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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

After 6 years he said he got married because papers only!!!

63 replies

Vbusymum · 15/11/2010 13:34

Hi all, I was thinking for couple of days if I should post it here or not..
Am just so troubled and distressed :(
I have to start with saying that am Christian and that's why it's more difficult for more to choose what to do.
My husband of 6 years told me the main reason why he got married is because of papers! and he doesn't love me any more! I was so shocked! our pastor from church was just around and heard it to..
After we were on our own(pastor gone and our children in bed dd4 and dd8months) we just argued, later we talked and he said that the way I behaved and am "perfect wife" he fall in love with me and he loves me that's why when ever he say that he lives in the end change his mind and stays.
It's so many thinks that happened between us.... I was all the time "good wife" and he the one going out sometimes and sometimes looked like he lives single man live.

At this stage we don't talk at all for past week. On saturday in the morning I usually take my dd4 for he classes, go shopping and husband stays with little baby at home. In the morning I asked him If he stays with baby, he said no as he got his own thinks to do.
So I went with both kids to classes, shopping, done some activities, came home for dinner time, put kids to bed, 8pm tottaly naked sat on sofa and watch tv. My husnad left house at 9am too, came back around 8.30pm, changed his clothes, took pram out of car, so he can put children car seats in car boot and to hide "child on board" sticker.
He came back at 3am. ( I forgot to add: every time when husband drives car he takes carseat and "hides" them in car boot, he might does some "black business" which I hate but he refused that isn;t because anothe woman, also in past week he took matrace from dd room and was sleeping in living room) When he came back, he took his duvets and slept next to me! what a surprise to me!!??
Sunday morning he left house and went to his new church as he said he cant face pastor from our church after what he said out of distress on front of him. And also he must see someone about his filming in new church.(another thin my husband is doing with filming, he is so excited, i do understand that's what he likes and wants to do, but he put it before his family and doesn't care, he said that money is more important than love in family....)
All sunday morning I was cooking dinner and doing hoovering, gave lunch to kids. took them to our church. Another suprise in the end of church my husband comes to church! pastor and poeple from church prayed for him. We sat in our car, my husband called his friend which was complaining taht is stuck somewhere faraway and need money and petrol. my husband started to directing me which way to take, but I said that I will not do taxi for him and I need to take kids home first or i stop him where he likes. (it was almost 6pm).
Husband started shouting at me that he will slap me..blabla, he got off the car, bunched door and left.
Me and kids went home had dinner, husband came in in next 1 hours with takeaway dinner, had his dinner, bath, and went to sleep in dd4 room.

Now am just asking my self, we don't talk, he hates me, he is nice with children, he plays with them 5 min a day! am on my own, no help from no one. Running business from home, taking care of girls. is this marriage worthy, is it worthy to pray for my husband after all???

I can't eat, sleep am so much distressed in past 1 month I lost more than 1 stone..

why way I want that he hugs me and apology and everything will be ok again, but another hand I want him go :(

OP posts:
Mummiehunnie · 15/11/2010 14:31

I take it you were resting knackered on sofa and not naked undressed on the sofa...

Your relationship does sound odd, you are there to take care of the home and children and your husband, it is like you are living seperate lives, and his behaviour, actions and words sound like he does not want to be married.

I would suggest praying further for your husband and speaking to your congrigation about the fact he is hiding he is a father and not treating you well, in many religions you are not expected to put up with mistreatment and in the bible it says infidelity is the end of a marriage in the eyes of god! you are allowed to seperate and still follow religion!

cindystill · 15/11/2010 14:40

He said he would slap you?Angry Not good.

GypsyMoth · 15/11/2010 15:21

dont think he wants to be married either to be honest

what is 'black business'??

Original poster
Vbusymum · 15/11/2010 15:35

mummiehunnie: ooops, yes I was resting! not naked!...thanks I will see how he behives when he gets back in..

Cindystill: yes he did, but I think he is scared cos he know what would happen to him..thanks to law

ILove TIFFANY: "black business"..ehm illegal :(
If I wouldn't be christian and still have some feeling, I would let him go

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 15/11/2010 16:28

illegal = you could be arrested as an acessory - is the car in your name too? is he using your house to store illegal goods?

get away from him, talk to your pastor.

"christian " surely means upholding the law?

he is using you. and anything illegal - well you might find you get arrested too.... unless you get out now and go to police and report.

please go talk to your pastor in confidence.

Mummiehunnie · 15/11/2010 16:29

Vbusymum, your religion seems to mean a lot to you, your religious leader heard your hubby, who seems to want to make it easy for you to end things, he is treating you bady so that you will end things as he sounds like he has not got the guts to do it himself, or he hopes that you will be daft enough to allow him to stay and have an unwritten rule that you accept bad behaviour. It sounds to me as if God has given you a way out by your hubby speaking the truth infront of the religious leader, take that chance now, you don't have to get a divorce, you can stay married, or he can divorce you!

what will happen to him regarding the law? What is the illegal business? Are you both from this country?

Original poster
Vbusymum · 15/11/2010 16:43

cestlavielife: about his stuff-illigal I know nothing, I only get few little thinks from his phone calles to his friends and isn't nothing big and anyway it never works as I pray that it wouldn't work and he is scared now that it will never work cos I pray for it lol he never gets nothing in the house. car is on his name only

I think pray work, he came home, spoke to me, he called me "my love" (gosh did I hear well from him???) he asked if he could get food from me, he played with children for past 1 hour, he changed wheels on pram!
Am i getting my husband back??

OP posts:
Original poster
Vbusymum · 15/11/2010 16:44

Mummiehunnie: he is from African(black) country and am British(white)

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 15/11/2010 16:50

Sorry, I dont believe that praying for your husband will help, he does not want this help.

I think you should get legal advice. Go to citizen advice bureau and tell them that your husband has admitted in front of witnesses that he only married you for papers. You have been deceived and cheated, and how to go about having your marriage annulled. I would also considering talking to the police.

To be honest, I once met a person who had hidden his child seats in the boot, he thought he was gonna have sex with me in the back seat of his car.....(yeah right.)

QuintessentialShadows · 15/11/2010 16:50

However, if your marriage is anulled rather than divorced, not sure you can claim maintenance from him? YOU need to ask.

TheFeministParent · 15/11/2010 16:56

Good gracious....don't let being Christian persecute you on top of marrying this user. I would annul the marriage and get him sent home.

TheFeministParent · 15/11/2010 16:57

You're really British?

Mummiehunnie · 15/11/2010 17:13

Praying for him can help op, so praying is a good idea, please don't put people down for their religious belief's, in this day and age it is her belief! she needs god more than ever if she is living with a man who is being driving around with deamon's/devil with his illegal dealings, and threats of violence.

God would not want you to be spending time with a man like that op, he would want you to spend time with good people, he would not want you to stay married to a cheater, it is god's law you don't have to stay in a marriage with a cheat, you don't have to get a divorce, you can just ask he be sent back to Africa, and keep yourself and the children safe! your religion should support you in this, I can't see a religion wanting someone to stay in a marriage with a man that is like you are describing your husband!

LittleMissHissyFit · 15/11/2010 17:44

Your writing style is very odd for someone who is apparently British. Or are you the husband scared to death with what your wife will do now?

I would advise the wife the following:

Go to the CAB and find out your options, what you can and can't do and then decide.

If he has married you for a reason, then tbh, you owe him nothing, he has scammed you, he doesn't deserve the security and safety your nationality has given him.

If he's engaged in illegal acts, tell him to stop immediately or he will have problems with the police as well as immigration.

GypsyMoth · 15/11/2010 20:07

You must have some idea of the illegal stuff he does or how else do you know it's illegal!?!?

Original poster
Vbusymum · 15/11/2010 20:27

I wrote this for a bit of advise or just get it out of me, but now I feel that am being judged or perhaps I feel like I done something very bad, gosh people!

Yes I do have some idea of what he think to do, but it doesn't mean that he does something "so big". Anyway most of times is only "big talk" with his friends, but nothing out of it.

And I do have 2 lovely children with him! he loves them and they do love him, I can't be selfish and report him to police. My children needs dad. And even he got married only for papers which he said out of distress, we have very good quality time. People sometimes say think they don't mean...

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 15/11/2010 20:31

if its illegal then its illegalfor a reason......you know what you have to do about that. he will get caught eventually. all crime has its casualties. you cant live like that surely!?

and he's no good dad treating you the way he does IN FRONT OF HIS KIDS!!!

what does this teach them about relationships??

TooBlessed · 15/11/2010 20:40

Vbusymum you posted this on the wrong thread,if you post something on MN people will only respond going with the info you put down,as a fellow christian i feel for you,i am not going to give you any advice because i am sure you will get better here,,keep praying for your husband,and for your marriage,but also do not allow him to abuse you,in any way because that is NOT Godly at all,God will not want you to be in such a marriage,,check our prayer request thread,you will get a lot from it,

if you feel judged here,there no one will,we just pray for each other,,God bless

tummysgottogo · 15/11/2010 20:40

Vbusymum no-one is judging you. No-one thinks you have done something very bad. You have asked for advice on what sounds like a very difficult situation, and people are just trying to work out the bits they don't understand.

Personally I think it sounds like you are not being respected at all and this is not a situation that you should put up with. The choices as I see them are:

a) pray for him and wait/hope that he will become a very different person (which is what I suspect you are doing already). In the meantime, you will lose some self respect, and he may never change.

b) Get legal advice and see what it would take to get yourself into a situation where you live without him in your life. Difficult but possibly very good outcome.

c) Stand up for yourself, try and explain yourself and see if he will see your point of view, and change his behaviour.

Personally I think you should go for B.

d) Pray for ahim

tummysgottogo · 15/11/2010 20:41

Sorry don't have a clue where d) came from. That was option a)......

TooBlessed · 15/11/2010 20:43

:o tummy

RealityBomb · 15/11/2010 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dando · 15/11/2010 20:47

Where are you from? Do you have family nearby - any support?

LittleMissHissyFit · 15/11/2010 22:12

No-one is judging you, but your style is very strange. That is why it's not sitting well with a few.

Based on what you have said here, YOU have done nothing wrong, nothing at all.

HE is the one that has done something wrong.

He lied to you in the beginning. and he is involved in illegal activity. Drugs perchance?

Does he want to stay married to you?

Where are your family, can they help support you in this?

droves · 15/11/2010 22:24

is english not your first language ?.
i find it hard to understand your op.