Someone please help me

[unwanteddad]

I don't know where to turn or whether there is anywhere to turn. My ex partner is pregnant with my baby, which is due in March. She threw me out as soon as we knew she was pregnant. I did nothing to upset her. I love her and her other kids more than anything in the world. He ex had been a violent thug. I brought peace to the house. Now she won't even talk to me. I am not allowed to know anything about the baby. Except that she told me today out of the blue that she is suffering severe stomach pains and there is a risk she could miscarry. Apparently it is my fault because of the stress I put her under when she kicked me out! The only time I've seen her since August was the 12 week scan. She went to the 20 week scan alone and now she says she will only tell me the babies arrived when she is ready too.

What the hell do I do?

I'm going out of my mind. Does anyone know if I have any rights in this sort of case? Any family lawyers out there that can advise me?

I am on a roller coaster ride of emotions. I am ashamed to say that I have even considered suicide. But I want to see my baby so I can't do that.

Please, someone help me.

I've re-read your OP and I'm not quite sure what you are seeking but to make clear -

While the baby is in utero, you have no rights.

You can not impose yourself upon the birthing of the baby.

A mother has several weeks to register the birth.

You can not even begin to exert any control over the situation until after the registration of the birth (which you have no right, as such, to attend).

If your name is not applied to the birth cert upon registration (which it can't be unless you are invited by the mother), you could then seek PR by agreement of the mother or through court.

If paternity is in dispute, either side can request confirmation by DNA test, through court if necessary.

Once PR has been established, if not already in place, you could seek a contact agreement and/ through solicitors, mediation or court.

Unless your ex has a change of heart, you are in for a lengthy wait.

I'd suggest you choose not to allow this to affect your bonding with the child and again,
see a solicitor FYI but leave this lady alone. Leave routes of communication open but do not harass her by any means. Her welfare is the welfare of your child.

unwanteddad - not massive gap, then. When you said you were with your xdw 25 years I thought you might be a 'father figure' to your partner.

Thanks Bast I had sort of figured that out. I was just wondering if anyone else had experience of a similar situation. I know that people will probably assume that I am hiding something, But I can honestly say I am not. I just don't understand this situation at all. I have calmed down a little from yesterdays ordeal.

I am going to give her as much time and space as she needs. She will get no pressure from me at all. I only hope that we do not end up in a legal battle. That would break my heart.

SoStressed - no not a huge gap. We were the best of mates for years before we admitted to each other that we had fallen in love. We talked through all the ins and outs of things. We had decided to wait for a year before trying for a baby, but once we were together she decided that she wanted one immediately. Then the whole nightmare began.

But I am going to back right off now and see what happens. I hope she will come round in the end, but I have my doubts. I will just have to work with whatever she allows me. I'm not sure could take her to court, I saw what it did to her with her ex. I hope we can sort it out amicably. What a mess.

unwanteddad I would choose a lovely card and write to her to say how much you care - explaining that whatever happens you won't put pressure on her. Good luck - I hope it works out for you

I tried that with an email! I was told that any communication is not welcome and causes her stress which is putting her at risk of a miscarriage!

Thanks for the best wishes. I hope it does too. I love the girl and her kids, including the baby, more than I could explain. They mean the world to me.

I have been involved in a similar situation UD.

As much as I despised (and despise I did!) the father, I did allow him to be involved with some aspects of the pregnancy and to be on the premises during the birth, invited to registration, etc.

For whatever reason you are all in this situation, I understand fully how difficult it is and how disempowered you must currently feel.

I do hope you are able to build a good relationship with your child in the future but know from experience (and the other side of the coin) that absolute patience will be the route of least resistance and so most harmony.

Good luck.

Thank you Bast. It's good to hear it from the other side. I just hope that she will be as understanding as you. I am hoping to be at the hospital to welcome the baby to the world. I don't want to be at the delivery because she would find that to much. I would like to go to the registration, but I will have to wait and see.

But I will be patient as you advise and see if that will help her to see that I am not being anything other than supportive. Oh, and I am providing financially already for him. I have supplied nappies, clothes and other bits and pieces. Just to demonstrate I'm being reasonable.

unwanteddad - sorry but an email is hopeless - just not the same as a handwritten note. But if she's said no communication at all then maybe best leave it for now. Do you have a trusted friend who she would speak to?

Yeah I know email was not the best way, but she won't have any other means of communication. I may just try a card though. My sister is going to try and talk to her, but I am scared she might see that as pressure to. I think she has so much pressure from her parents, her ex, her kids ill health, her 'friends' who are 'supporting her' and the pregnancy that she doesnt know how to cope. I dont want to do anything to make it worse.

Keep it short and sweet then - along the lines of 'I don't want to put any pressure on you - you've had enough of that from everyone else. I just want you to know that I'm always there for you and the baby'. Then add love etc if you feel it's right. And say the baby not our baby. What a nightmare - I do feel for you and your partner who has pushed you away just at the time when your support would be most valuable.

Thank you for that advice. I have been referring to him as our son because I thought that might show her I was interested. But you think that is the wrong word to use? It truly is a nightmare. I am not ashamed to say I cry myself to sleep many a night thinking about how she struggles with everything and knowing how much of a change we made when we were together.
I cant imagine how hard she is finding all this. She must be feeling guilty, scared, confused and much more all the time. She needs time to enjoy the pregnancy. My needs are not important so long as she and our son are safe and happy. I would gladly walk away forever if that what was needed to ensure that she and the baby are happy. However much that hurt me.

unwanteddad you're in such a difficult position. I think if your partner is trying to distance herself from you at the moment then if you refer to 'our' baby you'll make her feel that your claiming a right to involvement, which is probably not the right approach at the moment.

Perhaps you could offer simple practical support. If she has asked you to buy nappies and clothes then as would she like food shopping too? Actually if she hasn't asked you to buy things for the baby then it will seem to her that by doing so you're pressurising her by pushing yoour involvement.

I've just re-read this thread, and one thought occurred to me. Please don't be offended by this - but are you sure this baby is yours?

If she has become pregnant by someone else, she may have thrown you out because she feels guilty about it, and doesn't want you in her life bringing up someone else's child - if you were such good friends beforehand then she could be feeling massively guilty about deceiving you.

I could very well be massively wrong, but it's a thought that might explain her behaviour.

Apologies if this offends/upsets you - but it's another perspective on the problem.

Sorry sostressed, I moved yesterday and have only got my laptop up and running again today.
I take your point about the terms I use. She's fine with me buying things for the baby, she took some nappies from me just last week with no problem. So I think I will keep doing that and hope that it proves I am being supportive.

becauseimworthit - No offence taken, but I do know that the baby is mine. There is no way it could have been anyone else's, for reasons I am too much of a gentleman to go into!

OK! I'm glad for you - but still puzzled as to her motivations.

unwanteddad - you seem pretty sure there's no way it's not yours - but she could have told you the wrong date and you have no way of being certain it is.

The first thing I thought was that she's pregnant by someone else (Ex for example).

chippingin - I was at the first and second scan. We had to have an early scan because of the hospital though there was a complication. So I know the date that the hospital say she fell pregnant. Even if they were a month out either side and there is no way it could not be mine. So I have no doubt that it is.

And if you wanted to get rid of someone that badly don't you think she would have just said 'look it's not yours, so clear off'? She has never even hinted that the baby may not be mine. So as I said, I have no doubts at all that it is.

unwanteddad - I am sorry you are going through this :( However, you cannot 'know for certain' it is yours, unless you were with each other 24/7 for a couple of months. Maybe she's worried it's not and that's why she's pushing you away (she wouldn't be the first woman not to say exactly what's on her mind!!) or maybe it is because of what happened with her ex when she was. Maybe she's just scared of screwing it all up... who knows.

If it isn't yours, would you still want to be with her and bring the baby up as your own?

If I were you, I would write her a card/letter/note and ask someone to give it to her and sit with her while she reads it.

Keep it simple but say how you feel, tell her how confused and hurt you are. Tell her how much she means to you and (if it's true) that you want her & the baby - whether it's yours or not. Don't make it too complicated - but say everything you can think of.

Good luck.

chippingin - I have sent her a card reassuring her that I will support her and the baby in any way she wants me too. As I said, I do know it's mine for reasons that are along the lines of what you have been saying. Even if it turned out not to be mine it would make no difference to how I feel about her. I have brought up other men's children before in my marriage, so the thought of bringing up another does not concern me in the slightest. Not all men are bs you know. Some of us see women as more than sex/baby providers. I love her for her, warts and all. It would take more than this to destroy my love for her believe me.

Please dont think I am naive, because I am not. I am realist. I know that she may never accept me into her life or the babies. I realise that I may have done something that I am not aware of to frighten her or that she may have thought she loved me but in the cold light of day she discovered that she didnt. But the one thing I am absolutely certain of is that the baby is mine. There are reasons for that confidence that I am not going to reveal on a forum like this.

The posts to my thread have helped me to realise that I have to take a back seat now and wait on her to call the shots. I will provide the level of support that she allows and once the baby arrives I will see how much access she allows me then. If I have to I will seek the courts help in ensuring that I get to see my son. But I don't want to have to go down that route. My son is not a weapon to use in a battle of wits. But, he does deserve to have both parents sharing in his upbringing.

I just hope that she sees it the same way and does not become spiteful. She's hurt me enough as it is already. I just hope that that is sufficient for her 'pound of flesh' and that she doesnt want me to suffer any more. I know that she must be hurting to and is probably feeling guilty and hurt. She may even feel she has hurt me to much for me to forgive her, but she would be wrong.

Thank you to all those who have added their contribution to this thread. It has helped me tremendously.

unwanteddad - not sure where I implied all men are bastards?? I do think, however, it should be a conscious decision whether you are prepared to bring up another mans child as your own, especially when you were in a relationship with the mother when it was conceived. Deciding you didn't want to - would not make you a bastard in my eyes. It is great that you love her and that you would accept this - but on the other hand, I think it would be perfectly reasonable if you didn't.

I'm glad you have a 'plan of action' and I am really pleased that you will persue this through the courts if she wont let you see the baby - your son deserves this, he deserves to know you care enough about him to do that.

I really hope that she tells you what the problem is and that the two of you can sort it out.

Good Luck!