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Original poster

Mobile phones - DH is such a fuckwit

30 replies

AreYouCallingMeDarling · 11/11/2010 19:56

Some time ago DH had an affair that I found out about through his phone bill (by accident, same initial, I opened it)

So, we get over it, we move on together.

Then two weeks ago, he goes out on the Friday night to a works do, and on the Saturday get's a text. I jokingly say "who loves you?" and he said "oh, it's Stuart asking how I am".

He was at work on the Sunday, and things begin to niggle, so as I go to bed I sent him a text asking to see the message from Stuart when he gets home (we have an agreement that no text messages are deleted from our phones).

I get a long message after I am asleep, admitting that the message was from Z (female) saying Hiya, and that he had been speaking to her at the do the night before, and that she and her boyfriend had subsequently had an argument.

He then had a whole text message conversation with her over the course of the Sunday (before I sent my text) which he has now deleted. He was "helping her with her problems with her boyfriend as her self esteem is low and she is too good for him"

She works in the next office to him, is younger than him, he admits that he finds her attractive, but would never do anything because he loves me.

I am not really coping with this. I have explained to him that loving me means trusting me if there was nothing in the text messages that was untowards, that he is a fuckwit of the highest order and that he has taken the trust issue from me back 10 steps. He has reactivated my online access to his online billing. He admits that deleting them was an error of judgement.

Any advice on how to handle this? Because I am not handling it very well at the moment.

OP posts:
msboogie · 11/11/2010 20:12

I'm sorry, can't suggest anything really. He got away with it last time as you stayed with him so I suppose you have to expect he would do it again.

The fact that he deleted the texts means he was up to no good of course. He lied and hid things and destroyed the evidence. He is not trustworthy in any sense. But the fact that you have to have an agreement to not delete texts speaks volumes in itself.

If I were you he would be out but then I think I would have finished it the first time the trust was destroyed.

quizling · 11/11/2010 20:13

I don't think it is actually a major issue. It was silly of him, but it's not an affair or an emotional affair. It's good that he has given you access to his billing

fel1x · 11/11/2010 20:18

I disagree. It IS a major issue.
He had an affair before and this time he has almost definitely started down the same path again. Even if it hadnt gone any further, by sending the texts and deleting the texts he has shown that he would be open to it going further.
You have stepped in and stopped it this time, but if you stay with him again then he is even MORE likely to do it again and again...

msboogie · 11/11/2010 20:19

Not an affair - only becasue he is so shit at it he keeps getting caught! What do you think would have happened if the OP had not remarked upon the text and asked to see it?

Original poster
AreYouCallingMeDarling · 11/11/2010 20:23

:sigh:

I do think that he has been stupid

Not sure what to do next.

I have told him about every one of the offers I have had on my nights out - there have been several, including one who wanted to take me to a hotel for the day.

I have always pointed out to them that as attractive as they may be, both they and I are married, so nowt happens.

OP posts:
RealityBomb · 11/11/2010 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doha · 11/11/2010 20:29

Had the texts been innocent he would not have deleted them. Of course he admits deleting them is an error of judgement because he can claim innocence and this cant be disproven.

|Why did this female have his phone number?

So sorry but to me it seems that you are being taken for a fool again.

Majot alarm bells are ringing here

Original poster
AreYouCallingMeDarling · 11/11/2010 20:32

Well, if he is a serial cheater then I guess I can get my rocks off somewhere else Wink.

He is out tonight - that is how nice I am - yes love you go off for your charity curry night, that's fine.

Ad an aside, if we were not together, I would have to give up my work, unless I left the kids with him. I work in London and could not live there. He does the childcare pick up drop off etc. I am specialised as well, so would be fucked.

I really do love him too.

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 11/11/2010 21:08

You said you "got over" the affair as a couple, but he clearly hasn't learned anything about boundaries with damsels in distress, trust and lying to you. This will therefore happen again. If he also knows you won't call time on this, because you need him for childcare, then he's got carte blanche to keep doing this, knowing you won't rock the boat.

You cannot monitor his fidelity for ever. He's the one who should be doing that, not you. He evidently isn't capable of that, because he doesn't really want to.

quizling · 11/11/2010 21:37

"Ad an aside, if we were not together, I would have to give up my work, unless I left the kids with him. I work in London and could not live there. He does the childcare pick up drop off etc. I am specialised as well, so would be fucked."

Problem. I think if this was the case I would stay with him. Sounds like it would properly mess everything up if you split

msboogie · 11/11/2010 21:44

Have an open marriage then. Seems its already open from his perspective...

SparklingExplosionGoldBrass · 11/11/2010 21:47

AYCMD: So do you think you can accept the fact that he is going to carry on having affairs? Some people can. Some people do. It's an option that is available to you.
Though whether or not it would work depends on, for one thing, why he has affairs. If it's because he's fundamentally not monogamous and easily tempted by any passing female but is in all other respects a good co-parent at least (does his share of domestic shitwork, good with the children, good company, pays you attention, supportive of your work) then it might at least be worth a try, but you need to insist on some ground rules eg none of his dates are ever to come to our house, and he's not to shag people that you actually know. ANd he's got to demonstrate that he understands that you matter and he isn't going to get everything his own way just because he's the one with the penis.
However, if his shagging is motivated by things like: not wanting to be Owned or Controlled by a woman, or if he blames you (for not giving him enough sexual access to your body, for 'letting yourself go', for not prioritising him and giving him attention), or if he is lazy and selfish and belittling, then it's no good and not worth letting him walk all over you.

perfumedlife · 11/11/2010 21:49

Helping out my arm. He is up to no good, and the reason he is up to no good is because he got away with it the last time. I know he was caught out, but you stayed.

He is not going to change. It's put up with his cheating and take on the role of his jailor or bail out, move to London and get the children in after school care. It can be done, if needs must.

Sorry you are going through this, it is hell.

Original poster
AreYouCallingMeDarling · 11/11/2010 23:15

I have to say that
1 - I do not believe that he has had an affair this time
2 - He wants to stay with me as his life partner
3 - SGB - I blardy love you
4 - If he is going to shag other people it needs to be done in a different way - our contraception is a vasectomy, so last time he played away I had to go have loads of checks for STDs, and I am still of the mindset that my cervical cancer was probably caused by the HPV that he picked up from Fay.

(I would love to know if it is more likely that I carried HPV for 12 years without any effect or suddenly got bad results 18 months after he possibly infected me?)

OP posts:
talleyrand · 11/11/2010 23:25

personally, I don't think you can live your lives with random inspections of eachothers phones.

  • either you trust him or you don't.
  • either way phone spot checks are pointless, if he is faithful they are demeaning (to both of you) and if he is cheating he'll just find a way around it (likely: two phones)

It's just not sustainable.

kittya · 11/11/2010 23:28

thats the million dollar question alot of women wonder.

My friend got a dodgy smear result 6 months after her husband had started an affair and she had only slept with him.

I got one and had to be treated 8 months after I had got involved with a ban who, to put it politely, had been around the block several times and had three of us on the go. Id never been called back for a smear before then.

I dont think its anything you can prove though but, it does make you wonder.

kittya · 11/11/2010 23:29

a man not a ban!! although he shouldve been banned from going near women!

quizling · 11/11/2010 23:29

HPV is usually carried for a long time before it 'emerges', I would say almost always longer than 18 months

kittya · 11/11/2010 23:31

its probably just a coincidence then, strange that it has happened to so many people I know.

msboogie · 12/11/2010 00:07

I dunno, my younger sister had a bit of a skank for a boyfriend in her early twenties and had to have treatment for pre cancer after a number of dodgy smears and she hadn't been having sex that long.

msboogie · 12/11/2010 00:08

You sound remarkably detached about all this OP...

kittya · 12/11/2010 00:18

Im surprised it takes years to surface, would it depend on how aggressive the strain was?

OP, how are you doing?

BitOfFun · 12/11/2010 00:52

My God, his screwing around gave you cervical cancer?

And he is still deceiving you and cosying up to other women?

What an utter utter dickwad Angry

How can you bear to look at him?

ChippingIn · 12/11/2010 01:32

Why can't you and the kids live in London?

SGB speaks sense - but it's not something I could live with myself - if you can, good luck to you. I'd have to show him the door and his arse my boot.

Tortington · 12/11/2010 01:38

i'd rather live on the bones of my arse that give up my dignity.

i realise that we all have our different levels, i put up with shit that others wouldn't. but this i couldn't

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