OMG dh went snooping on mn and found this thread I started...

[SoStressedAndConfused]

This was about 2 weeks ago. Understandably he's hurt, confused, upset. We've been doing a lot of talking but I don't know where it will end.

He was really apologetic about snooping and says he wished he hadn't. But my God - I bared my soul online and he's read all [[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/958484-Staying-together-for-the-sake-of-the-children-after-25 this...
]]

Wellwasi - re: house and children - they're 15 and nearly 17 so fairly independent. I'd try to find a way of dh keeping the house at least until they left home. I would consider buying another 2 bed property nearby and having bunk beds in the spare room. It could be close enough to home and school that they could choose where and when to spend time with each of us. We wouldn't need to make formal access agreements.

Then when the boys go to university (which is likely and would be in 3.5 years for ds2) we could make the formal split.

I'd like to think that we could work through that and stay friends.

AllFallDown...looking at "Threads I Started" when logged in is snooping

My own DH did it once (I stupidly left MN logged on) and saw something he really shouldn't have that upset him terribly.

It was actually a joke, and so exaggerated it couldn't possibly have been true but when looking at something written in black and white, without the context (and the understanding of the often irreverent nature of MN), was taken totally the wrong way.

Snoopers, like people who listen at doorways, have to be prepared to see/hear something they might not be happy with.

It might be he doesn't understand the counselling process. My DH didn't, he thought it'd be me and another woman sat bitching about him. I wonder if he was feeling unhappy and insecure which is why he looked at your MN? It's why I check up on my DH, to feel secure.

izquierda yes - 25 years together in our case - half a lifetime. In some ways I think why should it seem so disastrous to acknowledge that we've grown apart? We've done a great job of raising our boys. We've been really happy for much of our time together. We should be able to go our separate ways but stay friends. Though I'm sure some will find that terribly naiive.

ohforfoxsake no doubt that he was only looking because of feeling insecure. Sadly for him he feels a whole lot worse now.

Regards the snooping, people are advised on here if they suspect their partner to be up to something to check emails, phones etc. So perhaps he thought you were upto something.

It is good if you can do it amicably we did and the DC are better for it.

Reading through everything in your OP reminds me that despite your husband being a nice guy with great relationship with your kids, considerate etc...women are so fickle.

You married him and had kids knowing he'd probably make a half decent dad that you could put up with. You were aging and chose to live a lie for the sake of...well why? Was it because all your friends had married and had children so you wanted to be part of bunch? Ticking the boxes?

Turn things on its head and consider how the army of women on MN would attack someone's husband if their wife had found a distant post; conveying how, despite being a great mother and wife he couldn't stand her company and was desperate for a divorce. Would you really rally round the husband when she'd become aware that he had had an affair and that the marriage was a lie based on convenience? Of course not, terrible hypocrites.

Will you be happy living an independent life in a 2 bed flat dating new men? Sure, until a dreamy wonder bloke screws you over. Then you'll be back posting on MN about how your ex would have paid the bill, finished the washing up or filled the car with petrol.

I tell you all: women, for all their positives end up being cats - attractive and appealing at first but ultimately highly fickle and manipulative. Men on the other hand closely resemble dogs - what you see is what you get: loyal and honest, except for those small and snappy prats.

And that is a massive generalisation. Obviously.

jul...you speak some sense

some

on the original thread, I said "ladies, be careful what you wish for..."

that still stands, IMO

wishing for excitement with an "alpha male" might just get you a whole load of heartbreak and being dumped when he tires of you

while that faithful husband you got tired of would still have been there for you

the grass is not always greener and finding that out can be very, very painful

That's true too AnyFucker.

I think you'd be doing him a favour in the long term by splitting.I don't mean this horribly but he can then meet someone who appreciates him

I've not read your previous thread or this one in much detail but just wanted to respond to your comment about splitting when your children both go to university.

If you do decide to do this, please don't assume that they'll be old enough and independent enough to be hardly affected. This happened so frequently amongst my friends at uni and in most cases was devastating personally and enormously disruptive for their courses. From their perspectives, they sort of left home (let's face it, most students reappear pretty frequently!) and instantly 'home' dissolved, parents were suddenly unhappy together making them question years of their childhood where they thought the family was happy, often they lost their childhood bedroom and in some cases didn't have their own bedroom in parents' new houses as they weren't going to be there enough and parents couldn't afford 2 houses of a similar size. A few of my friends hit real identity crises from this, just be careful.

just goes to show

waiting till the kids are "grown" is not a sensible idea really

in fact, using "the kids" as an excuse for anything (staying together, splitting, whatever) is fatally flawed

The OP is hardly fickle - twenty years with the same man is not changing your mind frequently. We all make choices that we ultimately regret, it's just that some mistakes are greater than others.

AF and welwasi are speaking sense, if you don't appreciate him then move out so that you can find someone who floats your boat, and so that he can find someone who will appreciate his good qualities.

You're lucky that you can afford the move.

OP I have done exactly what you are proposing 10 weeks ago. DC are late teens two still at school one at UNI. I have moved into a tiny house close to home and see them often but don't want to force DH to sell up so they can keep their own rooms etc.

So far it has been amicable although DH was very sad I left him. We tried to fix things but too late. Six months of effort can't repair twenty years of neglect.

DH told me "people said" I should have waited till they finished school, but I agree there is never a good time for parents to split and they were not learning anything good about relationships watching us hurting each other.

I have been to an excellent counsellor and she has taught me to listen to that tiny voice in your head that tells you the truth. I didn't like what it was saying but it couldnt be reasoned away.

I am happier now, although scared, guilty and often hurting. But honest with myself at last.

Perhaps I should have made myself a little clearer rather than going into a bit of a rant.

I've got nothing against the OP leaving her husband. It's clearly not working out, she will be relieved to leave and as someone else has mentioned, their husband may one day be glad.

My problem is that the OP walked into this situation more aware than she would like to admit. Now for whatever reason she's decided she can't live the lie and is going to leave a trail of emotional distress. So what's the reaction on MN? Sympathy! WHY??!

OP: Never forget that the 'advice' people give on MN can be very different to the advice they would give face to face as a friend.

Julraj You're making a huge assumption by saying that I'm looking for some dreamy new man - I'm not. I'm very independent and have always had male friends. Dh has female friends too. I'm not the sort of woman who can only exist if there's a man in tow. If I left I would be aiming to make a new life for myself alone. If I then met someone that would be great, but it wouldn't be the aim.

whenallelsefailsmaketea good luck - well done for being brave!

julraj where are you coming from?

Will you be happy living an independent life in a 2 bed flat dating new men? Sure, until a dreamy wonder bloke screws you over. Then you'll be back posting on MN about how your ex would have paid the bill, finished the washing up or filled the car with petrol

You sound very bitter and it is not clear why. Has someone hurt you and made you distrustful of women looking for independence and happiness?

Most of us are quite capable of paying our own bills, finishing the washing up or filling the car with petrol. We can also generally spot a loser before he "screws us over".

Would you advocate the OP staying with DH for security and to reduce risk even if she is unhappy and making him unhappy too? Life is too short for that. Sometimes courage is needed!

Thanks SSAC I don't always feel brave!

OP I contributed to the first thread, being in a somewhat similar position to you.
I am still with my DH , he is still a mostly lovely , loyal man.
I heard a church sermon recently about how if you love someone what you seek most of all is their PRESENCE.
It made me very sad to realise I prefer to be alone than in the company of dh.

As I said on the other thread I have often thought I am just wired differently to many other women. I have no desire whatsoever to be a part of a tight couple . If my husband had an affair and wanted to leave he would go with my (surprised and civil) blessing, just so long as our kids were loved by and accessible to us both.

Please dont anyone come on here and tell me I might feel differerent if it actually happened , as I know myself pretty well.

I have actually wondered if there is something wrong with my brain, such is my inability to relate to the "I'd have his balls for breakfast" viewpoint.

I am not a cold fish - quite the opposite in fact. I am an incredibly romantic and affectionate person. DH is not

A friend with 2 primary school kids , in your shoes, left her husband a few months ago and is incredibly content in her tiny flat.

I hope it all works out well for all concerned

"Would you advocate the OP staying with DH for security and to reduce risk even if she is unhappy and making him unhappy too? Life is too short for that. Sometimes courage is needed!"

...and then reading my earlier post...

"I've got nothing against the OP leaving her husband. It's clearly not working out, she will be relieved to leave and as someone else has mentioned, their husband may one day be glad."

So if you actually read what I wrote you'll see my gripe is...

that the OP walked into this situation more aware than she would like to admit. Now for whatever reason she's decided she can't live the lie and is going to leave a trail of emotional distress. So what's the reaction on MN? Sympathy! WHY??!

Why? Because you're an awkward, fickle bunch that despite having everything 100,000's of people could ever hope for are still not happy.

Julraj

I have sympathy with your view. I feel very sorry for the OPs husband, as much, if not more than I do her. He's now in a position of having nowwhere to go except to become increasingly insecure and therefore irritating. If he came on here, I'd be suggesting he takes his destiny in his hands pushes for counselling.

But making provocative statements about "awkward, fickle bunch" is annoying and unhelpful

I'm not necessarily expecting sympathy - though it's very much appreciated. It's good to have a range of opinions on the situation. No one could be harder on me than I am myself, believe me.

estuardo thank you. We do sound incredibly alike. I've never considered myself as half of a couple. Dh and I are friends who have shared values when it comes to money, the home and children.

I would put my children before anything else - I just can't work out whether it's best for them to stick together or split.

Now that dh knows how I really feel he's keen to work at our marriage. He's been arranging some activities - cinema, theatre etc so that's a start.

We always have a good time when we're in a group of friends - it's being alone with him that has been a problem for me. I also feel really guilty about not wanting to have sex with him. Like most men it means a lot to him and he sees it as a way of demonstrating his love for me. I find it difficult because I don't want to be exerting power by withholdng sex - yet I really don't want to do it with him any more. Nor am I particularly bothered about doing it with anyone else in case you're wondering.

SSandC we seem to be in a minority.
I have no desire at all to havesexwith dh (or anyome else)