What can I do - he is always so bloody grumpy?!

[springinstep]

I am genuinely wondering whether dh is depressed or (more likely) just becoming more of a miserable git as the years go by.

We have 2 lovely daughters, the youngest is 1, and I think all the ingredients for a happy life. He is (very, I think) well paid and admits doesn't have to work that hard at the moment (eg test drove a car the other lunch time, seems to be able to surf the net etc etc). Life is pretty good, I would say, apart from being tired and not getting much time to ourselves. We have no family help so weekends and evenings are not exactly relaxing. Well welcome to parenthood! Plus he is away the whole of this coming w/e with friends so he gets the odd break, not often tbh.

We are at the stage when any act of childcare that doesn't go 100% his way causes shouting, grumping and moaning about how impossible it all is and he "never gets any time to himself". I think the main issue is one of control - he likes to be in control of his life and having children has made this harder.

He is a very loving father but is increasingly miserable to be with. Last night for example - in my eyes he came home to a nice meal, happy children etc and then spent about 15 mins settling the baby. He interpreted this as "3 hours of getting her to sleep" and sat about looking furious and sullen for the rest of the evening before going to bed in a strop at 9.15.

Sorry it all prob seems rather petty but I just wish he could enjoy it more (or at least stop spoiling it for me - the black cloud is hard to avoid).

I don't think he is clinically depressed - he seems to be able to enjoy life when it goes completely his way and I know he will return at the weekend happy for a bit...but I despair at the thought of decades more of living with such self indulgent grumping.

Help please!!

Have you tried sitting down with him for a proper conversation about how he's feeling at the moment? Might help you decide whether he is a bit depressed or just a misery

sounds like my abusive H in the begining, I'm sorry to say. I thought I needed to do everything to help him feel better, but actually after a long time I realised nothing would ever be good enough.
He's in therapy now.
I wish I had some advice but I handled it all wrong myself (doing better now).

What was he like, originally? Is this out of character compared with the man you knew? What I mean is, is this likely to be temporary?

I had a year or so of Hell with my DH after his mum died, but I could see the root cause, so cut him some slack. He's now back on form and we're happier than before.

Some men just can't seem to (or don't want to) cope with the demands of young children. By that I mean, the tantrums, broken nights, illnesses and general slog that comes with having small dc's. They can't seem to see the overall picture and focus on the temporary negatives.

I don't know what to advise, as it's selfish aand short-sighted behaviour on his part, and I never cracked this issue with now XH. Be careful that you don't end up carrying all the weight and responsibility just to avoid his childish sulks though. It can be very wearing living with someone like this, and I feel for you.

Thank you all - it is good to hear I'm not alone (even if some of you never solved the problem).

He used to be reasonably cheery really - and always has been the sort of person who is incredibly bubbly and pleasant (to others) even now. But actually looking back whenever there was a stress he got a bit like this - it was just that ours lives rarely got any more stressful than deciding which film to see.

I would like to discuss it properly with him but he doesn't really do talking like that. His response is to say he is just tired and leave the room.

I could just ignore him except it poisons so many nice occasions. Last Christmas for example - we had our very much wanted second child, I had completely single handedly cooked a full xmas dinner which with a 10 wk old was no mean feat, bought everyone some nice stuff, dd and I were feeling festive...he sulked all afternoon because the baby woke and xmas lunch wasn't relaxing. In fact, he insisted in rocking her back to sleep for ages rather than sitting and jiggling her and eating with one hand - or passing her to me. Just being a martyr and it ruined the afternoon.

Can't face that again this year . Life is too short.

Will he take on board your dissatisfaction with these things if you talk to him, or will he just keep walking away. He must have the desire himself to want to sort this out with you, otherwise it just leads to resentment.

But in a way fruitshoot I would rather do more if the alternative is having him pitching in fully and being a misery. The martyr role doesn't come naturally to me and I would much prefer an equal partner but overall I just want to enjoy these years really. If that means taking on more myself because he can't hack it, maybe that is the only solution. The problem is I suspect when life slows down I would have lost respect for him...

springinstep - it is no solution. You will end up exhausted, miserable, stressed and resentful(been there).

It will be impossible to enjoy the nice times because he will get in a strop if something minor doesn't go to plan (inevitable with los - been there).

If you persist with trying to do everything yourself and keeping him off you back, you might see the light in several years - then you will be extremely angry, and distressed at living your life like this for so long (been there too).

can you get some help? friends? babysitter? tot ry adn get out soemtimes together - if you think tehre are good points to him and this is worth saving.

but ultimately nothing you can do will make him happy...only he can decide to enjoy the good bits of being a parent or not - and quit moaning about the bad bits.

"He is a very loving father but is increasingly miserable to be with" i dont think the two are compatible. if he is so lvoign and appreciative of ahving two healthy children -why does he go into a sulk when they behave like babies/children?

he is being selfish.

as the others said - reminds me of my ex...

taking on more roles yourself - i did that - it doesnt work long term.

do the opposite - he goes away this weeknd with friends - you go off next weekend with friends and leave him to it.

if he doesnt get the gumption to do it wihtout moaning, doesnt arange himself for help if he thinks he needs it - then you know you are dealing with a third child here adn you will ultmately chose if you want to conitnue a third, moaning, sulky child - or if there is a chance he can grow up and acceept the redponsibilities - and rewards - of family life.

I agree that I can't make him happy. What seems to work best is concentrating on my own happiness or just taking the children out and leaving him to it. He almost seems to wants me to get cross with him so it can be my fault. If I refuse to play this role he is more likely to snap out of it. But I can see us drifting further apart that way, with me avoiding him at weekends .

I think it is more complex that just being selfish. He seems to find parenting mega stressful and IMO has ludicrous expectations. So if we have a day out and the baby naps later and gets a bit overtired this is a disaster. She is a very cheery baby (people stop me in the street to comment on how smiley...) but if she cries at all he is exasperated and stressed. Or if dd1 doesn't do what he wants immediately she is "impossible to deal with". He says he is only trying to make things better - madness, as the result is inevitably worse.

Is this despression or having a personality unsuited to child rearing??!

Thank you to all for your advice - did no one manage to turn things around??!

I suspect it is a heavy dose of selfishness really.
Wait until you start having the 'nothing else works' arguments - when he shouts at them at the top of his voice etc. or suggests that slapping is the only thing that will work to get them to do what he wants...

Are you both too close to the problem?

What if someone else (friends, his mum) saw him acting like this? If an external party (instead of you) made a comment, would it sink in and would he take more notice?

meant to say - we have sort of turned things around after a year+ of therapy for both of us indvidually (still ongoing).

H has reasons to be depressed and I was depressed (on medication), but for so long he refused to do something about it. It was only when he really overstepped the mark that I realised how manipulated I was being (dreadful syntax , apologies), and how badly he was treating me and dc.

catastrophising - does he do this for other aspects of life? if he gets a parking ticket is it a major disaster? or is it only about the DC?

personality maybe - not depression - but ask him if he feels over stressed -if so he should go to GP, get referred for counselling...

if it is just about the DC - have him go on some parenting courses. to learn about positive parenting.

see if he is willing to tackle the problem, or if he even accepts it is a problem.

sit with him - tell him he is a parent now as are you - does he accept he is finding it hard? if so what is he willing to do about it? (read books, go to parenting classes, etc)

"finds parenting stressful" - ok - well if he wants to be a part of it he needs to address it. address his stress, develop strategies to deal with stress. CBT?

"has ludicrous expectations2 again - is this just about DC or manifests in other parts of his life too?

i think i have realised with my ex it wasnt about stress of DC, or the oldest DS having special needs, or anythig really -0 it was his persnality/inability to deal with anything in life - he always wanted to move elsewhere etc grass is grener, if only we ahd xxx or yy everything would be fine... and unwillingness to addres his issues...always someone/something else to blame...still is.

you are doing right thing in bringing it up and thinking about what to do about it - they small now - but as they get older different stresses will occur. (dc willg et older, will answer back, will make even ore mess etc) if he does not adress the whole set of issues now - well it wont improve will it?

how old is he?

cestlavie, my situation was spookily similar to yours

springinstep, you could do more at home to relieve him of the "pressure", and that's probably the path of least resistance for you right now. Long term though, this leads nowhere good, lots of us on here seem to have been there.

By the time I separated from my ex, I would estimate I was doing well over 95% childcare, housework and general household running. The disparity was ridiculous, and still I remember he moaned even when I asked him just to sign his name on a few Xmas cards I'd pre-written to his friends, colleagues and family! It got that petty, I deeply resented him by the end, and lost respect for him as a father.

Ironically, since we split he's transformed the way he is with the dc's

cestlavie - he is 40 and was miserable about celebrating it too! Some form of midlife crisis maybe?!

Thanks all. He came home with a bottle of wine last night and almost admitted he had been foul the night before - "just a bad day" apparently. It is more than that but I think/hope we will survive. I am going to ease off for a bit as suggested (no long term mollycoddling), try and talk and maybe suggest he addresses his obsession with control. He feels once we are over the baby stage it won't matter, but as others have pointed out child rearing is potentially stressful at every stage. He is going to be v frustrated by having teenage daughters I can tell.

Anyway, thanks again for all the good advice.

You do have to keep reminding him that the household does not revolve around him, and that he needs to be able to behave in a civil fashion most of the time. IE his moaning, sulking and tantrums are making you (and the DC) unhappy, so there is a problem and it needs to be fixed. If his 'solution' is that you do more chores and he gets more time to do his hobbies, then you know that you have a selfish man on your hands and can decide how much you are prepared to put up with. If he's prepared to make some effort, good, if he's not prepared to make any then it's no bad thing to consider, seriusly, how you would manage without him in the house. Because it is an awful way to live: sharing a house with a sulky, grumpy, demanding and selfish man indefinitely.

how are things OP?

this guy sounds very much like my h who i left on monday. It was such a slow burn i can't pinpoint when it all started going wrong and god it hurts like hell to think about it. But all i know is that i ended up having an extra child who was more demanding than the other 3 put together. And i was run ragged trying to keep the peace. The resentment i feel is huge

i feel like i have been left a shadow of my former self. I have nothing left of me only the part that is a mother. In my case there are other issues as well but i really hope i have the strength to stay away from him and make him see i am serious and realise he cannot behave like that anymore.. Apologies if not making sense. Am totally exhausted physically and mentally.

I haven't read all the answers but I would second the poster who said it sounded like a large dose of selfishness. I have been in a relationship with a grump and the grumps were my grounds for my happiness at the end of that relationship. Little babies/children are hard (but rewarding) and he should know that he has to be the adult now, not the must be pleased child. I think that you need to engineer a large kick up the arse or you will be stuck with the extra child. Those lovely family holidays/days out/family time don't just make themselves. It takes the adults behind the scenes to work out the feeding, watering, entertainment, sleep and loo stops. He needs to know this.

A good reason for being grumpy is fair enough. He may have worries that you don't know about. If he doesn't, you need to work out the exact rod for your own back that you are prepared to put up with.

Good luck. Constant grumping is draining ime. Why should you (I did) have to be the everlasting cheerleader and moodriser? Who is doing it for you?

reading your posts, is like having a video back into my life with my exh years ago,especially the xmas stuff, he was always grumpy by the afternoon and would not talk and pretend to sleep... you are far more emotionally aware and honnest than I was, I just kept trying harder....

I realised after years of emotional abuse, when the police told me 9 months after he left when i reported him finally to them after death threats, that my whole marriage had been emotionally abusive... i now suspect he has npd, he has been diagnosed after leaving with mental health issues, I suspect there was more than he was diagnosed with...

If I was you I would go and get counselling to work out what is best for you and your dc x

Where you said he insisted on rocking the baby to sleep on Xmas day - added in with the other stuff, I think this is about feeling out of control as others have said. Whether he's a mean old controller, who will inevitably get worse, or merely suffering from the chaos of parenthood, I don't know. Assuming the latter, it has to be worth discussing it with him in a bit more detail and with the purpose of resolving it.

Nobody is born with a parenting manual. An adult who's been able to shape his world to suit his needs until now can be excused for finding it problematic. The point being, as you know: it is impossible to make children fit into your requirements - they're learning how to become individuals, so your job is to ease that path safely & wisely for them. You have to be a bit flexible and compassionate. A parenting course might not be a bad idea - or, at the very least, one morning at a dad's workshop near you. If he's up for a little bit of behavioural adjustment (unlikely?), get him to sign up for a fixed-length CBT course.

And, as you've said, detach yourself from his grumps! They're his grumps, remember

Have just realised there are more posts - sorry for disappearing!

That is very sad doneit - I feel for you and can see why you feel exhausted. Good luck, I hope things gradually get easier.

Thanks to all for the good advice. And thank you to IfGrace for being so positive - I would like to resolve things and you are right, I think, that it is the 'chaos of parenthood' that gets to him. He would say I am grumpy too but I basically enjoy the unpredictability and the chaos whereas he seems to find it deeply difficult. Coupled with us not really getting on at the moment (vicious circle really) his default mode is just stroppy and spiteful.

I have persuaded him to take a day off on Monday and we will go for a walk/lunch and try and firstly be pleasant to each other and maybe even talk....

Try to persuade him to get to some CBT. He sounds perfectionist, magnifying the bad when it's a small part of the day etc.. All thinking traps that CBT could help him with.