is this good? or not?

[isthisagoodthing]

Im having a relationship and being honest, its not like anything ive ever experienced before.
We talk and talk and talk, about everything.

Everyone in my life ever, has and will always asume that im the most open person in the world. In reality this is not true at all. I have HUGE walls up about feelings etc.

This man, he wants to know everything. There is not a corner of my mind that we havent explored. Literally, everything. He wants to know everything. He gives the same back. Hes so patient with me, It took me over a year to tell him that i loved him. Though he did know already.

He says he wants me to be totally open with him, and to never be scared of thoughts or feelings, and that i can tell him. I know this is true.
( im talking about things you would never tell anyone)

Its brought us very close. But also, makes me feel vunerable.

I find it very very difficult sometimes. I have to really force myself, but then once ive started, its easy, and thats another barrier down.

I think ive got huge issues with trust, and letting people know what you really think. or showing feelings. ( not with child though).

So, is this ok, is it healthy? is this what its meant to be like?

I also worry a lot. That if i totally open up to someone. Then it doesnt work out, where does that leave me?

I don't know if this is what it's supposed to be like but I do think it may be healthy, at least, I hope it is. I'm dealing with the same issue as well with a man and part of me is screaming not to say a word because you can't trust a man while another part lets bits out anyway.

I think that finally letting down our barriers is a risk everyone has to take sometimes, even if it does lead to hurt because at least then we can be completely open and honest about how we're feeling and why.

I think in part, for me at least, the letting down barriers thing is hardest because it leaves me open to rejection and that's one thing that terrifies me but at the same time, I know I have to move past it.

sigh

I don't know if any of that made sense but I did want you to know you're not alone with this one :)

Sounds lovely actually. But I can understand why opening up would make you feel vulnerable and wary. I, too have a lot of defence mechanisms in place and it can make me a hard person to know sometimes, but it sounds like your guy is very patient and really cares. As long as he's not forcing you to talk about things you really don't feel comfortable talking about, it sounds like it could be a way for you to slowly build trust and confidence and feel safe expressing your feelings.

No, sorry, I don't think it is very healthy - he should allow you to open up in your own time and when you wish to, not be probing away at the recesses of your mind...who does he think he is?

You have every right to keep things to yourself as long as they do not involve him, or needless to say, another current partner etc etc.

But he sounds a bit obsessive and very controlling. You have been told by him that your misgivings are not healthy, but I think they are. I think he is trying to control you by knowing everything.

Subtle but effective - I bet you feel guilty whenever you keep anything from him, right?

This is no way to live. You should be comfortable and feel safe but you don'#t, or you wouldn't be posting here.

Can you ditch him safely or does he have your pin numbers as well?

he doesnt force me to at all.
He does sometimes push a little bit, which i need him too.

I sort of get stuck, i want to tell him something, or want to say something, and he knows that ( he knows me so well) and just sorts of waits, but is gently firm/perusaive/coaxing/reassuring until i say it.

then i feel a huge release, that ive finally said it.

Ive never met anyone who wanted to know everything about me in such detail, about what i thought, and why i thought that, and how i feel about things. I dont think anyone has actually ever asked me ' how do you feel about that' and actually meant it, or indeed, actually listened to the answer.

Thing is im not a hard person to get on with, i make friends really easily, and i know people think they know me. But they just dont.

alaya - totally makes sense. Its damn hard isnt it.

I think the persuasive thing is well creepy - sorry.

Just bear it in mind, what I said. If it rings alarm bells (yes, for you! even you have good instincts!) then there is something not entirely right.

no - i dont feel guilty when i keep things from him.
Im not talking about shopping lists, or where ive been. But about feelings, thoughts, that kind of thing.

Ive once said that i didnt want to discuss something, and he was fine with that. he knew i meant it.

He hasnt said my misgivings are wrong. Not once, he knows i struggle with it, that i find it hard, but that i want to be that open with him.

It probably is healthy but I don't think I would like that. I wouldn't want another person to know me that well. I like to keep some things back, but then I do have issues and things in my past which really should stay in my own head!
Agree he shouldn't be pushing you, I have told DP some of my shit stuff, but it has always been my decision to tell and he listens without probing.

It's really hard but I think we're lucky that the guys who we're talking to are patient enough to let us do it in our own time.

Sometimes I get mad at him when I don't feel ready to move past a barrier or only inch my way around it and he wants me to flatten it and he knows to back off when that happens otherwise I yell at him

Most times though, it's that sense of relief you mentioned, the feeling that they haven't run off from you when you've said something about how you feel and that they still want to talk to you and be with you. It's the best feeling ever :)

There is definitely a balance - he should be interested and care about what you have to say, but not overly probing and pushing. As Ennis says he shouldn't push you to say anything you don't feel comfortable saying.

But from what you've said I don't think he is being overly pushy. I guess the marker would be if you said "No, I really don't want to talk about this right now." would he say okay or would he be all "What? What is it?" and act hurt etc. It's not like the relationship is very new either - over a year?

I think it's wonderful that you have found someone who REALLY listens to you. :) (But yes you do have the right not to discuss anything you don't want to)

there you go, x-posted.

Alaya I can relate to that feeling as well, it's wonderful :)

I think a little mystery is a good thing. I certainly don't tell dh everything and he's the same.

As LLoyd Cole and the Commotions sang, "Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love you knowing nothing?"

I still don't think it's healthy. This sort of thing makes you feel vulnerable - what if you did want to move on, one day - how would you even start, knowing he knew everything about you?

For someone to encourage this kind of over dependency, they have probbaly got some trust issues themselves - they grew up having to tell their mother everything, or are very insecure and afraid you might leave them or be thinking bad things about them, so they need to know all of it - also, because it makes you vulnerable, it gives him a massive amount of power over you.

You are not comfortable with this and therefore I think you need to stop it.

it's the kind of relationship you would have with a psychoanalyst over a long period of time. It's not healthy in a loving relationship, it needs to be within a context of extremely good (and enforceable) boundaries - it sounds like you have none.

JMO, and each to their own - but don't say I didn't tell you!

I told my ex a huge secret I'd never told a soul before. He was great at the time.
When we split he threw it back in my face and told everyone, and did his best to destroy me with it.
Not that that will happen to you, but be warned!!!

Exactly - at the time, they are thinking, well, she's giving me what I want, so I'll be fine about it.

However once you're no longer in a relationship, or on the same team as it were, there's no residual loyalty.

So you have to be a bit cautious.

It can be a way for a man to feel he has something over you, so you stay with him.

I had someone like this. Over 18 months he encouraged me to open up, explored every last part of me, was the only person Ive ever felt comfortable enough to show the real me to.

When he knew me inside out, he got bored and moved onto the next one.

It hurt, a lot

Look, if you get such a release from talking with somebody who gently explores every corner of your mind, you need a therapist. Your therapist should not be your boyfriend for a number of good reasons.

Sorry to piss on everyone's bonfire.

He wants to know everything ? Why ?

I dont think its healthy , as someone else said , who is this guy to be probing your mind ? Sharing and confiding happens gradully , if hes being " firm and persuasive " your obviously not entireley comfortable.

You said some of these things are things you wouldnt tell anyone . So why are you ? Thoughts and feelings are your own , i would find someones attempt to know " everything " about me really worrying , and id see it as a sign of lack of boundarys.

Youve said about being close and " open ". You dont have to be so thoroughly open with him , and i think its a mistake to so so .Its perfectly ok to keep some stuff back. By telling him all this stuff your also telling him all your vulnerabilitys , what hurts you , what you think ect. This could leave you wide open to abuse and manipulation , not to mention what he might do with some of this info should you break up.

You say each time you tell him something thats another barrier down. Why ? Barriers are there to protect us and to keep people quite rightly at a healthy distance .This would worry me a lot and im afraid i would have run a mile at the first attempts at mind probing , im not into this mind merging stuff .

If his thoughts and feelings tend to be the same as yours i would worry even more , some people use info like this as a script , they be all the things you want and like.
Confiding and sharing are given , not taken , not by firmness or coaxing or anything else.

I'm kind of worried now (also relieved for not telling everything). I thought it was to the good that you could open yourself up to someone you cared about but from the posts, I'm really beginning to panic that I've already said too much to this person.

I'm going to go away and think about this a while. I wonder what OP thinks?

I really wonder why there is this idea of breaking down barriers . If its a barrier its there for a reason sureley ?
Where do we get these ideas from about breaking down barriers , being totally open ect.? Theres talk of issues around feelings and trust ect , when really , there not issues , there boundarysand theyre there for a reason.

Going all out with massive confessions and spilling guts is like giving someone a detailed map to your phsyce. They can then claim they know you so well , in fact , sometimes they state they know you better than you know yourself.

The only person you have to be totally open with is yourself. Anybody who made a suggestion like that to me would have me running away , for their lack of boundarys if nothing else.

Its like these men who say " So , what do you look for in a man "? In other words , tell me, and ill be it for a while.

Very creepy.

I always liked the quote 'its a relationship, not a deposition'. You aren't obligated to tell all, but if ultimately that's what you like and it's the way you want your relationship to be then that's up to you.

It does sound like it's a little on the intense side, which could be creepy but it sound exhausting!

It also sounds like you are insecure or at least all the soul-sharing is making you feel insecure which is why I am also leaning towards it being a bit of a powergame. Why does he want to know all this stuff? What does he get out of it?

But sometimes people like being in relationships with people who push their boundaries and help them open up and explore themselves. If you feel you need that kind of gentle prodding then you are a good match.

I know what you mean about feeling vulnerable which can feel nice because it's an intense feeling, but I would also caution you. Defense mechanisms are there for a reason. And I agree with previous poster that a bit mystery is a good thing.

It's very hard for me to decide what I think about this. As I've already said; on the one hand it's lovely to be in a relationship where you trust the other person enough to open up and be the real you, let some of those defences down and enjoy the safety of the intimacy and friendship of a good, supportive relationship.

But that sharing of yourself has to feel natural and be voluntary. As other posters have pointed out - if someone is interrogating you or probing you with questions that in any way make you feel uneasy or uncomfortable, then you are allowed to assert your boundaries and hold stuff back.

The fact that you're posting here at all and starting to question the level of your BFs interest in the workings of your mind indicates to me that you're not entirely sure about participating in what sounds like quite an intense exchange of innermost secrets. If you feeling uneasy, maybe take a mental step back for a bit and redraw your boundaries.

It is very intense. But it also works the other way round. I do the same to him.

I dont know why its like this. I have never/would never/never even thought that i would share so much with someone. To tell them, totally uncensored what i was thinking/feeling and why.

Its actually very liberating. I love it. Its hard, but i love it.

We split up for a few weeks, but very quickly got back together, as we ( and most definately i) missed the intimacy which we have got from talking.

If i really dont want to discuss something, or equally, if he doesnt. then thats fine. Noone pushes it. But i can tell, as can he. when maybe i do want to share something, but am just finding it hard.

The soul sharing stuff doesnt make me feel insecure, it actually gives me a pretty amazing high. Its like freedom to finally be able to say what i think and feel.

The reason i feel vunerable sometimes, is because then he knows me so well. Im totally open to being hurt again. Thats more scary than anything.

But then again, going though life, never really saying what you mean, and hiding your feelings from everyone cant be all that good either.

I do trust him. hes very supportive. I hope i am to him. I know he trusts me.

I wouldnt say im questioning the level of his interest, its just something im so unfamiliar with. Being honest, all my past relationships have been basically ' on the surface' with no emotional connection at all. This is a totally emotional connection and its just very different.

I'm interested to understand why you broke up - what happened there?

You don't have to say of course. But I wondered if it might be relevant?