Please can somebody talk to me about my relationship with mother?

[anothernewname09]

Just need some impartial input really...

I have an up and down relationship with my mother. At times it is great, she is supportive, helpful with DD and I know she loves me.

However as a teenager I was involved heavily in a sport and competed internationally, I was proberly in the top 50 in the country.

My parents sacrificed a lot for me, money, time and my education as I left school at 14. I am forever grateful for this.

Sadly I did not progress as a senior and now live a normal life!

As a teenager and even to this day me and Mum can row over small things which will quickly fly into a massive deal which normally leaves me in tears. The thing is I think I often provoke it?? Its like I want her to see me broken and upset??

I have been thinking about this recently and I think this is because of a few (maybe half a dozen) incidents that most certainly would be regarded as child abuse, both physically and mentaly. I am also wondering if all she gave up wasnt actually for me but maybe for her...I just dont know?

I guess what im asking is does this sound viable?
Do I provoke her to make her see how angry and upset I am about this things?
Also if parents have done a grand job and tried to be good parents 70% of the time, does it ever excuse the other 30%?
What should I do? Talk to her? Forgive and forget, if possible?

Im sure I was no perfect teenager but I was under a lot of stress to peform and, at the end of the day, she was an adult- I was a child.

Am I being over sensitive?

Try to work on it. It sounds like it was a nightmare for the whole family. You can't change what happened in the past. If she's ok to you now, it might be best to try and forget, and try hard to get a good relationship going now.

yes, counselling is totally confidential provided you find a counselor working to BACP or UKCP Ethical guidelines (both orgs have websites where you can locate counsellors who are members)

I'm sorry Jangly I really don't understand your perspective. Anothernewname is clearly quite impacted by things that happened in her childhood and needs to focus on her own experience of those and deal with the feelings. I think trying to forgive and forget or make allowances is diminishing her own painful memories and reinforcing the sense of not being allowed to cry, not having the right to disagree/have an opinion etc. Those experiences are really damaging for a child and to ask her to basically re-write her own history now is equally damaging.

Yes it is newname. They have bloody good memories too - remind you of things when you start to contradict yourself to cover something up

Okay, you have all helped so much.

Feel alot better just talking a bit, like a weight has been lifted.

Hopefully im brave enough to sort out counselling!

Good luck. Taking the first step is hard but once you start working on this you will begin to get more out of life, without the niggling feelings and uncertainty.

Try BACP's website - they have a search a therapist facility - www.bacp.co.uk.

I agree re counselling. It will help you offload and also help you accept that most parents are crap at times, but that doesn't mean they were bad parents. Some of the things you say about your mum's treatment sound awful by today's comparieson but parenting has changed alot in the past 30 years. I was brought up more strictly and with more smacking etc than my kids are. At times I hated my parents and wanted to run away from home, but they loved me and thought they were doing the right thing.
It sounds as though now you have a porr relationship now with your mum and that's causing you to dwell on the bad things in the past more, where as I know my dad loves me very much , so the fact that i got smacked alot (probably not alot, but memory is selective) doesn't matter as I know he didn't do it out of malice or because he disliked me.
I'm not sure what your "darling son" has to do with it all or does DS mean something different here like sister?

Sorry DS ment sister!! Didnt see the problem untill after I posted.

Just for the record we are only talking 10 years ago. Im 23.

Im not complaining just that a lot of people mentioned how things have changed!