When did you say 'enough is enough' with your relationship?

[dammedeitherway]

I thought I was struggling with dh before but it seems we have hit a new low. The problem in our marriage is that it is alomst impossible to resolve anything with dh though I realise this must be due to me also. We have always had a few issues in our reltionship but these used to be interspersed with quite long periods of happiness and we rarely argue on family days out. dh actually said to be when we were out for the day recently 'its a shame we argue so much at home, i really enjoy days out like this'. it was a true and sad statement but that was about a month ago and things seem to be heading downhill even faster. we argue contantly and if we are not i feel irritated with him all the time.

dh cannot support any kind of emotional reactions from me about anything. he thinks to get angry (him) is very natural and ok but tears and saddness (me), is unreaosnable/borderline hysterical. hence why we never resolve anything. that and the fact that dh seems to value 'winning' and argument over resolving the issue and does the whole point scoring thing which puts me off talking to him about much because it doesn't help and makes me cross/sad.

I have realised I am agitated, confrontational and agressive all the time now whereas I think I was quite calm and reasonable in comparisom in the past. I feel like Sadra Bullock's character in the film Crash when she says 'i'm just so angry ALL THE TIME' Except its not all the time, its when dh is here. He works away long periods away and although I miss him and get a bit lonely in the evenings, in general mine and dd's life is very calm and orderly and happy. i have said some quite nasty things to dh in cold blood lately. i cant judge whether he has provoked me or whether its because i have stopped caring about his feelings anymore because of his behaviour or even i was just really out of order.

i dont want to break up my family. dd is 13 months. but i wonder if i did that in the future i will look back and wonder why i stuck it so long? the usual reasons i suppose, security and not wanting to be alone.

When did you say to yourself 'i've had enough' and leave?

realise this post might be bit unclear/rambly - just don't know where to start really :-(

Crikey, are you married to my XH?? I think once that feeling of constant irritation (XH once used the word "contempt") sets in, it's very hard to find a way back unless you're both prepared to put a lot of work in to change the dynamic.

I finally ended it when he snapped at me one day. It was over a conversation about whether work made him happy, and he replied that it did, but I didn't. That was the lightbulb moment.

There were an awful lot of issues going on in the background though for me. Could you face counselling with your H?

I can identify with your situation OP. The positive is you say there were periods of happiness with your dh. Are past issues between you causing a problem now in your relationship? Are they unresolved? Is it possible for the two of you to sit down and talk about it and a way ahead? My experience, unfortunately, is that of severe frustration from being confronted with a P who purposely chooses not to attempt to solve anything and is more interested in scoring points. And it makes you very angry. Or, if not, would he consider going to counselling?

I have been told - 'you will know yourself when it is time to call it a day'. And I think that that time does not have to be because of another big thing happening in the relationship, it can be because a small thing happens which finally tips the scales to 'enough - no more', or you feel 'I don't want to do this any more'.

Or - I am fed up with being permanently unhappy in this.

In my case it was the day shortly after we bought a house together when my dad gave us a small table.
I said DS1 needed it in his room.
XDP said it was going somewhere else and if it didn't he would pack his things and move out.
That was the last straw. He really was prepared to do anything at all to get his own way over the most trivial incidents.

I feel exactly the same

I have a thread on here (must be on the second page now) "Is he a slefish ba*tard or am I over-reacting?"

Sorry I don't have any words of wisdom but your OH sounds exactly like mine (actually it hurts right now calling him 'mine' when I'm pretty sure he has left me mentally)

Just to let you know you are not alone.

It was when I was really struggling to see a way out and realised one of the options i was considering was suicide as my life insurance would pay mortgage and most of school fees so Dds would have as little upset as possible. My judgement was so skewed I seriously thought it would be better for them if I died rather than split the family up.

Luckily I then realised that a situation that made me feel so worthless was colouring my judgement.

And when I finally walked away, exh was upset cause couldn't keep the house not because was losing me. Hmmm, wonder where those worthless feelings were coming from !

dammed does my H live with you for half the week?? as to when do you say enough is enough i don't know everyone has their tipping point, mine came in April when H told me to fuck off in front of my entire family including small kids and then stormed out, over something small and insignificant,doesn't sound like much but it was the last straw in a very long line of verbal and emotional abuse, and something inside of me just snapped and thought i cant live the rest of my life like this, (we have tried and tried to resolve things for a long time, ) and i am now in the process of preparing the way for me to end it.

Sometimes I so so wish I could join these sort of threads. But my husband just ran away to bangland.

I feel really quite cheated of the opportunity to actually help

No to mention cheated of child support and a father for ds and..oh a milluion things.

Like ds pooing in his pants and he has only just gone to bed. and i am so utterly bloodty criminally shattered all the time.

Your comment that the bad bits used to be the minority in the midst of lots of good bits hit a cord with me.

With my XP I finally realised it had to end when we went out and had a really lovely day together, just went for a walk and had a nice lunch. Nothing special when you think about it but I suddenly realised that I couldn't remember the last time we had just had a nice day together and I hadn't felt miserable with him. Really it was this that made me realise that the good/bad balance had shifted and I was missing out on a whole lot of nice days by staying with him.

I know exactly how you feel!

Never posted on here before but was so amazed to see pretty much the state of my marriage described on the page it made me want to post something.

I am sorry that I have no advice to offer dammedeitherway (fantastic name by the way) but I will watch this thread with interest because I need the same advice too I think!!

From what you have said it sounds like your DH has a very immature way of communicating and of dealing with emotion. That would need to change drastically before you could salvage this relationship. Would he consider counselling?

It's usually easy to see from posts if there is a glimmer of hope in a relationship and I definitely think there is in yours. Thing is to pull it back from the bad place it is in now would take a lot of hard work on both your parts and your DH has to be as willing as you are to invest time and effort in it. Do you think he would be?

It's good that you say there are definitely good times, that's where the glimmer of hope comes in. Apart from that it sounds like you have both gotten in rut of reacting to each other in set, destructive ways that keep you going around in circles. You need to learn ways of getting out of that rut or things will never get better.

How are the various parts of your life together? Is DH a good dad, does he do his fair share around the house? I know it probably doesn't help much but a lot of people see an emotional reaction such as crying as criticism or threat. He may be so uncomfortable seeing you upset that he gets angry rather than trying to respond to it in a calm way.

When i sat there one day and thought "we had this conversation two years ago. And if I stay with him, we'll have it five years time and then in ten years time".

And I didn't want to live like tht for the next five / ten years.

What about the response I had from H that 'he doesn't give a s... about our marriage'.?

When, after 6 months in relate, he still could not be honest with me, when I hated the sound of his voice, when I could not bear him to touch me, when he sabotaged every friendship of mine, when I realised that I still felt the same sense of disappointment that I had felt the previous year(s), when he still had not made the effort to 'change' (as I clearly had the problem), when I realised that I did not have to put up with being unhappy because I had married him and I was HIS wife, when I realised that the marriage was actually making me ill.
I just knew I had to end it. Best decision I ever made.

berries I had one of those moments too walking across the supermarket car park I suddenly thought that if a car ran me down I wouldn't have to go home and have a "talk" with DH. This was after six months of Relate and I knew it was doomed.

Eventually the crunch was the night DH said if I wouldnt have sex with him we couldn't stay married. Next day I went and found a house to move into.

some really good posts on here.

When I realised I was getting nothing good from our relationship, and that was a good enough reason to leave. He was happy, because he was getting everything he wanted. But I was miserable, because he was essentially a cocklodger. And not even good at the cock thing.

We had no children, so it was a much less complicated decision for me.

Your DH's discomfort with you expressing negative emotion (but he's allowed to) is a huge issue. If it was not resolved, that would definitely be a deal-breaker for me. I think only you can say when enough time and effort has been spent on trying to resolve it. But do bear in mind that this is something he needs to work on, not you. I agree with other posters that counselling may help with this.

However, if he is either unwilling or unable to change, spending the rest of your life suppressing every negative emotion you feel would be a terrible way to live.

I finally ended it with my Ex after he had been aggressive towards me 5 times. . . .i just thought 'thats it '. . . i cant live like this with ny dp being physical towards me and infront of the kids. I had taken so much verbal abuse and disregard but the physical was the last straw..I can never forgive him for that ..I still hate him now and wish him nothing good.

Haven't read the thread yet but the title grabbed me

For me it was when he - he already had twins with someone that he hid from me till I met her with them - took me to his house (was a LDR Long Distance Relationship)and the daughter of his "sister" called him DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(still took a few months to sink in tho

Out of all of them that takes the !!

When it makes you ill and you feel like you are going mad.

When you feel strong enough to be on your own.

And when you have become so detached that you can't be arsed to make an effort to improve things.

wow thanks for all the replies - not been back to look for a couple of days because dh has been here alot and guess what we have been having screaming rows.

writerofdreams - you hit the nail on the head about the immature way of dealing with emotion. he thinks that his tantrum throwing is completely reasonable but that my getting upset and crying is very unreasonable and something i can control. he gets very annoyed if i cry as if he thinks it is something i do to try and manipulate him. this is more of an issue than anything really. he ownt admit it but i often get the impression he thinks i am trying to dupe him somehow and he cannot be anything but confrontaqtional and agressive incase i manage to screw him over somehow. of ocurse he also does the relentless point scoring too in arguments which make me feel as if i shouldn't take him seriously anyway. why should i compromise and try and resove things when he behaves like such a child?

our relationship is very up and down. mostly because dh works away for weeks at a time. we always argue when he gets back - i think its mostly a territory thing but also because i am used to organising dd and i on my own for 80% of the time i find it very difficult when he is here. i am desperate for him to come home and help me/give me a break but i sson realise life is much more stressful when he is here. most of the time when he is away we talk half a dozen times a day and get on great. we also get on fine when we are out and about - even if dd isn't with us. we had a babysitter and went for a run together last night which we used to do 3 times a week before dd. it was great and dh was very loving and mourning the fact that we dont' get on like that all the time. we made a pact that i promised to stop getting stressed with him in the house and that if i complained he was absolutely not allowed to get huffy, that he must just say 'dammed, you promised you wouldn't do this'. in return i made him promise that if he had a row he wasn't to drag things up that happened years ago to sidetrack the argument. he does this all the time and its exasperating.

i think i have worked out that the relatuionship ticks over most of the time until some kind of stressful situation comes along - this week dd began nursery settling and we have been waiting for a pay check for weeks (arrived today thank god) and then the marriage seems to go to pieces instantly. a few weeks ago i took my first driving test and i admit i was very stressy but dh was awful and escalted rows as much as he could. meh

thanks for all the replies i will read them all thoroughly later on xx

Damned: Ask yourself how much of your irritation with H when he is in the house is because he does no domestic work and in fact makes extra work for you by his presence. Are your 'promises' to each other in fact a deal whereby you shut up, indulge and service him, in exchange for which he promises not to tantrum? Because if so, what exactly is the advantage to you in this deal?

it amazes me how many women i know that are married/ living with men that cant cope at all when the women has a problem/operation/stressful situation, bereavement etc they seem to just throw a fit or behave very childishly, time and time again i see it, my H is the same, it even extends to if its my birthday he plays up, every Xmas, when i had an operation etc, but if he has a stressful situation to deal with i am expected to be the shoulder to cry on, to pamper him a bit, cook a nice meal make him tea, give him some space to think and get his head around it all, but if its me, NO CHANCE.