please help. My husband left today - nearly eighteen months on...

[Boilerwoman]

I have lurked for an age wanting to post but I'm very aware of all the time and effort that lovely MNers went to to help me from last May onwards, and am hoping I haven't used up my quota...

This is going to sound very stupid but I am wondering if it possible that the shock of what happened is just now wearing off. I am feeling very bleak.

It can't take this long for what happened to to have properly sunk in, can it?

Yes. I like him. (I think it is me I don't like). I sometimes wonder why, and if it is a sign of weakness but yes. I will not pretend things are "back to normal". I know they will never be how they were before. I know that.

I will confess I find it hard to trust him. That in itself is hard, because I have gone from absolute trusting-with-my-life to, for now, trusting very little. I think I said last year that I would never trust anyone ever again and I think to an extent I still feel that way.

Having said that I don't believe he has had any contact with her. He has had a new phone for a while. He rarely uses email at home, and I can access his email if I like. He is not allowed to use email at work. Neither of us are registered on Facebook.

I wonder if I am a person who is just not "for" counselling. I know so many people say it has helped them but from my own point of view I can't see how talking could help. It won't change what has happened.

UA...I have been around x

BW...how does he react to the fact that you are now anorgasmic when you are having sex, bearing in mind you appeared to have no problems fully enjoing sex with him before ?

He wants me to enjoy myself. He wants to spend the time on arousal and stuff. I think this part of it is me. I just can't let go. All I can focus on is "did he touch her like this/that" "did she do this/that". I have asked him if he thinks these things.

He has said it will happen again when I am ready and let it. But I can't...

BW your decisions are your own of course but at the very least you should think about going to your GP and discussing your current situation. If you are in fact clinically depressed, he/she may be able to give you some suggestions.

However, for what it's worth, specifically in your case I would suggest cognative therapy. It's not about lying on the couch and talking your problems out...it's much more practical approach.

And you're correct, you cannot change what has happened and no amount of talking about it can either. But now what, right? Isn't that the question at hand?

Good luck.

BW is this about sex or about whether you can really enjoy life properly with you husband again? The two seem to be entwined. Sex is oine thing. Trusting and loving is another.

It is not up to him to say it will be ok in time'. That seems more than a tad patronising to me.

Because it might not be ok for you in time. Or ever.

You dont owe him sex and you don't owe yourself the pressure of giving you both sex.

Forgive me if this is out of order, but he sounds a little bit too self obsessed still.

How are the Dcs lovely lady?

BW, if your DH has answered all your questions regarding the affair and you have seen real changes for the better in him and in his actions then now is the time to really work on you and doing things that make you happy and taking real time for yourself. You have got to be selfish, go on holiday with a girlfriend to get away from your DH and the DCs, take up a hobby or something you enjoyed doing in your childhood.

The flashbacks/obsessions will continue to happen (I'm a little further down the line from you) but I find telling the thought to go away, that it is not welcome does help - sounds a bit silly I know. Sometimes I will see something on the telly or DH says something quite innocently and it will cause me to have a sharp intake of breath and the anxiety "pains" but time is a healer. Re the sex, I found I had a dip at about the 18month stage and tended to go through the motions but I think lots of people have ebbs and flows in that dept. If you can take control of the obsessions the sex side may pick up but if not then you really need to talk to someone.

It is extremely hard coping with the shock of what our DHs did and carry on as normal etc for the DC (mine upped and left too for OW). I don't think I am mentally that good as well (4DSs - 2 with ASD) but I have taken up horse riding again after a 20 yr break and it has been a turning point for me, my therapy as it were, it's all about me, not the DC or the DH or the business. We all need to be selfish at times.

Please see your GP or a counsellor and carry on talking to your DH about how you are feeling, he needs to help you find a solution if you want to stay with him etc.

Good luck.

I'm going to post and run as I will be leaving work soon, but I will come back later tonight.

Thank you for asking UA. The DCs are all fine. DD2 is now away to university (and with it my built-in babysitter so no chance at all now to get out in the evenings.

And Greyclay you are right. It is now what? I feel that I should be able to deal with this because I have dealt with what went before, but I seem to be failing miserably and I don't know why it just now seems to be hitting me.

I don't think I have ever been good at being selfish. There is always someone else to see to in this house.

You need to change that, BW

it can be done

I am in a reasonably similar situation to you.

I would say that it is important to do things for yourself. I have taken up some new activities. I have made some new friends. They make me feel good about myself.

Have you made any friends in your area - I remember that you felt isolated before.

It may sound daft - but I think this would all help you. ILl never forget one of the lines in Crocodile Dundee -when he hears about someone going to see a counsellor - he says - Have they no mates?

If counselling isnt for you you really need to go out with a friend/ couple of friends every week and chat/have intimacy with someone else. This all helps me.

Me too. I think 18 months is quite a key threshold, the initial shock and adrenaline wears off, and reality starts to settle in. It is really difficult, particularly if you aren't getting much RL support. Would highly recommend counselling, you might be surprised what a difference it makes.

Boilerwoman - I remember you! So pleased you feel able to post again (I posted about you on one of the 'whatever happened to ...' threads).

Sorry though to hear that you are struggling, though I am not remotely surprised.

I agree with those who think counselling may help I am afraid, even though it didn't last time. Though I seem to remember you work full time (?) so I understand it may be hard to fit in.

Mumfun makes an excellent point about activities and friends. 18 months ago you were new to the area and didn't really know anyone. Has that improved?

I'm not so new to the area now but would confess I am still isolated. It is very difficult(sounds like whining) but I work full time and, now that DD2 is away to university, have no babysitter. It is rural here and a drive to the nearest anything really. I have seen yoga/zumba/whatever classes that are fairly close by, but they start at ridiculous times like 6.00pm. Anything in the evening is a no-no really, because I couldn't keep it up due to DH's shift work. Weekends are similar, as he simply does rolling shifts.

Since the DCs started arriving I have got into a rut I suppose, of working, coming home and seeing to them, and then collapsing in a heap on the sofa. There really don't seem to be enough hours in the day to keep up with everyone's needs, let alone do stuff for me. The thought of it is kind of alien to me now.

I really don't want to sound like a miserable old trout. It is really helpful for me to be able to let off steam here.

Boilerwoman, really good to hear from you again! I posted on your original thread (under my old name) and have often wondered how you're getting on.

It is quite possible that the initial shock has only just worn off. Not only that, but you DH's initial gratitude to you, the initial reconciliation, the initial effort to make things work. What he did will never be undone, you will probably always think of your relationship in terms of before he left and after, whether you want to or not. So the effort and the work needs to be ongoing, from both of you. He needs to understand that while everything might feel the same to him as before, like water under the bridge, for you there is a massive hole, a huge gap in your marriage. Not just literally, but emotionally and psychologically too.

Are you happy you took him back? Or do you think you would have been happier, 18 months on, if you'd ended the marriage back then? What do you see as your options - some form of treatment or change for you, further work on the relationship, seperation, or something else?

I did the right thing for me in taking him back. At first I thought mainly of teh DCs and what would be best for them but then I tried to take them out of the equation (not easy) and decide what I wanted.

I think if I had ended our marriage I would be in a lot worse state now.

I am getting such help from all your posts and it is helping me to try and come at this from different viewpoints. I think I need to do something with ME. I'm not sure what but I know I cannot carry on feeling so so down all the time. I keep telling myself that it's stupid, that I can't change what's gone before and that I have to concentrate on now, but it's just so bloody hard.

Simple things like Christmas is coming and I am finding it so overwhelming that I haven't actually done anything about it. I have never been like that before.

I want to be sexy and attractive (if that is possible at my age) and I maybe need to work on that as well.

I want to achieve something.

BW

THis is quickly but I too am left finding it very difficult to organise things. I am getting better but its still very obvious to me.

BW, I too feel totally overwhelmed by things too at times. I probably have too many DC, and the thought of Christmas is filling me with horror (just got over 3 birthdays!).

Is it at all possible for you to cut down on your hours at work, it sounds like you haven't had a break at all after all that has happened. My counsellor didn't actually think I was capable of working at the time things were bad for me and my DH. Fortunately (or unfortunately ) I was only working for DH so could take time as and when I needed to IYSWIM. But as I say I am now becoming more selfish and nothing gets in the way of my weekly riding lesson .

I think you probably need to sit down with your DH and come up with some sort of plan whereby you and your needs come top of the list. If you are not feeling ok, then the marriage is not going to be ok and the family is not going to be ok. You have to make your mental wellbeing a priority.

Counting you sound like me DC-wise.

I know DH and I need to talk more. It's just so hard. DH is on his last 12-hour shift of 7. I've barely seen him since last Friday. It is hard to factor in time for talking when neither of us are here.

I am actively looking for another job.

The counsellors we saw suggested I maybe gave up work and became a SAHM (impossible).

Can I ask Counting did you at first find it hard to be "selfish"? I don't see it as selfish for other people to take time for themselves, just if I were to do it.

BW, it sounds like your counsellor was pretty poor - I've no experience of counselling, but surely it's not their place to suggest you give up work, much less to do so for the sake of your marriage. That's quite outrageous!

Yes I think at the time it was happening I posted about other aspects of what was being said and other posters picked up on those too. I don't know if she thought it was helpful to sort of pose it as a possibility or something?

I found it very hard to think about what I wanted to do because I think I had given myself over to the DH and the DC, they demanded so much from me because of their ages and various SNs, DH because of the business etc.

I did little things at first, took time out at the end of the day to have a long soak in the bath with some lovely bath bombs/melts rather than a very quick shower in the morning, tried to find time to lose myself in a good book etc. I also got my hair done more regularly because, unlike clothes, you are always "wearing" your hair and if it looks good it does make you feel better.

I have and still am thinking long and hard about what I truly want to do. The logistics of the DC means I can probably only work for DH (DC being ill, appointment for here, there & everywhere etc) for the timebeing.

You have to think back to what you enjoyed doing in your childhood/teenage years, what made you happy then ? For me, it was horseriding, use to have my own horse up until DS1 was born but i didn't actually start doing it until 14/5 months after the affair.

FWIW I think your counsellor was right to suggest you have a break from work. I know mine suggested it in front of DH to make him realise what he had done and the impact it had had on me and I wasn't "fit for work", I wasn't fit for anything at the time, it was all I could do to keep the DC fed, clothed and watered! There are times now where I still want to run screaming for the hills, to get away from everything which is why the riding has been a godsend, gets me out in the fresh air and away from everything.

I have a friend who designates one day a week to herself whilst the DC are at school. On that day she does no housework at all, she may only read a book or go window shopping or even sleep during the day (setting her alarm on her mobile) - she really has the right idea.

Sorry for the ramble, hope it helps.