Has anyone on here had an OPEN marriage that worked

[NorwegianWould]

That's it really.

I'd rather be cheese grated to death than have an open relationship with DP, the thought of him with other women is worse than mushrooms on toast, but each to their own.

Well have no experience but what are the circs leading up to your asking this/considering this? Speaking as someone whose 'D' P is completely disinterested in having a sexual relationship but is otherwise an ok person/good father, i wish i could have one!!

I know a couple who did this. They were very liberal, American expats who decided to experiment with an open marriage. They did a lot of reading about it and agreed on boundaries, limitations and what was acceptable and what was not. He was able to go out and shag about without any emotional attachment (not for his partners though - they all wanted more from him and were hurt by his brutal refusal to engage on an emotional level). The wife formed a deep emotional attachment to a man and wasn't able to abide by the rules of their agreement. The husband found texts, poems and letters. He was understandably 'hurt' within the context of their agreement.

In the end, (keep up!) the husband and his wife's partner's wife began to correspond and sympathise with each other. They formed such a bond over their respective spouse's behaviour that they then became a couple. And they're still together now, years later with two families destroyed.

Personally, I think a lot of men can have no-strings sex but women can't. I believe that women require an emotional bond that exists outside of the realms of an open marriage.

I would think you would have to be careful that you were not using other people in this scenario, as illustrated in vagabond's example

I would think it only worked within a certain social circle, where everyone was at it, and there were absolutely no misunderstandings whatsover

it wouldn't work for me, but I don't move in those circles

I need SGB for this really don't I?

in a word yes

but why do you ask ?

Because it may be the only way forward. And if he can't stick to monogamy and we still want to stay together then I may as well... well...

Or you could tell him to fuck off, NorwegianWould. It's your marriage too, why should it be you that does the compromising?

Hey, if you both agree and are ok with it, then go for it. You get to shag someone else for free and within the boundaries of your relationship. Go for it. But don't expect that it will be easy.

you mean he can't stick to momogamy and you want to hang onto this "prize" no matter what ?

who exactly gets the "open" definition here ? him alone ?

could you do it ?

I am the wrong person to comment here

you could always send him on his way to a single life, and find someone who gives you the respect you deserve

< considers leaving thread >

"we" still want to stick together ?

well, I guess "he" would, wouldn't he ?

do you ?

In my ex marriage, I would have loved an open relationship. I had a non-existant sex-life and would have loved sex with permission outside my marriage (after all, we were friends with kids and a crap sex life, why not?). With my new partner, I would never dream of ever wanting anyone else but him.

I know of couples who have had various types of "agreements". Some of these have worked for a period of time. What seems to have happened is that - 1. one or other met someone who they really liked and eventually left the primary relationship (which may well have been why they opened up the relationship in the first place). 2. Either one or both got rid of the "itch" and over time couldn't really be bothered with anyone else.

Sorry, probably not helpful. I think these type of arrangment tend to be bridging.

I would google it - under polyamory or something like that. I am sure that there are people who have made it work as well as a traditional marriage (which let's face it doesn't work that well a lot of the time).

Who was that aristo bloke who had all the "wifelets" - they seemed to put up with it, but then he was extremely rich.

I can tell you one thing - if my partner refused to ever have any physical contact of any sort with me - I would most definitely consider it my right to go elsewhere. And why should I necessarily have to go through the hassle and trauma (for me and the children) of a divorce and giving up a nice comfortable home. That would make me look like the bad guy. So I would have no qualms at all about getting my needs met outside the marriage.

I have a few friends whose long term partners no longer want to any kind of physical intimacy - I think they are completely mad not to get their needs met elsewhere.

Never enter an open relationship just because you don't want to loose a man. It may feel like it's a better option but it will make you miserable. I tried to go along with it in a previous relationship and lived to regret it.

bees, that is what I am getting at I think

for some people, on an absolutely equal footing, it can work if it is negotiated from the beginning

but to agree to it part the way along a relationship in a desperate attempt to hang on to a woman/man is madness, IMO

and desperate, and yes, fucked-up

not just to hang on to him - hell no. I do want to but this is something I have thought about for a while.

and he, and I, may be shocked at how many offers I get, and may take up

Please don't judge harshly, if I was doing this just to "keep him" then I agree, bad idea. Just a different option atm.

I hope to have an open marriage, and I know it will work. There is a reason why most online relationships formed at an adult sex site last longer and are more fulfilling than those formed on conventional dating sites. I forget the source of this research but its been looked into.

I do agree that it has to be a mutual agreement and one that is reached at the start of the relationships. A few of my males friends have expressed annoyance at meeting wonderful women who say they are happy with this set up, only to issue an ultimatum (it's either the lifestyle or me) a few months down the line. To date, none of the men in question have ever picked the woman.

SA

different to what ?

he moves on without you ?

or you move on without him ?

I agree, we need sgb

I am a monogamy fetishist, so am never gonna get it, except within the framework of coercion, tbh

< leaves you to it >

Personally speaking, No.

I know one (straight) open relationship that seems to work, but they're avant-garde New Yorkers with grown-up kids who spend their time participating in MoMA performance art exhibitions and prancing around nekkid at Burning Man, so an open relationship kind of makes sense.

All the other open relationships I've ever encountered were back in the days when I was a full-time lesbian, rather than the ex-lesbian I am now. Some of them seemed to work reasonably well, though the majority hung around on the lesbian equivalent of MN banging on about what exciting sex they were having and how jealousy is a lower form of human evolution. And then getting jealous of each other and having massive dramas.

My conclusion has been re open relationships that if you devote a lot of time to flouting convention, whether as an avant-garde New York arts ponce or else (perforce) by dint of a non-conventional sexuality, perhaps open relationships come easier and/or seem like a more sensible idea. But for most people it's a recipe for drama and misery.

Open relationships are just as likely to work -or to fail - as monogamous ones. I have known quite a few longstanding couples (20 years or more in some cases) whose relationships don't involve monogamy. Because we are constantly told that monogamy or serial monogamy is the ONe True Way, quite a few people make themselves unnecessarily unhappy due to listening too much to other people's opinions, whether that's by ending an otherwise good relationship with a person who refuses to be monogamous due to endless earache from others about how you must be a mug, or whether it's enduring years of boredom and frustration because you daren't even discuss the idea of opening the relationship in case your partner beats you up or runs screaming to tell everyone else what a wicked selfish pervert you are.
To make it work, all the participants involved have to have good intentions towards the others, and to be capable of being honest with themselves and of taking responsibility for their own feelings. It's likely to go horribly wrong if one person (who is inherently monogamous) is agreeing to it in a desperate attempt to keep a partner who is not monogamous. It also won't work if one person thinks 'open relationship' means 'I get to do exactly what I like and as long as I'm honest about it, my partner/s just have to put up with it.'
ANyone thinking about it should read the two definitive books on the subject, The Ethical SLut (Easton/Lizt) and Opening Up (Tristan Taormino).

Your posts about open relationships SGB are always so vague.

No real examples, no true stories, just the same old mantra about having sex with other people - so long as a partner agrees - is fine.
You never give a fair or critical explanation about how this works.

Its a bit boring really. sorry.

Well UA, it works in different ways for differnt people, for one thing. For some people, swinging is best, other people want to have primary/secondary/subsequent partners or 'real' polyamory (long-term committed relationship of more than two people who all live together). Or there's polyandry (one woman, several men) or polygamy (one man, several women - this is the most 'traditional' set up and also the most potentially exploitative and abusive as if often has dodgy religious overtones).
Of course, if you find my posts boring, you are at liberty not to read them, which you might find equally helpful.

sgb...do you agree that this kinda set-up should be something negotiated at the beginning of a relationship, so that both parties are perfectly clear ?

I think a bloke who literally just wants to shag around with his (terrified of being left) partner being almost forced to agree is a fuckwit who should be told to "fuck off" by all concerned

mind you, unless someone holds gun to your head, there is absolutely a choice

AF: Not necessarily, because a lot of people commit too early to relationships, especially those who commit when young, and people do change, partly by learning about stuff they hadn't previously considered. I think if someone finds out about open relationships and the idea appeals, then they should discuss it with their existing partners - and definitely discuss it with a partner before actually doing anything with anyone else. And if the other partner is totally opposed to the idea, then an individual can decide whether to stay in the relationship or move on.
And ending a relationship because one partner is a monogamist and the other is not, is no more a terrible thing to do in itself than ending a relationship when the initial agreement had been that you would/would not have children in the future and one partner has had a genuine change of heart on the subject and the other still feels the same as s/he did at the start of the relationship.