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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please can somebody talk to me about my relationship with mother?

32 replies

anothernewname09 · 10/11/2010 17:34

Just need some impartial input really...Sad

I have an up and down relationship with my mother. At times it is great, she is supportive, helpful with DD and I know she loves me.

However as a teenager I was involved heavily in a sport and competed internationally, I was proberly in the top 50 in the country.

My parents sacrificed a lot for me, money, time and my education as I left school at 14. I am forever grateful for this.

Sadly I did not progress as a senior and now live a normal life!

As a teenager and even to this day me and Mum can row over small things which will quickly fly into a massive deal which normally leaves me in tears. The thing is I think I often provoke it?? Its like I want her to see me broken and upset??

I have been thinking about this recently and I think this is because of a few (maybe half a dozen) incidents that most certainly would be regarded as child abuse, both physically and mentaly. I am also wondering if all she gave up wasnt actually for me but maybe for her...I just dont know?

I guess what im asking is does this sound viable?
Do I provoke her to make her see how angry and upset I am about this things?
Also if parents have done a grand job and tried to be good parents 70% of the time, does it ever excuse the other 30%?
What should I do? Talk to her? Forgive and forget, if possible?

Im sure I was no perfect teenager but I was under a lot of stress to peform and, at the end of the day, she was an adult- I was a child.

Am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:
Original poster
anothernewname09 · 10/11/2010 18:44

Anybody??

Just feel so crap........

OP posts:
tummysgottogo · 10/11/2010 18:48

It's possible that she was living her life and dreams through you but I can't really say. Why would you want her to see you upset?

Original poster
anothernewname09 · 10/11/2010 18:58

I dont know, I want her to know I hurt and havnt forgotten those things. I want to show her I still remember things about that time and I feel like such a failure........

OP posts:
inkyfingers · 10/11/2010 18:59

I wonder if you need some sort of counselling? I only mean talking through what you have said here with someone (a lot!) more qualified than me. This thread could only take you so far. The physical and mental abuse you refer to will have sunk quite deep for you (as it would any teenager).

also, it's worrying the rows leave you in tears, but not your mum. Provoking her will open a lot of stuff ...

Good luck.

tummysgottogo · 10/11/2010 19:06

Could you talk to her? Would she be open to hearing your side of the story and admit what has happened? Even if you are subconsciously provoking her to show her that you are upset, it's not going to work, because she doesn't know what you are trying to show her!

So it might be best to see a counsellor and work it out with them, even if you can talk to your mum. It sounds like it affects you in more ways than one - "I feel like such a failure" - you aren't and you don't have to feel like that.

There were "ishoos" in my house when I was growing up and had no real idea how many areas of my life it affected until I started seeing a counsellor about 8 months ago. Best money I've ever spent (and am still spending) Wink

Original poster
anothernewname09 · 10/11/2010 19:07

She always seems to want to prove she is better than me and that things are my fault because of my character...

Thanks for the advice guys. I have thought about counselling but I wasnt sure if I was just making a mountain out of a molehill.

OP posts:
phipps · 10/11/2010 19:09

You haven't said what she did that was bad.

tummysgottogo · 10/11/2010 19:11

True phipps but I also think that if its having this affect on the OP and bugging her then it probably doesn't matter if it even happened - she needs to sort it out.

OP what did she do?!

Original poster
anothernewname09 · 10/11/2010 19:14

Tummy- im sure it affects other sides of my life and relationships. I do it a bit with DH and sometimes my sister but not to such an extent.

It feels like nobody listens to how I feel and nobody understands how hard things are sometimes.

I just cant get the memory of her kicking me round the floor because she was shouting that I did something wrong and I answered back....I want her to remember it to and say sorry.

OP posts:
Original poster
anothernewname09 · 10/11/2010 19:16

x post.

Well, the above Sad.

She used to pin me against the wall and growl in my face..

Told me if I made the same mistake she would "rip my fucking head off"

I just dont understand how she could do it, id never do it to DD

OP posts:
phipps · 10/11/2010 19:17

SadShock

Write your mother a letter saying you remember when she kicked you, etc etc and it makes you ........ and you want ........ from her.

tummysgottogo · 10/11/2010 19:26

This seriously sounds like the kind of thing a good therapist can help you with. You'll start to put all the pieces together and no doubt be surprised at how all of these things are connected.

If you think there can be a positive outcome in talking to your mum, then do it Smile

Otherwise road test a few counsellors till you find one you like - check them out though because there are different types and you want one that goes back into your childhood history - psychodynamic counselling.

WADA · 10/11/2010 19:29

I would suggest before considering confronting your mother that you see a counsellor and sort out how you feel about it first. That way if you feel you want to approach her, you do it from a position of strength.

Talking from experience of having a difficult relationship with both my mother and father through talking to a counsellor I have been able to unpick the strands and I've been able to clearly see the dynamic between us. Rather than confront my parents I have been able to adjust how I think of myself so that their behaviour no longer affects me the way it did. It's that old adage of not being able to change anyone but yourself. I have spoken to my mother about certain things but because I've sorted my own feelings and thoughts out I've been able to do it from a position of strength and it's been far more productive for me.

For me the only consideration when someone has treated you badly as a child is how to make yourself feel better on the inside.

Original poster
anothernewname09 · 10/11/2010 19:29

What I really want to know is am I being over dramatic?

These things didnt happen every day.

Do the good times excuse the bad?

Thankyou for posting, I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
tummysgottogo · 10/11/2010 19:34

If it's bothering you then you aren't being overdramatic. You need to have your needs met too - which is something it sounds like you have trouble allowing sometimes.

I agree with WADA - its about making you feel better on the inside.

Original poster
anothernewname09 · 10/11/2010 19:37

Sorry for being dim but what do you mean by-

"You need to have your needs met too - which is something it sounds like you have trouble allowing sometimes".

Im not being funny I just dont really understand- sorry?

OP posts:
tummysgottogo · 10/11/2010 19:40

I might be out of order but you said earlier that it feels like no-one understands how difficult it is for you, and you seem reluctant to accept that you aren't making a mountain out of a molehill, kind of like maybe you don't deserve to/it's not worth making a fuss about this....when actually it is upsetting you and you have every right to accept that you deserve better.

Slap me if I went too far Smile

Original poster
anothernewname09 · 10/11/2010 19:45

No it makes sense I think!

I was never alowed to cry as a child. Especially when competing, we was all told to suck it up (american coach).

I guess I dont want to be weak, I want to be a strong person not some weaklin who cant handle what happened in my teen years.

I dont want to be this person.

Others were in the same position as me and they havnt crumbled into adulthood...

OP posts:
thirtysomething · 10/11/2010 19:47

you are not being overdramatic. I think your mother abused you and now the memories are starting to re-surface.

I bet you were a nice middle-class family on the surface and were "certain" your mum "loved" you? So insofar as you possibly could you'll have denied to yourself the pain and reality of the moments of abuse as they didn't "fit" the vision you had of your family?

It sounds like the feelings you buried are dormant and sometimes want to get out.

Speaking both personally and professionally I would agree that counselling could help you to understand your past and what makes you tick now. It may never be possible to resolve the issues with your mum but you can change the way you perceive the relationship and choose how the future looks with her.

I think a Person-Centred or integrative counsellor would be good as they can help you link present with past in a gentle, empowering way. IMHO and it's just my own experience, you can end up feeling a bit weak and guilty in the early stages of psychodynamic counselling.

jangly · 10/11/2010 19:47

Do you think you could possibly try to forgive, and forget - for the sake of a good relationship today.
Was she under some kind of stress? Remember anxiety and depression might not have been so well understood then as they are to-day, and there might not have been the help available. Could she have been isolated? Did your dad give her the support a dad would (hopefully) give to his wife these days?
I just wonder if you could perhaps find some way to understand why she did those things. It sounds like she wasn't all bad.

Original poster
anothernewname09 · 10/11/2010 19:49

Not middle class. But my Mum would always definatly try to let others think we were perfect and that if I ever wanted to stop or take it down a level that was fine.

Reality was different though..

OP posts:
tummysgottogo · 10/11/2010 19:51

thirtysomething you have just perfectly described my experience of my lovely "middle class" and christian family!

I don't know too much about psychodynamic counselling except through my own experience - and she is fab!! I took it at my own pace and I'm such a non-truster that I'm only just starting to trust her now after eight bloody months a little bit Blush

Original poster
anothernewname09 · 10/11/2010 19:52

She wasnt all bad.

Everyone was under stress, we were split up as a family, me and mum traveling up and down europe, dad was working and my sister was at home getting stoned.

DS def blames me for the lack of family time and the fact that the family revolved around me.

My Mum and DS are closer than me and my mum are now.

OP posts:
tummysgottogo · 10/11/2010 19:56

Not many - if any? - people ARE all bad. Doesn't mean that something didn't go wrong for you - which it certainly sounds like you have every reason to seek help/sort it out

Original poster
anothernewname09 · 10/11/2010 19:58

Is counselling confidential?

OP posts: