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Original poster

There has to be a limit with what you put up with if you've made a mistake?

48 replies

Goandplay · 13/11/2010 21:15

Brief outline:
We need to do IVF - my issue.
Gone to see consultant and I need to lose weight approximately 2.5 stones before we can start.
DP was very angry when we were told this and many arguments. It is completely my fault I know and I have made real effort to bring my weight down and have lost a stone.
Someone close to DP has fallen pregnant and he is devastated and he is telling me all sorts of things in arguments along the lines that this was my destiny not his...
I have had to deal with him discussing my weight with anyone who will listen, the looks on his families face when I come into a room because they're discussing what can be done etc.
I have had abnormal cells on my smear (when I told DP he was very angry with meHmm) which has also delayed things while I wait for a re-test in 6 months. DP has insisted that I see my GP to request medical help to lose weight and insist on a smear test earlier (I must stress this is not because he is concerned this is because it will delay us starting IVF)DP was asking to come along to the appointment so he could speak to my GP even though during a health scare at the beginning of the year he went to watch a Sunday football game rather than take me to A&E and when I called to say they were admitting me for brain scans he didn't want to come to the hospital.
He is very self righteous about the whole situation.
I feel like I am being pushed to my limits with him.
Now he asked me yesterday if IVF wasn't successful I should consider having a surrogate even though my issue has nothing to do with being pregnant it's just actually getting pregnant IYSWIM.
This is tearing us apart - it's as though he believes because my weight has delayed us starting then he has every right to treat me like this and I deserve to suffer. I am willing to put up with this but there has to be a limit?

OP posts:
hairytriangle · 13/11/2010 21:23

I'm so sorry to hear if thus. Has the place you are having ivf offered any counselling? Well done for losing a stone already. You shouldn't have to put up with this awful behaviour. Problems having dc does strange things to people.

GingerGlitterGoddess · 13/11/2010 21:25

I didn't want to leave you unanswered and this may not be a particularly helpful response, but why do you want to have a baby with this man? He sounds like he is treating you very badly. If he can't be kind to you now, what will he be like when you are both sleep deprived and dealing with the enormous changes a brand new baby brings?

Original poster
Goandplay · 13/11/2010 21:25

They haven't offered any - I am too scared for them to see us in this way in case that also has a negative impact on them giving us treatment.
Obviously the financial implications aren't helping either.

OP posts:
GingerGlitterGoddess · 13/11/2010 21:26

OTOH hairy has a more positive point of view :)

Original poster
Goandplay · 13/11/2010 21:27

GGG - I know! We have a DS already and I am seriously questioning staying together but the thought of breaking up our family is awful and I just can't do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goandplay · 13/11/2010 21:29

I feel like he thinks this is entirely my fault (which it is) and he can't 'fix' it. He keeps saying he wishes he could lose the weight for me. But now any time he does something that is questionable then he explains it as resentment because of my weight.

OP posts:
nameymcnamechange · 13/11/2010 21:31

This sounds horribly unpleasant.

It really is not a good relationship to bring a child into. You don't say how old you are, or if you have any other options, but I would urge you to reconsider having a child with this man. On paper he sounds ghastly.

phipps · 13/11/2010 21:31

Why are you still with this man?

1Catherine1 · 13/11/2010 21:34

Well you are a nicer woman than me because as far as I see it I wouldn't be willing to put up with it. I assume he is in optimum health since he's giving you a hard time. By that I mean: doesn't smoke, drink and is the perfect weight? Even if he is that still doesn't warrant this behaviour.

I'm really sorry you've had such a stressful time with your health and had some scares this year. I hope you are better now. I understand having to go through IVF is a very stressful experience which I wouldn't want to have to do myself. You DP should be there to support you and not give you a hard time. He's being quite the dick if I'm honest.

As for losing weight, it might be an idea to see your GP to rule out any health problems that might be stopping you losing weight. If you're given the all clear then you can go ahead and start a weight loss program like weight watchers or something similar. If he is overweight too though I'd be forcing him to do it too. Losing weight in itself though seems like something you may want to do for the good of your health regardless of what your husband says.

I think you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel. If he cares more about how it makes him feel then he's an arse and deserves telling such.

I wish you every luck with everything.

Littlefish · 13/11/2010 21:34

It's not your fault. You have a medical problem which is stopping you from conceiving.

My dh has major fertility issues which meant that we were told that IVF was the only way we would conceive.

Whilst I felt sad that we would never conceive naturally, I certainly didn't blame my dh. We both just felt sad about the situation.

I think your dh is being incredibly unfair and quite vile. I also think that you need to thinking really carefully before going through IVF for another baby, considering that you have been questionning whether you should stay tog

Original poster
Goandplay · 13/11/2010 21:35

Why am I with him?
I've never actually thought about the answer to this and at the moment I just don't know.

If he is feeling resentful because I have messed his life up doesn't that make sense for the way he has acted?

We have a DS and he is a good dad and we get on. But at the moment I can't even look him in the face :(

I'm 32yo.

OP posts:
JiggeryPoverty · 13/11/2010 21:36

He sounds horrible.

yes it could be what the conception issue is doing to him, but he's behaving like an absolute shite

Well done on losing a stone ! [gold star]

aurynne · 13/11/2010 21:39

Do you really want to bring another child into this relationship?

anotherbrickinthewall · 13/11/2010 21:39

from your thread title I assumed you had had an affair to be blaming yourself like this, rather than being over the optimum weight for IVF (which I suppose is arguably down to you) and having abnormal smear results (which is definitely not your fault in any shape or form). hope that your partner isn't always this unsupportive.

Original poster
Goandplay · 13/11/2010 21:40

He was very proud (not sure that's the right word but I can't think of another more suitable word) when I lost a stone.

I am as well and feel refocused now with losing weight. I have stayed the same weight for the last 2 months.

OP posts:
Littlefish · 13/11/2010 21:41

If he is feeling resentful that you have messed his life up, why on earth are you thinking about having another baby.

Littlefish · 13/11/2010 21:42

Would he be behaving this way if you could not have any more children for some reason? Is your relationship only about providing him with children?

Original poster
Goandplay · 13/11/2010 21:43

It feels as though I'd had an affair IYSWIM because he sees it as though I made a decision every time I've eaten... Which I suppose I have.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goandplay · 13/11/2010 21:44

I think that would be the end of our relationship because it would just tear us apart.

OP posts:
GingerGlitterGoddess · 13/11/2010 21:47

I can see what hairy means about the pressures of struggling to conceive, but for some reason he is choosing to try to bully you into losing weight, rather than cheering you on. And WTF is being angry at your abnormal smear all about? Concerned, worried, supportive - those would all be appropriate reactions.

Jux · 13/11/2010 21:50

So you are putting yourself through hell in order to have a baby with a man who

blames you when you are sick
prefers football to wasting time coming to you whenyou are admitted to hospital
discusses you behind yuour back wiwth all and sundry

Hmm he's a charmer isn't he?

How's he going to bewhen there are other problems? Blaming you for them?

Littlefish · 13/11/2010 22:03

How sad, and what a horrible pressure on you.

Please think really carefully about moving forward with IVF.

Get healthy, sort out your abnomal smear things, go to Relate, and then see whether it's right for you to have IVF.

DioneTheDiabolist · 13/11/2010 22:05

Goandplay the IVF process is hard for anyone undertaking it and can make good, normal, sane people act possessed. IVF counselling is aware of this and this is one of the things that they help people through.

There are a few issues in your post.

It is not your fault that you have difficulty conceiving.

You are overweight, this can be remedied as you know. Congratulations on losing a stone. It is hard and you have managed it (wish I could;)). However, your DH's behaviour is making this more difficult. While he has every right to talk about things he is finding difficult he has no right to castigate you and make both you and his family feel uncomfortable.
You cannot ask your GP to perform your smear sooner, the reason for the wait is not waiting lists, it is to see if there are any other changes over the next 6 months.

Explain this to him. There is nothing else for it, the IVF process will have to wait. Tell him how your feeling and try to use the next 6 months to get your relationship with eachother and your DC back on track.

How does he react when you do talk to him about his behaviour?

Original poster
Goandplay · 13/11/2010 22:06

I have been seriously considering leaving. My poor DS. Also think our DS will feel like he isn't enough?

Thank you everyone for your responses and being so kind.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goandplay · 13/11/2010 22:10

Dione - he honestly doesn't think he is doing anything that is wrong because he says it's the resent building up because of my weight and the fact that I have always been to a certain extent overweight over the past 10 years.

OP posts: