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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help. My husband left today - nearly eighteen months on...

48 replies

Boilerwoman · 17/11/2010 20:40

I have lurked for an age wanting to post but I'm very aware of all the time and effort that lovely MNers went to to help me from last May onwards, and am hoping I haven't used up my quota...

This is going to sound very stupid but I am wondering if it possible that the shock of what happened is just now wearing off. I am feeling very bleak.

It can't take this long for what happened to to have properly sunk in, can it?

OP posts:
toomanystuffedbears · 17/11/2010 20:56

To sink in? ... I don't think so, unless you are carrying on with an imaginary husband in an obvious denial sort of way.

It might be that you are not putting gears in motion, so to speak, to live for yourself and not in terms of him.

The bleakness may be a/the void...so fill the void with yourself. What have you been putting off doing for yourself? What had you had a tendency to defer to his decision when you'd all along secretly wished it another way: order a pizza with your favorite toppings, if you have not already.
You you you, it is time to be self-centered. Have fun. In time, hopefully, even a memory of him will start to fade (even if, for example, you have to see him twice a week for dc).

I wasn't on your previous thread, so no quota used up here. I would think you'd get support here as long as you needed it.

sanebrain · 17/11/2010 20:57

I'm sorry to hear you feel so awful; and I thought I don't know you, it may be that you have been holding it together, and putting on a brave face etc and only after time are you starting to feel what has actually happened.

I know that I still have some latent anger about my marriage which finished in 2007... so it sounds perfectly plausible to me. And if you've been 'lurking' for a while it sounds like you have plenty of practice at keeping control.

And good that you have finally posted.

queenrollo · 17/11/2010 21:20

i remember you from when it all happened, i have wondered how you were getting on.

Of course you haven't used up your quota Smile

It certainly can take a long time for it to sink in......my situation is different to yours but there were still times up to two years after my relationship broke down that I would feel this odd sort of clarity about it all and would suddenly feel very low and emotional about it all again.

I'm sure there will be others along who remember you too and will be able to help you work through whatever you're struggling with now.

Original poster
Boilerwoman · 17/11/2010 21:30

thank you.

I shouldn't drip feed I know. My situation is that my DH left me last May. This came as a complete shock. I had no idea anything was wrong and the whole thing very nearly pushed me over the edge. We had been very happily married -or so I thought - for nearly twenty-five years.

He did come back and we are trying to make things better, for want of a better explanation.

I don't know if it's because I spent so long dealing with all the practicalities of DCs, house, job etc. that I just went onto autopilot and never came off. For those who remember me, you may remember I had nobody in RL to turn to throughout it all. It was literally me and MN.

But now I think I am coming off autopilot and it is frightening me.

OP posts:
WundaWumman · 17/11/2010 21:36

I saw a bereavement cousellor this year who told me that 18 months is a significant milestone - the one year anniversary passes and once you're through that you think you're coming out of it... then something like 6 months later it knocks you sideways completely unexpectedly. The feelings at the end of of relationship is a form of grief really, even though you might have got back together this could explain the delay to some extent.

LunarRose · 17/11/2010 21:43

Shock definately can hit you at different times and in unexpected ways.

Sometimes you can be so busy getting on with the practical job of living we forget to give ourselves the time to sit down and say well that was traumatic, now I need to take some time to make sure I'm ok

Doubly and triplerly true if you're busy making sure dc are ok too.

I still don't think I've come to terms with many of the things that happened in my marriage and that was 2.5 years ago, I actually can't remember everything that happened unless I read through the paperwork. the body has an odd way of dealing with these things

in the grand scheme of things 18 months isn't that long, sit yourself down and give yourself a hug and a Biscuit
Smile

LunarRose · 17/11/2010 21:44

cross posted

AnyFucker · 17/11/2010 21:46

I remember you

I am in no surprise at all that you are still struggling, and in fact, having some sort of delayed reaction to how abominably you were treated

LunarRose · 17/11/2010 21:47

Coming off the autopilot is really scary cos too all intents and purposes you are coping fine, then you are not only surprised that you still have these feelings but you are also surprised because you are used to yourself coping

Original poster
Boilerwoman · 17/11/2010 22:11

I think that is partly it. I have coped, for the most part, and now I am scared that I am coming to the end of my coping, and that there is nothing I can do about that...

OP posts:
msboogie · 17/11/2010 22:21

What you mean is that you panicked when he left, for very understandable reasons, and just wanted him and your old life back at whatever cost. Now you are losing the ability to hide from the fact that he is not the man you thought he was, the relationship you thought you had didn't exist and he is not worthy of you and your children..

the panic has worn off and reality is setting in.

AnyFucker · 17/11/2010 22:23

BW...perhaps "coming to the end of my coping" really means "coming to the end of my denial"

msboogie · 17/11/2010 22:23

exactly

lowercase · 17/11/2010 22:43

didnt you start counselling?

what happened with that?

i remember you, and wondered how you all are (5 DC!)

Longtalljosie · 17/11/2010 22:51

Hello! I've often thought about you... The only mumsnetter I've got up at 2am to check on!

Tell me how things are now. Is your H still at home? Are things (ostensibly) back to normal? Has he changed? Do you have more of a social circle than you did?

Original poster
Boilerwoman · 18/11/2010 09:12

I'm sorry - my internet connection went down last night, and now I'm at work. I'll post properly during my lunch hour.

Thank you all, again.

OP posts:
sanebrain · 18/11/2010 13:34

Plenty of quota still left :)

Original poster
Boilerwoman · 18/11/2010 13:59

My H is still at home. We did start counselling, but truthfully found that the sessions we had weren't helpful. I found it all horribly self-indulgent. Then the various DCs went down with chickenpox, one after the other, and I got shingles, and once again I was thrown into just getting on with life.

I accept I very definitely did want him to come back, at whatever cost, at the beginning. That desperation slowly started to wane as I woke up to what he had done, and when he came back it was because I allowed it. I feel I allowed it rather than accepted it, if that makes any sense at all.

So I am not sure if I am still in denial or what I am feeling. I am having sexual problems (but that's another thread perhaps) and I find I am spending more and more time just remembering it all, and failing to understand why he did it.....

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 18/11/2010 15:54

I remember the issues at the back of the sexual problems. He isn't putting pressure on you to do that particular thing, is he? Because if he is after all he's put you through... words would fail me.

As far as how long these things take, I wouldn't expect to be over it by now. As you say, it's been one damn thing after another and it stands to reason that now things have settled down, you're thinking about it more.

Original poster
Boilerwoman · 18/11/2010 16:12

No LTJ, he's absolutely not (I am surprised but very touched that you remembered).

When he first came back we had a lot more sex than we had done in a while. We would wake up in the middle of the night and have sex then. I suppose it was like a honeymoon period all over again.

Much as I enjoyed the closeness of it, I did not have an orgasm at any time. I still haven't. Instead, when we have sex now, I feel as though I am having flashbacks to when he was having it with her, although I obviously wasn't there of course, and so I don't know how it is possible to think you are having flashbacks to something you weren't even party to, but (is this even making sense?)

Before his affair I would have multiple orgasms every time. Now I think that is over for me for good. it's just something else making me feel crap about everything.

OP posts:
UnlikelyAmazonian · 18/11/2010 16:23

Hi BW and a huge welcome back to you. Smile

Do you like your h?

My exH traumatised me 2.5 years ago and every now and again I still have horrid flashbacks and very real dreams that he and i are back together but he has a gf in tow and hates me/says he loves me/

They are horrid sweaty confusing dreams and flashbacks.

I wonder if you are suffering from PTSD? It might well be possible. With trauma, when your coping mechanisms dry up, you don't know who 'you' are anymore and that is just as frightening.

Maybe ask your husband to move out for a short while. Or perhaps leave him a note saying bye then empty the house while he is down the chippy. Wink

UnlikelyAmazonian · 18/11/2010 16:25

anyfucker where have you been? Missed you Blush

Longtalljosie · 18/11/2010 16:26

Phew, thank heavens for that!

Well, I have to confess to you I'm more than a little envious of the multiple orgasms every time! But in all seriousness, some form of sexual issue is only to be expected. Stress / fear inhibits orgasm, and you're probably a bit of both. And of course it reminds you of his infidelity.

I think this is the sort of thing only time will fix. But this isn't something that is about you. It's about you reacting perfectly normally to something he has done. It's unfortunate, but it's not something to blame yourself for. And the advice is the same as you'd give a male friend who was having difficulty with arousal - not to put themselves under pressure, to take your time - and to think seriously about the underlying issues.

How far do you trust him? Does he have anything to do with the OW?

Greyclay · 18/11/2010 16:31

BW I followed your original thread although I never posted. (you were already getting very excellent advice). But I am now going now going to treat you as though you were my friend/sister/mother and give you the same advice I would give them.

I would strongly urge you to seek counseling at this time for all of the issues you are flagging on this thread, and indeed for all of the reasons you are returning to MN. You say you found counseling to be self indulgent...you need to get over that idea. I think it's probably time that you start some uncomfortable, probably painful, but ultimately healing self-examination.

This feeling like crap all the time? I can promise you that's not going to go away no matter how much you suppress it or try to keep "coping" or "carrying on", unless you get some help. There is also a chance you may become clinically depressed if you aren't already.

Please know that counseling is not a two appointment "all better now" fix. And you may find it strange for a while. However, it is a process and it takes time both in the doctor's office and out of it. You have a life very worth living and you deserve to feel happy. Your kids deserve to have a happy mother.

Maybe the time has come to get out of damage control mode and focus on you, as best as you can.

TheFeministParent · 18/11/2010 16:37

Well OP, I think that you have come out the other side of 'coping' and found that perhaps you don't really want your husband. I think a lot of people would be so shit scared of losing their spouse that they would go into autopilot and try and make everything the same as it was before the affair, only it's not is it? The man you thought you knew betrayed you, hugely. The man you thought you loved wasn't who you thought at all, perhaps without that security of trust you are gradually losing everything else.

Perhaps OP it's time to end things with your H on your terms.

Good luckxxx