please help

[DottyDolittle]

I am writing this on behalf of my friend

My friend has been married for 5 years and has a really good relationship with her DH. Never really had any problems.

She has suffered with PND and as a result of this has struggled to sleep. Things are a lot better now but she is still having to take sleeping tablets. Because of the tablets she is quite a heavy sleeper.

She said she woke last night after being in bed for several hours to find that her DH had his hand in her knickers and was using his fingers to touch her in an intimate way. She said she lay there for a while half asleep not really fully registering what was going on.

When she woke properly her DH kissed her and then they had sex. She said she was still half asleep and just wanted to go back to sleep.

She said she doenst' know why, but the fact that her husband was touching her when she was fast asleep is really bothering her and when she thinks about it she feels quite sick but doesn't know if she is over reacting.

Please help???

I really appreciate all your replies

I know I am not saying much but I am reading everything very carefully.

lots to think about

The fact that she feels uneasy and unhappy about it suggest that it is a problem in her relationship - people who are in happy relationships either have this kind of 'sleepy sex' together and both enjoy it or, if one partner instigates sex on the other's sleeping body in the misguided opinion that it will be welcomed, the woken-up one feels safe enough to say 'Get off! I'm not in the mood!' in the knowledge that an immediate apology will be forthcoming and it won't happen again.
YOur friend needs to talk to her H and tell him she didn't like it - how he reacts will give her an indication of what the situation is. Hopefully he will apologise and it will be obvious that he realises he was out of order. Unfortunately it's a lot more likely that he will either minimize it 'I wasn't fingerfucking you, I was just stroking you, you seemed to be enjoying it...' or the conversation will become all about how much he needs sex and how she is being unsatisfactory by not just lying there and letting him fuck away on her unresponsive body.

I know SGB, I've been trying to hold back from posting the possible negative responses from him.

But in case she's reading: If you say to your husband that you don't want him touching you while you're asleep and therefore unable to consent, the correct response from him is sorrow that he has made you feel uncomfortable, and a promise not to do it again. You can then discuss how to avoid - for both of your sakes - getting into this situation again, probably by him looking for a verbal response before he touches you like that again.

If he get angry - he is being an arse. If he tells you that you liked it really because you had sex afterwards - he is being an arse and not listening to you.

Don't forget your body is your own and always will be however long you've been married. You only have to have sex when you want it. Hope you are ok.

Exactly right, Elephants.

I have been known to occasionally stroke my husband in the morning to wake him up. I don't go near his genitals, because that would seem like a violation to me. But if I did, and he told me he was uncomfortable with it, I would be mortified.

It doesn't do any harm to imagine a man's behaviours as a woman's, if you see what I mean. We get so caught up in trying to imagine what a man is thinking, and really it just comes down to: would you do that to someone yourself? And if you did, and they told you it upset them, how would you react? Because the answer to those two questions is also the answer to the question: what treatment can you expect from others?

That's exactly what I was thinking Tortoise. I was imagining how I would feel if I had touched DP in some particular way while he was asleep, and he had told me afterwards that he didn't like it and would rather I didn't do it again. I would be mortified :( :( Would certainly remember and not do it again.

Like others, I think the fact that she obviously feels uncomfortable with this is the key indicator that it wasn't acceptable.

I love the idea of sleepy sex, and once said to DP that I'd be happy for him to wake me this way, but he's told me he wouldn't, as he would always want to make sure I was awake enough to properly consent, iyswim. I respect him for feeling this way.

I think she needs to speak to him initially, and hopefully his reaction will be complete mortification and apologies. Anything else and you may need a plan B, as it sounds as though his boundaries and idea of respect is seriously skewed.

I know moew than you think skeleton, don't be so bloody agressive!

more

God skeleton, anyone with half a brain would have worked out that there is no friend, I'm talking about myself! I pretended it was my friend because I'm embaressed and a bit scared, and was worried about posting.

Its a good job that I got lots of other nice, helpful posts before your nasty one because its enough to put someone off seeking much needed advice

I should never have posted here, just I have nobody to turn to in real life I can't deal with people being so aggressive

Will just leave it there now

Thanks all x

Dotty - there is clearly something very wrong. Especially the way you have reacted to Skeleton (whom most would disagree with on here).

It's almost as though your Dh has made you feel as though reacting in a negative way is making a mountain out of a molehill - hence your reaction to Skeleton? Am I way off the mark?

I think it is horrible behaviour of your H's btw and I would be very upset if mine did this to me.
There is early morning sex when both parties are possibly sleepy and accomodating - your situation does not sound like this at all.
FFS - being fingered when you just want to sleep is AWFUL - don't let anyone try to convince you that what you are feeling is wrong

I interpreted skeleton's post as aimed at anyone who seems to be assuming the worst of the DH when it may not be the case. She was advocating that dotty talk to her DH. Which is what others were saying too.

Come back dotty. You've had some valuable support here. People want to help.

Oh Dotty :(

I was afraid that was the case - seemed very early in the morning to have had that kind of conversation. How are you? Did you try to talk to him about it this morning?

Don't be scared, and don't be scared off. You know full well that none of us have implied that he is a rapist.

Hope you are alright.

I have a habit of climbing aboard dps 'morning glory'when he's fast asleep he dosen't complain, one of his favourite ways to wake up.

I think your friend needs to have a chat with her hubby before it all gets blown out of all proportion.

Tbh if their relationship is as good as you say i'm surprised she didn't say anything at the time it happened rather than going on to have full sex !

Dotty, has anything similar happened before, or is the first time?

Skeleton , you said earlier that threads like this make you sick. Well replys like yours make me feel sick , especially comments about knowing the full story , i dont see what differance a " back story " would make to what has happened .

It wouldnt make any differance if hes been a fantastic husband or an utter twat during their marriage , this incidant wasnt ok . There doesnt need to be more , its not ok on its own.

Your right though , there has been similar threads where it turns out that the wife hasnt actually TOLD the H she doesnt like it or to stop . Thats usually the comments a man makes in order to justify what hes done .

No man should have to be told to stop penetrating his sleeping , drugged depressed wife . Not once , not ever.

Just how hard is it exactly to tell that a partner isnt enjoying what your doing sexually ? Being unconscious / drugged or unaroused and unlubricated are usually clear signs.

You dont have to be a psychic to know that penetrating someone whos asleep , and continuing that for some time , isnt pleasant. I honestly hope that her Op is sincerley apologetic and doesnt offer any of the " reasons " that youve offered here .

Dotty , if your still around , do keep posting if you need to.

OP - can you talk to your H and just lay the facts on the table that this is not okay with you? Get your feelings in the open and set a boundary for the future? In my experience, sleeping tablets make you feel relaxed and dumb down responses in a person (eg at nighttime)so in the daytime when you are thinking now about this, your reactions are not influenced by the tablets. I may be stating the obvious but I know the effect that sleeping tablets have had on me, and I know that they dumb down reactions in me. As you say you have a good relationship, then I would expect him to respond positively and respect what you say, and that can be the end of the story on this. So, I hope, that this is the case for you. Please value your feelings of discomfort about someone else's (in this case your DH's) behaviour though and I hope that, as it is a good relationship, you can tell him simply 'don't like that. made me feel uncomfortable.please don't do that again.' and he will respect that. Also, taking on board you still have some PND, this will also make you feel less assertive. I am taking into account here that you say you have a good relationship because I can also look on it from the angle of you having PND, having trouble sleeping, having taken your tablets at night and your DH taking advantage/not respecting/having an exagerated sense of entitlement of his needs. I am leaving my opinion open on this as there are no more details about your relationship other than you have a good relationship. Maybe he was just being a bit ignorant and based on having a good relationship it can be sorted 'now' so it just doesn't happen again. End of story.

Just another thought. In a healthy relationship, yes, this can be sorted quickly, and a good partner will immediately take it on board and respond accordingly, respecting your wishes, in the future. If he doesn't, and it keeps happening, not only is the behaviour wrong from him, reoccurences of something like this eradicate a woman's self-esteem (speaking from experience). Please keep posting if it makes you feel better.

ok, with the extra info of penetration I also think it him taking advantage and don't think it's ok.

dignifed, 'back story' matters because we dont know if this is the first time he's done anything like this.

I dont see that it makes any differance whether he has or not , this incidant was very wrong of him . If she says hes never done it before there will be a range of excuses made for him ( like yours ) ie First offence / one off experiment . Thats really not ok. At all.

This may be the first time he's tried it, in which case its probably just that he thought he'd try something 'new' with his wife and made a pigs ear of it, with no sinister motive.

See i loathe auto responses like the above that minimize it and suggest he " just " thought this or that . For a start , he wasnt trying something new with his wife , his wife was asleep , this was something he did to her , not with her.

I dont think it helps to tell someone whos had a very upsetting experience that he was possibly experimenting , thought hed try something new , or got confused because she didnt tell him to stop . Even if he genuineley DID think those things , theres still a serious problem , he doesnt get to experiment on his wifes sleeping body , nor to decide to try something new without a discussion first.

I know that you , and others whove posted in a similar theme mean well and are trying to minimize upset to the op by offering excuses and possible reasons , but really , there isnt any reasons or excuses and it shouldnt have happened .