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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1st ever relationship.. not good... (long)

34 replies

dodgyinnit · 14/11/2010 02:30

I am currently working with a male colleague who has just met his first ever girlfriend and first sexual relationship. He is 20 and she is 18. The environment we are currently in is complicated but lets just say its a lot of people away from home and predominately male orientated.

He is absolutely over the moon at having lost his virginity and its all he had ever wanted 'better than he could have ever wished for' his words.. He thinks and absolutely believes that this relationship will be forever.

Now myself and the other colleagues who work beside him are far older and far more cynical worldy wise. We all beleive he will have his rite of passage and move on once his time here has come to and end, she will remain for some time after he leaves.

Now the worry we all have is that he is being played for an absolute fool, yes we all tease him about finally popping the cherry etc.. but we are essentially concerned that he will be unecessarily hurt.

Last night there was a party, i was not present but have been told all about it, it was a small party of 5 males and this 18 year old. A card game of strip was started and she wholeheartedly joined in. The result was her ending up in just her pants and the other males (including the boyfriend) in various states of undress.
In her undressed state she was egging the guys on and leaving no room for misinterpretation, inviting a possible group sex situation.

The party ended on that note thankfully as the other males quickly realised this had possibly went far enough. The boyfriend was way out of his depth and didnt quite know how to react. I have spoken to him today about it and he admitted that he just didnt know how he should be feeling, should he be upset or is it just part of her personality to be a bit outrageous/flamboyant?

I personally think she is to be avoided at all costs and that she will hurt him awfully. No matter how much she appears to be 'Miss Sweetness and Light.

There are 2 sides to this though, i have no loyalty to this girl but being a female myself i feel she is treading dangerously and the party situation could have had so many different outcomes, if that behaviour is normal to her then i find that worrying and if im honest in this environment completely terrifying.

The other side to it is we all feel she is making a fool out of my colleague who is blinded by her behaviour and completely accepting of everything because he wants to be the 'perfect' boyfriend, he is utterly clueless about women and readily admits this.

So do we as his colleagues try and speak to him to finish with her? Do we let it run and help him when it goes bad? Have a quiet word with her about appropriate behaviour? or none of the above and just keep our big beaks out?

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 14/11/2010 02:33

Why on earth would you take this upon yourself as any of your business?

dodgyinnit · 14/11/2010 02:40

Because at the moment we all practiacally live on top of each other and no matter how we try and ignore it, well it just doesn't seem right.

It's also what we are all struggling with, that's why i said should we just keep our noses out? But to do so would be very harsh if something bad were to happen to her and if he ended up hurt it would be experienced by all of us.

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BitOfFun · 14/11/2010 02:42

Trust me- you are over-invested in this.

dodgyinnit · 14/11/2010 02:46

I honestly do not believe that we are but that's your opinion.

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BitOfFun · 14/11/2010 02:48

Yes. Thanks. Good luck to him and all that.

TechLovingDad · 14/11/2010 03:11

You may be "on top of each other" but that doesn't mean this is any more your business, than your relationship is his.

He'll live and learn as we all, and I'm sure you, did.

dodgyinnit · 14/11/2010 03:26

I am genuinely surprised by the comments so far, should we not all pass on our lessons in life, making it easier for a fellow human, or should we all just standby and watch him fall to pieces..then look like a hero when you help him through his tough time.. Is that not 2 faced..?

More so that neither of you have mentioned the far more worrying behaviour of the girlfriend who is so young and putting herself in an unsafe situation...

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ReformedCharacter · 14/11/2010 03:33

Unless he's vulnerable in some way that you haven't mentioned then I'd keep totally out of it.

It's normal to be blinded by lust/adoration when you're inexperienced. Looking back to my teens I put up with totally unacceptable behaviour because I was trying to make the object of my desire into what I wanted them to be, and refused to believe that they didn't love and want me equally. The vast majority of us grow up and learn from it.

Why are you so concerned about this? Are you worried that he might harm himself or her?

SkylineDrifter · 14/11/2010 03:40

Do you really think he'll listen to you? I've four children, every one of them has had, at some point, what I considered not an ideal relationship. I just let them get on with it, and was there to pick up the pieces if necessary. Doing otherwise can tend to drive someone away. I think he'd be tremendously hurt by you if you suggested he give up this girl.

BitOfFun · 14/11/2010 03:49

I'm not worried about it because I think you have made the whole thing up, frankly. But just in case you haven't, I still think it's nothing to do with you.

dodgyinnit · 14/11/2010 03:53

RC I am not concerned he may hurt hinself or her, he has a great support network here if and when he needs it. He is asking for advice though and thats where we are at.

Yes SD he will listen thats why is a delicate situation but i believe that he will not give her up he just doesnt 'know' what to think or feel.

And we dont know what to make of her behaviour.

I think going by the reaction on here we should back off and let him go with the flow, its only because he is so young and naive, its certainly made us all in our own way feel somewhat protective about him.

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dodgyinnit · 14/11/2010 03:58

Why would you think i had made this up BOF? Just because it doesn't fall into your 'life experience possibilities' does not mean it is fabrication!!

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ReformedCharacter · 14/11/2010 04:28

I don't understand why you're more protective of him than her?

You've implied that her behaviour is dangerous due to the environment you're in. She's younger than him, away from her family and in a male dominated environment. You also say that he has a great support network and you're not worried for his personal safety.

This strip poker scenario has annoyed me a bit. Several men play strip poker with an 18 year old girl and her boyfriend. The boyfriend's behaviour is excused as he is obviously immature and inexperienced Hmm, the other men get to polish their halos because they recognised that it had gone too far, and the girl is made out to be some kind of slapper.

I don't see where all of this concern for the boy is coming from.

TechLovingDad · 14/11/2010 04:39

If she's putting herself in an "unsafe" situation, why aren't you worried about her? Or trying to help her?

You seem overly obsessed with this man's relationship.

I haven't asked about her behaviour because I don't care about either of them.

dodgyinnit · 14/11/2010 04:41

She is not away from her family, she is with her parents who are letting her loose on a very long reign. She doesn't work with us he does.

I have no loyalty to her other than in the female sisterhood way but i have absolutely no right to say anything to her as she is not meant to be anywhere near where the party was happening IYSWIM?

The concern for the boy is that she is sreets ahead of him and he is being made to look somewhat pathetic..

Believe me the other men are in no way polishing their halo's they know they messed up big time and are extremely lucky to get away with the situation.

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TechLovingDad · 14/11/2010 04:42

Young men having rings run round them by their first girlfriends is part of growing up and learning.

Just let him be.

ReformedCharacter · 14/11/2010 04:50

I don't mean to sound shitty when I say this, but maybe the boy is acting a bit pathetic. Hopefully he'll learn his lesson and wise up a bit.

If I were you, next time he asks for advice I'd tell him what I think. You can't really do more than that Smile

dodgyinnit · 14/11/2010 04:51

Not overly obsessed at all TLD, just looking out for a colleague.

Oh i am worried about her but she has not just lost her viginity and confused about everything around her, she knows exactly what she is doing, the best thing i can do for her is make sure she does not re-visit where we live.

To say you don't care about either of them, of course you don't how could you? Why make a point of saying that though?

Do we actually care about faceless people on a forum? That would be ridiculous!!

I am posting to get outside opinions. We as a group have lost our objectiveness because we are living within the situation.

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dodgyinnit · 14/11/2010 04:55

And i dont mean to sound shitty when i agree that the boy is pathetic, through and through. He is unfortunately very naive. Does it mean we should stand back and let him be horribly hurt though?

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TechLovingDad · 14/11/2010 04:55

And most of the opinions have been "you should back off", but you've chosen to ignore them.

He'll need to man up a fair bit if he's going to get on in life. This is the first step. If she messes him about, hopefully he'll learn from it. Like our children, he needs to be free to make his own mistakes.

If you do care about him, be there for him if he gets hurt but don't advise or cajole him too much. Let him make his own mistakes, as I'm sure you had to.

dodgyinnit · 14/11/2010 05:03

I haven't ignored them at all, it's crystal clear what the general consensus is, i have been replying to other questions about the situation.

Yes back off is what we will do, it doesn't make it easy though.

And i am sure i will feel a million times worse when it comes to letting my own son find his way.

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ReformedCharacter · 14/11/2010 05:09

I don't think there's anything more you can do doggy.

I understand that it must be quite sad to see him being taken the piss out of, if that's what's happening.

He sounds a bit like my DP who lost his virginity even later. He was utterly hopeless with women when I met him, but he's lovely and I appreciate and love him dearly. This lad is only 20 so he's got plenty of time, and he'll have to move on (physically) at some point so it should come to a natural end.

ReformedCharacter · 14/11/2010 05:13

Techlovingdad, I think you're being a bit mean here. Sorry.

Doggy is on here having a chat about a situation. She hasn't ignored anyone or their advice.

ReformedCharacter · 14/11/2010 05:17

Oops, just realised that you're dodgy, not doggy Grin

dodgyinnit · 14/11/2010 05:20

Thankyou RC for the nice posts and for saying TLD was mean, i thought so too!!

I am surprised at the responses and just goes to show what you think about a situation can always be helped with some outside perspective.

None of us believed that left alone would be the best option, however now on reflection, it will be best all round.

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