There has to be a limit with what you put up with if you've made a mistake?

[Goandplay]

Brief outline:
We need to do IVF - my issue.
Gone to see consultant and I need to lose weight approximately 2.5 stones before we can start.
DP was very angry when we were told this and many arguments. It is completely my fault I know and I have made real effort to bring my weight down and have lost a stone.
Someone close to DP has fallen pregnant and he is devastated and he is telling me all sorts of things in arguments along the lines that this was my destiny not his...
I have had to deal with him discussing my weight with anyone who will listen, the looks on his families face when I come into a room because they're discussing what can be done etc.
I have had abnormal cells on my smear (when I told DP he was very angry with me) which has also delayed things while I wait for a re-test in 6 months. DP has insisted that I see my GP to request medical help to lose weight and insist on a smear test earlier (I must stress this is not because he is concerned this is because it will delay us starting IVF)DP was asking to come along to the appointment so he could speak to my GP even though during a health scare at the beginning of the year he went to watch a Sunday football game rather than take me to A&E and when I called to say they were admitting me for brain scans he didn't want to come to the hospital.
He is very self righteous about the whole situation.
I feel like I am being pushed to my limits with him.
Now he asked me yesterday if IVF wasn't successful I should consider having a surrogate even though my issue has nothing to do with being pregnant it's just actually getting pregnant IYSWIM.
This is tearing us apart - it's as though he believes because my weight has delayed us starting then he has every right to treat me like this and I deserve to suffer. I am willing to put up with this but there has to be a limit?

Then he needs to go and have some counselling to deal with his own resentment, rather than taking it out on you.

I'm overweight. I always have been. I started losing weight when we thought we were going to have IVF. My dh was only ever encouraging and supportive. When I fell off the wagon, he didn't say anything at all.

Even if you have IVF, it may not be successful. Is he going to blame you for that too? How many cycles are you prepared to do? Will he continue to take his resentment out on you?

I'm sorry, but it just sounds like an awful situation to me, and one which can only get worse.

Overweight, shmoverweight! Your DH is destroying your relationship. If he doesn't take steps to rectify this, there will be no new baby, there will no marriage and his relationship with the child you have together will suffer. Perhaps he or both of you would consider counselling.

Littlefish and Dione - thank you. You have all made me feel much better about the situation. Going to bed now and will hopefully have a chat with him tomorrow.

Have a good night sleep. I didnt want your post to go unanswered. IVF must be the most horrific process and from all accounts it makes people do odd things, but I must admit your partner seems to be doing some truly awful things. I can understand he wants a baby, and is angry and is possibly questioning his own masculinity and rather then look at himself is projecting onto you but if your relationship is to survive this he really needs to be a lot kinder to you and potentially to himself. I wonder if he would consider councelling?

Sleep well goandplay - I hope your chat goes well tomorrow.

by unanswered I meant by me btw - the others have offered some brilliant advice - you really struck a chord and I so hope your chat progresses well!! Please let us know.

Goodnight and good luck tomorrow:).

I think IVF at any time is incredibly hard but going through it in your circumstances just seems madness. If your dh cannot support you in your weight loss (I assume you do want to lose weight) then how on earth do you expect him to support you in IVF.

I have friends who have been through unsuccessful IVF a number of times. It is punishing -emotionally and physically for a woman. Obviously it affects men emotionally but they are not injecting and being poked and prodded etc on a daily basis at times.

You have one ds and that is fab. I would think long and hard whether you want to try and add to your family with your dh behaving the way he does, keep your family as it is or leave and be happier in the end.

Personally I would struggle to stay with someone who preferred to watch football than come with you to hospital for an emergency brain scan and be with you when you were admitted.

Good grief.

If my DP wanted children with me and someone close to him became pregnant, he would be glad for them while obviously wishing things were that way for him, but he would accept that it's just the way things were at that moment.

He wouldn't dream of saying that this was my destiny, not his, as that would be downright spiteful. Even if he couldn't help feeling strongly that way, he would rather leave to try with someone else than use it to hurt me, because I am his friend as well as his partner.

Despite being a self-confessed keep fit freak himself, there is no way he would discuss what can be done about my weight with his side of the family and even if they felt that they had something to do with it, he would take my side over theirs.

If I had abnormal cells, he would be worried about my health first and foremost, not angry about having to put IVF aside. If I did not want him at a health appointment, he would respect that, but if I was being admitted for brain scans, you bet your ass he'd be in his car in the way there before you could say "MRI"!

What I'm trying to say is that I'm not just writing all this to rub it in about how "lucky" I am, because luck had nothing to do with it - this is the bog standard anyone should expect from their partner.

I know I haven't gone through even the prospect of IVF but I really do think this needs to be put on the back burner while you both focus on the relationship. If he, however, doesn't want to budge, then please don't think he is your last chance. You sound very lovely, brave and determined and I am sure that you would be able to find much nicer and more supportive to go through this with you.

Goandplay - I am another one who can't see why you are even contemplating going through the trauma of IVF with him.

He is treating you terribly :(

You are still young enough to meet someone else and have a baby - it's what I'd be doing in your position.

He is a complete arse.

he sounds like a twat

Agreeing with everyone here - why would you want to have a child with this man? Everything you've said about him makes him sound absolutely vile.

At 32 you are still young enough to meet someone else and have a child with him. You might think that's gambling, but the odds are far higher than making this man you have here into one anyone would want to live with.

It sounds as though the only value he places on you is that of brood mare.
The man doesn't deserve another child, no one should have to put up with such horrendous treatment from a person who is supposed to love them.

I wonder if he is setting you up actually.

He's making the whole issue into 'your selfish fault' while leaving himself as the blameless victim who deserves sympathy. It's a script that gives him the option of the final scene being him as the hero who leaves saying 'I did the best I could!'

I would be carefully planning if I were you. Are your finances linked to his? Do you know what money he has? What he earns? Are your family near you and supportive?

You deserve so much more happiness than this.

I live in his house but have a job and no joint finances. (I don't have any savings though).

I don't know what to say to him today :( I feel like nothing I say will make any sense to him anyway.

I'm going to wait until DS is in bed tonight.

IMO the best example of how difficult some of us find managing our weight is Oprah Winfrey. She's hugely intelligent, determined, focused and successful - and she works in the media so her image is important. She has every reason in the world to get and stay slim, and huge resources. But she can't do it.

There are things you can do about your weight, although I would start with the GP if you've already lost a stone but then hit a plateau. The weight isn't the worst example of him being angry with you for things that aren't your fault. But to be uncaring when you have a brain scan, and to be blaming when you have abnormal smear results, is awful - so cruel.

What if you manage to have a baby and it's colicky, cries too much, or you have trouble BF? Will that be your fault too, something to discuss at length with your family behind your back? What if the baby has SN? It sounds as though he hasn't the first clue about how to be a supportive partner.

Only you know if this is something he used to get right, but then the stress of considering IVF has changed him, or if he was always like this.

Good luck. x

"I live in his house" - surely it's a shared house if you have child with him and are planning another? Are your names on the deeds and the mortgage?

Goandplay - the more I hear about your relationship, the more it worries me.

The other thing that worries me is that nowhere in this thread have you talked about whether you really want to have a baby. It's all about the fact that he does.

Oh he sounds as though he is treating you very poorly

You have done so well to lose a stone, you'll have to share your secret as I'm getting nowhere :) Honestly though, he is being awful - it is not your fault!! If you didn't have any children perhaps I could understand that this is a factor, but you have a DS...so it's not as though he is childless? It sounds very, very old fashoned too, the whole concept of placing blame on a woman who can't conceive.

I think he is just a bully. You need to consider if you would want your little boy to grow up to treat women this way.

This is an abusive relationship.

You have been reduced to a walking womb.

Your health only matters in as much as it contributes to, or delays, bearing children.

You must leave this man.

Awful. He's treating you like a defective brood mare. One of the reasons I left my ex was because everything was Always My Fault (seriously, every time the baby cried it was my fault for starving her). It's a miserable way to live. Get rid of him. That'll be an immediate weight off.

Jesus, he is a total knobhead. If he loved you there is no way he would treat you like that. Walk away now. I am fat (size 18) and my DH has never ever said anything mean or dismissive to me. It's called love and respect. Something your DH seems to have forgotten about. I would like to abuse him on your behalf. You sound so apologetic just for being yourself - you have nothing to apologise for - the problem is HIM not you!

I simply would not even consider having a child with this man.

It's not a weight issue. It's a respect issue. His lack of respect for you.

I know infertility issues can cause problems in a relationship (I've been there for many long years).

The one thing that kept us going was "mutual respect" and love.

A child should be a product of love, respect and understanding.

He(and his relatives) treat you like shit; why do you think that the product of conception (your child) would be treated any differently ?