so unbelievably angry

[honeybe]

I came home from a quiet meal out with some girl friends just before midnight to find dh totally drunk and, to all intents, unconcious on the sitting room floor. He was in sole charge of our 4 and 5 yos. The door was unlocked and it took me ages to rouse him. I could have been anyone. What would have happened if they woke up and found him like that? Or something worse had happened. It doesn't bear thinking about. I am so angry and upset. How can he display such blatent disregard for his childrens welfare. There was obviously no point in talking to him now. I'm going to sleep downstairs as I can't bear to be near him, but what do I do tomorrow? Too angry to even cry at the minute. I know he has a tendency to drink too much, but surely not while you are in sole charge. Any advice welcome as can't think straight.

That's awful! I would be absolutely livid. Has anything like this happened before?

I'd say try to get some sleep now and wait for your husband's response in the morning. If he's not absolutely apologetic and dismisses your fears then you would seriously need to consider whether he can be allowed ever to watch the children again.

Do you think he might have a drink problem?

He may not remember what happened or how he got to bed. I would wait until he is completely sober (which may take the whole next day!) and then explain what you experienced and why you are angry.
This seems like strange behaviour as a one-off. Does he often drink and maybe this night it went to far? Either way he owes you an apology and should agree to some mutual rules about who drinks/how much when in charge of the kids. So what I mean by that is maybe if you are out with your friends he is the 'sober parent' for the night and vice versa.

Good luck!

Thank you so much for your reply. Yes, to be completely honest, I think he might have a problem. I think that is just another big huge can of worms waiting to be opened. Something like this has happened once before and he was very very sorry but obviously not sorry enough not to do it again. I rarely go out but now feel completely trapped and feel that no, I won't be able to leave them alone with him ever again. I love him very much but this is very close to unforgivable

Ok seeing as something similar has happened before I think what needs to happen tomorrow is a very serious talk about what treatment your husband is going to get. As a totally once off event it would be beyond what most people can put up with, but as a repeat performance and as something that limits your life it is a serious problem that needs to be sorted out. If you point out he has a problem and he disagrees then that is very worrying as the situation is likely to happen again. The fact that you rarely go out shows that you can't trust him, and that is not healthy for a marriage.

What do you think his reaction will be when you confront him tomorrow?

he sounds like he has a drink problem. you need to face it head on but it a calm way... he may need professional help.

don't bury your head in the sand about it and don't focus on the emotional aspects of it- if he has a dependency on alcohol it doesn't matter how much he loves you or his children- having a drink takes priority (until he gets treatment).

you're right not to leave him in charge of the children though and if he's not willing to get help, you would be well advised to end things until he seeks help.

but don't make false threats- follow through or you'll gain nothing.

I think he will be very apologetic and remorseful but will refuse to actually talk about it. He has great difficulty in discussing things which show him in a bad light so I end up talking to myself. The once before was over a year ago and it took me ages to trust him again, looks like he has balls that one up again. He drinks probably 5 (at least)nights out of 7 but not usually to that extent though he has a problem knowing when is enough. I like a drink sometimes too, but I have never been unable to look after my kids. I don't know if he is an alcoholic, but he certainly leans on drink a lot. My dad was a severe alcoholic and because dh is no where close to that bad I think I try to make excuses sometimes.

bingo.

i was you a while ago. my dad was a raging alcoholic and my (now DH), then boyfriend had a 'reliance' on alcohol but not an out and out dependence on it... there were a few occasions though where he was out of control and i KNEW in my heart of hearts, that it wasn't right.

i decided to end the relationship and he stopped drinking (for many reasons- one was that his own dad was an alcoholic and he could see the pattern forming) and we got back together... we went on to get married and have children but he's never had a drink since (this was maybe 10 years ago).

you have to recognise that if you're not part of the solution (ie being truly honest about how serious it is and what's required to make things better...eg 'tough love'), then you ARE part of the problem.

having a drinking problem is both a social and chemical issue. Perhaps it would be easier if he can talk about from a medical perspective. It's an addiction and that is hard to control. But it can be controlled. Usually by completely stopping.

You need to decide what's forgivable and what isn't and then decide what you will do if he crosses the line again.

Don't let him get away with bad behaviour. It'll only get worse.

No one should be drinking 5 nights out of 7 when they have such young children. Ok a glass of wine with dinner might be acceptable but I would even question that. What if there was a serious emergency during the night and he couldn't drive? Do you think he could stop drinking altogether? If the answer is no then he does have a problem and it needs to be sorted out now before it gets any worse. Imagine what could have happened if a fire had started tonight or one of your kids fell down and hit their head.

Thank you all so much for your advice. I am going to try to go to sleep now and speak to him in the morning. He will have to face up to the fact that his drinking is not controlled. Still really confused about how I feel and dreading the 'tough love' part though know it is essential. It feels easier to stick my head in the sand and wait until the next crisis arises.

it might seem easier but it feeds into the problem. i hope you stay very firm, strong and calm.

good luck x

'I rarely go out but now feel completely trapped and feel that no, I won't be able to leave them alone with him ever again.'

He has a problem but you have one too. He is getting something out of drinking like this -- keeping you at home, looking after things, right?

At the moment his drinking seems to be affecting you much more than him. Can you think of any ways it could be made to affect him? Time to push him and push hard -- I agree with Blinks, if you're not part of the solution then you're part of the problem (not the problem of course but enabling). No more minimising and comparing. If you are being affected even slightly and if the life you lead as a result is not what you chose but a response to what he is doing, then strap on your boots for a struggle.

blinks, you speak lots and lots of sense... thank you

thanks also mathanxiety, your responses are making it clear to me that I need to stop making excuses for him. Better try to sleep, can't imagine tomorrow is going to be easy.

i echo all the advise on here, especially what blink said

i spent just over 17 yrs with my h who always liked a drink but got worse and worse and became alcohol dependent, it was an awful time on so many levels

i ended the marriage because of it, i got the the point that i felt like i was dying, and couldnt have my children growing up in that environment, but it was so hard to do , because of he had slowly over the years chipped away at my self confidence and made me think i was the one who was wrong, he even said i had mental health issues

i wish i had found the strength to call time sooner tbh, i guess i always hoped i could make it right

but i couldnt

it is v v hard to get someone to admit to having a drink problem, and v v hard to live like that as a family

i hope you manage to resolve it so you and the children are happy and safe, and dont have to go through the years of trauma we had to

heart goes out to lou33

"It feels easier to stick my head in the sand and wait until the next crisis arises".

You are in crisis now, your family is falling apart because of his drinking.
The above therefore is not an option.
Burying your head in the sand will not help you any. Enabling him by covering up for him (who buys the alcohol?) also does not help either him or you. It delays any recovery.

Make your home an alcohol free one; do not for instance drink wine with him.

You had an alcoholic parent so you grew up with alcoholism, you now have an alcoholic husband. Like your Dad your H's primary relationship is with alcohol. Everything and everyone else comes a distinct second including your children, the temptation to drink was too strong (he probably thought he could control it) but alcohol is a cruel mistress. This is truly no legacy to leave your children; they do not need an alcoholic parent in their day to day lives because it will affect them markedly just as it has done with yourself. You married a person with alcohol dependency problems, you learnt many damaging lessons when growing up with your alcoholic dad.

He will promise much and be very remorseful but will actually do very little if anything. Actions speak louder than words here.

I would also suggest you read "Codependent No More" written by Melody Beattie as often in such relationships there are codependency issues. You are not in a healthy relationship at all here.

I would also contact Al-anon and getting support for your own self here (I will put up their details for you).

You cannot make him stop drinking unless he wants to seek help for his own self; not because of you or for the children. There are no guarantees here; he could lose everything here and still drink.

You cannot rescue and or save him from his own self here. You are ultimately NOT responsible for him.

The 3cs with regards to alcoholism:-
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street, London SE1 4YF

Confidential Helpline 020 7403 0888

(Helpline available 10 am - 10 pm, 365 days a year)

Fax: 020 7378 9910

Email: [email protected]

You really must get help with this now as he is endangering the children's lives. What if there had been a fire?

It doesn't really matter what he says today, unless it's to tell you he is going to AA. So sorry for you.

Just to make clear, I don't mean you need to get help rather than him, just mean you may need to get him out of the home if he won't get help.

Agree with the others, you cannot cure this problem. You can only decide to move the problem (him) out of the kids reach, so to speak.

Hi Honeybe am also struggling with a DH like this. I can tell you from my own experience that he is unlikely to change. Something similar happened to me when my DD was only about 18 months old and I was on the point literally of walking out with her in my arms. I only stopped because we were in a foreign country at the time and I was afraid of the consequences. I wish now I had made that stand and drawn that line in the sand. DD is now 9 and NOTHING has changed. Attila is right, it is a Merry Go Round. Once you get on it, it's hard to get off. I am truly sorry to say and I DO know how hard it is that you need to make a firm stand now before it gets any worse. Have you spoken to him today? How did it go? The safety of your children is paramount and you should not feel have to feel unsafe leaving them with their Dad. I have every sympathy, I am struggling with similar issues myself right now. I know how hard it can be to have that conversation and how persuasive the denial can be.

I just wanted to come back and say thank you so much for the help and advice everyone gave me in the wee small hours. This morning was pretty emotional and we both cried a lot. He is fully aware of what a complete arse he was. He has agreed the drinking is too much and needs to stop. I hope this might be the shock he needs. I really don't believe he is actually an alcoholic, but there are issues. Thank you again for all your support. I know some of you will believe he won't change but I love him and definitely want us to be together. Thank you again

He clearly clearly has a drink problem. Please do not go into denial over this.

I'd suggest the GP in the first instance. The GP will know about local NHS and community services for alcohol addiction that are less controversial than AA.

Honeybe, you can go to Al Anon for families and maybe get some support there for yourself.

No matter how much you love him and want the two of you to be together, he has to want it too. Right now he wants to get drunk more than he wants to be a responsible father to his own small children. I think there is a parallel to be drawn wrt whether he wants to get drunk more than he wants to be a good husband to you. I don't think you would agree with that parallel right now.

has he agreed to get some help in stopping honeybe?