Its all about him in the bedroom!

[Scruffyhound]

I'am divorced and had a really crap time with him for 2 yrs until it ended. I met my now partner and after being with someone for 15 yrs this person was sooo exciting dating and having fun was great as with most relationships we are still together have been for mearly 3 yrs we now live together with my DS (who is my ex's) and Im now 20 weeks pregnant with my partners baby. We are not having sex very much which is fine by me as Im very tired most of the time. But when we do have any fun its all about him and him enjoying his self. I get forgot I to be competely honest I have enjoyed my self twice in 3 yrs. Its a funny subject to bring up I have told him but I dont know what else to say it like yeh lets have fun then its oh I have had mine im off to sleep now. WTF!!! How would he like it if I did that to him? I get sexually frustrated. Its not fair? Its the least of my worries but its putting me off sex and any fun as I know whats going to happen. I dont want to have 2 failed relationships and two children with two different men!

good luck, love

I didn't think you meant he was intentionally rough, although some men do seem to think that women like it a bit heavy-handed (and given a bit of encouragement will think "the harder the better...")

if he is too heavy handed, he needs to know, so he can adjust the way he touches you

it really shouldn't be that big of a deal to him

if it were me, and someone told me I wasn't doing it the way someone liked it, if I loved them I would listen (within reason, of course)

sometimes dh can get a bit "carried away" but as soon as I mention it, he remembers what I have said and reins it in

and he would never ever try and tell me what I am feeling, or make it somehow my fault

Perhaps try positive reinforcement, if he responds negatively to you saying you don't like something.

So, for example, instead of saying 'I don't like that', say 'I would love it if you could .... , I love you' etc. etc. Then when he does make you feel good, tell him! This way he'll feel like a success and he'll also learn about what you like in a positive, fun atmosphere (rather than a set of instructions or something )

You could also get one of those games from Ann Summers or somewhere - you roll the dice and then try whatever 'activity' it lands on...could be really fun, you'll both have a laugh and you'll both be learning new things about each other.

It sounds like he is a very good partner in most other areas of your life, so perhaps this is just something he's a bit nervous about, or maybe he's dug himself into a bit of a rut of thinking "I can't please her, I'm rubbish"...

i have to point out that for me being a higher dose of ADs did make orgasm harder to achieve, not impossible but harder.

Thanks you guys mybe the AD's and the fact that I was so angry with my ex most of the time made me a bit uptight. When me and my partner first met it was great then we went out for a while and my ex was a prat. So think AD's and stress of ex and my dad being sectioned all at the same time put a dampner on things. I did not get round to speaking to him last night as I was too tired. I want to talk about it without being snappy as well. Thanks for all your good points I dont think tis the fact he does not care just think hes not sure anymore I could not ask for a nicer person otherwise hes evertything I want. I just get a bit frustrated as anyone would. Thanks again for all your advise will use it.

Its quite common for blokes to fall asleep straight after sex especially if they are already tired as the hormones produced during orgasm such as prolactin increase sleepiness. The moral is you go first!

Have you tried taking the focus away from penatrative sex and trying things like massages, kissing etc. That will give you a chance for both of you to find out what you enjoy without the drive towards "getting off".

Don't assume he knows much about what women want or how their bodies work. You have to tell him what you like. My DH understood better when I used a car analogy ( I know!) that he was a ferrari and I was more of ford fiesta so if we were both going to finish at around the same time he was going to have to go at my pace and take not go racing ahead without me and he quite liked being compared to a high performance vehicle.

Yep I see what you mean its not always sex to be fair. And we have not really had sex for a while just other stuff. I think me being 20 weeks pregnant makes him feel a bit weird my ex husband was the same saying stuff like wont I be poking baby in the face or something? Which is quite funny. I also dont feel sexy whilst pregnant Im ok so long as im not showing weird I know! I am now. I could use the car analogy it makes sense. Thanks

Chaz

I've done that analagy too - told DH that while he was an Eurofighter Typhoon, I was more of a hanglider ...

He can turn the engine on and very soon be doing speeds of Mach 2 with a dry thrust of 13,500 lbf.

Whereas I am a hanglider; not only do I have to have just the right hill to jump off in the first place, even when airborne I go slowly and can only stay airborne if I find the right thermal etc ... much more hit and miss.

But when I eventually do find my thernal then I can go very very high and quite fast, too!

Put in these terms, DH understood right away. He now understands that if he wants to utilise his full speedy capabilities he needs to be flying on his own, not with me.

I'm never sure why women put up with selfish and lazy lovers. Neither can I understand men who don't care about their partner's satisfaction.
Surely taking the time and effort to find out what your partner likes in the bedroom is part of a good relationship?

I would not say he is selfish in a lot of other ways trust me I know a selfish bastard I was with one for 15 yrs he was ok in the bedroom but was a tosser and did not give a shit about me or his DS. As for my partner yep he needs to step up to the mark in the bedroom. I totally understand but he is great elsewhere with me supportive and helpful and is great with my DS better than DS own dad. I find myself asking why and that is why Im being so open on here. The pregnancy was an accident I did not want another child for a few years the pill did not work for some reason I did feel a bit off around conception but did not think anything of it. Im now with this person I love him but dont worry if its that bad I will get out done it before and had more to loose that time. I just wanted advise on other people in the same sitution or some advise as to how to explain better I have said before that do you ever think about me? So long as you enjoy your self it does not matter. He was shocked when I said it and seemed hurt he does try sometimes but its just not quite right I say what about this and he just takes it wrong. We were both on AD at one stage were not now.

Lazy lovers, in general, get lazier.

Well you guys are lucky and must have partners that meet every need in a relationship? Im yet to find one. Maybe Im greedy?! Same as I said before the ex was ok in that dept but a total ass hole other wise and a while after sex or and sexual interaction came to a halt as I started to really dislike him for being so selfish. He was a prat and I can't go out with someone that put computer games/gym before me his wife at the time and his DS. So I suppose there are several ways of looking at it. Im not saying settle for less but it made me appreciate my partner as he is caring and loving. Im gonna talk to him about it tonight as see what he says. I dont want a row about it just want to see what he says im curious now after all thses posts.