OMG dh went snooping on mn and found this thread I started...

[SoStressedAndConfused]

This was about 2 weeks ago. Understandably he's hurt, confused, upset. We've been doing a lot of talking but I don't know where it will end.

He was really apologetic about snooping and says he wished he hadn't. But my God - I bared my soul online and he's read all [[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/958484-Staying-together-for-the-sake-of-the-children-after-25 this...
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Of course it must have been hurtful for him to read your post, but you were being honest and balanced and you were showing consideration for his feelings. The fact is that you do feel this way, so it's probably best that he knows this.

I didn't real the whole of the other thread, but from you OP it didn't sound like he was making much effort to keep the spark alive either.

Hope things work out for the best, whatever that is.

Oh dear. At least its out in the open now and you can hopefully talk about the best way to move forward. Good Luck xx

Thanks He asked me if I was relieved that he knew everything. I said no - it was something I'd wanted to deal with myself and not share the burden.

I have one friend who I told about my affair years later. She's also a good friend of dh - in fact he sees her every week. So I've told her he knows now - I copied the thread to her. So at least he has someone he can talk to about it. Difficult, though, because it puts her in the middle and she was really worried that he'd hate it that she has known for a few years that I once had an office affair but not said anything to dh about it.

Dh says he's angry about the affair but not worried by it - he can put that away in a box as it was so long ago before we were married or had the dcs. It's all the other stuff that's hurtful.

I've been really honest with him - either answered his questions or told him that I don't want to. eg he asked who I had more recent feelings for and I said I didn't want to say because it won't go anywhere.

I hope it is a turning point for you both; the replies you received were honest and balanced ones. It may have been very painful for him to read but he has buried his head in the sand for too long, well you both have. You both need to really think about what you wrote here and Relate may well be helpful to you both.

On a much wider level what are you two teaching your children about relationships here?.

What made him look at MN anyway and your postings?.

Oh dear that must have been awful. At least things are out in the open now for you. I hope you can work through this one way or another. Did he have no idea you were feeling like that? Does he want to work through it and do you?

"I have one friend who I told about my affair years later. She's also a good friend of dh - in fact he sees her every week. So I've told her he knows now - I copied the thread to her. So at least he has someone he can talk to about it. Difficult, though, because it puts her in the middle and she was really worried that he'd hate it that she has known for a few years that I once had an office affair but not said anything to dh about it".

Its done now but you both would be far better off talking to someone totally impartial like Relate rather than now muddy the waters further by bringing this female friend into your marriage crisis. You've put this lady in a very difficult position because she knows you both and the friendship you have will now never be the same again. I hope she counselled you to both go to Relate and to leave her well out of your marriage. She is not a marriage guidance counsellor and is too close to you both to be of any real use here.

Good morning SSAC

I just clicked on your thread out of interest and then on to your original thread, which I found really interesting as I'm in a similar situation - 24 years married, 2 x DC. Marriage more like a good friends/brother & sister/colleagues relationship.

I waver from wanting to make a break now while I'm still young enough to make a go of it - to thinking I am better off staying with a man who is totally solid, a great provider, kind, considerate etc etc.

FWIW, I did have a dalliance with an OM, which lasted about 18 months - a sort of emotional affair, not a physical one. I thought this would keep me going, providing the excitement and fun my marriage lacks.

WRONG. I don't advise it. I ended up confessing to my DH, as part of a conversation I instigated to try and get him to discuss and face up to the shortcomings of the marriage.

He was okay about it, and seemed to understand where I was coming from. We tried to think of ways of enriching and improving things and I guess a few months down the line things are a bit better.

My advice, SSAC, again FWIW, is try counselling, but don't seek solace with someone else. My attempts at that led to rejection, pain and heartbreak.

I wondered what sort of progress if any you had made between your original post and your current one.

Just posting this really to reassure you you are by no means alone feeling like this after 20+ years of marriage

My DH read my threads when I was trying to sort my head out a year ago after an affair. It was probably a good thing as it enabled him to hear my thoughts which I was trying to hide from him in a misguided effort to protect him. I name changed a few times and had the threads deleted but since I decided to leave him and live on my own I have stopped trying to conceal things. It did open up the dialogue and made our Relate sessions far more productive when everything was out there. Sadly the conclusion was that I didnt want to stay with him but I still think it was better he knew how I felt. I wish i had been brave enough to sit him down and tell him everything instead of leaking it on the internet.

Hi Iz nice to se you here

Hi

I remember you. That must have been excruciating for both of you, for him to have that thread. How did he tell he had ? How and why did he put two and two together and realise it was you ?

You were very honest, although I have to say you got some great replies and for an "infidelity" thread it stayed remarkably calm and non-judgmental

I think that is because you came across as such a nice person from the off and were able to articulate properly how you felt.

Where are you up to now ? What next ?

I'm going to be flamed - I don't normally post on the rel threads (partly because I'm not sure how my own relationship would stand up to scrutiny) but I have been thinking about this thread all morning having read your previous thread.
Your main priority is to protect your DCs from the fall out of a broken marriage and that you don't want to be seen as the 'one' who has shattered that dream/perfect childhood.
But, if it were to happen, you would be happy for your DH to end the relationship (by meeting an OW) and, presumably, be seen as the 'bad guy' with you an innocent bystander.
With the best will in the world, this is not fair.
You are unhappy. You, and only you, know what you want/need to do. You need to make a decision and take responsibility for it.

My DH is possibly the most incurious person you will ever meet.

He knows I use MN, even that I made two now very close friends on it

I would be in a terrible pickle if he ever did come on here and read my threads, and my contributions to others'.

In some ways SSAC I think it might help you in the long run. Your DH has the full and frank picture of how you feel, or were feeling.

In my case, I made my confession as part of a bigger dialogue to try and give DH the opportunity to make some changes and help me make some.

I think he may have known about my "friendship" with someone else - the person was known to him and although he (DH) was offended and said he didn't want the OM to ever darken our doorstep again, the subject has not been mentioned since.

And so we muddle on. In the back of my mind, when I am really low, I think that in 2 years' time my younger DS will be off to uni. (the older one's in his 2nd year now) and I might be brave enough to make a break....

These long marriages are such a challenge.

I feel terrible typing this actually as it is DH's birthday today and he is in the house!

Like AF I would be very interested to know how things have gone since your original post, and what your plans are now?

laydee...you should not get flamed for that, it is a valid viewpoint and I'm sure the Op would acknowledge that...she is a good person, I think

Hi everyone. I've been out this morning. Thanks for all your replies.

I see that you're interested to see what else had happened since the original thread, so here goes...

Dh instigated a conversation a couple of months ago saying that he wasn't very happy either. So I took the opportunity to raise the possibility that we might split at some time in the future. I reassured him that he hasn't done anything wrong but that I feel we've grown apart.

Now dh is a kind, loving person and was clearly rather taken aback. He hadn't realised I felt like that. I've been away a few times recently (sometimes with ds1 but once in a small group of adults. On one of these occasions dh went on my mn a/c which I just leave open and looked at 'Threads I started'.

So stupid man shouldn't have been nosing, but he's been unsettled by what I said a few weeks ago and I was away from home so he had time on his hands.

I got back on the Thurs night and all was normal. Fri I had a streaming cold so went to bed really early in the spare room. He came in about midnight and sat on the bed and said he'd looked at my mn and had been really worried by something he'd seen. He apologised for snooping. Anyhow at first I said I hadn't a clue what he was talking about - I genuinely hadn't. Then he said he'd seen this thread about me having an affair before we were married and having feelings for someone else.

I straightaway said it must've been written ages ago.

I was really straight with him - just told him who/when etc.

I said I'd rather not say who I had feelings for more recently - that's a bit of a red herring to be honest. I'm not going to do anything about it and I'd been feeling negative about my marriage for years before that.

Dh wouldn't want to go to Relate. I don't either but I would if he did.

He's been rather clingy the past 2 weeks - hardly surprising. He's started quizzing me about accommodation arrangements etc when we stay away. Honestly - we're usually in bunk beds with a load of smelly kit. He even said he wants to start coming on our trips away - it would drive me nuts. I need a bit of space to keep a sane head for the times that I'm at home.

I can really see that it's going to escalate. I've been able to put on a pretty good show of playing happy families for ages, but if he starts clinging round me and questioning me about where I am, what I'm doing and who I'm with then he will drive a bigger wedge between us.

Other people aren't the problem - though it's understandable that he's edgy after what I've said.

I do appreciate all your advice, ladies. It was really helpful before and continues to be now. I'm usually such a balanced person - the sort that others come to when they have problems - but I'm feeling a bit unhinged myself at the moment.

LaydeeC - I do agree with you. It would be great for me to have an easy option and be seen as blameless but it's not going to happen and - as you rightly say - would be totally unfair. I'm just being really honest with all the thoughts in my head - things that I wouldn't bring into a 'real' converstaion if I was telling friends about all this.

He wasn't "nosing" or "snooping". He was reading a widely-read, often-in-the-news public website.

If you split have you thought about what happens with the house and children etc?

SoStressedAndConfused I am so sorry you are going through this.

I have no real advice, but what I do know is that life is too short to be unhappy. I almost died four years ago and in the moment when the doctor told dh there was little hope, I knew I had persued the right life, I was deeply happy and loved and, although desperate not to die, I recognised that I wouldn't have changed a thing.

Thankfully still here. But although my experience was massively traumatic, it was valuable too. Any lingering doubts I may have had were brought into sharp relief and the answers found.

Please remember you deserve to be happy and fulfilled. As does your dh. Good luck.x

AllFallDown, there is a difference between him reading the public site and being logged in as his wife, specifically looking for the threads she started. If he was reading the site and didn't know her screen name he would have had no idea.

It sounds to me as if you have made your decision. You don't want to go to Relate, and he is starting to irritate you.

I think you need to be fair to yourself and him

.. actually, I notice you said "DH wouldn't want to go to Relate" - have you actually asked him outright?

Does it suit you that he doesn't want to ? - because you aren't motivated to save the marriage

Sorry if this sounds a bit blunt

AllFallDown - I disagree - he went into my account and looked at threads I've started. He knows my usual mn name - I've changed for this. If he hadn't gone onto my pc and my account he wouldn't have found it. However - that's not the issue - I've told him that I haven't got a problem with what he did.

*JamieLeeCurtis8 re: relate we were talking about what we should do next so I said 'What about some sort of counselling?' to which he replied 'NO way!'. Perhaps I should try to encourage him. I know people who've used relate and they're all divorced now. Maybe people who use it successfully don't talk about it.

nannynobnobs thank you - my point exactly

perfumedlife gosh! that's amazing. Pleased for you that you're happy. The thing for me is that I spend large parts of my life being very happy indeed - when I'm out riding my friend's horse, when I'm at work, when I'm away on trips with ds1, when I'm with my girlfriends. I just don't take the pleasure that I should from dh's company.