Mumsnet is breaking my heart.

[chiaroscuro]

I see threads and think.. oh I went through that/that happened to me, perhaps I can help or get some insight and then the responses to the OP are that it is bullying, abuse on some level,

I am distraught and don't know whether to deregister , blank off certain subjects or what.
I am going to go for aw alk but what do I do?

Am I making myself more and more of a victim by seeing these things or do I have to let them all bubble to the surface and face tha fact that such a huge fucking chunk of my life was just a screwed up mess, as I am.

I am in counselling and on AD's. If you know who I am please please don't give me away as I am not sure that someone from RL reads my posts.

I've had enough, I really have. I just want some normality....

Although i'm the last person to talk, I think we have to let it bubble to the surface. If we keep on carrying around this guilt and anger, we're only making ourselves work.

Lord knows it's going to hurt like nothing else on earth and seeing other people going through it brings it back Every.Single.Time.

I figure though, that if we look at each part of the whole screw up, it will be easier to deal with than trying to look at it as one big ball of stupidity.

Please don't de-register from the site because I think that on some level, we are getting some comfort from knowing we're not alone even though it doesn't seem like it and we can still try and help each other through our pain.

I just wanted you to know that I'd read this and I feel the same as you do and I'm here if you ever want to talk.

xx

I meant making ourselves worse**

what do you mean OP? Is it that posts on here and the replies that they get are forcing you to face up to something that you don't want to accept?

Good question.

I lived in Egypt for 3 years, it literally was hell on earth, controlling abusive 'H', general population is utterly bonkers and totally not a place conducive to any kind of civilised life. I know some can hack it, but not me. Not ever.

The experience left me traumatised and suffering from agoraphobia.

I met someone on here that lived out there, OK not in the same place, but her life was almost identical, shitty H, bonkers neighbour/family, everyone after something, causing trouble for fun, all the same stuff I dealt with except she got to leave the house.

For the first week of emailing her, I cried every day. All day. It brought back every painful memory. But this poor woman needed me, she had no-one to talk to that would understand.

I knew from having been in her position how important my emails would be to her, that my discomfort was not important enough for me to stop talking to her. That for her to have someone who knew what she was enduring that just vanished and didn't reply back, when it's the only normal conversation you have with anyone would be cruel.

In a short while I learned to overcome the tears, and it got easier. Talking to her forced me to stop avoiding my own fears and sadness, forced me to understand that it happened TO me and that I had a right to be sad, traumatised and unhappy that it happened.

What I am trying to say to you is that rather than look at this and beat yourself up. Pat yourself on the back for having the courage to tackle the issues you are facing.

You say that a huge chuck of your life was a mess? Well, can we infer from that, that you are out of that situation then?

If that is the case Bloody Well DONE!

You got through it and now are dealing with the hang over. Every day that you carry on talking it out and thinking about what happened to you without shame, without reproach, is a day closer to the day when you will have put it all behind you and can get on with the business of living and living happily!

Obviously there will be threads that really do resonate with you, and may be more extreme than what you have been through.

There are some harrowing stories on here, but told by people who have strength, courage and tenacity, even if they don't quite know it themselves.

Perhaps some of the advice given to them might give you the golden key as to how you can deal with your experiences.

Perhaps reading about these marvellous people can help you see that others would only have sympathy for you, that it was not ever your fault and perhaps you ought to forgive yourself and start loving the woman you are.

If we can help YOU, you know that we will, whenever you are ready, dive right in.

LittleMiss what a lovely post.

I have to thank so many of the women (and men) on here for giving their time and sharing their experiences and wisdom. Coming on MN has literally saved my sanity at a time when I didn't think I had any choices.

I still have a lot to sort out in my head but now the future's looking bright and without MN I would be totally lost and seemingly without anything to look forward to. I hope that I can use my experiences to help some posters on here in the way that others have helped me.

chiaroscuro - maybe you need to take a break for a little while and come back when you're ready. Sometimes you just need to regroup and let it sink in a bit if it's all feeling a bit overwhelming.

i know what you mean about the crowd on here.
i was all excited and posted about my brand new man (of a week!) having flowers delivered to my work to show how much he liked me!
But all i got was a torrent of abuse telling mme that he was showing the classic signs of being a potential abuser, and one person even sent a link showing me all the signs to look out out for when you are being wary of an abusive man. Crazy bollocks!

Allgone, I said they were being silly and that it was lovely that you got flowers.

I do think that some people who've been victims of abuse get kind of paranoid and see it everywhere.

I think sometimes someone would post something that has happened to them but they have dealt with it and are managing fine, but then someone posts that they are a victim and should do XYZ and then the OP finds it much harder to move on and starts living the victim status.

allgone I remember that. Has he turned out to be lovely and are you still seeing him?

Allgone , you didnt get a torrent of abuse at all , one poster stated it was a loveley gesture but gently advised caution .

Loveley post LittleMiss.

I looked back at AGBU's thread and I remember reading it.

This isn't really about the OP, but I do think there are far too many accusations of abusive, controlling husbands. I accept I've had a fairly sheltered life, and this section of MN magnifies relationships and focuses on the negatives, but I just so often don't believe it when we hear from an OP having a problem with her DH, and we hear he's a controlling abuser because he said something nasty in a temper.

It detracts from the women who are suffering from abuse.

Thank you, I needed to walk.

Yes MsBoogie, very much that..

My little family went through hell. And in many ways we are in a very different place and a lot of it has been with the support of MN, for which I am deeply grateful.

It is personal issues, from childhood through to the end of my marriage before my Ex walked out. I didn't much think about what was 'happening' to me except that I was so deeply unhappy. A kind of insidious emotional abuse that kept me and my DS off footed and nearly pushed my DS into a bad place.
I have spent a lot of time investing in him, getting him back on track, as he so so deserved.

So though it is 16 months since Ex left I am in a strange place.

So the details of what I went through sort of got hazy. But if I stop, and give an example, which I have pushed and pushed away, is that on the night my daughter was conceived, I said no, he was drunk, not ragingly so, but not enough to listen. He was very heavy with being drunk. Does that make sense? Like he was more 'dense' in weight from not having full control, and he smelt strongly of beer, I didn't want to but he just didn't hear. So you just lie there.
Fall asleep sometimes still inside, not from the loving closeness, but drunk and snoring. Lying there feeling nothing. Lots and lots of nothing. What am I?... this man proclaimed to love me more than life itself.

The overwhelming cries on here to protect children and their emotional well being makes something scream inside for my 'inner child' because huge chunks of my childhood were just shit. And I was told over and over where I stood with my Fathers 'love'. He still does it but I am learning.

My counsellor has asked me to write post it notes of stuff that happened for a project to help separate issues and deal with them, but there is so so much. by the time I get to my teens alone I want to just run and hide.

I can distinguish between the normal crap that life throws at you. My first 'proper' boyfriend broke my heart but in a normal OK way, he didn't fuck with my head or play emotional games. I have a couple of memories like that. Normal trials of life... but the other stuff . I don't know where to put it all.

If I think of it happening to my DC's I want to smash things and move heaven and earth to protect them, make things as OK as a Mum can, but so often not only did my parents not do that, but especially my Dad was actually creating stuff that was more harmful than good. But he thinks he was right. I wouldn't even dream of saying some of the stuff to my DC's that he said to me. It makes you so small and invisible.

And then I married the man who carried on his work, funny, capable of kindness but the flip side of the coin, equally so of cruelty.

40 odd years of my life being on an emotional roller coaster and I don't know how to get off properly because I am just fucking lost.

Ex says it is my fault his relationship with our DC is suffering because he isn't back in the family home and can't engage with him properly and a small part of my brain says that is crap and wrong but the guilt just sits so heavily, it must be my fault because I am crap.
DS is being bullied and I tried to get him to take a part in picking up DS's pieces, because if I don't he says I am blocking him from their lives by not involving him in decisions about their wellbeing. So I try and he throws that at me.... 'how can I help when I am not here?'

Is he right because I DON'T KNOW?

You see this is what happens, there's a trigger, a thread about something and its like it all just boils over and I feel like I am drowning, I want to be more than the sum total of the worst of my life's experiences, but at the moment I don't know how to leave the scacbs alone. If I didn't have the DC's to balance me, I think I would just quit. My soul is tired.

I'm sorry, too much for too long.

This helps a little, offloading but I think I am just a bit weak and need to toughen up.
I might not be back today, but thanks for taking the time to read if you did.

Offering advice about situations you have had experience of is fantastic, but only if you have dealt with your own situation first.

You can't advise others on how to cope if you attention yet doing so yourself.

Steer clear of threads that hit that raw nerve, you are yet to reach an emotional detachment that allows you to view a situation objectively.

Start. Your own thread to deal with your ongoing issues.

It's like that old saying about sortinv your own back yard before helping the neighbour..... Or something like that.

Phipps - yes he is still very lovely and am still very much together!!

Thanks to those of you who were nice, and it was certainly more than one poster who puts negative comments on that thread - go and reread!!

ARE still very much together!

chiaroscuro that is a very brave post.

I have nothing to add to it but you are not alone because I am going through an almost identical situation with ex. My parents weren't much good either. It is very hard to know what is the right thing.

I have posted prolifically about my ex and I know and have had it confirmed that he is an awful, abusive man but I still doubt it and myself and find myself coming on here and name changing with the latest update because I still can't work out whether I am in the wrong or their was more I could have done. Am I screwing up my dc because it is in fact me that is the problem and I am not accepting enough of other peoples inperfections.

He slept with many other women
He had an affair when I was 7 months pregnant and during that time I remember him ringing up and shouting at me because I had forgotten to post his dads birthday card, I went out in the freezing icy cold slipping everywhere hugely pregnant to post this card and all the time he was having an affair with a 19 year old girl
He pawned all our stuff numereous times to go out drinking
He was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive to me numerous times
He is an alcoholic who spent much of the family income on alcohol

and so much more and yet I still can't quite believe that it wasn't actually mostly my fault, if I had just tired harder, if I hadn't made him feel trapped, if I hadn't nagged him then maybe he wouldn't have gone the way he did. He is so angry that I still get to live in the family home and he has to move out, he hates me for it. It is my problem he says so why should he have to go I should just put up with it for the sake of the kids. If I had to live with him again I think it would kill me and yet I still feel selfish.

"My soul is tired". I know that feeling, I am exhausted by life.

Oh, love. Your post broke my heart! I don't reply to problems here out of some altruistic desire to share my glorious wisdom - I do it for me, to help myself heal from the damages done by others in my past. When a post triggers me, like it does you, I reflect a little bit on how it triggered me - what, exactly, is this showing me about myself or about someone who was close to me? I use the insight I've gained (from therapy, from reading, and from other posters) to offer a perspective to the OP, and this helps me clarify my own thoughts & feelings. Fairly often, I end up writing a few pages in my journal while I'm figuring it out. Sometimes I have to do calming exercises if I've been very triggered.

I like your analogy with itching scabs! You know, scabs itch when they want to be picked off - the new skin underneath needs to be exposed to the fresh air & daylight, to make it grow strong and resilient :)

Last night, I was furious about the 'secret box' thread. Thinking about why I was so angry, I realised I have finally understood what a horrid thing my partners & relations did, reading my diaries and then throwing my own personal thoughts back in my face. At the time, I felt defeated ... Now I know that, with their prying and blaming, those people took it on themselves to judge my private thoughts and they were wrong! I've grown a new, much-needed, boundary - and reading the thread crystallised it for me :)

Wrt to your own situation, it looks as though you're still hoping your ex will turn into the kind of compassionate man who gives a shit about his child's emotional welfare, and would put himself out to help DS. In reality, will he? It's doubtful. Your ex is keeping you on a string by letting you hope he could, and would, help. Let it go. That is one area where this forum can really, really help you - so many women have been through similar pain. Disengage with the ex. Get an 'emotional divorce' - there is stacks and stacks of advice here, on how to do that.

Wishing you well.

Oh God, OP. You sound like you have been to hell and are still on the way back.

So, you have been abused your whole life. And you are living proof of the claims that you read on here that children who are abused go on to repeat the patterns and grow up to be abused as adults or become abusers themselves. BUT you have broken the cycle now and got your children out of it before it was too late. For this you should be very proud of yourself.

you are not wrong, you should not feel guilty about anything, you are a good mum and a brave woman. Your ex is a rapist and an abuser. What gives him the right to have any say at all in his children's upbringing? You are a better person than me, because if I were in in your shoes he would never have set eyes on them again after I left.

You have been hurt for a very, very long time and you have only been away from it for 16 months. I am no expert but I would have thought it would take a long time for you to heal from everything you have suffered. Your counselling may take years to get you to a better place.

I'm not surpirised you are tired of it all. You must be a very strong person to have survived this long. Have you had much to do with Women's Aid? They may be abe to help you. I think you still need help in being assertive with him.

oh and I can see why reading these threads would cause you grief. Your mind will process what you have been through in its own way and in your own time. Quote often people cannot process trauma until they are feeling safe and secure. Perhaps the stuff you read about on here is not healthy for you at this point in time?

"My counsellor has asked me to write post it notes of stuff that happened for a project to help separate issues and deal with them, but there is so so much. by the time I get to my teens alone I want to just run and hide."

Your counsellor has recognised that you lump it all together until you reach tipping point and can't deal with it any more, and practice avoidance.

I used to do that too. Break it all down and look at it all individually. Remember, this abuse was done TO you.

What was done to you shaped the way you dealt with things, shaped the choice of man you ended up with.

You were mistreated and your self esteem damaged. That was not your fault, but you were raised to think it.

You can stop it, you need to turn down the volume of the abusive men in your life, and start listening to others. Your counsellor, us, your friends, anyone with a positive input.

You have a lot going on, if some threads disturb you, you can hide them. When you are stronger you can think to yourself, challenge your thoughts and ask WHY does that thread hurt.

It's like the day I had a panic attack outside. I felt it coming on and rather than scuttle home, I sat and thought about what I was feeling and asking myself what I was afraid of. Stared it down if you like and it then held less power over me. I still get uneasy outside, but am getting better day by day.

Oh and please don't let that abusive ex of yours dump his guilt onto you. He left, he was the one that abandoned you and by the sounds of it, it was good that he did.

Stand up for yourself and tell him that, tell him that he'll have to work harder to have a relationship with them, but that tbh, if he conducts it the way he has with you, he'll end up doing more damage, so perhaps for them less contact would be better.

You could always insist on him accessing the children through a contact centre if you are afraid of his behaviour with you?

Do you have your mum nearby, could she give you some respite so you can physically rest for a while?

Meant to say, some of the incidents your counsellor is asking you to write down will be different examples of the same thing, so once you recognise that incident A is actually the same thing as incident D, you can deal with A&D as ONE thing, lessening your 'load'

be kind to yourself. you so deserve it!

Thank you LittleMiss, a lot of what you have written makes sense.

I can do OK for a while and then it is like I am suddenly on the fast scary bit of the roller coaster ride and I feel like I am losing control and everything is slipping away. And sometimes it is reading stuff on here that triggers that feeling.
I suppose avoiding those triggers for now might be kinder to myself. I sometimes feel so awful that others are suffering and reach out, but like QueenGigantaur says, perhaps I am not best placed at the moment.

MNmended, a lot of what you have written has resonated, even if the details are different. The drink thing impacted on our lives also .

ItsGrace, yes, there is a 'hope' that somehow the side of him that made life hell will melt away and things will be OK, and again, a huge chunk of me knows it not to be true and I don't know why I can't just disengage.
Maybe partly because there simply isn't anyone else for the DC's. Just me and him. My parents have limited contact, my Mum and Dad are still together and he is still abusive/controlling to my Mum, that is an area I am very very careful about. And could almost be a thread in itself..

They have two older brothers (MyDS's) but we barely see one and the other is an adult with his own life, and him and his girlfriend live quite a way away.

He can be (Ex) an amazing Dad and DS is filled with love for him, and then he is texting me from his Dad's saying he is unhappy because of the shouting.
I am dealing with it as I can.... very wary to what extent the shouting goes .

DS had problems at school, the school are very supportive and he is going through a court case re two assault incidents (he was victim).

I am learning that there are triggers Grace, but haven't gained the control just yet to be able to step back and recognise it. Maybe that is a next step.

I am , My neighbours helped, which was lovely, one day the older one offered me a much needed hug, and took the opportunity to feel my bum. So I am wary of him. And then a few months ago, the younger one started texting me about 'how pretty I looked' and making comments on FB that were certainly not appropriate. .

My brother was key to the abuse/assaults that occurred when I was young, and although we have had a 'balanced' relationship since we got older, I actually find it very difficult now to grasp what happened and to relate to him. Even more so since I have had my own children and find myself projecting what happened to me onto the stages they go through, it makes it very raw. Looking at my DD and thinking I was that age when X or Y happened . It makes me feel so hurt and vulnerable, even though I am now an adult and time has passed by.

So I do sometimes feel isolated and a bit overwhelmed. MN has been a lifeline and despite these posts, I do know we have made progress of sorts.

Thank you all again x

allgonebellyup - so glad it's going well - that thread had me in stitches - four warnings on the first page, for god's sake.

"the fast scary bit of the roller coaster ride and I feel like I am losing control and everything is slipping away"

Remember that YOU operate the roller coaster. You can stop it any time you want. When you feel things are getting away from you, literally stop yourself in your tracks and ask yourself (outloud) what's happening? Why am I scared, sad, freaked out, what's the worst that I imagine that would happen, really?

Challenge it. Every. Time.

It's what I did with my Aldi Car Park mini-melt I asked myself what I thought was going to happen by being outside.

When the answer came back, be found out, be discovered being outside. I literally told myself that it was OK and that I was allowed out and no-one would catch me. I was doing nothing wrong.

Only an example, but try and take a breath when you get anxious again and challenge your feelings.

They are false feelings, don't let them control you. you can control them!

It's not going to happen overnight, but you will get there. Surround yourself with those that make you feel good, lessen the time with those that make you feel weak.