Was it strange of him to have sent this message?

[JustParanoid]

Have name changed because if DH is being reasonable, then I don't want to look like an idiot

DH went on a night out the other evening with some people from work- another man and two women.

I was away for a few nights so no idea when he got back etc. I was glad he was going out though because he hasn't done anything very social for ages.

This morning went on our computer to check my facebook, didn't realise it was logged in as him. Saw I had a new private message so went to have a look. This is when I realised it was his facebook account, but curiosity got the better of me and I kept reading anyway.

At 3am when he got in from the night out he has messaged her 'hope you have fun at work in 4 hours while I lie in bed'
She later replied 'I hate you lol xxx'
And the conversation continued a bit.

It has made me feel a bit weird and I don't know why. There is nothing wrong with enjoying the company of other people and having jokes with them and sending them messages etc. He is quite entitled to be friends with whoever he wishes. So why do I feel so strange about it?
He had said to me that everyone bar him had to be at work really early the morning after. So why didn't he send everyone an email? Why just this lady?

Am I being ridiculous? I don't know why I feel so weird about it...it's only a message FGS!

Where did the fact that it happened to be two men and two women mean it was a double date. Crikey me and DH would be having heated discussions all the time (him at me mainly).

I also PM people and have meaningless conversations, because I don't want people looking at our banter. That's because it's between two people not because I have anything to hide. I have different levels of relationships with different people so wouldn't want everyone viewing one conversation.

Anyway my point is, if you're uneasy then YANBU. That in itself is fine and you should talk to your DH. Otherwise it's the start (or continuation) of a slippery slope between the two of you. The points people have mentioned on their own do not warrant.

booyhoo - difference in personality I guess -I'm more devious and try to catch them out!

Sounds quite innocent to me, simple ribbing about the fact she had to get up and he didn't. Surely if they had been on a night out together they would have discussed what they were doing the following day?

I honestly don't get the flirting in this, I could imagine saying this to a colleague I had just spent an evening with, without having ulteriour fuck your brains out emotions.

I know I have spelt ulterior wrong, but I still don't get the flirtatious vibe in this, just the mwahahha I'm in bed and you are not vibe.

And honestly don't believe the "if you have paranoid feelings, it's all true vibe". I have been so paranoid and investigated every available avenue. None of which bore fruit, it doesn't always work like that. I was a paranoid bint. I accused Dp of cheating etc, I was wrong unless dp is a criminal mastermind, which I really doubt.

Honestly maybe he is cheating but like I say he would have to be a mastermind. Living in that kind of atmosphere is shit and Mn had a big part to play. I read silly threads where everyone was accused of cheating, every other person was an abuser, every random thing and internet sourced sign was that of him being NPD or me being BPD.

I got a grip, we are fine.

Yes, AM - but the OP's DH has previous form for this.

Have you been advised to leave him yet? Won't be long.

I must admit it didn't shout "double date" to me - it shouted "DH going out with work colleagues".

But then I have seen the women that MY DH works with and it wouldn't bother me at all if he went out wth his work colleagues - if you KWIM. No threat at all!

A double date is VERY different to a works night out.

Only you know how you really feel about this, so trust your instincts.

I am single and have a male colleague who is a really good friend of mine, but we have absolutely no romantic interest in each other at all, that is why our friendship works. We know each other really well as travel together a lot as our job requires it, so we have spent hours sitting in airports and hotel bars. If I got that sort of message or txt I wouldnt bat an eyelid or think it was a come on. He is happily married, I know his wife and she is lovely and way more glamouous than me. BUT I wouldnt go out on the town with him outside of the work situation without his partner being there

i think the fact that OP finds the message abnormal for her husband's behaviour is enough to be suspicious. she knows her DH, she knows his usual mannerisms and how he usually behaves/flirts, she also knows he has form so i can't really blame her for being suspicious about this. i hope for her sake her suspicions are unfounded. if they are i think OP might need to do a wee bit of work on her trust with her DH as his behaviour is contributing to her feeling like this.

the bloke has form

the OP is worried and unsettled

nobody is telling her to leave him

I am sympathising with her because she is trying to deny her own feelings, and it isn't working. Those emotions she has are real, they haven't been inserted into her psyche by Mumsnetters.

I would imagine that other people she hasn't even met also trying to deny the feelings she is getting feels a bit shit. Particularly since I get the feeling her partner is making her feel like a paranoid little wifey.

Well, I believe her.

Thanks everyone. I'm normally quite a fiesty person,, I don't really take any shit but maybe part of me never wants to know if things are going a bit wrong.

That said, I am going to tell him. He is at work now. I am going to say something like 'I checked your facebook message because I thought it was still logged in on mine. I saw you sending some quite cosy looking messages to that lady at work. We have talked about this before and it is not on. What is it all about?'

I don't want to be like 'I THINK YOU'RE SHAGGING HER AAAAAAA'.

Because I don't. But I have been thinking about this overnight and I do know this is exactly how he cultivates crushes, he and I got together after a few cosy chummy emails. He did the same with the last woman (and although nothing actually happened and it was a few years ago it still bloody annoys me), and I thought he wouldn't do it again.

It is best you talk to him about it.

It will eat away at you otherwise. Let us know how it goes x

Thanks AF

good luck OP. i hope he is totally open and i hope it is totally innocent.

As I'm currently going through the pain of discovery about DH's EA with work colleague then naturally my alarm bells are ringing.

Elastamum, do you sign off messages to your work colleague lolxxx??

This sounds like flirting to me and maybe it's harmless but if he has form then I would be worried about where this harmless fun flirting is leading?

Do make sure you do it face to face though otherwise you won't be able to see his reaction to your questions.

If you email/phone him, you have lost that valuable tool.

I also agree that the softly softly approach may not work. My DH only owned up to what I could prove.

another thing that struck me in your posts was that girl is new to his office. new people can often trigger off a curiosity that was dormant (as in his previous flirting etc). it may be all this is but eitehr way, you aren't comfortable with it.

Tell him you saw the message and it's made you feel bad.

Everything is as important as it is to you.

If you feel odd about it that's reason enough to clear the air, not in a fighty way, but in a straightforward way.

It may well be nothing but that's not the point, the point is that you feel uncomfortable and that's what you need to deal with surely?