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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Its all about him in the bedroom!

38 replies

Scruffyhound · 16/11/2010 12:55

I'am divorced and had a really crap time with him for 2 yrs until it ended. I met my now partner and after being with someone for 15 yrs this person was sooo exciting dating and having fun was great as with most relationships we are still together have been for mearly 3 yrs we now live together with my DS (who is my ex's) and Im now 20 weeks pregnant with my partners baby. We are not having sex very much which is fine by me as Im very tired most of the time. But when we do have any fun its all about him and him enjoying his self. I get forgot I to be competely honest I have enjoyed my self twice in 3 yrs. Its a funny subject to bring up I have told him but I dont know what else to say it like yeh lets have fun then its oh I have had mine im off to sleep now. WTF!!! How would he like it if I did that to him? I get sexually frustrated. Its not fair? Its the least of my worries but its putting me off sex and any fun as I know whats going to happen. I dont want to have 2 failed relationships and two children with two different men!

OP posts:
LaurieScaryCake · 16/11/2010 12:58

Tell him you have to get off first. Otherwise no fanjo time.

I always get off first Wink

PaisleyLeaf · 16/11/2010 12:59

Do you think he does want to please you but is bad at it?
Or, really doesn't care?

emmyloulou · 16/11/2010 13:00

You have been with him 3 years, moved in and got pregnant 5 months ago when this was always the situation?

One question why? Should have dumped him ages ago.

phipps · 16/11/2010 13:02

My DH makes sure I go first too Grin.

You really need to think why you are living with this man and having his baby if you can't talk to him about this.

Orissiah · 16/11/2010 13:13

Ditto above, my DH always gets me off first; but at the same time I always make sure I also tell him what I feel like doing whilst we're having sex. Whilst you're in the act, can you not tell him exactly what YOU desire in that moment?

AnyFucker · 16/11/2010 13:26

Make sure you get yours first. refuse to "play" until you do.

If you don't tackle this selfishness, it will just get worse and make you more and more resentful.

If you have an OK relationship, sit him down and say you haven't been quite "getting there" recently (blame hormones if you must) and need more time for you

Any decent bloke would listen and realise he has been a bit shit

cindystill · 16/11/2010 13:34

Do many men want to make you go once they have gone?? Had experiece of me going first but not really the other way round. Or is it just me?Confused

harassedinherpants · 16/11/2010 13:35

My xh was like that = years and years of crap sex. When we finally divorced I had no confidence left at all.

Dh is wonderful! He makes sure I go first.

AF is spot on in my opinion. You should do exactly what she suggests!

Or get a rabbit......

Original poster
Scruffyhound · 16/11/2010 13:35

Yes good points! I know why am I with him? Well after a crap relationship about the last 3 yrs) of 15 yrs and yes I did get my enjoyment in that relationship but lots of other things were missing like him bieng there and not being helpful at all or being a partner or a dad to our DS. And sex was not so often. With my partner now he is very loving and does like me to get excited and then thats it he says im broke! I was on anti depressants for 1 1/2 of the years getting over divorce and other shit. I was told by a work mate that you cant have a oragasam whilst on them. She was right! But been off them for 1 1/2 years now so dont know what is going on?! I have tried to tell him hes rough sometimes and think he takes it as a insult instead of listening to me think he feels hes not good enough?! I try to tell him what to do but dont get it? Im going to talk to him about it once little un is in bed. Im just worried I have gone into a relationship where it will turn out like the last one. Fell a bit sad about it really. Sad

OP posts:
phipps · 16/11/2010 13:40

Bollocks to not being able to have an orgasm when on AD's Hmm.

cindystill - to answer you, should we have sex first and DH orgasms, then yes, he would sort me out afterwards.

Original poster
Scruffyhound · 16/11/2010 13:43

well thanks phipps thats supportive and (she is reading it!) Silly me thought maybe someone could explain stuff or be helpful guess not eh....

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/11/2010 13:44

Don't let him tell you what you should be feeling

He denies he is "too rough" ? That is not for him to deny. Some women hate being touched very firmly, it actually turns them right off.

I doubt that the antiD's would still be having an effect, but why don't you see your GP and ask his advice ? At least when he/she gives you the all-clear, you can tell DP he is talking shit when he blames them.

So his ego is a bit fragile when you try and talk to him ? Pathetic. You sound like a nice person, I trust you that you have tried to do it sensitively. What a pity his delusion that he is great in bed may actually be killing your sex life.

If he is a good man in other ways, I don't necessarily think he will go the way of the other one (ie. down the pan). I think you have to tackle it though, in the kindest way possible... but watch out for him not actually listening

The not listening will ruin your r'ship in the end, and he has to acknowledge this. If he won't...he is not the man you thought he was.

AnyFucker · 16/11/2010 13:46

scruffy, I think phipps is being helpful

she is refuting a couple of myths is all...possibly from personal experience which is all any of us can do to help you (not being actual sex therapists...Grin)

dittany · 16/11/2010 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

newnamethistime · 16/11/2010 13:51

another here on long term anti-ds (years and years), I have plenty of fun in the bedroom too Wink.

phipps · 16/11/2010 13:52

Thanks AF.

Hmm, yes was trying to be helpful.

cindystill · 16/11/2010 13:52

As AF says, as he is a good man and he wants you to be happy, this needs to be sorted out now; it will affect your relationship negatively otherwise ultimately and selfishness on his part will breed resentment in you and turn you off. If he has got any sense, he will listen.

AnneBowling · 16/11/2010 13:53

@ dittany

[Stephen fry] Because women don't like sex [/Stephen Fry]

Original poster
Scruffyhound · 16/11/2010 13:54

Sorry maybe I did not make that clear the AD I was on for 1 1/2 years I was told that whilst taking them it could be hard to have sex drive/orgasam (which I found was right). 1 1/2 years after I dont understand why I cant? So what I'm saying as been off them so there should be no problem. Sorry. When I mention it he is not sure what to say maybe its never been mentioned before?He has had previous long term partners not like hes never had a woman before. And he can do it as he has before maybe its me? Thats what im trying to find out on here? I think its a subject that is hard to talk about and its better on here as no one knows me. Smile

OP posts:
phipps · 16/11/2010 13:59

Do what? Make a woman orgasm with his penis? it is irrelevant. Every woman is different. If he has said that he clearly thinks you aren't right and isn't interested in experimenting together so you both have a fulfilled sex life.

PaisleyLeaf · 16/11/2010 14:00

Can you orgasm by yourself?

AnyFucker · 16/11/2010 14:08

Just because he has had long-term relationships in the past, doesn't mean he wasn't crap and selfish in bed during those too. Some women will literally put up with crap sex (foolishly) to hang onto the relationship. It would be interesting to know why they inevitably failed though...

I think he has you questioning yourself, which is fine up to a point. We all have a responsibility to a good sex life. But if you have ruled everything else out, and he is still denying your feelings and just doing the bits he can be arsed to do, you have a problem, and the problem is him

Original poster
Scruffyhound · 16/11/2010 14:11

Yes we need a better sex life. Its hard at the moment with being tired (low iron count with pregnancy getting sorted with doc tommorrow) so that is fine but thats just tiredness we have all suffered with that! Think with the AD it effects different people in different ways. But that does not explain the last 1 1/2 years. He has got me off twice so it can be done! Im just hurt that its all im done............ snore and it makes me angry that I might of fallen for a person who is going to be shit in a different way. I dont want to be a stupid idiot that has fallen for another looser who is selfish also.

OP posts:
Malificence · 16/11/2010 14:13
  1. Anti depressants can absolutely ruin sexual function and enjoyment, for women and men who take them.
  1. Great sex doesn't have to be about orgasms, for either party but that's irrelevant here.
  1. He does sound quite selfish - if he thinks you have a problem with getting to orgasm he should be helping you to find a solution, whether that's spending time stimulating you or "cheating" and using a vibrator , he just doesn't sound very interested in your sexual pleasure and the fact that he touches you in a way you don't like is quite worrying.
Original poster
Scruffyhound · 16/11/2010 14:24

I agree that its not all about and orgasms. That is why I was with him he gave me love and comfort that my ex did not give for years I missed someone hugging me and sitting next to me giving me a kiss and wanting to hold me I have that with my partner. When I say he is rough I dont mean he is horrible I mean its too rough for me. Dont worry and if that kind of stuff was going on I would not even be here writting this! I just mean heavy handed. When I mention it he seems to get all up tight and seems to be angry with his self and it stops things. Hes got upset about it once and we stopped everything all together. He is very very loving and I dont get this part of it? Everything is good accept this. Seems you cant have everything?! Will chat again tonight and see what he says.

OP posts:
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