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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just found porn sites on hubbies computer

64 replies

lollypoplady · 08/11/2010 15:26

Am feeling a bit like I've been cheated on, it's all a bit confusing can't work out exactly how I feel?! I'm 8 months pregnant with DC 3 and we haven't had sex since baby was concieved....

OP posts:
JustAnother · 08/11/2010 22:00

Some porn might be. The kind of porn I have occasionally seen doesn't seem harmful to me. Just people, mostly women, having sex. Sorry, but I really don't have a problem with that kind of porn, although I accept other women do.

AnyFucker · 08/11/2010 22:13

that is your prerogative, of course

I tend to see it as all part of a continuum though, and the social aspects of the increasing ornification (as the mother of a teenage daughter) makes me unable to dismiss "some" porn as ok, and others not

who knows who is coerced, who knows who is so desperate for drug money this is all they can do ?

no, I don't want it in my life, thank you very much...and I would much rather it didn't form such a huge proportion of what is seen as increasingly acceptable in the treatment of all women, but especially very young girls (and boys)

AnyFucker · 08/11/2010 22:14

pornification

although I guess "ornification" just about covers it too Grin

Georgimama · 08/11/2010 22:23

I don't really understand the orthodoxy of MN which proclaims there is something abnormal about a man who doesn't much fancy having sex with a heavily pregnant woman, even if she is his much loved wife. My husband didn't want to, and I can't much blame him. I didn't feel like it either. Perfectly normal marriage, perfectly normal sex life before and since.

Snorbs · 08/11/2010 23:05

Georgimama, I know what you mean. Any bloke who shows the slightest hesitation in wanting to have sex with his pregnant partner seems to be labelled as either having some deep-seated ishoos, or being deliberately cruelly neglectful to his DP, or just pig-ignorant about the location of cervix and uterus compared to the length of his penis.

I'm a bloke. When my (then) DP was pregnant with our first I was very hesitant to have sex with her. Not because I didn't think she was attractive and sexy - she was. And not because I didn't understand the whole "you're not going to poke the baby in the eye" thing. I did.

But this was our first child. The whole pregnancy was both magical and scary. I'd read enough books from Miriam Stoppard et al to know that there are a hundred and one things that can go wrong in an apparently healthy pregnancy. I would never have been able to forgive myself if we'd had sex and then a few days later some complication set in.

Even if, logically, there would be no real chance of a connection between the two, the base fear of that coincidence happening threw a large bucket of icy water on my libido.

By the time of my DP's second pregnancy we both felt a lot more confident about what was going on and the actual risks and so those irrational fears largely disappeared.

I'm not saying that what I felt at the time is what all men think. But I did want to counter the "If a man doesn't want to have sex with his pregnant wife then he's got some weird madonna/whore thing going on" nastiness.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 08/11/2010 23:10

Snorbs This is the OP's third child. Did you use porn rather than have sex with your wife when she was pregnant, even though she really wanted to have sex?

Likewise Georgiamama you didn't want sex with your partner while pregnant, whereas the OP does want sex. How would you have felt if your sexual needs were being ignored in favour of masturbation to porn?

Georgimama · 09/11/2010 05:53

I'd think that my husband's preference to not have sex with a heavily pregnant woman was, being a temporary inconvenience to me, perfectly reasonable, just as my preference not to have sex at other times is a perfectly reasonable temporary inconvenience to him.

Can no one see the double standard here? The countless threads I've read about women whose husbands are pressuring them for sex when they don't feel like it due to various reasons - how the board resounds with the cries of "passive aggressive" "misogynist" "toxic relationship" and the other favourite stock in trade phrases.

Double standards much?

BTW normal adults masturbate. This is allowed. I doubt a man who has never used porn before turns to it just in these circumstances. The OP's husband has probably always used it, she's just found out about it.

allgonebellyup · 09/11/2010 09:16

Sorry, but this is completely normal.
It would be weird if he DIDNT watch porn,imo.

AnyFucker · 09/11/2010 09:22

weird to not watch porn

hooo-kaayyy Hmm

allgonebellyup · 09/11/2010 09:27

Well, i bet 99% of all the men you know do it. i guarantee!!

And i bet not many men wank either? they just wait for lovely sex with their wife and never think of other women??!!!
Get real!!
It shouldnt really bother anyone, its just life! Smile

AnyFucker · 09/11/2010 09:29

I wasn't talking about wanking

and yes, many men do watch porn, I didn't say they did not

but weird not to ? nope...

allgonebellyup · 09/11/2010 09:40

Ok, i didnt mean weird.
I meant unusual.

AnyFucker · 09/11/2010 09:43

ok, I get ya Smile

although I don't agree that women should just roll over and "accept it as part of life", but that is another discussion

sanebrain · 09/11/2010 14:24

This topic keeps coming up; I posted similar last week, though I am 6 months ahead of you now having second child who is 5 months old.
My DP has used porn since teenage years; there's something about habit, something about how easy it is, that it is used when you don't have access to a gf/partner/wife etc.
I fully get where you are coming from: you're willing and able; keen, in fact; however - not feeling your most attractive etc.
Talking is the only way forward - we did talk after having tried a couple of times to discuss... and it's a work in progress. But he is clear about how I feel and how it makes me feel.
Good luck with talking and the baby.

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