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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OW got a prize one here

26 replies

Waarghh · 20/11/2010 10:55

So at work one of the senior managers started sniffing around.

We got on well but I wasn't interested in him at all because he was married.

A couple of months later he told me he had seperated from his wife because she was (paraphrasing) deranged.

I was a bit suspicious but frankly enjoyed the attention.

Then a couple of months later we were flirting a bit more and I went back with him to his new place which he was clearly living in. No sign of wife.

So I assumed he was telling the truth about his marriage but couldn't work out why he was so hot and cold, I thought maybe it's too soon or that he would prefer someone more attractive.

A few more encounters and I thought this is going somewhere, and started to really like him. A LOT.

What he hadn't told me was that he had left his wife for another woman who had also left her husband for him.

So he wasn't cheating on his wife, he was cheating on OW!

I was upset to find this out but it stopped my attraction dead in it's tracks. I don't find people in relationships attractive.

It's put me off men a bit.

I haven't had to see him at work yet. Not looking forward to it.

OP posts:
tummysgottogo · 20/11/2010 11:00

eugh. how did you find out?

BangingNoise · 20/11/2010 11:00

yep you are better off out of that one. He's not a prize, he's a bloomin' booby prize!

ZZZenAgain · 20/11/2010 11:02

how did you find outi n the end?

Don't worry about work too much, he is your senior and if you tell him : no dice, he has to watch his step around you. Just be clear and say: I know, I am not interested and leave me alone.

Original poster
Waarghh · 20/11/2010 11:09

He told me himself. He was trying to let me down gently. When I realised they had ended marriages to be together I felt sick, and of course realised that he wasn't the wronged (by his ex wife) man that I thought he was.

He says of his wife 'she wanted me to leave'

Not surprising if she has found out about the affair.

I don't think he will try anything more.

I always thought that I liked him more than he liked me, he was just using me for sex that he wouldn't have had if I had known his circumstances and morality.

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 20/11/2010 11:12

so after you two had sex, he told you he was actually "with" the OW he left his wife for and you were a bit on the side? How delightful. And he was offering you the option of continuing like that as OW to the OW?

Well, it ain't great but good if you are out of it sooner rather than later, you know? The more involved you had been with him, the harder to extricate yourself.

tummysgottogo · 20/11/2010 11:15

No doubt his wife did want him to leave. She figured she's much better off without him. Saying that, IME these men don't really tell the honest truth so who knows what happened. He probably doesn't even really know himself, just believes whatever he wants.

If you liked him more it's only because he's incapable of liking real women.

The poor OW (who'd have ever thought I'd say that phrase?!)

Tosser.

Original poster
Waarghh · 20/11/2010 11:28

I thought he was a tosser.
I feel sorry for any woman who crosses his path.
He definitely believes his own bullshit.

OP posts:
Eurostar · 20/11/2010 11:43

That bit where you say he might prefer someone more attractive. Don't put yourself down please OP. He clearly found you very attractive and the self-entitled shit thought it fine to profit from the situation around his break up to take what he wanted.

I know what you mean about putting you off men, it's shocking when you come up against people who would use you in a way that could never occur to you (and why it makes me cross when some posters universally condemn the OW on here when some OW genuinely fall prey to such behaviour) - but don't give up on relationships altogether remember that there are good ones out there too...and be proud that you have behaved with morals that this rat lost long ago, if he ever had them at all.

tummysgottogo · 20/11/2010 12:13

Agree with Eurostar. Someone reminded me this week that slating all men is actually just prejudice (I needed reminding because I'd seen similar asshole behaviour recently Sad and I had still have the same reaction). There is good and bad everywhere.

tummysgottogo · 20/11/2010 12:15

And just to add: this isn't about you. He clearly did find you attractive, but he wasn't man enough to treat you properly.

Original poster
Waarghh · 20/11/2010 12:58

Thank you for your kind replies. I feel sick when I think about him.
He has emailed me to apologise I was going to ignore it, and him as much as posssible at work.
But I don't want to make him angry and spiteful.
Luckily I'm not based in the office most of the time. I won't have to be in the building with him for six hours on a stretch.

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 20/11/2010 13:56

I'm not sure I understand this. You say he told you about his other relationship in order to "let you down gently" - so was he finishing with you, or was he doing this to explain why he wasn't ready for an exclusive relationship?

Had you asked him if there was anyone else in his life before you started sleeping with him and did he lie?

You see, unlike Eurostar I don't think women "fall prey" to men, because that treats women like irresponsible victims and I have yet to see a poster on here sympathise with an OM "falling prey" to a married woman. If anything, I think as posters we need to have more respect for women's intelligence and ability to make their own choices, instead of seeing eachother as victims of nasty men.

Having said that, if he lied to you throughout, it's a different matter. And from this bitter experience, you can take away some learning i.e. ask more questions, do some more digging and develop a healthy scepticism for any man who claims his ex-wife was "deranged".

AnotherMumOnHere · 20/11/2010 14:22

Surely the OW wouldnt have been surprised. He did it to his wife with her ............ what else could she expect. If they do it once they will not hesitate to do it again. Once a cheat always a cheat.

ZZZenAgain · 20/11/2010 14:29

I think she would have been surprised. She left her husband for him according to OP and she no doubt wants to believe she is special to him as he probably told her.

Original poster
Waarghh · 20/11/2010 15:41

WWIFN You're right he was making it clear that he did not want a serious relationship with me, just casual sex.

He told me that he was single. He had just seperated from his wife.

I always took what he said about his ex wife with a good bit of salt. I think a lot of people seperating exagerate their spouse's faults.

He told me that they both left their marriages for each other, but that their marriages were dead before.

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 20/11/2010 15:52

just tell him the sex wasn't good enough and so you'll be sticking to younger men in future

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 20/11/2010 16:13

I thought so, OP. So what I'm trying to establish is whether you ever had a conversation before you started sleeping with him, about whether this was an exclusive relationship - on both sides? Just because he told you he was single, didn't mean he wanted an exclusive relationship.

I don't mean to be harsh here honestly, but I think what often happens in these situations is that women are actually cross with themselves for not acting on their instincts and yours were screaming out at you that this man wanted a no-strings, sex- only relationship. As far as I can tell, he never told you otherwise.

So, when you belatedly decided to act on your instincts and actually ask the question you perhaps should have asked before, you had your instincts confirmed and your response has been to lash out in anger at him for leading you on.

I'm not saying that he didn't work out pretty quickly that if he declared his true situation up front, he probably wouldn't have got very far, but as adults, we are all responsible for our own choices. If you know yourself to be the sort of person who needs exclusivity, it's up to you to check that out first and not assume it's on offer.

So in this situation, rather than blaming him exclusively for playing you, I'd learn something about yourself and take responsibility for the choices you also made. Celebrate that your instincts were spot on and only berate yourself that you didn't establish the true situation before you made yourself vulnerable to hurt. Treat it as a live and learn experience, that's all, but with a more rational assessment of why this happened.

tummysgottogo · 20/11/2010 16:42

Sorry to hijack the thread: WWIFN - what would you say about someone who said that they weren't seeing anyone else, said that they weren't ready for a relationship yet but maybe in a month or two, and then (in a drunken night out) got intimate and said they didn't want you to see anyone else and would be very interested in a relationship with you? Would they then be out of order to be sleeping with someone else the whole time?

I'm just trying to make sense of something that happened - and be able to take a lesson away for next time. I don't want to take up time on this thread but it sounds similar

SORRY Waarrgghh

Original poster
Waarghh · 20/11/2010 16:46

WWIFN yes you are right. I am really angry with myself for making assumptions.

The no strings wasn't the big deal for me, as he had only just seperated from his wife I wasn't really expecting him to rush into a serious relationship.

The fact that he said he was single when he was in a serious relationship is what upset me. I get it that he wasn't living with his wife, or the ow, so may have perceived himself as single.

His ideas of being single and mine are different.

Thanks I can see your point of view, I hope that I can learn by this, it wasn't fun.

OP posts:
Original poster
Waarghh · 20/11/2010 16:49

Hijacks fine. I've never thought about things like this before.

OP posts:
tummysgottogo · 20/11/2010 17:07

No strings isn't a problem is it - it's the lying....(my fella actually borrowed my car for a weekend with his mates..actually, no, a weekend with his 'girlfriend' - which is what she thought she was, but he didn't). I'm just wanting to know if I was a fool as well for not having it written in stone first, but just assuming some level of respect Confused

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 20/11/2010 17:12

Good for you, Waargh and you've been really honest with us here. As I said, I didn't want to be harsh, but as a feminist, one of the things I like to challenge is when women make victims of themselves, for what were their own choices. And to balance this, I posted on another thread today about a betrayed wife blaming the OW for all of her H's choices. So it does work both ways Smile.

tummysgottogo in answer to your question, you are saying that the person lied that they weren't seeing someone else and requested exclusivity, but didn't explicitly promise it in return? Whether it was promised or not to be honest, I'd be asking if that was going to be reciprocal and to make it very clear what I expected. If monogamy was the agreement and I then found out I'd been lied to, then I would be angry.

However, I often think that people ignore all the clues, because they so want to believe what most of their senses are telling them, isn't true. So, in a situation like this, if what I was seeing and what I was feeling was at odds with what the person was saying and yet I still believed the words and not the actions, I would also be pretty angry with myself.

tummysgottogo · 20/11/2010 17:22

I think you're spot on. I wanted to believe it, so I did, even though it went against my intuition. So yes I'm annoyed at myself, but also more angry with him for the lies. Just not sure how much of the responsibility lies with him and how much right I have to take the "I was wronged" line.

A lot, and some but not all, I think.

Cheers WWIFN and also Waarrgghh

emmyloulou · 20/11/2010 19:32

Well once the OW becomes the "main" partner she creates a vacancy as they say........

Mummiehunnie · 20/11/2010 19:57

I am glad that with help from people on this thread you realised what had happend x

I just wanted to add, that the ow who was involved in the ending in my marriage, was fed rubbish, thought the ex was every good quality you can think of etc... I saw his bank account details and times when he would not see the children and walk off he was staying in hotels locally to us, far away from where he lived with ow... I giggled when I noticed that one... Also after he left before he moved in with her, he would call out the window to women and leave the children alone... or sit with them in coffee shops waiting to accidently on purpose bump into her very beautiful mates...

For every women who is in a realtionship with a man who has an ex and believes everything he says and makes the wife out to be horrible, I laugh to myself at the deluded woman as I know he will be saying the same about her in years to come...