32 weeks pg and baby's dad is a twat

[PaigeTurner]

Looking for some advice please on whether I should continue to try and get my baby's dad interested in his soon-to-be DC.

We have never been in a relationship but have a history going back 10 years. In the beginning (when I wanted a relationship with him) he was AWFUL to me - I thought I was going mad at one point with his mind-fuckery.

More recently I had been calling the shots as I wasn't interested in a relationship with him and a night out with him was quite low on my list of 'things to do'. I suppose we were FWB without much of the F bit. Or B, come to think of it.

Anyway, after a contraceptive accident I conceived - he was against me having the baby at first but shortly after I told him I was going ahead, he called me to say he'd decided to "do the right thing" by both me and the baby.

It seemed though, that one of the conditions of this was that I didn't reveal his identity. He said the scariest part of the whole thing was the thought of me writing something about his impending fatherhood on his Facebook wall. So I just told my close RL friends and thought he might come round to the idea later.

Over subsequent conversations he said he would contribute financially as well as wanting to be fully involved in our DC's upbringing, even seemed enthusiastic about becoming a dad.

But the sad fact is he has contributed NOTHING so far. Not even practical support in the house, and no emotional support (I have been diagnosed with AND and had a difficult pregnancy).

He has been getting back up to his tricks from the old days ie standing me up a lot and saying one thing and doing another. When I told him, three weeks ago to leave me alone for the rest of the pregnancy as he was upsetting me by being so flakey, he protested for another chance. ???

Also, although he says he's told his mum, I have not heard anything from her at all in the last 8 months - when I ask him if she is interested in the baby he says "yes, but she's got a lot on". Now I'm thinking he's probably not even told his mum?!

Is he just "saying the right thing" to hush up what's happened?

And should I give him the chance to keep it quiet until he realises there's an actual baby at the end of this pregnancy?

On the other hand, why am I protecting his interests?

I have tried to tell him he needs to step up to the plate or bugger off but it doesn't seem to have any affect on him saying one thing and doing another. What should I do?

Well, if you need help with small physical things in your house, why not ask everyone you know via Facebook? I have seen a few people do similar things- asking for help when moving for example.

Or what about a friendly neighbour if you regularly chat to any? People won't be offended by you asking, there's no shame in needing a bit of help. Offer a bottle of wine in return maybe?!

And try to go check out a nearly new sale if you're feeling a bit poor. They sometimes have great prams and other big equipment things, you can find a bargain if you are lucky.

Try not to even think about this man. He sounds useless at any sort of relationship with you, not just a romantic one. He is just going to annoy you by letting you down! You don't need that right now. I think you are spending too much of your time and energy on him.

Look at his actions, not his words. Focus on yourself and getting ready to be a mum.
It's his job to think about becoming a dad, you will have to just leave him to it.

Hi, I really sympathise with your situation. I did lots & lots of fact-finding for my own situation (single mum, father overseas, so CSA doesn't apply) which I hope helps:

1. In case the waiting list for counselling is slow, try also Gingerbread for support, www.gingerbread.org.uk/ & other single parent support groups to meet other single parent friends locally.

2. Look after YOU and your baby. You have only 4 to 8 weeks til birth. Put your health first.

3. Try not to obsess over him. You can't force someone to be what isn't in their nature to be.

4. Protect yourself with practical arrangements. So know where you stand legally: You will have parental responsibility and he will have financial responsibility...

As an unmarried father, he will not have parental responibility ...:

1. ...unless he jointly registers the birth with you. You can do this on your own within 6 weeks of baby's birth. Use your surname. (I had problems flying with a baby/child under a different surname & eventually changed my son's name to mine).
2. ...unless you agree parental responsiblity with him. (Don't!)
3. ...unless he gets a Court Order for Parental Responsibility. (At least this will sort out the financials).

(see parental rights & responsibilities under directgov.uk
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/ParentsRights/DG_4002954

1. CSA sets minimum monthly contributions but enforcement is difficult.

So, if he has a job in the city and is financially well off, in addition to the CSA amount, you can claim much more financial support from him under Section 1 of the Children's Act 1989. This could include lump sum costs towards housing, school fees, & other expenses. ie. it's based entirely on the financial requirements on the child and the standard of living intended by the parents. Find out about this by phoning the Family Court Service asap - request a free telephone consultation. Try to make the calls before you give birth, as you'll have very little time after! You can also make as many lump sum claims as you like under this Act until the child is 16 or 17, but don't leave it too long. Good luck!

ensure - yes, I should ask my neighbour, he has offered to help in the past. I just hate being the feeble pregnant lady!

optimal - thanks for taking the time to reply with all the info, DC will deffo have my last name, have not decided on the birth cert yet.

I have spoken to my baby's dad this morning, he told me he thinks it's time he 'pulled his finger out' (I'll believe it when I see it), but I've told him I want a legal contract for access and maintenance, and he has agreed, if that's what I "really want".

Well yes, I think it is.

He's still said he's coming round to assist me this week. I am going to just try and ignore it.

Well done Paige - lets hope he does pull his finger out. I think a legal contract is a good idea.

Is he in a relationship with anyone?

His reticence to have anyone know of his impending fatherhood and his going 'off radar' would suggest so. I ask as this could explain a lot.

Agree with hairytriangle about the baby having a right to a realtionship with his/her father, but sounds like you have your head screwed on and won't be using that as leverage.

Good luck

He is what I believe is known as a "player" ie, he has a string of girls he calls up as and when - they are all fawning over him on his Facebook, that's why he doesn't want anything cropping up on there.

He's 29 and lives at home with his mum. Says a lot!

Ah. One of them

He lives with his mum and she hasn't been in touch?

I very much doubt he's told her.

To offer a glimmer of hope, players make terrible partners, but sometimes make good fathers. The problem is, many men don't really become fathers until the baby arrives. Until then, it's all an abstract concept... so there is hope that he will become a good father, even if he is a twat.

He will never give you the support you need though.

If you ask for and get the help ie from your nice neighbour (you're not being the feeble pregnant lady, you're just being sensible and looking after yourself) it will stop you wasting time being angry/upset at the baby's father for not helping you do these things. It will also remove some of the power he has over you by constantly keeping you dangling on waiting for him to actually do what he says he will.

The fact that he doesn't seem to have told his mum (!!!) makes it sound like for him this baby is still a vague abstract concept rather than an actual concrete reality who is going to arrive soon. What a nice fuzzy place for him to inhabit - all the pride in fatherhood and none of the inconvenience. In his imagination he's being helpful and supportive too probably - in reality he's being worse than useless. He's going to have to snap out of it at some point though and connect with reality. Agree with the advice above about sorting out maintenance legally, and taking any other steps that you need to ensure what concrete support from him you can.

Don't waste energy waiting for him to fulfil his promises though - it's action that counts not empty words, and unless he actually starts real-life actually doing things, I think you should assume his contribution to be nil, and accept offers of help from elsewhere.

I don't think you have any obligation to protect his interests, particularly as he is doing very little to protect yours. Maybe he needs reminding that his words mean absolutely nothing unless he follows them up with action - they may as well be radio static.

'Protecting his interests' at the moment seems to be cushioning him from the real world. You're doing that for your unborn child; you have no reason to do that for a grown adult man and he is taking the piss to expect you to.

You sound like a brave, sensible woman btw and I bet you'll be a great mother.

Hi, hard luck about your situation - there's nothing worse than someone who constantly promises something and then lets you down, as you say, it would be much easier if he had just decided to bow out at the beginning so you had no expectations.

I have a few further thoughts, which come from both my perspective as a family solicitor and also as the child of a single mother and a father who sounds much like this man.

In my capacity as a solicitor, I agree with mathanxiety that it's sensible to keep a record of your requests for financial assistances and his responses (or lack of them) and any conversations you have about contact, but I personally think it's too soon to to tie down everything legally. It might well be a good idea to see a solicitor to discuss your options and to discuss maintenance, but I think it's probably too soon to commit anything to writing in terms of a formal contact agreement - until you know how he reacts to the reality of becoming a father (which is still very abstract to him), you don't necessarily want to be committed to anything yourself. It could be that the reality of having a child is the wake up call he needs and he becomes a lovely dad and you can agree things with him direct, in which case it's better not to have a formal agreement restricting you. Equally, he could be a dreadful and uninterested father, in which case, I'm guessing you won't want to be tied into a formal contact arrangement with him either. It's if he's somewhere in between (i.e interested but unreliable, which is certainly possible from what you've said) that a well structured contact agreement could be really helpful, but that can be dealt with at a later stage. The other point is that the process of negotiating these things is often fraught - which is stress you could do without and will almost certainly knock on the head any current chance there may be of him coming good as a father and your relationship with him (as a parent) being ok.

I also agree with optimal's advice to use your surname not his and am pleased you're already going to do that - if you used his and regretted it, it's very hard to change it at a later date unless he agrees. I also think it's worth not putting him on the birth certificate to give him automatic parental responsibility (which in theory at least would mean a lifetime of having to agree all parenting decisions, such as schooling, healthcare decisions etc) - if he proves himself at a later date, you can always enter into a parental responsibility agreement then. If he does have money and refuses (or fails) to support you, it's also correct that you may be able to make a court application under Schedule 1 (not section 1) of the Children Act 1989 for a lump sum etc.

As a couple of others have said, you need to distinguish between your own relationship with him and the one your child may have with him in the future. For yourself, he has let you down time and time again and it's clearly not worth having expectations of him - just be pleasantly surprised if he ever does come through for you. The child does have the right to see its father however (and the Court would definitely agree, unless in very extreme circumstances) so I don't agree with whoever suggested you should cut him out altogether. Having said that, if he does turn out to be flakey even with the child, then you will need to be aware of and think of countering measures for the potential damage it can do a child - I personally found not having a father in the early years of my life absolutely fine, but when he started to get involved when I was about 9, it was difficult, and my teenage years were even more difficult than they should have been by virtue of my hopes of a relationship with my father being constantly let down.

Good luck with it all.

P.S. Sorry to add to an already over long post, but a further thought. I agree it sounds as though his mum doesn't know about this. Do you know her? Can you tell her? She may well yet prove to be very supportive to you and keen on her grandchild. Despite my father being a waste of space for most of my childhood, his parents (his mother in particular) were very supportive of my mum and it was great for me to have a relationship wiht both sides of my family. Hopefully once she finds out that will actually be a bonus for both you and the child.

I've not met his mum, apparently he broke the news around 14 weeks, and she was "asking questions in between insults" (to him I presume) but since then, she has had various problems including ill health and the death of a close relative, or as he says "a lot on".

But as a woman, I'm beginning to wonder why she hasn't been curious enough to even get in touch to see what kind of person I am, bringing her first grandchild into the world.

I also wonder whether she's assumed I am/was a "sperm bandit" who at 36, has trapped her innocent son into having to support a baby.

I have heard she's quite a piece of work though, so I don't feel mentally strong enough at the moment to get in touch in case she tells me where to go!

Thanks for all the advice, it's really appreciated (and noted).

I wouldn't bet the insults were directed against him. A mother whose grown son lives with her is far more likely to have a very jaundiced view of the women in her son's life than of her son. I think 'sperm bandit' might sum up what she thinks of you. I know a man like this and also knew his late mother, and this was her reaction when told news like this. I never heard a good word from her about the mother of her grandchild.

I like Rollercoasteryear's advice to wait and see how interested he is before pushing for a formal agreement about contact. But I also think you shouldn't let him wait indefinitely to make up his mind if he's man enough for all this yet, and you should register the baby alone. Optimal's advice about the nuts and bolts of it all and the 'protect yourself' aspect is spot on.