Someone please help me

[unwanteddad]

I don't know where to turn or whether there is anywhere to turn. My ex partner is pregnant with my baby, which is due in March. She threw me out as soon as we knew she was pregnant. I did nothing to upset her. I love her and her other kids more than anything in the world. He ex had been a violent thug. I brought peace to the house. Now she won't even talk to me. I am not allowed to know anything about the baby. Except that she told me today out of the blue that she is suffering severe stomach pains and there is a risk she could miscarry. Apparently it is my fault because of the stress I put her under when she kicked me out! The only time I've seen her since August was the 12 week scan. She went to the 20 week scan alone and now she says she will only tell me the babies arrived when she is ready too.

What the hell do I do?

I'm going out of my mind. Does anyone know if I have any rights in this sort of case? Any family lawyers out there that can advise me?

I am on a roller coaster ride of emotions. I am ashamed to say that I have even considered suicide. But I want to see my baby so I can't do that.

Please, someone help me.

Ok.

So what really happened?

What do you think she means by the "stress you put her under?"

Oh you sound so desperate. Please try to be calm.

Why would she throw you out do you think?

I'm sorry that you're so upset. But there must have been a reason why she threw you out.

What was going on between the two of you? Why do you think she threw you out?

Exactly as I wrote. I moved in with her in June, I had known her for years and we got together eventually. We found out she was pregnant at the end of July, by first week of August I was shown the door.

I had supported her during her battles with her ex-husband who beat her and her kids. I helped with her kids poor health. I gave 100% support. Cleaned the house up, redecorated, the works.

Since I was thrown out we have had on-off contact limited to emails and texts mainly. Again I have only ever supported her.

Now she has cut me off completely. I just don't understand it. All I did was support her.

Sounds like you need some professional legal advice. You may also want to document what's going on, showing your attempts of making contact.

I think she threw me out because her father took against me. She did say that he had told her that if I didn't go she would not see him or her mother again.

Do you have a mutual friend or family member you could talk to about this? This must be very hard for her, and I'm sure she has what she feels are very valid reasons for doing this.

It sounds like you're either genuinely clueless (meant in the nicest possible way), or blind to something you may have done. Difficult though it must be, I'd make sure she has all your contact details and then leave it to her to get in touch with you. Don't harass her, and if you do contact her, keep copies of texts or mails sent.

Meanwhile, I'd also get some legal advice.

Why would he feel this way about you, particularly given your description of the abusive ex who came before you?

unwanteddad I'm sorry but it sounds to me as though you have been a really good friend to her but she didn't really want a long term relationship. When she found out that she was pg she threw you out straight away rather than risk you developing an even closer bond with her and the baby. It's almost as though she's trying to protect you from more hurt later.

You have my sympathy - you sound hurt and confused.

It doesn't make sense to me that a woman in a loving and happy relationship would turn around and show the man the door - while she's pregnant! It's the time you feel most vulnerable and in most need of loving support! So whatever is going on, it must be very complicated. Perhaps she has a lot to deal with, emotionally, from the violence she suffered. Perhaps she is depressed, or confused - maybe even she's seen something in you that has frightened her? I'm not accusing you of anything, it could just as easily be a misinterpretation on her part. But something has happened that has caused her to do this. Like you say, could be her parents. Is she very controlled by them?

Anyway, at this point, it probably doesn't matter why this happened. It's what to do next that matters.

ok. first thing you do is back off. You don't want to do anything that could be interpreted as harrassment of her.

See a solicitor, get your legal position. Make sure you are fully prepared when the time comes. Start saving money so you can support this baby too.

I know what your saying kettlechip. But I have spent months analysing what happened. She can't offer a proper answer. People who were around us just cannot understand what she's done.

I think possibly that she was under so much pressure from her ex and her family that I was the nearest target and I copped the lot. Some of the comments she made in the texts we did share suggests that she still loves me but is having trouble coming to terms with all thats happened to her over the past few years.

If I could see something that I had done, then I would be the first to put my hand up and admit it. I'm not perfect, but nor am I a nasty person. I did all I could to make her happy. It only went bad after she got pregnant. We found out when she was 5 weeks gone and then I was gone!

Did her ex become violent for the first time after she got pregnant?

Witches, that is a very good question. You may have something there. Her ex raped her when she was pregnant. She left him soon after the baby was born. It took her that long to get up the courage.

I never even thought of that as a link.

I have backed off. I haven't contacted her unless she initiated it. But there is so much hatred in her messages I just dont know what to do.

Her ex is still in touch with her because the courts allowed him access to his kid. I have my suspicions he may be pulling some strings still.

She could have been using you.
She could have become pregnant and freaked out because that's when her ex started on her and it's made her terrified that you will change too, so she got rid of you before you could beat her (not saying you would!)
Maybe she's trying to test you, sometimes people who have been in violent relationships are waiting for the punch iyswim.
She could have realised she wasn't in love with you
She could be being manipulated
She could be depressed

The list is endless! You'll never figure it out if she won't tell you, and now is not the time to try to push her.

There's nothing you can do. There is no way to force the outcome you want and you think best. Keep doing what you're doing. Keep calm. If she contacts you, then reply calmly, making sure that you always end by saying that you will always be there for her and will support your baby. Don't allow yourself to get drawn into anything.

That's the conclusion I think I've reached now. But it hurts me so much. I just want to be the best dad possible. If she ever changes her attitude to me I would have her back in a flash. But I can dream can't I.

A broken heart mends slowly and I am missing so much of the baby that I am terrified I won't bond with it should I ever get to see it. Actually I should call 'it' him. She did reveal it is a son were having.

Congratulations.

You will bond with him. Don't worry about that.

Do you have any other children?

I have four step children, three step grandchildren and a step great grand child. Sadly my ex wife and I never had out own children. She lost 7 babys to miscarriage in the first 5 years of we were married. So you can see how important this baby is to me. My first son, all the losses were girls, and all the step kids are girls.

I should say we were married for 25 yrs. She is 23 yrs older than me. So I am basically a loyal bloke. She did the dirty on me not the other way round.

I'm really sorry to hear that. That must have been very hard for you both.

I strongly urge you to take legal advice - but not to tell your ex that you are taking legal advice, because she may interpret that as a threat.

You don't know how things will turn out in a few months. Don't think that this is the end of all things. Just give her time and space while quietly gathering information on your rights in case you do need help to push for access to your son, and see what happens.

Anyway, am buggering off to bed now. g'night. I really hope that someone more knowledgeable and experienced than me stumbles across your thread and can offer you some really great advice. xx

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I will do as you have advised I think. It would hurt me more to take her to court. But I need this baby more than I can say. I hope that she comes round too. Goodnight, sleep well.

unwanteddad - do you mind me asking if there's a very large age gap between you and your partner?

There eight years between us so stressed. Her ex was five years older than me though.

You can't claim a right to a baby in utero, obviously. For now, you need to back off.

It is highly unusual for a woman to get rid of a partner for little or no reason, particularly when pregnant. I feel there is more to this than you are letting on, nevertheless:

The child's rights and your responsibilities can be decided by agreement or following registration of the birth or following attainment of PR by agreement or through court and possibly involving dna testing.

See a solicitor FYI but leave this lady alone. Leave routes of communication open but do not harass her by any means. Her welfare is the welfare of your child.