Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"i have children" tell them pre first date or on the first date?????

41 replies

WarriorQueen · 15/11/2010 13:46

Hi

I have met a nice man and I would like to go out for a drink with him (he has asked me out)

this will be my first date since i broke up with my husband around 6 months ago. I am not looking for anything heavy just some fun really, i want to dip a toe back into the dating world ifyswim.

anyway my question is:

at what point do I tell him i have 2 children??
I want to be fair to him (i am aware that this will put quite a lot of men off!) but at the same time it seems strange fro me to just blurt it out - part of me thinks that i should tell him on the first date but the other part thinks i should tell him beforehand to give him the chance to back out ???????

OP posts:
MabelMay · 15/11/2010 13:55

No, no. Don't tell him before you see him. Let it come out in conversation during your date - that way you'll be able to gauge his reaction a little better anyway.
But definitely leave it 'til then and don't make it seem like a big thing when you do tell him.

How old are your DCs, incidentally?

Original poster
WarriorQueen · 15/11/2010 13:57

they are 2 and 4.

it seems really odd, i know he needs to know i have kids but at the same time he won't meet them for ages yet anyway (that is assuming we like each other)

all very Confused

OP posts:
HotchpotchHoney · 15/11/2010 14:02

I would say before the date, that way if he does back out because of this at least you know then rather than meet him, maybe really like him and then be let down (if he does back out that is, he may well be fine with it and still want to go out for a drink)

Original poster
WarriorQueen · 15/11/2010 14:25

aaarrrghhh 50/50

double Confused

OP posts:
IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 15/11/2010 14:30

Methinks before WQ. Otherwise you could waste your time?

seeyoukay · 15/11/2010 14:33

I'd tell him.

Some people don't want kids or to get involved with people that have Children, it's only fair rather than amusing him on the first date.

MabelMay · 15/11/2010 14:33

oh, *hotchpotch" no! I hope somebody comes on here and votes with me now!

Seriously, WarriorQueen, why make it into an issue now, before you've even had the date? You're not giving him a chance to find out more about you, stuff that has nothing to do with whether or not you have kids. It's bound to come up in the conversation during your date. It's a much more natural way for it to come out anyway, face-to-face. It may end up backfiring if you tell him first - because it'll look like you're making it into too much of a "thing".

Is anyone else with me on this?

MabelMay · 15/11/2010 14:33

Okay. Just me then. Confused

Original poster
WarriorQueen · 15/11/2010 14:34

i feel as i should tell him !

OP posts:
Original poster
WarriorQueen · 15/11/2010 14:35

i know mabelmay i think that too, about it coming up in a conversation naturally

OP posts:
Original poster
WarriorQueen · 15/11/2010 14:36

as you can see i am very confsued Grin

but also very flattered Grin Grin

and i so want a night out but i don't want him to think i have led him on.

OP posts:
MabelMay · 15/11/2010 14:37

i stand by it. i think it'll be a better environment in which to bring it up anyway.

how old is this guy?

for all you know, he might have kids too, right?!

MabelMay · 15/11/2010 14:38

And, WQ, you won't have led him on if you tell him on the first date. It's your first date remember! Not your fifth, sixth, etc

Original poster
WarriorQueen · 15/11/2010 14:38

he is 33

OP posts:
thatsnotmyfruitshoot · 15/11/2010 14:39

I think I would have told him beforehand (I did, when it happened to me) but seeing as you haven't already, I'd leave it for the date. Enjoy - as long as you keep your expectations very low and see it as dating practice, you'll be fine!

thatsnotmyfruitshoot · 15/11/2010 14:41

And don't stress about this or you'll get yourself all nervous for the date. What's the absolute worst that can happen if you tell him and he's not keen on the idea? He makes an excuse and leaves after one drink..?Not worth fretting over. Smile

Ihopeyoudance · 15/11/2010 14:44

I'm with you MabelMay!
What we think we need/want from a partner in our mind is not necessarily what we end up with in reality, or what makes us happy. In theory he might not be interested in a woman with children, but you're not a theory, you're a real person. Why force someone to make that decision before a first date even? A date is just a date. It's an excuse to get dressed up and have a flirt and get to know someone.
If someone let me know of a 'potential dealbreaker' (in their eyes) such as having children, before we'd even been out once together, I'd run a mile! Not because of what they'd told me, just because they were taking the whole thing so seriously so early on. I'd think they were a bit of a mentalist tbh!

1Catherine1 · 15/11/2010 15:24

I'd leave it to your first date. Like you said you just want to get out there again so hey even if he is put off at least you've had an evening out to get back into the dating world. Does he know you're divorced? He might not be that surprised you have children.

ThatllDoPig · 15/11/2010 15:32

Where did you meet him? Surely you have had conversation as friends before he asked you out? I think that something as important as being a mum should be out there about you before the date.

If he backs off then at least you won't have invested time and emotional energy into something that can't go anywhere.

corlan · 15/11/2010 15:34

I'd bring it up casually on the first date.

It's just a date - you're not running away to Gretna Green!

You haven't led him on. Surely if he was going to be bothered it , he would have asked you whether you have children?

soverign21 · 15/11/2010 15:50

Hey WQ

How did you meet him?

Was it online dating? i put in my profile that im a single mum or is it through friends? in which case he may already know. it depends how you met really

If it's through friends then during your first date ask him if he has children
If it's internet dating and the information isnt on your profile i am assuming you will be chatting, getting to know each other ect before the date so again ask during one of these conversations if he has children, just say so do you have children too?

Set up the date first then drop it into coversation then if he cancels he's not worth your time anyway :)

Ihopeyoudance · 15/11/2010 16:00

Nobody else has mentioned this so I'll stick my nose back in! Grin
None of us are perfect and we all have parts of us that 'may put men off'! We don't assume though that we should set these out in writing, or whatever, before we go on a first date. It smacks of low self-esteem to do so, as if it's such a bad thing and you'd be grateful for someone to accept it. We should NEVER be apologetic for something that is fundamental to who we are. Being a mother is such a thing - it's not negotiable.
There are people who prey on such vulnerabilities so don't leave yourself open to that. We are, all of us, good enough to be adored, warts and all. (Not that I'm suggesting having children is like having warts....Blush.....you know what I'm getting at!)

MabelMay · 15/11/2010 17:51

i'm with ihopeyoucandance!

Original poster
WarriorQueen · 15/11/2010 18:14

hello

ihopeyoucandance - what lovely post thank you Smile

sov - i met him at the weekend i was out with some friends and he and i got chatting, to be honest i am quite shocked that he got in touch!

OP posts:
anothermum92 · 15/11/2010 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Swipe left for the next trending thread