Am I right to feel upset about this??

[frazzle26]

My bf of 6 weeks came over last night. We hadn't seen each other for 5 days due to his car being off the road (hit by a drink driver whilst parked!!). Having no transport and working 7am-7pm shifts meant he couldn't com over which i was fine with.

However, he got his courtesy car yesterday and came over at about 8.50pm and brought a change of clothes etc. We watched a film and had (what I thought) was a nice time. When it finished as about 11.10pm he just turned round and said "sorry babe but I think I'd better go home and do some study". (He's studying for a degree part time). He's also a real night owl due to working shifts and is often up half the night and sleeps during the day.

I told him I was unhappy with this but we didn't have a fight. There was no changing his mind though and he left. He said he might come over tonight or tomo but there are no firm plans as yet.

He hasn't even bothered to send me a nice little text to say he had a nice evening or to say goodnight when he knew i was upset. I didn't get to sleep until nearly 2am because I was really upset about this.

Am I right to be upset or am i over reacting??

If he's making you unhappy, dump him. You've only been together six weeks.

I think you're overreacting personally. If he had to study then he was being sensible. He'd spent the evening with you. You come across as a bit needy tbh.

I think he would have a right to be upset that you are not being very supportive of his studies, but as hairytriangle says, if that is not what you want from a relationship then move on.

the fact he brought extra clothes then changed his mind would make me wonder if he had changed his mind about me, full stop.

It has been known for blokes to just suddenly go cold like that and never be seen again...especially if there was the opportunity to stay the night with you.

I'm sorry to sound negative - it's possible he just needed to study but tbh it would be ringing 'end of' bells for me.

Don't get angry with him - just don't get in touch. And if he does, take it a bit easy and let him do the running.

Good luck - it hurts like hell, I know.

Also the 5 days thing

are there no buses?

I don't want to think it's all over after one incident. I'm definitely going to leave it up to him to get in contact to arrange to meet though. As for not coming over for 5 days, I wasn't too bothered about that really as we only see each other twice a week at the moment so technically he only "missed" one day lol!! We're still taking things slowly as both of our last relationships were both pretty horrible.

I think I would get in there first and dump him, it does sound as though he's gone a bit cold TBH. If he's making you upset in these early days of your relationship then I would just finish things.

What an awful attitude Frazled. Do you really expect that at the start of a relationship you can say to a man 'jump' and the only acceptable answer is 'how high?'. Surely at such an early stage you are both still learning about each other and finding out what the other person's priorities are? If they do not match, then move on. It might have been better if he had explained his change of plans, but I think it is rather far fetched to read it as him deliberately behaving badly.

I agree with Ennis that bringing the change of clothes but not staying is worrying, however once he had made his decision to go I would not have tried to persuade him otherwise. Whether you are over reacting or not, you are obviously upset and you have a right to those feelings. I would do as others say and wait for him to get in touch.

Thistle, Hairytriangle expressed a similar view to me. I didn't mention anything about saying "jump" and the man saying "how high". What I'm saying is if this man doesn't make the OP happy, whether it's right or wrong, she should finish things. With regards to priorities it sounds already as though they might already have a different idea of how they want things as the OP wants to see him twice a week and he has already missed one of their times to see each other, and I do think that six weeks is a reasonable amount of time to find out what each others' priorities are. Also it would ring warning bells with me with the fact that he brought his overnight gear with him but then decided not to stay the night. Isn't the start of a relationship the time when you're meant to not be able to get enough of each other?

OP, having read your further post, I think you're doing the right thing in letting him get in touch to make arrangements. Have you both sat down and had a chat about what you are both looking for in a relationship?

Eh?

Why are you upset? What am I missing?

i think you may be getting upset over nothing!
You are a fellow friend off the New Boyfriends thread too??
We are all having problems this week it seems! And most of them stem from paranoia?
My bloke was meant to come for whole wken, but only came for 3hrs sat night then went hime without staying over- then no word from him all of sunday until yesterday.So i am pissed off and wondering whether to dump too??
He text this morn to say i was being a "silly sausage"and that he likes me cos i am so "cool". Am still thinking of ending it as i know i will be fine being single again! I think!

Tbh i dont think you have much to worry about?

went home

Over reacting-he is studying-it comes first.

By God. The man is studying to get a degree - working and doing the course in the evenings, I presume - and you lot are all for dumping for that?

Men cannot win. If they sit on their arses and laze about all day they are "cocklodgers" and need throwing out.

If they work hard to better themselves and get a better job they are not being attentive enough and should be dumped.

I think that he sounds nice, and that he is obviously conscientious about doing his course work.

Give him a break, OP and wait a couple of weeks to see how things go.

Maybe at the end of the evening he realised he wasn't tired and it was a good opportunity to get a few hours study in. The change of heart could be completely innocent. I think if all else is well I would give him the benefit of the doubt.

Or don't you beleive he was going home to study? Is that the problem?

I think you are worried he was lying to you??

Change of clothes suggests he was planning on staying the night?

So he works a twelve-hour shift, drives to see you and then realises he has to get some work done for college. You might feel miffed, but I bet he's feeling exhausted!

Chill about it. He is in his Man Cave studying or whatever (or just needs space).

Don't jump too high if he rings, and make him book time with you two or three days ahead on the pretext that you are seeing other friends.

Be cheerful and pleasant when you are with him, and don't throw moods or mention this incident. Respect his Man Cave.

You'll have him eating out of your hand in no time, desperate to see you.

Sounds like the OP believes he was using study as an excuse. It's difficult to know what to do in such a situation, especially if he had seemed to be planning to stay over. You can't very well question him for wanting to get on in life, so if it is an excuse he picked a good one. Why change his mind at the last minute? It doesn't reflect well on the OP, as though he would rather do an all nighter with his books than her! Totally reasonable in theory, but surely not this early on when you are supposed to be quite keen on each other and at it like rabbits?

I would be peeved, and would back off quite a bit. Part of the problem is that his behaviour seems to be indicating he's not that bothered about you, so the temptation (if I was in that situation) would be to slam down the shutters to avoid getting hurt by a man who doesn't care. In a longer term relationship it might be helpful to talk it over: 'When you did this, I felt a bit this, and I would have been happier if you'd done x rather than y. Perhaps next time you could blah, rather than just blah." etc etc. But when you've been together for such a short time... I dunno, surely he should be a little bit more bothered? I can understand your pride being hurt, even if his reasons for going home were totally valid.

Apart from anything else, I'd be pissed off that he made plans and then changed then literally at the last moment; you were looking forward to spending time with him, and it would have been better of him to be clear from the outset if he needed to get other things done in preference to spending time with you.

Look, get over the desperation. There seem to be a lot of whiny Klingons on MN at the moment and it is Bad Bad Bad - for you - to behave like this.
The end result of turning yourself into a snivelling needy mess of vulnerability is that you deter nice men and make yourself very attractive to awful ones - cocklodgers, bullies, abusers, con artists. Predatory men can smell desperation and they rub their cocks in glee and dive straight in.
If you are gagging for commitment to this extent TBHyou shouldn't be dating till you have managed to get over yourself, build some boundaries, and feel fully able to cope with being single. Then you can date, when dating is simply a nice diversion, and you will only bother about continuing to date a man if he is good enough for you.

I also wondered if he took the clothes somewhere else iyswim - though this is obv worst case scenario!

He would have to be pretty sneaky to do that.

Hopefully he will call and want to see you again very soon, but if he doesn't, that's probably your cue to forget about him.