32 weeks pg and baby's dad is a twat

[PaigeTurner]

Looking for some advice please on whether I should continue to try and get my baby's dad interested in his soon-to-be DC.

We have never been in a relationship but have a history going back 10 years. In the beginning (when I wanted a relationship with him) he was AWFUL to me - I thought I was going mad at one point with his mind-fuckery.

More recently I had been calling the shots as I wasn't interested in a relationship with him and a night out with him was quite low on my list of 'things to do'. I suppose we were FWB without much of the F bit. Or B, come to think of it.

Anyway, after a contraceptive accident I conceived - he was against me having the baby at first but shortly after I told him I was going ahead, he called me to say he'd decided to "do the right thing" by both me and the baby.

It seemed though, that one of the conditions of this was that I didn't reveal his identity. He said the scariest part of the whole thing was the thought of me writing something about his impending fatherhood on his Facebook wall. So I just told my close RL friends and thought he might come round to the idea later.

Over subsequent conversations he said he would contribute financially as well as wanting to be fully involved in our DC's upbringing, even seemed enthusiastic about becoming a dad.

But the sad fact is he has contributed NOTHING so far. Not even practical support in the house, and no emotional support (I have been diagnosed with AND and had a difficult pregnancy).

He has been getting back up to his tricks from the old days ie standing me up a lot and saying one thing and doing another. When I told him, three weeks ago to leave me alone for the rest of the pregnancy as he was upsetting me by being so flakey, he protested for another chance. ???

Also, although he says he's told his mum, I have not heard anything from her at all in the last 8 months - when I ask him if she is interested in the baby he says "yes, but she's got a lot on". Now I'm thinking he's probably not even told his mum?!

Is he just "saying the right thing" to hush up what's happened?

And should I give him the chance to keep it quiet until he realises there's an actual baby at the end of this pregnancy?

On the other hand, why am I protecting his interests?

I have tried to tell him he needs to step up to the plate or bugger off but it doesn't seem to have any affect on him saying one thing and doing another. What should I do?

Sorry to hear about your troubles. But you've made a choice to have a baby with a man who you think is a twat. He has rights and responsibilities but they are not mutually exclusive. You have to find a way to deal with this.

Does he want to see the baby or not?

I would write him off, to be honest- he sounds like a real cockmuncher.

Just make sure you contact the CSA and get him to contribute financially.

He has said he wants to be fully involved with the pregnancy and the baby when he arrives - but so far he has just let me down time and again, which is why I'm wondering whether I should shut him down now, before he does any real damage.

As for deciding to have a baby with a man I think is a twat - I couldn't go through with a termination on the basis that his dad is a knobber.

I don't think shutting him down is an option ... Every child has the right to know their father even if they are a twat.

I found myself in a very similar situation a few years ago and it wasnt until i told him to f off that he started to become interested at all. I ignored him for weeks and weeks to preserve my own sanity but as my due date got nearer i contacted him in the hopes of building a parenting relationship. It was hard as i still had feelings for him, but when he carried on letting me and our ds down after the birth, something just clicked, my feelings towards him changed and i really was just wanting a co-parent relationship.....that was when he decided he really did want us

We have had our ups and downs, and due to our dodgy start there have been some trust issues, but 3 years on, my 'badboy' is now a pretty good dad, step dad and partner we even went on to have another baby and will be getting married in 2012

He didnt tell his family until ds was 6 MONTHS OLD! Many a time i thought of contacting them, but i didnt and things have worked out for the best for us. His family love ds and dd and treat my 2 ds the same as all of the grandkids. I had never met his family before though...Do you know his family?

I lent very heavily on my friends while he was being crap less than supportive and would probably have gone bonkers without them, please lean on your rl friends too and make sure you take care of yourself after your baby arrives, looking back now i was really quite depressed but just didnt really notice at the time.....

I wasnt suggesting that a termination would have been an option. Clearly it wasn't. But you did continue this sexual relationship knowing hebwas a twat, and your contraception failed and you did decide to keep the baby.

I'm not being mean... I just think that you are somehow going to have to work through this as you now have a bind with him through your child.

Not suggesting that's easy.

He is awful, a liar, unreliable, self indulgent, manilulative ...

Why are you putting his needs ahead of your own?

Why does he get to lay down 'conditions' about whether he will financially contribute towards his own child? Its a bit "be a good girl and I'll give you a few quid and pat you on the head".

By all means facilitate a relationship between him and the child and accept appropriate maintenence payments but you don't have to be dancing to his tune as if he has priority over your life.

If he says one thing and does another then don't believe what he says and don't depend on his word.

I'm not suggesting its easy though.

What good advice bobble. Put far more eloquently than I could.

I'd suggest reducing/cutting contact until your baby arrives and then reasses the situation depending on how things are then. I do agree you cant let him mess you around and if he wont contribute at least financially, then you must seek maintenance through the csa.

Thanks everyone.

It's so difficult (what with being madly hormonal and depressed) to be able to look at this situation rationally.

I figured I could just ignore him until the baby arrives but I have so little support from friends and family I think it's bloody unfair that he does NOTHING. He works in the City, for example, while I lost my business in September and have been really struggling to buy all baby stuff myself.

I did give him several opt outs in the early months - I would prefer him to either not be present or properly engage with the situation - this fannying around is not doing me (or the baby) any good. :(

If you think he's serious about contact with the baby, then get a written agreement through a solicitor.

Get the financial aspect nailed down and legal too.

In general, get a solicitor to do your talking. Otherwise this twat will use the baby to mess with your mind until the baby is 18.

I realise this person is a twat, from what's been said, however, I'm quite shocked about the idea of 'ending his parental rights' and sorting out financials but not allowing access

I'd assume he won't be supportive and anything else is a bonus! I'd also be ASKING him for financial assistance NOW, not waiting for the offer. have you had the Health Grant thing and everything you are entitled to? Good luck, I was in a similar situation with my eldest, hardest part was worrying about it....the situation was never as bad as I imagined!

Boho, I have asked him directly for financial assistance - I asked him to contribute to the cost of the pram. He was made redundant at the beginning of the summer and only started work again in September. He told me he would "take me shopping" when he got his first paycheck - that was at the end of October, he has not mentioned money or shopping since.

The thing is, he likes to send texts asking how me and the bump are getting along, and says in them "I'm happy to help however I can" but then when I say, OK, please can you come round and help me prop the bed up with books to help stop me getting such bad heartburn at night he says yes, I'll be round this week - and I don't hear from him for ten days.

Rinse and repeat.

I wouldn't stop him seeing his DC but I don't think he's going to be a particularly responsible parent. I forsee supervised visits for years to come, sadly.

I will look into finding a solicitor, although it makes me feel sad that I'd have to go that route after knowing each other for ten years.

The thing you need to get your head round, I think, is that you are not in a relationship with this man, and never will be.

He may be the father of your unborn child, and have responsibilities as a father, but that is up to him. Please do not see this man as any sort of partner to yourself.

You do sound as though you are not at all in charge, you need to take control a bit more. Sounds like you are just waiting while he calls all the shots. If you want his help, give him a day and time, or ask him to give you one. If he still doesn't help then stop relying on him.

I think you definately need to stop seeing him as someone who can come and help around the house practically.

He's proven himself unreliable, you are not in a relationship with him. I actually think you sound like you could benefit from some single relationship counselling (just you) because you do sound like he's pulling your strings a bit and you are holding out for a relationship?

Do you have anyone else that could help?

Yes Over, you are so right.

I'm having some difficulty separating my expectations from his capabilities, that's for certain.

Although I know I definitely don't want a romantic relationship with this man I think I am confusing being connected to him on some level through the pregnancy with something else.

I think if I wasn't pg I'd be fuming, not crying, (and more than capable of running the show myself without anyone's help).

If I can just get through the next two months I'm sure hardly any of his shit behaviour will have such an effect on me (and my hormones).

Thanks for all your replies, it's really helped to get things down and see some other options and opinions.

Expect nothing and you won't be disappointed. Withdraw now.

Sorry HairyTriangle, x posted. I am on a waiting list for counselling, I hope that will help.

Unfortunately, I've got no family nearby, and friends have fallen by the wayside since I had to stop partying. Sorry for the self-pity!

Gosh don't say sorry for the self pity - it's hard work being pregnant! Hormones aside, it's a time of uncertainty and as you feel so alone it's no wonder you feel on edge and want a bit of security.

YYY, his responsibilities as a father are up to him, and yes again, he is not in any way your partner, and he has proved himself to be an utter twat, after ten years. This is a horrible time for you to be learning this about him, but sometimes it all comes out in the wash, so to speak.

If you need money help here, go through a solicitor. He will understand this and either cough up or bow out. Right now he is taking the piss because he can. I would be seriously inclined to record every request you make from now on that you make for help, all his verbal responses and then the lack of any concrete results. This will be useful if he tries to make some sort of pay to play arrangement with the baby. It will be very obvious to any solicitor and any judge for that matter that he is playing games here, if you have a record.

The kind of mindgames he is playing will drive you nuts. Better to draw a line under this and forge ahead on your own with the baby. Cut your emotional ties. The ten years you've been more or less together have not meant to him what they mean to you. Don't be sentimental. Look out for yourself and for your baby. He is not thinking of anyone but himself, nor will he.

Ew "pay to play" what a horrible, horrible phrase. :(

He has a right to contact with his child when the child is born. He also has responsibilities, but they are not one conditional on the other.

Agree with seeing a solicitor though.

Math, yes, good idea about keeping a record of future conversations, I will definitely start doing that.