Would I really be better off alone?

[vixen1]

Hi all,

Cut a long story short: I'm starting to seriously doubt whether my marriage can continue. I feel as though everyone has a "stress capacity" and 3/4 of mine is usually full of stress and resentment towards my H, leaving very little for the kids.

All I want to do is what's best for them. At the moment they have a stressed out mummy who constantly shouts (because my stress capacity is often at its limit).

my question is: If Ilived on my own would the stress usually created by my H just be replaced with the stress of being a single parent?

If I left my marraige it would be because I want more capacity to deal with my children without losing my tmeper, my fear is that I would be swapping one stressful situation for another, equally stressful one...

You haven't really said what's wrong in your relationship so it's hard to know how to respond.

I am a lone parent and it's really quite hard work. I work full time and a typical day is get up at 6am and hope to have shower, etc, before DD(3) wakes up. Then get her up and fed, etc, and ready for nursery. Get her to nursery; dash to work (an hour's drive); work all day in stressy (but high paid) job; drive back to nursery; get home at about 6pm; play with DD; get her fed, bathed and to bed; I often then go to bed at the same time because I am shattered. I have no social life to speak of and DD's daddy is stil "around" but we only see each other every few weeks and there is a whole load of other stress around that.

I am often shouty mummy. I feel like my life is one, long relentless hamster wheel of dullness.

If you will have to work full time and you have young children, I think you could find things quite hard. If you don't have to work and your children are older then you many find that things are better for you.

Not sure that'll help.

No, it wouldn't be replaced by the stress of being a single parent Vixen.

That is not to say it isn't hard work, but I became a lone parent 16 months ago and the emotional impact has been remarkable and profound on my DC's.

We laugh daily, they have clear constant boundaries, they are happier (although I know they have issues about Daddy not being here), we work together more and for all my other problems, I don;t regret it for a minute.

I can't define it exactly but the stress of being a lone parent is just so different to that of an emotionally draining relationship. Maybe because you are no longer being pulled in so many directions... And the children benefit in way because they are not living in the oppressive atmosphere of an unhappy marriage

It is easier to be clearly focussed about what you want for them and you.

Good luck with whatever you decide x

Should add that DD, however, is a happy, sunny, adorable little girl and I lover her with all my heart. Just in case my post sounded a bit "off".

I know exactly what you mean about stress capacity! IME you still have the high stress levels for a little while after you've left, while you 'come down' and learn how to get back to your normal ways of reacting. But after that it gets much better. Part of the stress is knowing you should be calmer for the children IYSWIM but you still can't while there's a manchild to bother with. Once you're free of that the only way is up

Belle - Your post didn't sound off at all. I appreciate that advice, it sounds like bloody hard work. I would have to work full time shifts and my boys are only 3 (twins) so yes, things would be basically impossible, which is another reason for staying. I just feel so trapped and like something has to give.

Mittzy - Thanks for your reply, that's how I'm hoping it would be, hard but in a different way. It's the constant resentment I can't handle. He does bugger all around the house and even when he does do things it feels as though everything's my responsibility. We've spoken about this time and time again and although things change for a few weeks, they always revert to normal. He's also inherrently selfish. He doesn't mean to be, he just doesn't ever think of anyone else (a typical example of this is when he left me alone less than 48 hours after surgery, looking after our children while he went on a boys weekend). I'm also sick to death of what I see as an insidious, passive aggression. He never says what he thinks, just implies it all the time and then, if questioned will deny he's said anything wrong...

I don't know, it all sounds so trivial, and it is. It's just that, after 10 years together I'm now constantly bubbling with resentment and this is affecting how I deal with the kids, I don't know what would be best for them...

Sorry SpikeyCow - crossed with you there. Yes, Manchild describes him exactly!! I think the worst bit is that I really, really don't like myself anymore. I don't know if that's the product of an unhealthy relationship or that I'm just a horrible person. Another fear I have is that, if I leave, I'll discover that I'm just not very nice and instead of improving my situation it'll make it worse...

So, actually, you're having to look after your boys, your husband, your home and yourself all on your own? And you work? Excuse me but that's some workload...

I think a critical question is whether you have local support from family or friends? If you have a good support structure, I think it's do-able and, from what you've said, I think it may be worth considering.

Bit of rotten question but do you still love your husband? Aside from the frustration, stress and probable fury (strong word but I find that's how I often feel about DD's father), is there anything to salvage?

I suppose it depends on how much you are willing to swap for. I find lone parenthood an endless drudge. I feel completely isolated and exhausted virtually all the time. I have little money and a temporary work contract in a lousy job market.

I am definitely more shouty than I was before but I am working on that. Also I do like the fact that I am no longer married to someone who hated me, undermined me and did everything financially and sexually to ruin my life. I think it's been fairly clearly shown that children of a long-term marriage/partnership which is profoundly unhappy will suffer more than those of parents who manage to split up with some degree of civility.

I wouldn't recommend lone-parenthood to anyone lightly but I am glad that I am showing my kids that there is an alternative to a miserable marriage. I love my kids beyond words and think the best thing I can do is bring them up to respect themselves and not to put up atrocious treatment at the hands of future partners in the way that I did.

Another little "bonus" is that certain people will drop you from their lives when you are no longer in a couple. This has happened only with 3 people for me and I suppose it is more a reflection on them. I guess they weren't such good friends after all.

Good luck with your decision.

Being forced into the position of being the only adult in an adult partnership makes you into someone who is stressed, no fun (always have to be the serious one), a "nag" (always beware the man with a nagging wife).

In a good relationship you are the best version of yourself - they bring out the best in you (not that you can't be that version on your own).

Does your DH have any idea how close you are to leaving him over this? Or does he think everything is just fine since it's all on his terms?

Would counselling help? Or are you past the point where you can love him?

Husband left in March this year. Was very stressed at first. But recently have reverted back to what I used to be like. Extremely unstressed and chilled about everything ...apart from dealings with ex H which is his doing.

I didn't realise this until recently. I used to get stressed on his behalf...if I was put on hold on the phone I'd get wound up, if kids were late to school I'd fly off the handle...I was responsible for everything, especially him and his feelings, now I'm so chilled, I'd forgotten I was like this and it's great. I work full time as well and must say that the support at work has helped. Have no family near by.

Try and think back to what you like before the marriage...for me that was 20 years ago and I would have thought I'd forgotten, but I haven't. Did things stress you then or were you laid back? You might well go back to being like that again. First months are hard though.

Hmmmm, do I love him? I certainly care for him but that's probably not the same is it? Hypothetically, if he were to have an affair (not that I think he would) I probably wouldn't be too bothered, I think I'd be more pissed off that he was having fun with a fancy woman whilst I was at home looking after the kids. That's not good is it?

He has some really wonderful points. He always tells me how nice I look and is generous with things like money. And he's basically a good person with good values but I just don't feel like he cares about me the way he should.

Spidookly - That's what I thought, that it should bring out the best in someone but it doesn't We've discussed counselling but it's near on impossible for us to find the time to go (we have no baby sitting support whatsoever). I've since started on-line counselling for myself which I'm hoping will help. I just feel a bit like it's too little too late.

Changeforthebetter - The only friends we really see anymore our his and I would be perfectly happy to have them out of my life too. He places a massive importance on their veiws, sometimes to the detrement of our family...not something I would miss tbh.

Bell - Yes, I feel like I've got too many plates to juggle and something has to give We have no support network at all, my mum lives the closest but even that's an hour away and she's really not good with kids (she didn't even raise me and my sister, we lived with my Dad)...

I need to describe a conversation we had recently but I'm at work and have to go, I'll be back in 45 minutes or so...

Spiritualknot - Just quickly: thanks for that, it's really nice to hear your experience. Yes, I think I was really laid back but then I was only 18 so it's really hard to say...

Hmmm... I think it is very hard without a local support network although if your husband is a decent man he'll probably help out, etc, which may make things easier for you.

I can only give my own experience of single parenthood vs unhappy marriage. I, and the children, are happier now than we've ever been. We suffered a lot of emotional as well as physical abuse, so to be able to breathe again is the bext feeling in the world. Of course I still get stressed, but the fundamental difference is that in the marriage it was emotional stress, whereas now it is practical stress IYSWIM. Before we were being hurt, put down, abused etc etc...very hard to deal with and impossible to change. Now there is no abuse, just bills to pay, house to maintain blah blah. I am self employed and only just starting out in that, so again some stress involved, but this house has so much laughter and fun in it on a daily basis. The children are allowed to develop into their own characters rather than what someone else wanted them to be. I can be my old quirky self without someone calling me a hippy freak (just because I have buddhas in the house and burn incence!)
My house looks nicer, smells nicer and feels nicer.
No contest for me, but then my children are older...2 teenagers and a 6 year old, although when we left they were 10, 12 and 2.
Good luck, explore every avenue and if all else fails go it alone...you can then tell your children you tried everything possible to make it work.

Hi Vixen, you could have been describing my DH. He is also just basically self-absorbed and selfish. I've realised after much discussion with him and with a Relate therapist that he won't change and I'm just setting myself up for further unhappiness by expecting him to change.

So, the bottom line is that your DH will not change just because you want him to. If you can find a way to work around the situation and still think you love him, then maybe that is the way to go until your DC are a little older. For instance, getting a cleaner in once a week is a simple and easy way to reduce your stress levels immediately. If his boy's weekends away must be sacrificed to fund this, then so be it. Be assertive and just get it sorted. This is what I did when I was still working, and although DH grumbled a bit he had to accept it because I made it clear I wasn't backing down. These menchildren need to learn that there are consequences to their behaviours.

I'm sure you've figured out that resentment is the cancer of the long-term relationship. Leave it for too long untreated and you will end up where any love, respect or even liking you had for your partner is dead. If you have already reached this stage than probably there is no way to go back. If you were on your own, your DH would take a role in looking after the kids. So he would have them some weekends and so on. You wouldn't be doing it all on your own. It would help if you had support as someone else mentioned. I don't and also have a DD with autism so that has made it more difficult for me to make the decision to leave. Also kids grow up. They won't be demanding 3-year-olds for long and it will be easier the older they get. If you really can't stand it anymore, then you might find that being on your own, although difficult, is less emotionally draining and soul-destroying.

Belle - yes, he adores the children and would want to see them as often as possible.

We've had massive problems recently and it all came to a head where we had a really good talk. He admitted that he's been behaving badly, bullying etc but that he hadn't meant it. I truly believe that too - it's just another example of the fact that he often just doesn't think.

I told him that I felt like he didn't really love me the way he should. It's really difficult to describe on here but it comes down to a lack of basic compassion. I will always put him first, ahead of my own wants and needs but I NEVER get the same back. In my eyes, if you truly love someone you would want to put them first, it shouldn't be something you have to make a conscious effort to do.

Anyway, since that conversation he's been really trying hard. He agreed that we didn't have to go and stay with his friends (something he had been bullying me into doing and there are very good reasons why I didn't want to go) and he's generally been trying to help out more and allow me to do things the way I want to do them rather than how he wants.

I think the trouble is that, based on the last ten years together I now have an opinion of him which I can't shake. It's making me feel very resentful and I now behave badly towards him, being stroppy, rude etc. I know I shouldn't do it but I've basically had enough. I don't know how I can change this opinion I have of him...

Ah... My advice (for what it's worth) is that it may be worth seeing how long this improvement lasts and if your attitude towards him changes.

There does come a point where you just can't stand it any longer though and nothing they do can change things. It's as if everything they do is just annoying and grating.

Froginajacuzzi - OMG our situations sound very similar - my DS also has Autism (although not yet diagnosed but he is confirmed as being somewhere on the spectrum). My H has been very good about us getting a cleaner and she comes every fortnight. She's not been well recently and so has missed a couple of sessions. Again, another passive agressive comment made about "when's the cleaner coming back?" "oh. the bathrooms in such a mess". Sounds crap on here but believe me, the insinuation was that I should do it. So have you left your H then? How is it working out for you? I sadly think the Autism is also a factor in everything. Like I said, I have a capacity and my DS takes up a large part of that. I've got all the time in the world for him though, I do not have all the time in the world for my stroppy H though!

Belle - I think that's sound advice, probably the same advice I would give myself! How long do you think I should give it though? I feel like we keep repeating the same pattern - reach crisi point, agree on changes, implement them and then reach crisis point a few months later...

Given that you are thinking about ending your marriage, I think you need to treat counselling as top priority.

You care for him, he's trying to fix things, you are unresponsive to these attempts.

If you're going to break up your children's home (and I'm not saying you shouldn't) at least make sure this isn't a problem that can be solved.

If you split up you're going to have to figure out different schedules anyway - might as well do it now. The very worst that happens is that you get some help in splitting up as amicably as possible.

What happened to your friends?

Vixen, I could have written some of your posts
I hope that you are able to make the right choice for you and your DC x

Vixen I haven't left my H as yet. Having a child on the spectrum complicates things considerably. But having said that, a lot of the people (mums and dads) I know through the school and disability support group are single parents and they are all managing.

If you are a single parent with a disabled child you will probably be entitled to more support from social services. My DD gets nights at a respite centre. You might also qualify for an outreach worker. These are all things worth looking into.

I recently stopped working mainly because my H doesn't help at all, and I can't rely on him to take a turn with the school run, help out with sick days or during holidays. The other problem with kids with ASD is that if they attend a special needs school or even if they don't, it can be difficult to find appropriate after-school care or holiday care. I used a special needs agency - the sitters were all very good and experienced but it cost a fortune.

I honestly don't know how much longer I can carry on like this though, the constant sniping at each other, and the toxic cloud of resentment that seems to overshadow all our time together. What infuriates me the most is that not only does he not appreciate or even acknowledge my efforts and contribution, it's that he seems to think he's the one with the difficult lot because he works so hard at his job.

It's that question you asked "How long do you think I should give it though?" I don't know is my answer. Sorry.

Spidookly - absolutely, I think you're right about making counselling a priority - we owe it to our children. Since it was mentioned earlier I've been having a think about who could baby sit and I think there's one option we could explore.
We don't see any of my friends as a couple any more. I stay in touch with them on my own as my H doesn't make much of an effort with them. It's not like he forbids me from seeing them or anything, he just makes it so obvious that he's not interested in seeing them... part of the insidious insinuations I keep mentioning: he's never said outright that he doesn't like them and doesn't want to see them but he always seemes so bored in their company and decidedly unenthusiastic if I mention seeing them. It got to the point where I didn't enjoy socialising with them when he was there because I was worried they would pick up on it too (and stupidly I also worried that H wasn't having a good time). So now I see them alone but we bend over backwards to accommodate H's friends and I've always made a massive effort with them - more fool me...

Hariboegg - Sorry to hear you're lonely I've always been happy with my own company but even then I know I'd find the lonliness hard too.

FrogInaJacuzzi - Gawd, we're in such similar situations...we should stay in touch if we can. So are you mentally separated from your H then? Do you sleep in separate rooms?