When did you say 'enough is enough' with your relationship?

[dammedeitherway]

I thought I was struggling with dh before but it seems we have hit a new low. The problem in our marriage is that it is alomst impossible to resolve anything with dh though I realise this must be due to me also. We have always had a few issues in our reltionship but these used to be interspersed with quite long periods of happiness and we rarely argue on family days out. dh actually said to be when we were out for the day recently 'its a shame we argue so much at home, i really enjoy days out like this'. it was a true and sad statement but that was about a month ago and things seem to be heading downhill even faster. we argue contantly and if we are not i feel irritated with him all the time.

dh cannot support any kind of emotional reactions from me about anything. he thinks to get angry (him) is very natural and ok but tears and saddness (me), is unreaosnable/borderline hysterical. hence why we never resolve anything. that and the fact that dh seems to value 'winning' and argument over resolving the issue and does the whole point scoring thing which puts me off talking to him about much because it doesn't help and makes me cross/sad.

I have realised I am agitated, confrontational and agressive all the time now whereas I think I was quite calm and reasonable in comparisom in the past. I feel like Sadra Bullock's character in the film Crash when she says 'i'm just so angry ALL THE TIME' Except its not all the time, its when dh is here. He works away long periods away and although I miss him and get a bit lonely in the evenings, in general mine and dd's life is very calm and orderly and happy. i have said some quite nasty things to dh in cold blood lately. i cant judge whether he has provoked me or whether its because i have stopped caring about his feelings anymore because of his behaviour or even i was just really out of order.

i dont want to break up my family. dd is 13 months. but i wonder if i did that in the future i will look back and wonder why i stuck it so long? the usual reasons i suppose, security and not wanting to be alone.

When did you say to yourself 'i've had enough' and leave?

realise this post might be bit unclear/rambly - just don't know where to start really :-(

sparling - ironically its not lack of domestic work thats the problem - quite the opposite. i can't lie - dh does ALOT of housework and really enjoys cleaning etc and in that way looks after me really well BUT he will insist on doing hw to the detriment of our relationship. i remember a few years ago was the very best example of this. we went through a rough patch but made up and i told him i would only stay if we went away for the weekend and spent some time together. he readily agreed and i invited his family over for dinner the night before we went - that was my choice i love having people over to cook and dh is quite helpful. anyway so we had this lovely meal and the next day we were due to drive about 2 hours, spend the day/night/next day doingp lanned activities and dually agreed town. dh insisted on cleaning the kitchen top to bottom before we left and refused to leave anything -we were going away for ione night!. we left at 2pm finally, had car trouble and got to the hotel when it was dark. i was sobbing by the time we left and dh could well se how much this was upsetting me but to no avail. dont get me wrong i appreciate a bloke who pulls his weight but i appreciate him more on the rare occasions when he can say 'eff it lets drop everything and have fun'. he is like this to a lesser degree. he is i suppose a bit like a child with add. it has taken me years to get him to sit at the table, wait until everyone is ready to eat and wait there until the mral has ended before he gets up and starts farting around with things that DO NOT NEED TO BE DONE RIGHT AT THAT SECOND. since dd has got bigger and more fun to play with he has improved alot in this regard and he knows it drives me bloody mad (its not just the mealtime thing that was just an example iyswim) he starts doing washing up etc in the middle of arguments which although has to be done i find it really disrespectful that he cant just sit donw and ralk to me like an adult - it a diversion technique.
i feel like i spend far too much time watching him pratting around, waiting for some family time - hence why we get on much better away from the house.

we have had a good couple of days so i feel a bit guilty about this thread - we have booked a holiday which i expect will be lovely because he cant do much of the things which irritate me/things which cause arugments usually are unlikely to factor. but then again next time we row i will be siitng there thinking theis is bloody ridiculous can i really hack him for the rest of my life.

susiedaisy - yes that is exactly how dh is. for my birthdsy when i was 6 months preg with dd, dh took me away fo

r the weekend, out for a spendy meal and still picked a fight in the hotle room afterwards and wrecked it for me.

Hmm. Have you ever talked to him in calmer moments about why he insists on doing all the washing up or little jobs when doing so is distressing you? Because while he may be doing this sort of thing to undermine you and put you in your place, he may also be doing it because he has some sort of anxiety issues and the more distressed or annoyed you become, the more he feels compelled to fiddle about or do chores as a way of restoring some sort of 'order' in his perceptions.

I knew it was over when I started looking at dating websites and imagining meeting somone else.

sparkling- you are good at this :-) i tease him and say he is a bit asd that way. this is exactly what happens as you say but i dont know what to do about it?

seems like all these little things have resulted in me being irritated so much of the time. i get so much more annoyed straight away when before it used to take much more. sometimes i wonder if i am a bit asd too. i would be less cross if he would say 'i am going to the gym a bit later on when i feel like it (truth)' in stead of 'right i'm going to the gym then (said in purposeful, bust voice whilst striding purposefully toward the front door)' (lie) (and what this means is 'ive told you i'm doing something so you cant engage me in anything/ask me to do chores etc etc)

Damned - Gawd, I could've written most of this... especially the part about constant irritation and the fact that your relationship's fine until you get to a contentious issue.
I feel dreadful about the constant irritation because my DH is being lovely and really making such an effort recently (since we nearly split up a month ago) but for some reason I just feel so prickly when he's home. I genuinely feel like he has an ulterior motive for saying many things. For example, if he does something which he KNOWS might have annoyed me (like being late home or something) he will always ask "you alright?" It's really hard to explain on here but his tone and the look on his face makes it blatantly apparent that he's not really enquiring after my welfare, in fact he's testing my mood. If I respond with anything less than a perfect, breezy, "Yes darling, I'm fine" he'll get really stroppy and we'll have a row - it's like he forces me to complain about what he's done rather than let me be quietly peed off over a trivial matter for a few minutes...

Blimey, this is coming over all wrong... it never sounds right ona forum!

Just wanted you to know that I know exactly what you're going through.

I feel even more guilty because he's really putting in the effort but I'm not sure I even want it to work anymore... that makes me sound like a really terrible person doesn't it?

Vixen, I know exactly what you're talking about.
Except in our case DH says - "is there a problem?", but exactly the same behaviour.
Drives me bonkers.

Phew, glad it's not just me! It's other things too, I feel like he hardly ever says what he thinks he just insinuates all the time - makes it very hard to defend my point of view!

Coffeeinbed - How's the rest of your marriage? Do you let these comments pass as being something that just annoys you about him or does it cause mega problems?

I try to let them pass - you know, doing the all breezy thing but it's wearing me down.
But I know that he knows how I will feel when he says/does it yet he still does.

vixen and coffee - yes, funnily enough i also have the fake 'are you ok' if he's really stewing its just 'ok?' when he's actually daring me to say no. if i say no he goes back to being silent, if i say yes i feel like i can't discuss it any further - that he's backed me into a corner.

we are about to go away for the weekend to see friends and family. because we are out of the house i doubt we will argue much. we are driving (no trains to catch etc - always effing nightmare with him) and we are seeing people that he likes (i do too, the friends we are visitng are mine so i'm not being ripped off) and apart from being a bit tired it will probably be ok which makes me feel super guilty until the next time we row.

relaised today its not just irritation. its anxiety about potential conflict as well. i needed to get something done in town today and it has taken much longer than expected and will kind of interfere with travel plans. i was really quite anxious phoning dh to tell him because he can be really, really difficult about htings like that and i was fully anticipating being stressed the rest of the day. in the end i sent a text saying 'blah has happend - not sure what to do'. even though i knew what we would have to do - just so he didnt get all shirty about it and make an atmosphere. i dunno - maybe thats just being diplomatic but i dont think i should have to walk on eggshells all the time just to keep the peace.

For me it was when she wrote me a note saying what she wanted from a husband and I realised that I didn't want to be the person she was describing.

It was the hardest decision I've ever had to take but there was such a sense of relief when I finally did it.