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Original poster

Is he ashamed of me?

32 replies

itsnotmorningyet · 21/11/2010 00:23

Not quite sure where to start. DH & I have an OK relationship- we have some things that we both agree we need to work on.
Tonight he met a friend for a drink. This friend lives a couple of hours away so they don't meet up that regularly. I was chuffed that DH was going out as he works very hard and seldom goes out.
He's just got home and it transpires that the friend he met had his girlfriend with him and there was also another couple there. Another bloke was supposed to turn up but didn't.
I asked why I wasn't invited and his reply was that he just thought it would be one other couple plus the other male friend.
This got me wondering because 1) I would LOVE a night out (DS3 5 motnhs old and not been out yet) 2)any of our social arrangements revolve around my friends I am never invited out with his mates, plus we have argued about our social life before and it only ever includes arranging things with my friends and their partners.
In the 8yrs we have been together I barely know any of his friends, I'm never invited out (I don't mean on lads nights out I mean when partners are going too).
I don't get it. He swears he's not ashamed of me or he wouldn't have married me so why am I not allowed to join in his social life when I allow him into mine?
disclaimer I'm not talking about having nights out without partners I'm quite happy for him to have nights out without me I just don't understand why he won't introduce me to his friends - we have 2DC and are married FFS!!
He must be embarassed of me or ashamed of me yet when I ask him he denies it and, like tonight has stomped off to bed leaving me upset.

OP posts:
Tortington · 21/11/2010 00:25

why would he be ashamed of you do you think?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 21/11/2010 00:35

How many of his friends came to your wedding?

Original poster
itsnotmorningyet · 21/11/2010 00:38

I have honestly no idea. I'm a few punds heavier than I should be Blush but he's never complained.
He enjoys meeting my friends and socialising with them but never has any problem if I see them on my own (girly nights etc). My friends are often calling roud for a cuppa yet not one of his friends ever has. At our wedding he literally had 2 friends there.
If we recieve an invite from one of my friends he is totally up for it and we have a great time but when one of his friends invites him out (plus partners) it is barely spoken about.
I asked him when he got home this evening if he was embarrassed/ashamed of me & he just said that because of me bringing it up I had ruined his night :(

OP posts:
Original poster
itsnotmorningyet · 21/11/2010 00:39

pounds :)

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 21/11/2010 00:42

Sounds odd to me!!

Doubt it's your weight! What are you like with alcohol?

I have a friend who is totally wild after a few, but sober, she Is so quiet!

Original poster
itsnotmorningyet · 21/11/2010 00:47

I'm definitely not meek and mild when sober - I'm quite a passionate person whereas he is more staid and serious. I'm ok with alcohol- he is virtually teetotal.
Just got this horrible feeling that we are both too different and don't want the same things.

OP posts:
Limez · 21/11/2010 00:51

I think you might be onto something actually, whether he is ashamed (and if he is, its totally his issue not yours) or something else.
In telling you you've ruined his night by asking he is trying to make sure you dont mention this next time. If he really had nothing to be shifty about he'd have an honest discussion with you/ say 'oh you're right, we dont go out with my friends much, lets rectify that'.

Original poster
itsnotmorningyet · 21/11/2010 01:00

He knows that I will mention it again - I'm very quite feisty and have spelled it out to him that I am not happy with various aspects of our relationship but although he listens he is not hearing me!
TBH if he said " you know what I just fancied a night out on my own" I would be fine with that but its the excuses he comes up for me not meeting his friends that I find odd. He seems to get so much out of hanging out with my friends yet I know none of his, I don't get it!

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 21/11/2010 01:02

Maybe he doesn't have many? And is ashamed of that?

Original poster
itsnotmorningyet · 21/11/2010 01:03

I know he doesn't have many so then why doesn't he want me to meet the few that he does have?

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 21/11/2010 01:09

Maybe he's ashamed of them?

ShanahansRevenge · 21/11/2010 01:10

Is he the jealus type? My DH suffered badly with jealousy and insecurity when we firt got together and so he would avoid stuations whee I might flirt (not a flirter!) or be flired with...he literally had a fear about it and would get physical reactions ifsomeone talked to me for too long. He's totally fine now...got help and is over it...but could your DH ahve similar fears?

Original poster
itsnotmorningyet · 21/11/2010 01:13

Definitely not the jealous type. Think OldLady maybe closer to the truth - maybe he's ashamed of them. If so then its just one more thing that makes me lose some respect for him - they are his friends he shouldn't be ashamed of them.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 21/11/2010 01:19

No,you're right, he shouldn't be ashamed of his friends; I'm not ashamed of any of mine, but on the other hand there are some that I wouldn't introduce to each other, because I know that clashes would happen.

Might that be an issue, since you say you're feisty? If some of his friends are assholes wankers not particularly woman friendly, maybe that's why he keeps you apart?

Original poster
itsnotmorningyet · 21/11/2010 01:31

But as he only has a few friends surely they can't all be assholes/wankers? DH is actually a decent bloke but thats not to say we don't have our issues, maybe this feels like one issue too many. So fed up with it all. Best go to bed - sure DS will be up soon wanting feeding! Thanks to all for replying. Probably seems like a stupid problem to have but I'm just tired of it all.

OP posts:
SparklingExplosionGoldBrass · 21/11/2010 02:27

It sounds very much like he's not ashamed of you but he thinks that if you meet his friends you will not like them and therefore think less of him. So his friends are probably sexists, maybe even racists, who he knows have unacceptable opinions, but because they have been his friends for a long time, he doesn't actually want to be told to drop them because they are 'horrible' but in his eyes they are not all bad. He doesn't want to be put in the position of having to apologise for them, or have you think less of him for having knobby friends. If everything else with him is OK, let this go.

SparklingExplosionGoldBrass · 21/11/2010 02:34

Mind you I hv=ave various friends who I wouldn't introduce to each other because they are very passionate about their views on particular subjects and would therefore scrap.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 21/11/2010 02:34

SGB slurs a bit I think I love you....

I have "friends" like that. They're people that I've kind of been socially-pressured into accepting, but I don't really like much. So I look for the best in them (and even the most vile have some sort of redeeming qualities) and try to close my eyes to the rest.

SparklingExplosionGoldBrass · 21/11/2010 02:38

I have friends who are great people but unfortunately get all tiresome when their particular passion is brought into conversation...

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 21/11/2010 03:15

Any of this helpful, as to why he might be ashamed of his friends, rather than you, itsnotmorningyet?

Baileysandice · 21/11/2010 03:41

How old are you both? Just wondering? How many of his friends have kids like you??

Longtalljosie · 21/11/2010 08:32

No, it's none of this. I went out with a bloke just like this and it drove me mad. Particularly as we were at university so our friends were the same blinking people! He'd announce he was going out with the boys and I'd say, fine - but later discover it was everyone - and people would ask why I wasn't there, that they'd mentioned it to my boyfriend...

It's just selfishness. He wants a night to himself being himself. Nothing to do with you at all.

misdee · 21/11/2010 08:38

dh does this.

i just leave him to get on with it. we are as different as chalk and cheese, so tbh i often dont want to go out with his friends. he doesnt like my friends(most of them), so i just shrug.

there are a handful of people we both get on with so go out with them at times together, but most of the time i would prefer to avoid his friends. weird i know, but i just know i wouldnt enjoy myself.

hariboegg · 21/11/2010 09:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

quiddity · 21/11/2010 13:28

If you have more friends than him, maybe he doesn't want you to "take over" his as well. Could it be a competitive thing? He wants to have some friends of his own?

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