if someone is so weak that they feel cultural pressure to change their name on marriage then presumably they're not that bothered about equality anyway

[UnlikelyAmazonian]

Positited on the |Lone parents thread.

Any thoughts?

That's OK, I didn't take it as a personal response

...and all of this rather goes to show why I really cannot face accepting DP's frequent kindly offers of marriage....

When DP and I get married I will make a decision whether to double-barrel my name with his or take his. As pp said I associate MrsDP with his mum im sure il make the right decision at the time

Sprogger - I think that your post has more than a grain of truth in it. I'm not sure about the exact sentiments of the OP but I do honestly think that lots of women aspire to be an adjunct of a man. Makes me and

I also have no problem with my children having a different name to me. Just as I'm not my husband's possession, they're not mine! If you know me, you know they're my kids, if you don't know me, why on earth would I be bothered about what you think?!

I wanted our family to have the same name. If I had objected strongly to DH's name then he would have taken on mine.

As it was, we were living in Germany and my maiden name is a complicated Scottish one which no German could spell or pronounce.

Now I have an Austrian name that no one can spell but at least they can almost pronounce it correctly.

As someone pointed out on AIBU the other day you don't say that a man has his father's name. When he's given a name it becomes his so the same goes for a woman, when a woman is given a name it becomes her name.

My name was given to me by my mother Hence it became my name, much the same as if she'd given me a necklace, for example, it would then become mine.

As to whether I'd change my name or not, it would depend on many factors including whether or not I liked the name. I have to admit to being a big procrastinator so if I did decide to change chances are it would take me a decade to get around to changing it

I added dh's name to mine in a double-barrell simply so I would be able to use his English name (rather than my own unpronounceable one) in daily life, but still use my old name professionally (as I had already published under that name). Yes, it was a part-change of identity, but then emigrating to a different country and starting to speak a different language in my daily life was a change of identity. Dcs have his name only, I don't really care.

I'm torn as I want to take my DPs surname, but there is only me and my brother to carry on our name so I'd maybe double barrel it, but il choose when the time comes.

people who claim that women who marry automatically become a 'possession' or want to be an 'adjunct to a man' or who change their name don't care about equality give feminism a bad name.

i am recently married (at 33) i did not know through my 20s if i wanted to get married but after being with DH for five years we both decided we wanted to be a family formally and legally. we had our own type of wedding with hardly any of the traditional elements but a big celebration nevertheless.

i am proud to be married to my DH, we are a family. we are each other's next of kin and if he ends up in a&e i'm glad i'll be phoned automatically first and not his ageing mum. i have not changed my name on official documents but if people call me Mrs DH then i am happy with that and don't feel it diminishes my identity in any way just like him being called 'fluffles's husband' doens't change his life. marriage is not against equality if it is an equal partnership.

I wish I hadn't changed my name. Undoubtedly I did it because I wanted to conform and everything about being Married with a capital M - the cultural pressure was coming from me. Hadn't thought it through AT ALL. My husband at the time would have been fine with me not changing, in fact, I think the fact that I wanted to was one of the early signals that we were completely different people. He was icked out by all sorts of icky things about me.

It's interesting that my female relatives of 5 - 10 years older than me were all pretty horrified that I changed it, much chuntering about the vacuousness of 'post-feminism' - all entirely correct. I think one of them wanted to ask me to give back the copy of Our Bodies Ourselves she'd given me when I was a teenager

fluffles, I've always ignored that sentiment, BUT when it comes to name, it can be really obvious that some people DO think that you become somehow no longer yourself. I wouldn't go so far as to say 'your husband's possession' but eg my MIL expected me to now be a [DH's surname] and to become this happily, with joy, that I had somehow left part of my family behind now I was married and transferred it to her family.

I protested that I didn't think a name made a relationship any different. She responded by telling me that she would call me Mrs [my surname-DH's surname] regardless of my wishes

We got over it. I found it really offensive, though. I don't understand how it can run so deep, and be so culturally all right to ignore a person's choice as to what they call themselves. (Well, past tense, because I said my bit and she backed down.)

I changed mine because my marriage is a hell of a lot happier than my childhood was. It was like a rebirth taking DH's name. I left behind the miserable Chicken X, with all the baggage that encompassed, and embraced the shiny new Chicken Y. That said, I am still Chicken X on my bank account/passport because I'm a lazy/tight fecker who hasn't got around to changing them. After eight years. Ahem.

Chickens, I was told by my bank that 'they would give me six months' grace to let me get round to changing my name'. I ranted.

When I married the first time,I kept my maiden name.My parents made an enormous fuss,saying I was no longer "entitled" to use it since I was now my husbands wife.They insisted on calling me Mrs 1st Husband.We hyphenated our surnames on dd's birth certificate.

When we divorced,I continued to use the hyphenated name.My parents expected me to return to my maiden name..

I married 2nd H and gladly took his name,just to get away from the whole thing with my parents.

When I divorced for the second time,I decided to use my middle name as my surname - had been g.g'mo,g,mo's and m's middle name.In fact,I changed my name by deed poll as soon as we separated.

Not surprisingly,my parents are offended by this.They refuse to use it and address mail to my first name only.

My middle/surname is Welsh,but my first name is not.Living in Wales,I am regularly addressed with my names the wrong way round,iyswim.But I am used to this now.

My 4 older dc all have different surnames to me.Baby dd has my middle/surname as her surname on her birth certificate.She has no contact with her father.

Other people - particularly when filling out forms,passports,at school etc - find this more of a problem than we do.

Nothing would induce me to change my name again.Eldest dd's have said they may choose themselves a surname when they leave home.

Farking hell, Unprune How generous of them

One of my biggest reasons for getting married is that I want the same name as DS - we travel a lot together and I always get questioned about the nature of my relationship to my baby. It annoys me. I can't see how changing your name could alter the dynamic of your relationship which is what matters. Your beloved either sees you as chattel or not, right?

I changed my name when I got married. But I hadn;t had the same name since I was born. When I was born I had my mum's family name. Then my mum married, my dad adopted me and I was given his name - which was then of course our name. I think, given that my mum and dad then had two other children, I'm glad the change happened. Because otherwise there would have been a half sister distinction that otherwise didn't exist in our family. I was though old enough to remember going by another name, and that I had a different life then. So I think my name, whatever it is, is very much caught up with my identity. But that it can, and does, vary as my identity varies.

I don't really have any strong opinions on what other women should or shouldn't do with their names.

Apart from Mrs Husband'sFirstName Surname. That is the work of the devil...

I couldnt imagine not wanting the same name as my husband personally. I love it.

Secondly my council tax bill comes Mrs and Mr (My first name) (his surname). I never asked it to come like that but I suppose they just do it like that nowadays to the one they have spoke to on the phone the most. That doesnt mean my husband is my possession, its just the way the council tax office write letters I suppose. I think some people read too much in to things.

I think this is a subject that generates far more heat than is really warranted. Some people like the tradition of name changing, some people like to double barrel, some people (often for proffesional reasons) do not name change.

DW wanted to name change and I dare anyone to tell her she is a doormat and belongs to me. I would have been happy for her to not have changed her name or would have double barreled with her if she wanted that. I would not have wanted to adopt her name as it would have gone against tradition. There are bigger fights to be had.