Would I really be better off alone?

[vixen1]

Hi all,

Cut a long story short: I'm starting to seriously doubt whether my marriage can continue. I feel as though everyone has a "stress capacity" and 3/4 of mine is usually full of stress and resentment towards my H, leaving very little for the kids.

All I want to do is what's best for them. At the moment they have a stressed out mummy who constantly shouts (because my stress capacity is often at its limit).

my question is: If Ilived on my own would the stress usually created by my H just be replaced with the stress of being a single parent?

If I left my marraige it would be because I want more capacity to deal with my children without losing my tmeper, my fear is that I would be swapping one stressful situation for another, equally stressful one...

Your husband sounds like mine but I'm actually begining to think my husbands not even a nice guy.
My husband asked could I take my mum to the sirport less than 24hours aafter getting out of hospital from having my daughter. Not an easy birth, was in high dependency unit. Then he wonders why I get the hump with him. Really think I'd be better off without mine but feel guilty that he and the kids have to do without living together and also scared of the financial instabability. Christ, I love my kids to bits but as a decent honest person do wonder why the fuck I ended up with such a selfish twat for a husband!

Leaving a shit man is not ''breaking up a home'' as one poster so emotively put it; rather it is salvaging a home and making it happier.

Posh single mum,, assuming you are posh and the others around you are posh to, how did you handle the stigma behaind being a single mum. I live in an area pretty much where all the kids are still come from 2 parent families. I'm still with my husband but have been thinking of leaving him. I am finding it hard to deal with the shame that my kids will be from parted parents. Can't be bothered with everyone feeling sorry for me. My kids being the only ones on free school meals etc. Sometimes wonder if the other school mums are genuinely happy or whether they stay with husband because they to feel the pressure living in an area where single parenting is still not socially acceptable.
How did people you live around take it?.

Vixen Feel free to contact me at any time. I'm not always on the computer because my DD is always wanting to be on. You can send messages now (although I have never tried ).

My H and I do live separately. We sleep in separate bedrooms and have done for many years. Long story - it started because of my DD's sleep problems and him not wanting to help out during the night. Anyway, when she started sleeping independently we both didn't want to share a bed anymore so I guess that tells me everything I need to know doesn't it? He works very long hours and is often away. I don't miss him when he's not around. I have become very self-reliant and already cope with everything. So to all intents and purposes I am a single parent already. When the time comes, it probably won't be very difficult for me to adjust to being on my own.

I started doing on-line therapy with a Relate counsellor about 6 months ago. He was very good and I think it will really help you. It didn't help mend my marriage but it helped me overcome my fear of communicating with my H about things. The counsellor told me that my H is actually a bully and has been emotionally abusing me at a low level for years. That was quite a revelation for me - if you are being abused you often doubt yourself and try to minimise your own concerns and issues. My H always made out that everything that bothered me was just silly and trivial. He has on several occasions told me to "grow up"! Nice. I think your H is giving you the same message in a less overt way.

Leaving a long-term relationship (we have been together 20+ years) is not easy or something that you just wake up and decide to do one morning. I think it is more a process of gradual transition until you reach a point where you may still be fearful of being alone, but that fear no longer outweighs the negativity of being in the relationship.

FrogInaJacuzzi - Blimey, the similarities continue. My H often sleeps in the spare room to because he apparently gets undearably tired if I have to get up for a morning shift. He took it a step further the other night and also put earplugs in so that was me getting up 3 times for the dog (who's poorly at the mo) and once for the kids even though I had to be up for work at half 5 .
My H also undermines me and things that I say or do but in a really subtle way. If I express a political view for example he will make a joke of it by saying "God you're fiesty" and "Vixen for Prime Minister" in a sarcastic tone. It's SO hard to express on here but he basically does it to anything that he doesn't want me to do or that he thinks might embarrass him in front of his friends (eg. if I wear anything unusual). He'll make comments that aim to undermine and belittle me but the content of what is said is seemingly inoccuous.
I remember I bought some quirky shoes once and decided to wear them for a get together with his friends. When he saw them he said ~hesitating between each word~ "Are. you. going. to. wear. those to. Eric's party?" ~expression on face is worried/alarmed~ If I then get upset he will retort that he was only asking if I was wearing them to the party... DYSWIM??
He's done this to me since we got together and I was only 18. I think at that age your ego is slightly more fragile and these exchanges used to really hurt me. The trouble nowadays is that I've grown up and I don't give a shit what he thinks so much. The sad side of that is I've now started fighting fire with fire and I'm sometimes equally horrible to him. I know that's totally wrong but I guess it's human nature to want to hurt him in the same way he repeatedly hurts me. Makes me feel like crap because I never used to be like that AT ALL... that's what I mean about our relationship bringing out the utter worst in me

They behave in this way in order to control us and "keep us in our place". Women that are constantly undermined tend to have low self-esteem and are more easily manipulated. I don't think they are nice people to do this to us. They can be charming and pleasant enough when everything goes their way, but the mean streak comes out when they are challenged. I got together with my H when very young too - only 21 and not confident.

I don't feel that I can be myself with my H - I find him to be very judgmental but we do our own thing these days and I don't really care what he says. I'm glad you're standing up to yours. It does make for an unpleasant environment though if you're constantly having a go at each other.

It does help to know that others are having the same problems.

hi vixen and frog, I was in a spookily similar situation to you both, but am nowa year or so out of it. The day to day difference is negligible - I was already doing almost everything round the house, and with the dc's, and it's actually easier without him here.

I'm fortunate in that I don't need to rush back to work while the dc's are small, but will retrain and do something else. Counselling has been really useful for me.

Life is a lot lighter, and I agree with a lot of Mitzy's post earlier on. I've met someone else who is warm and kind, and does far more with the dc's than XH ever did. I now realise how different life can be without a smouldering hulk of resentment taking up room in the house!!

whattodo, TBH I hate the "single mum" label too, and fear probably kept me here longer than I needed to be, but there seem to have been a spate of separations in our area, and the vast majority are bright, capable and dare I say, middle class women. It's got rid of any stigma. It can happen to absolutely anyone, and I see my separation as a positive thing for my life, although I'm very sad that my family didn't turn out the way I'd hoped or planned.

Hope this helps.

Thanks for that kettlechip, it's really nice to hear that you've had a positive outcome from all of it. Can I ask, how did you know it was over? How bad did it get before you caleed it a day and was there any specific trigger to that? Also, does your ex have the children sometimes and how do you feel about it?

Vixen, I remember going to the counsellor and saying that I felt it needed something to help me make my mind up. About a week later, it came out that he had been having an affair with a colleague.. decision made! I think I would have got there though, it just might have taken a little longer. It was low level misery, and got very wearing. I think in a weird way I was actually lucky that I got such a big trigger.

I do remember how awful it was being not quite sure enough though, before that happened, some days I would think "right, that's it," and others didn't seem too bad. The overall picture was awful though, it's just hard to see how bad it is while you're in it.

He does have the dc's, roughly every other weekend. I like that he actually spends time with them (he didn't before) but not that the other woman now has contact with them. I have to bite my tongue on that one! I hated the first few weekends without them, but now can see the upside. DP and I have had some fantastic weekends away, and it's lovely to be able to go out to dinner at weekends, and then lie in the next day. I never had any time to myself at all pre the split.

Right all, sorry but I'm going to have to wrap this up. My H has been deliberatley snooping on here and has found this thread. We're now at crisis point.

Thanks everyone for your advice.

H: if you're reading this again you can fuck right off.

Oh vixen. Thinking of you. You know what you need to do, but get as much support as you can to do it. Feel free to PM me if I can help further.