Does your DH/DP have friends?

[bennevis]

I have name changed for this.
Going through a bit of a reassessment of my marriage now the kids have gone and am wondering what the future holds.

My life/marriage has not turned out as I'd like in many ways, and one of those is my Dhs lack of friends.

My DH is no one's enemy but neither is he anyone's friend. He doesn't have any. He is very popular and highly respected at work, but has no mates. Well, he has one who he has known for about 25 years but sees him about once a year.

He doesn't need people it seems and has brought nothing to the marriage in terms of friends. We have no social life other than what we do ourselves, or what I do with my girl friends. We never have anyone to dinner or get invited anywhere- parties or anything- except by my friends.

My biggest complaint about him as a H is that he doesn't communicate beyond the day to day trivia- and I feel he doesn't know how to form relationships- get under the surface with people.

I even wondered if he was borderline Aspergers though is behaviour/role at work doesn't show this as he is very diplomatic. We did the Aspergers test online- I scored 9 and each scored 24- Aspie is 32-ish. Some blurb I read said that engineers and maths people often get his score which fits, though they aren't Aspie- but it does highlight the difference between us.

I have a couple of girl friends whose partners have few friends so wonder if in fact he is quite normal.

He doesn't have a close relationship with his family ( parents/brother) and I just wonder if he is not a people person.

Yes I agree with Springlamb. I could well be jealous if DH had a lot of friends he was always socialising with although I think what they would talk about would be pretty boring tbh. I never socialise at the end of the day - that is DH and me time. I have had more loquacious 'emoting' boyfriends in the dim and distant past and it can get a bit annoying like being stuck with a premenstrual girl who never buggers off. I like the chalk and cheese approach myself it just suits me and I think it suits him. I can only 'tolerate for politeness sake' the DH's of girlfriends, its the girls I love, not their partners.

My bloke has friends through his hobbies but not friends he'll go out for a beer with. My ex was like this as well. My dad never went out with male friends either, apart from rotary/ round table type dos.
I don't go out with friends as my good friends live several hours away, although I have lots of hobby related friends I wouldn't call them up for casual chats.
None of us have aspergers.
Some people just don't need friends much, especially if you have a job where you are talking to people all day.
I don't see why your husband is holding you back from having the life you want. If you want to have people round for dinner do it, although I suspect you think other couples socialise far more than they really do.
You say your husband is holding you back, but how would things be better if you lived alone?

My DH (40 years old) doesn't have any friends as such - old friends who he rarely meets and lots of acquaintances. But he is incredibly self-contented - enjoys spending time with me, with DD, enjoys cooking (even when alone and only for himself!), loves running and reading, going to museums and galleries, eating out (generally just with me or alone)... He's very self-contained and we rarely have deep emotional conversations but he enjoys intellectual/politcal discussion so that's really nice. Our social life revolves around my friends - he's happy to join in but rarely instigates anything himself. I accept it's his personality and always has been and I love our relationship. We are similar and very different - so be it.

Your DH does sound perfectly normal. The big question for you now you are facing a home without your DC (so just the two of you) is how you deal with this situation. I doubt your DH will change now, so you have to change your mindset and/or your situation.

Your DCs moving out (soon) have left you with just your DH. Is he enough for you? Is this life enough for you? What can YOU do to change it as it is you (and likely not your DH) who is unhappy with things

OP, you sound like you're describing my Dad, almost to the last detail. He was a Professor of Maths at a decent uni by the way, which sounds like it fits the job description as well. I think I can understand your difficulty as my Mum never managed to reconcile herself with Dad's lack of emotions, lack of willingness to discuss feelings etc and eventually left him after all of us kids had left home.

Your DH may well have some traits of aspergers - we're all somewhere on the spectrum - but tbh, as he's functioning pretty well anyway then there's no point looking for a diagnosis as he won't get any treatment. It may only become relevant if you're able to access some kind of counselling with him but otherwise it could simply become a label and a focus for your frustrations.

Is it fair to say that your relationship worked best when you were working as a team to bring up the kids, i.e. with a shared focus that wasn't solely each other? If so, are there any activities, hobbies, days out etc. that you could do together, almost reminding yourself of how he can be good company? This could also be a good way to try and meet people. Every 'friendship' my Dad had (and friendship is a very grand term) was based around interests rather than people. He never socialised, but would see people at a photography club for e.g.

When you want to discuss emotions etc. have you tried asking more direct/blunt questions than you would do with female friends? This can be helpful to people with aspergers (though not all) because direct questions or statements require less abstract thought. Harder work for you, but there may be some benefits.

Sorry don't have any particular advice. He obviously has something going for him, it just sounds like it will be a lot of work for you to find/rediscover what it is. Good luck.

My word, your dh sounds identical to mine. What bothers me is that I look at his Dad and he is totally reliant on DHs Mum for his social life. He DOES nothing without her. I dread the day that my DH becomes this bad. Even now, I have to really push him to go out and socialise. My own social life is on a bit of a low at the moment - but not because I don't try. Yet my DH doesn't seem to care that he is always at home and looks just to me and our children for company. Sometimes, it drives me mad!

thing is if the men are happy with this state of affairs then fine (weirdos) and there do seem to be a lot of them. But what about the ones who want to have more friends but are just too damn lazy and shy to keep in contact with people so the friendships die?

DH is always saying how brilliant it is when we have friends over etc

So refreshing to hear that someone else has a DH like this. I thought I was the only one - it feels that way when everyone else has lots of couple friendships.

What's more frustrating is that my DH is also really good at small talk, but never takes it beyond this level. People he meets through work always seem to love him and he is very charismatic. When I meet people who he knows through work they always want to talk to me because I'm married to him. Always lots of stories of how amazing and funny he is, how he has changed their life etc! He just doesn't need friendships. He is very content with my company and can't see why we would choose to make conversation with another couple for an evening.

I don't know why he's like this - I think it's because he had a completely crap childhood. Neither parent could be bothered to bring him up and through his childhood anybody he cared about ended up deserting him in some way. I am probably the person who has offered him the most continuity and support he has ever had.

I think what worries me is your willingness, almost a wish, to put a label on your DH just because he isn't living his life how you would maybe like him to? Why does he have to have something "wrong" with him just because his life isn't how you'd like it to be? Are you worried it reflects badly on you that he has no friends?

Being blunt, it sounds very much like you are experiencing a soon to be empty nest and you are re-evaluating your life and hoping that if you can find something "wrong" with your husband and your life together you can maybe place the blame on him and move on ???

My DH doesn't have close friends. Seems to be much more normal for men.

My Dh is exactly the same, no real friends out side of work, he works hard 12hrs+ 5 days a week. We also have 2 girls 7 and 2, where I have always craved friendships and have the constant need to be around my firends, he on the other hand is quite happy to come home from work, chill out with his family.

The question I ask myself now after reading all the threads, Why do I feel the need for friendships?? I hate my own company? I've had friendships in the past that have let me down badly, but still I go back for more.

I'm starting to envy my dh, he happy with his work, his family, and most of all himself!

Hand up over here too. My DH is just like this, and so is his brother. No real friends, he has made friends over the years but never makes the effort to keep in touch and go out together - don't know the last time he went to the pub or anything. He does sports with people, but it never goes beyond that - he used to socialise a bit more when we got together, but maybe the kids and I are enough for him now and he doesn't feel the need.

Mind you, I own up to being pretty rubbish myself on this front, I only seem sociable in comparison!

bennevis - I am very like you husband in many ways and strongly suspect I am mildly 'Aspergers' type. Most importantly though, I am basically happy and I dont think you should worry about DH as long as he makes you happy and he loves you and you love him.

When I was young, I was very shy, didnt understand how people worked very well and had a few close friends. DS1 is the same.

Now I have no friends other than DW and the friends she has has made for us. I like those friends to come to our house and like being a good host and looking after people. However, I cant rememember when I last just rang up a friend and went out for a drink or invited them for dinner. I rely on DW. She is good at it and in return I do all the arranging and cooking and cleaning before they come. I care about people and am interested in them but sometimes find conversation difficult with new people and especially making small talk. I get on well and have fun with people who I know though and especially those who are interested in ideas and what is going on in the world but struggle with social chit chat. DW also says I am useless on the phone for this reason.

Philosophically, I think that friendships are not important. I dont think they are a permanent thing, just a transitional state. Its important to me to be open and friendly with people I am with at any given moment but unless I meet them again I dont worry about it. In short, I find the process of making new friends and maintaining friendships very hard work and not worth the effort. DW is my only close permanent friend.

When I read threads on MN where people (usually women) are agonising over lost friendships I genuinley cant understand why they are worried. Friendship is over rated in my view and I think a lot of people use, abuse and exploit people thay call friends.

IMO Aspergers is a red herring. what difference does it make whether he has it or not?

either

• he has aspergers and no friends OR
• he doesn't have aspergers, but he has no friends

what difference does that make, really. The problem is the friends.

Are you SURE he is 'popular at work' ? How do you know? Perhaps he just has colleagues, and normal working relationships with them.

It's had to know how to help him, if he's not uncontented, though.

Does he do his share of the housework??

Wow BeenBeta. I've never looked at your profile and never realised you are a man! Not sure if that's a good thing for you... (sorry!)

You mean you cant tell?

There are people on MN who swear they can tell if a man is posting by just looking at their sentence construction

Very impressed with your chickens BB My friend has 4 in her back garden. Plus 4 cats and they all get along

talleyrand I understand where you're coming from to a certain extent - its frequently counterproductive (and a bit lazy) to try and put a label on someone and often people do it to try and rationalise behaviour that they otherwise would not understand. Where a suggestion of aspergers is borderline then I would agree with your comments.

On the other hand if the person concerned is demonstrating many of the behaviours associated with aspergers and this is causiong trouble in their personal/social/professional/school life then the diagnosis can be helpful, not only to the people around them, but to them as well. There are techniques, therapies etc that can work really effectively with people who have aspergers and their families. Not only can they help to address some of the attendant relational difficulties but they can also assist in identifying particular skills, talents etc. in the person concerned that they might otherwise have not been made aware of. I'm not a professional in this field myself, but have worked alongside them and have seen a couple of people's lives turned around by their interventions.

but first .... they have to feel they have a problem they want to solve.

I remain mystified by this thread. Bennevis, you seem to be describing a rather shallow relationship with your DH and a distressing shortage of meaningful exchange in your life. I can understand the desire to find a 'reason' for it, but what difference would it make? Instead of labelling DH, surely you need to 'label' your dissatisfaction, and start from there?

If, on reflection, you find your relationship has always lacked depth (but you didn't notice whilst the DCs were demanding), you might be faced with re-evaluating your life together and I can see how you'd want to avoid that! But you can call him any name you like - the label won't alter the situation.

Hope this made some kind of sense to you.

My dh is exactly the same. I think it's a man thing. I worry about him, but he is fine. I understand how you feel about wanting more conversation and social life, but then I think he's happy and I'm happy cwtched up on the sofa watching tv! Would I really want to start entertaining and going out all the time? I've got my girlfriends and love spending time with them, maybe the grass may not be greener on the other side! ?! Could you find any hobbies to start as a couple? That might give you more shared interests x

i wonder if mn would be as popular if we all had the kind of friendships you long for dh to have

can't help thinkin if i did i wouldn't spend nearly so much time on here debating meaningful things with strangers. can't spk for others tho...