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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

You don't know how lucky you are to have people who listen until they're gone.

73 replies

EternalCynic · 08/11/2010 19:36

It has just occurred to me how indescribably wonderful organisations like the Samaritans and Women's Aid are. To be able to call someone and just have them listen to you...I can't praise it enough. I am currently feeling absolutely suicidal and have no one to call (don't worry, I've never been brave enough to actually go through with it). I don't even know why i'm posting this, just need to get it out I suppose. And to encourage others who perhaps may hesitate to call them...please do, you are so lucky to have access to such wonderful people. Sorry for the little rant folks, i hope you'll not mind as I genuinely don't know what else to do other than type this on Facebook and let all my friends know what a freak I am.

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 08/11/2010 20:07

Is there anyone in this country who could pay for a ticket for you? If any relative of mine was in that position, I'd do whatever it took.

Can you contact the embassy and ask them to arrange for you to fly back home and then your family will reimburse them? You can then reimburse your family when you are safe.

I can understand you not wanting to say which country you're in, but could you give us an idea?

Rhinestone · 08/11/2010 20:09

Yes, tell us 5 random countries but include the one you are in. I'll post a link to all the embassies in those countries.

loves2walk · 08/11/2010 20:09

It's not selfish to reach out to someone, they're family you need to use all the possible supports you can. Even if you think they can't do anything to help, even if you can't imagine how they can help, call them, try them, they need to know how distressing your situation is for you.

AnyFucker · 08/11/2010 20:11

EC...please contact someone in RL

you are in danger

EternalCynic · 08/11/2010 20:12

Thanks so much for the websites, i'll have a look in the morning. Hadn't thought of the embassy, maybe a good idea although i'm told they generally don't get involved in the way, say, an american embassy would (someone once told me they will deliver your post to jail for you, but no more...no idea if that's true!). I'm going to try and sleep, otherwise i'll really be in trouble at work tomorrow. Thanks for not telling me what an idiot i am, which is usually the response with H. I'll check back in the morning and have a mull over your advice. Thanks so much ladies, MN is proving a lifeline at the moment.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/11/2010 20:14

you are not an idiot, but somehow you have to clearly start plotting your escape and putting it into action

the longer you find excuses not to do that, the more trouble you are in x

AnyFucker · 08/11/2010 20:14

and you must not hurt yourself or you play right into his hands

Rhinestone · 08/11/2010 20:16

EC - you're not an idiot....you idiot! Grin I want to help you and I have most excellent taste in anonymous internet posters.

Please take a very quick look at the 'When things go wrong' section. They will do an awful lot more than deliver your mail - the consulate is there to HELP you.

Read the section at the front of your passport - the wonderfully snotty bit about The Queen - no less - requesting and requiring that you're given every assistance and then call the embassy.

Alaya · 08/11/2010 20:36

EC, you are most definitely not an idiot but what you are is in danger and you need to do what AF says and make escape plans.

From what you've said (and please forgive me if I'm wrong), you're in an Islamic country and yes, it is hard to get around in those circumstances but it can be done.

Please get to the embassy as fast as you can possibly manage it and let them help.

LittleMissHissyFit · 08/11/2010 20:42

.

LittleMissHissyFit · 08/11/2010 21:02

EC, I lived in Egypt for 3 years.

I know what methods these 'men' use to control, and suffered literally every day. The only reasons I didn't walk into the sea is one, because of my son, and two because I would never want to end my life in that god forsaken hole.

If you are in Alex, I can try and get help to you, if you are elsewhere in Egypt, I may be able to try and sort something.

If you are in another similar country then there may be a mumsnetter there, but in the meantime please email your embassy, ask them for help.

Do you have anyone in the UK that could cover your expenses and help you once you got home? That may help when asking the Embassy for assistance.

There are fora such as expatfocus and expat exchange that can put you in touch with local expats to help you with logistics in the meantime.

Now, the water. Boil some and allow to cool. You'll be able to drink it then. If you want to cool it quickly put it in a cup and put that cup in cold water.

Are you legal in the country? Do you have your passport? How long have you been there and do you have a ticket home?

If not, then you are going to have to appeal to the Embassy and ask them to loan you the ticket, and explain that you are in extreme danger, have suffered domestic violence, are afraid for your life and need immediate evacuation. You can't go to the police, that's not going to help.

Call the embassy as soon as they are open, do some homework as to what the Foreign office can and can not do and come back to us. If anyone of us is in your region, we will do whatever we can to get you the hell out of there.

Thinking of you EC, know that I know quite a bit of what you are going through. It'll be OK, you'll be OK.

Rhinestone · 08/11/2010 21:06

Great post LMHF.

LittleMissHissyFit · 08/11/2010 21:08

Cheers, Rhinestone, good to know the hell I put up with may be of some use to someone.

AnyFucker · 08/11/2010 21:10

oh good, hissy has rocked up (finally) x

LittleMissHissyFit · 08/11/2010 21:26

LOL, new smart phone.. had to do a cram OU course to work out how to work it...

If it's Saudi we can give MoS a tug...

Hmm, we could always have a roll call.. so EC could get someone on the ground as it were?

Even if it's just to get her into a car to get to the embassy/airport..

Guessing she is asleep now anyway.

BohoHobo · 08/11/2010 22:26

Gosh what an awful awful situation, you've had excellent advice, please please plan your escape.

LittleMissHissyFit · 09/11/2010 10:34

Checking in EC, thinking of you.

JamieLeeCurtis · 09/11/2010 10:38

Hope you are OK EC.

Rhinestone · 09/11/2010 13:53

EC - come back and tell us how you are.

EternalCynic · 10/11/2010 19:48

Sorry to not have updated sooner, have been so busy with work.

Well tonight I think things reached breaking point. I was in bed trying to sleep and I heard him leaving (at 10pm) so I went out to see - he was carrying a cocktail shaker full of vodka. I told him he can't take the car with that and he flipped, slapped me twice in the face, pulled me by my hair onto the floor and kicked me. I (probably not very clever) swore and told him he's not a man, he's weak to do that. He of course got even more angry and strangled me, and then he held a bloody knife to my throat. I can't even believe I'm typing this. I'm in floods of tears. He tried to take my house keys so he could lock me in, but I managed to grab them.

I have called my mum and told her, so I suppose there's no going back now. Is it crazy to be devastated about that? About the relationship ending rather than the violence? My mum is abroad right now (as in not in the UK), but she told me if I feel like he could come back tonight then I need to get out - in all honesty I only have one friend here who's house I could go to, but she's asleep (called and no answer). I told my mum I'm worried he'll call the police (he could just make something up and I'd be screwed, as he's from the same part of the world as them and little things like 'evidence' are not always needed to get someone into jail). Feel a little better about this worry as my mum told me that if he plays dirty, she will too, and she is not someone to be messed with.

So...in the long term (as in over the next week or so), I need to cancel my rental contract, I need to try and sell the car (he has just called to verbally abuse me and kindly informed me that he will bring the car back as he wants nothing to do with me - told him he needs to transfer it into my name and he was just rude, but I think he'll do it).

In the short term (i.e. tonight) I don't know what to do. Don't have much cash so hotel is not an option, and I wouldn't want to do ANYTHING that gives even the slightest impression that I could be with someone else, as that could get me locked up too - am worried a hotel might be seen as promiscuous...friend is asleep...so I think I'll have to just sit and wait until morning. I have packed a little suitcase which is next to the front door, and am dressed. Have my passport, driver's license, have a copy of my rental contract on my laptop...my brain is such a mess I don't know if I'm forgetting anything.

I know this sounds pathetic but I am really worried about the cat...I can't just leave her here at the risk of not being fed/watered, it's too horrible to imagine.

We need to sort out a divorce - we were married in the courts here, and if a man petitions I believe it's granted the same day, but if I do then it is a long process. I know he won't petition. There's no way. So that's something I need to do. everything is closed here though next week for Eid, which makes things harder.

Sorry, I'm just typing to try and get things straight in my mind.

OP posts:
PercyPigPie · 10/11/2010 21:01

Rhinestone - I don't think your earlier link worked btw

PercyPigPie · 10/11/2010 21:06

Sorry, I wasn't ignoring your long post above mine EC, I hadn't read down that far.

Have you tried to contact the embassy? if you go that route, selling the car etc may not be necessary (& they may be able to sort out a home for the cat too).

JamieLeeCurtis · 10/11/2010 22:53

God, I don't know what to say to help . This sounds so so dangerous. Glad you have told your mum. Bumping for you

Take care

scallopsrgreat · 10/11/2010 23:15

EC - you have to think about yourself. You are in danger. Forget the rental agreement/divorce etc. They can all be sorted out from another country if necessary. You have to think about getting out of this situation ASAP.

Ring the embassy. Until you speak to them you don't know what they can do for you. Do you have a credit card? If so, book a flight out of there now! Worry about paying for it back in the UK.

If you go to work tomorrow take your bag with you. Don't let your passport out of your sight. Really really avoid seeing your H if you can. Keep yourself safe.

As for the cat - ask the embassy, ask your friend. You have to switch your attention to yourself and extracating yourself from this situation - whatever it takes.

LittleMissHissyFit · 11/11/2010 09:36

EC, walk away, sod the car, sod it all.

Call your friend this morning and get it arranged to get over there as soon as possible. The cat can be taken care of by someone else. Fundamentally, you have to place your own safety ahead of a cat.

Your LIFE is at stake here.

Once you are in a safe place (your friend's) you can call the embassy and find out what help they can give you.

Tell them everything you told us here.

Get out, get out, get out.

Come back and let us know how you are, I am really worried about you.

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