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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is kind of a WWYD? thread.

34 replies

solo · 14/11/2010 23:22

Ok, need some advice, ideas etc and fairly fast please.

Quick background.

Dd hasn't seen her father since July 09, he hadn't phoned and had made maybe 2 texts in January this year following an MSN 'chat' where I said he should be phoning as he said he would. He then went to work abroad to work and I assume was back in the country during the summer.

So...out of the blue two weeks ago I get a phonecall from him telling me that he's going to be working abroad for at least a year. It takes me to ask if he's going to see Dd before he goes and I've received a text saying that this Tuesday is best for him.
Having got to thinking about this, I'm starting to wonder if seeing her father for a couple of hours after not seeing/speaking to him for 16 months is going to upset her; I don't even know if she'll realise who he is as last time she saw a picture of him, she thought he was grandad.

I haven't yet replied to his text about Tuesday, but obviously I have to fairly soon. If I say no, I'm risking him stopping his maintenance payments (for the third time) and I really can't survive without it tbh and the CSA won't have a chance of catching up with him in Saudi, so now I feel a bit stuck. I was hoping he'd not have time to see her and just email me from over there.

Don't really know what I'm asking from you ladies and gents, but I'm in a terrible quandry. I haven't mentioned anything to Dd yet; I'm not sure she'll know what I'm saying as she's 3.10.
Any ideas please?

TIA.

OP posts:
sowhatis · 14/11/2010 23:25

go to a park and arrange to meet him there so he can see DD and dont make a big thing of 'daddy coming to see you....'.

Just what i would do.

x

Original poster
solo · 14/11/2010 23:37

Yeah, I did think of that too, but it's bloody freezing here at the moment.

OP posts:
1Catherine1 · 14/11/2010 23:40

The theory behind it is sound though. Meet up for a meal instead then. You can easily then assess how your DD will react if you then leave the two of them alone together.

Original poster
solo · 14/11/2010 23:52

No, I don't want to be in a meal setting with him. He'd have to pay and I couldn't bring myself to ask him for that and a meal is too intimate anyway IMO.

Also, I definitely wont be leaving them alone together on Tuesday if it happens.
Thanks for the reply though :)

OP posts:
WhyHavePets · 14/11/2010 23:58

How old is dd? Would a coffee at soft play work? That way dd can get away and play if she likes, the whole "daddy" time thing will be watered down so as not to make a big deal of it IYSWIM.

Original poster
solo · 15/11/2010 00:01

She's 3.10 and yes, that might be a good idea, though it'll probably then leave me having to talk to the arsehole and I really am not over him yet and it's now over 2 years since I caught him we split.

OP posts:
WhyHavePets · 15/11/2010 00:04

Well, I suspect you are not going to manage a situation where you can both be with them and also avboid contact with him Grin

Given the above I would push soft play, it is usually busy and loud which helps avoid conversation and, if you are feeling wobbly, you can always get up to help/toilet/feed dd at any moment!

eaglewings · 15/11/2010 00:05

Thinking ahead 15 years, she will wonder why she didn't see more of her dad.

So that you can tell her truthfully that he wasn't good at keeping in contact, but you never stopped them meeting, I would let them meet this week.

Maybe well of course, so ignore if it doesn't fit

Original poster
solo · 15/11/2010 00:12

Yes, I've just been looking at the local soft play and it sounds ok WHP :)

Sadly, he's a twister of the truth eaglewings, so I am expecting him to tell her that I stopped him from seeing her.

OP posts:
Original poster
solo · 15/11/2010 00:13

Though I should add that I've not put myself out to arrange for her to see him (didn't see why I should do the donkey work).

OP posts:
earwicga · 15/11/2010 00:15

Make sure you get a photo of the two of them together solo, for the future twisting.

earwicga · 15/11/2010 00:16

Good luck.

Original poster
solo · 15/11/2010 00:20

Hmmm...Wink

OP posts:
WhyHavePets · 15/11/2010 00:25

The photo is a good idea, infact get a few. Courts, SS and dc all love memory books, just a scrap book that has pics of mummy daddy, grandma, the pet dog, day out in the park yada yada. It shows how important you feel her family etc are. If you can do it easily ask for a photo of his mother or someone from his side as well.

I realise this sounds silly now but if a court fight ever did happen the fact that you have had this for most of your childs life (and kept it updated - so get a photo every visit) and allowed your child free access to it will make you look like perfect mummy number one and it will certainly do your dd no harm either. Finally it will mean that your dd grows up with the clear idea that you have not shut out her dad because he was always there in the scrap book - that you made with her Smile

Original poster
solo · 15/11/2010 00:33

Good idea WHP, though I'm more likely to use it to throw darts at right now.

How DO I get over this so called man?

OP posts:
WhyHavePets · 15/11/2010 00:39

Grin these situations are a sharp lesson in self control. Trust me it is perfectly possible to say "oh look there is you and daddy having a really lovely time" through gritted teeth, it just takes practice Wink

Gettin over is honestly more about realising that you are ok. From ok comes happy, bit by bit. IMO the best thing is to start by not allowing yourself to think romantically about him, no rose tinted glasses, no best memories... when he pops into your head push him out, every time! It does get easier - often when you see him pushing the same crap onto some other poor woman and you can finally see it from the outside and feel sorry for her!

earwicga · 15/11/2010 00:48

I didn't know it was important wrt courts WhyHavePets. Handy to know. I've done a photo album for my kids of their supposed 'father' because I thought they might like it.

BertieBotts · 15/11/2010 00:52

Can you get someone else she knows really well to go along on the meeting? You mentioned Grandad - was that his Dad? Or maybe another family member. Just someone who is less involved and can be unemotional about it but who DD feels really secure with.

Personally I won't be going on outings with DS and my ex, ever. Just not going to happen. Of course I'd make an exception for a big event in DS' life like if he gets married, etc, but while he's little I don't see the point in it. My Mum never came with us when me and my sister saw our Dad (and didn't have pictures etc up of him - in fact I never realised any still existed until she showed me the album she'd stashed them all away in when I was a teenager) and he was a bit crap at contact, but I didn't really notice at the time - my mum told me a few years ago that when he came back from going around the world for a year (which I was aware of) he didn't see us for 6 months Shock (which I wasn't, at all). I never once felt he was pushed out though.

Akkad · 15/11/2010 00:56

Nearly 4? 16 months? Bloody hell, I'm surprised she remembers him.

Soft play sounds good, not making too big of a deal of it - maybe text back 'we'll be at the soft play centre on soft play rd from 1-3, you can join us' or something of the like, putting the ball back in your court iykwim.

Taking a trusted family member/friend of yours that DD knows well would also be ideal, and extra support for you.

Original poster
solo · 15/11/2010 12:49

Thanks all.

Unfortunately, the only person that would've fit the bill would've been his Mum but she died last year in May. My own Dad (the Grandad I mentioned) died in August last year so there is no one. My Mum would be uncomfortable I think.

I'm half decided that soft play would involve her being out of sight for too much of the time. I think I'm just going to swallow hard and take her to his house as I can then just leave after two hours.

WHP, I really can't think anything good about him now except cooking together, but he is one of only two men that I have ever really, truly loved in my life for longer than 6 months. I do believe in 'what goes around, comes around' and I'm banking on it. I keep thinking 'he'll get his' etc...I'm hoping that what greets us tomorrow is a fat, wrinkled, bad toothed 53 year old! that'll sort me. Am very annoyed that he'll see me having put on 2 1/2 stones instead of the slimbo I was...(comfort eating!)

I bloody hate men! Angry

OP posts:
WhyHavePets · 15/11/2010 17:51

solo Sad break ups are so nasty.

earwicga, they are a fav of caffcass officers for all sorts of reasons!

Original poster
solo · 15/11/2010 23:00

That's a great tip :) thank you.

I'm dreading tomorrow afternoon. Practically shaking thinking about it...

OP posts:
Original poster
solo · 16/11/2010 09:42

I am not looking forward to this afternoon.
Said to Dd yesterday 'do you want to see your dad tomorrow?' "what, my dad?" she says and changes the subject Hmm

Oh God, Oh God!!! Argh!

OP posts:
eaglewings · 16/11/2010 11:40

Thinking of you :)

cretevick · 16/11/2010 11:53

Good luck for this afternoon... have't been in this situation but feel for you. At least you won't have to do it for at least another year if he's working away again.