Does your DH/DP have friends?

[bennevis]

I have name changed for this.
Going through a bit of a reassessment of my marriage now the kids have gone and am wondering what the future holds.

My life/marriage has not turned out as I'd like in many ways, and one of those is my Dhs lack of friends.

My DH is no one's enemy but neither is he anyone's friend. He doesn't have any. He is very popular and highly respected at work, but has no mates. Well, he has one who he has known for about 25 years but sees him about once a year.

He doesn't need people it seems and has brought nothing to the marriage in terms of friends. We have no social life other than what we do ourselves, or what I do with my girl friends. We never have anyone to dinner or get invited anywhere- parties or anything- except by my friends.

My biggest complaint about him as a H is that he doesn't communicate beyond the day to day trivia- and I feel he doesn't know how to form relationships- get under the surface with people.

I even wondered if he was borderline Aspergers though is behaviour/role at work doesn't show this as he is very diplomatic. We did the Aspergers test online- I scored 9 and each scored 24- Aspie is 32-ish. Some blurb I read said that engineers and maths people often get his score which fits, though they aren't Aspie- but it does highlight the difference between us.

I have a couple of girl friends whose partners have few friends so wonder if in fact he is quite normal.

He doesn't have a close relationship with his family ( parents/brother) and I just wonder if he is not a people person.

each - he

Sorry, I can't say anything positive really - as I was reading this I thought you could be describing my ex-h who has Aspergers.

The only difference is he has no diplomacy.

I found life with him very lonely so I do sympathise and know how tough it is to have to do all the work to establish some sort of social life.

Wouldn't you like to socialise as a couple with your friends & their partners?

I'm not actually sure what you have a problem with tbh. He's happy, you have friends and a social life.

Not everyones life is a whirl of dinner parties given by existing friends - more people form friendships and do things through activities

Thanks hormones for replying.
I would like to meet up with my friends but my BFs DH is even worse- she has a similar problem!

Most of my friends are divorced or dating new men, or not dating men at all, and my other friends live too far away for us to meet often.

There is a history of these conditions- my DH is dyslexic and his nephews are autistic/dyslexic.

The thing is, he is incredibly diplomatic- he is renowned at work for smoothing things over in a very senior role, but I think he succeeds because he doesn't get emotionally involved and ruffle anyone's feathers- which is fine at work, but 1;1 in a marriage makes me feel he doesn't really engage in anything meaningful- he just isn't chatty, and he is not very opinionated, whereas I am both of those!

People might wonder why we married but I just didn't know him after 2 years' dating like I know him after over 20 years marriage.

If I had one word to describe him, it would be "bland" which is awful. He underreacts to almost everything which makes me overreact to him, if that makes sense.

Everyone thinks he is sooooooooo nice, which he is ,but I have nothing to push against and no one to really communicate with.

I HATE talking to him on the phone as his voice is very flat and monotone and he has no conversation except telling you the facts etc .

Is this making any sense to anyone?

My XH was very similar. I wondered about asperger's, but again, there was the anomaly with him being popular and diplomatic at work. Any relationship outside work was superficial, he could just about manage small talk but never seemed to forge friendships.

Can you set up dinner dates with your friends and their husbands? That's what I used to do.

I can and have set up dinner dates - see above- at times, but what happens is that I end up feeling embarrassed as he is useless at small talk and useless at deep talk either- so I end up talking for both of us!

As I said, I have a group of about 4 close friends, and I see maybe one a week, and other acquaintances who I see now and then. Very few of them are in a couples situation where we could meet as couples.

This is not really the issue, I can live without dinner parties; the issue is, does my DH have a "problem" which means he doesn't form close relationships with anyone ( except me) and yet I feel shut out because he is hopeless at expressing himself- or doesn't feel the need.

I just wonder how a man can get to his age ( 50s) and have no friends? I suppose if it was odd, it would make me feel as if I had a reason to be unhappy as it would mean he was not able to make close relationships with anyone, due to poor communication, rather than just me feeling we don't click any more.

You see, what I need to hear are loads of MNs saying their DHs have no friends either but are perfectly lovely...whereas what I feel now is that I have a stick to beat him with, along the lines of "you must be almost Aspergers , you have no friends, you don't have close relationships with anyone, you can't do deep and meaningful about anything and that's why I can't relate to you now."

I think men get worse at bothering about friends as they get older. When I met dh we met through a mutual group of friends, but he rarely sees them at all now, unless I physically drag him along to see them, if I ask him why he doesn't want to go out etc, he just says he's not bothered

He has the odd friend who still pops around to see him, but it's always them doing the running, never the other way around, I could cheerfully strangle him because of this sometimes He seems happy enough in himself and confesses to as much, but yes it drives me batty as I'm a sociable person, I think most women are!

I relate with your first post but not your second to be honest. My DH is a) lazy and b) shy and because I'm a bit of a social butterfly (hate my own company so much I surround myself with other people) means he has gotten more lazy about keeping in touch with people and because we have DS now and so don't socialise as much as we used to his shyness has increased.

I've learnt that my friends don't HAVE to become his friends too, but majority are. I don't really know what to do about it, he' been in tears before now saying he doesn't have friends and I try to encourage him to keep in touch with people or follow up on drinks invites etc but he doesn't.

He too is well liked and respected, debates and jokes, is funny and (can be) charismatic so I don't think it's asp or similar in our case but I do worry that if anything happened to me, he would be left alone in the world in a way that I wouldn't be

oh god just read the posts immediately before mine - my DH is only 28 so god knows what it'll be like when he's in his fifties!

My DP has no friends but is nice, kind, funny, intelligent and well liked. He's just a strange kind of shy, a bit low in confidence and bloody lazy! My friends are his friends but he does sometimes get upset about not having any mates (I think he worries what the children might think as they get older) but he never actually does anything about it!

But the difference is that your DH wants to have friends- mine doesn't have any need of anyone. He has his shed.

are we married to the same man reikizen?

Maybe he has more friends than I think!

My DH has no mates and like yours he is very popular at work and very good at communicating.

We have often discussed his lack of a social life and he says that he feels that he doesn't need anyone else other than me and our dds. Which is nice I guess.

I have friends and need people to talk to and do things with outside the marriage. I am a people person he is definatley not. Although he does make an effort on the odd occassions that we venture out with people and my friends claim that he comes across as a nice person. (Well they wouldn't say anything else would they )

The only thing that worries me about your post is the fact that you clearly aren't happy. My DH and I can talk to each other about anything and he we do have fun together and actively try to make time for just us. Maybe you could try to do thing together as a couple and find something in common again. There must have been a reason you first got together?

"Everyone thinks he is sooooooooo nice, which he is ,but I have nothing to push against and no one to really communicate with."

Yes - this is so familiar bennevis - nothing to push against - I used to feel as if I was at sea all the time and didn't know how to describe the feeling, you've just done it for me, thank you! (Doesn't help you I know, sorry).

My ex-h had no opinions whatsoever about anything and, like you, I'm very opinionated. I also talked for the both of us. In social situations I felt like the MC or a court jester - talking, laughing, filling the gaps in the conversation for the both of us. It was agony and exhausting.

It is a problem and you're right to be concerned.

My dh is like this sort of. He has or had a large social circle when he was young, but once we got together be lost contct with them. He says that he didn't feel like his mates ever contributed to his happiness. And now when they ask him out or I try to force him to go he says he'd just rather stay home with me and children .
It used to bother me as I too have an actve social life and enjoy relationships with people.
But I love my dh for who he is, and though Webster very different I wouldn't change him.

am a bit about what you want to achieve by this thread - people can have aspergers, few friends and still be "perfectly lovely", you say "almost Aspergers" as if it's an insult... I don't understand the distinction you are trying to draw. If he did have Aspergers, it would have to be extremely mild, given he manages so well at work. maybe his social needs are met by work?

hormones- what I feel sad about is that my 2 DCs who have now almost left home have never had a home that was buzzing with people and laughter. We rarely have visitors and if we do they are daytime when I am not working . My parents had an open house for all the neighbours and friends. Unfortunately I live hundreds of miles from them, have no family near and neither does DH.

Although my DH is very popular at work and a very steady pair of hands, the other side of that coin is that he is not very opinionated or quick to anger/strong emotion. I was attracted to him as he was a foil for my hot temper and opinions ( I sound like a right cow) but now those aspects of him drive me mad.

He also "collects" - boys toys but also bills, receipts, instructions for appliances that have since been chucked. He uses the excuse that he is too busy to sort them out- I say it's Asppie. Would you tolerate carrier bags full of credit card receipts - for newspapers and food he has bought from months/years back? Is this normal behaviour?

DH has lots of freinds. People he's known for 30 years and people he met last month. Right now he's upstairs on the phone to someone he's known for over a decade.

I on the other hand can't be doing with people. I don't have the emotional energy for for freinds. I hate talking on the phone. Lunch with someone once a year and the odd email is more than enough connection with the outside world for me.

He's an extrovert and I am insular. And we are happy that way.

But I can communicate well, do small talk. I have opinions and can express them. I click on a deep level with DH too.

Bland monosyllabic monotone would frustrate me too.

anotherbrick oh yes you are right in that his needs are met at work- he works a 12 hr day anyway.

I don't mean to insult people with Aspergers- I have worked with them in my job- but I know that because I am at the other end of the scale, i find it hard to relate.

I really didn't want to get drawn into an Aspergers debate, I just wanted to know if lots of men do not have friends, so my DH is "normal" or if this is a sign of something else going on which makes him hard to live with.

DH is 43. He has loads of mates but no friends. They are little more than acquaintances.
Take this, he goes away for weekends with them. When he returns I might say 'so how is X? Is he seeing someone?' X is someone DH has known for 30 years. DH will look at me rather puzzled and say he has no idea. 'Do you not talk about anything personal then?' 'Nah. not really'. He goes to lunch with people. He has people drop into the workshop for cups of tea. They talk about cars, sport, more cars. They just don't talk in the same way that I talk with sisters and my (few) friends.
He sees nothing odd in this. He is perfectly content, likes to chat and laugh with me. He will put up with dinners etc if he has to (and actually is quite good at them). We have very different interests but when there is something we do together we enjoy it together.
He has been this way for the 27 years we've been together. I don't think he's going to change now. Sometimes it's rather annoying.

bennevis - oh, the 'collecting'! I bought two baskets for correspondence, bills, receipts etc. One for me & one for him. We put them on a shelf inside a cupboard so they weren't on display.

He agreed that he wouldn't let his basket get over-full and I promised I wouldn't nag him about it. It worked really well

"hormones- what I feel sad about is that my 2 DCs who have now almost left home have never had a home that was buzzing with people and laughter. We rarely have visitors and if we do they are daytime when I am not working . My parents had an open house for all the neighbours and friends. Unfortunately I live hundreds of miles from them, have no family near and neither does DH."

This isn't your dh's fault though. You seem to be blaming him for your life now not being like it was when you were growing up.

My dh is 53. He works and travels a lot. When is at home he likes to have a beer, watch a movie, catch up with the footie. He would HATE that the house was full of people who needed entertaining all the time. He wants to spend time with me and dd.

He does have a few friends who we see from time to time. If I fancy lunch out, or a movie I make my own plans.

And we invited his mates round for Bonfire Night. Twas great. We'll probably do a preXmas curry in a month or so. They don't have to be on hand all the time to be mates.