rather than the straight talking approach was to see just how defensive he was when it was just mentioned, rather than going in full frontal, as it were.

MerrilyDefective · 22/11/2010 02:07

Sod that.
I read DPs messages all the time.

booyhoo · 22/11/2010 02:07

yep, probably the same outcome. I'm just more of the say it how it is variety . i think for me, the idea of approaching it lightheartedly lays the path for him to brush it off in a lighthearted way IYSWIM at which point you then have to say "look i am pissed about this, don't fob me off" so you're really only stalling the straight talking anyway. either way. she needs to talk to him and be happy that what he tells her is the truth.

MerrilyDefective · 22/11/2010 02:15

If he hid his 'name' from me then i'd be really suspicious.
They're always really boring.....

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