Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Slept with someone while broken up.

36 replies

brokengirl · 08/11/2010 04:39

I have been with my boyfriend for a long time over 5years dating off and on. We recently broke up beceause he was always accusing me of lying and he was always in a bad mood due to some medications he was on. I thought we were over for good and about a month later a made a mistake with another guy. I felt extremly guilty bc afterall I loved my ex., but I was single right?... Well two months later my ex calls begging for me back and promising change. We are back togehter now. Things are going pretty good but Should i tell him i slipped up while we were broken up? I feel like he will accuse me of cheating even though i really didnt. Recently he has been making wierd comments like. I know you talked to someone else or selpt with someone beaceuse your acting different. I think Im acting the same. What should i do. Just continue as if it never happend and not tell him? I love him so much and would hate to hurt him. Im already living with this disgust of myself.

OP posts:

MadAboutQuavers · 08/11/2010 05:00

He's fishing for info by trying to manipulate you into telling him what you got up to whilst you were split up

You were split up. This means you were not in a relationship with your ex. This means you had no obligation or responsibility to him. So why are you feeling disgust at yourself?

MadAboutQuavers · 08/11/2010 05:03

Oh, and don't tell him if you don't want to. It's none of his business, really, and by the sounds of it, your DP couldn't handle the idea of you sleeping with someone else, as he's fishing so insistently

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 08/11/2010 05:36

Why are you with a man who constantly accuses you of lying, and makes you feel disgusted with yourself about sleeping with a single bloke while you were single?

All of this fishing that he's doing - and he IS fishing, you're not acting differently - is that making you feel good about yourself? Is that the act of a loving contrite partner on his best behaviour after he begged you to come back?

This sounds like a really toxic relationship.

Gay40 · 08/11/2010 08:41

And this is from a man who begged for another chance? Tell him to fuck off. What you did when you were single is NONE of his business. And if he wants to know all about it, tough.
You've nothing to feel disgusted about at all.

thesunshinesbrightly · 08/11/2010 10:24

He's probably making the snide comments because he slept with someone and he feels bad and hes taking his guilt out on you.

Kiwinyc · 08/11/2010 10:30

Why are you disgusted with yourself? You were single.

Don't tell him anything, its none of his business and he will only use it to control you further.

I would be examining why you are with this man to be honest, he doesn't sound very nice and nor has he 'changed'...

BooBooGlass · 08/11/2010 10:31

I'd be running a mile from this man. Why do you feel you're worth no more than to be with a man who makes you feel afraid and judged?

wholelotofarse · 08/11/2010 10:33

Why are you doubting yourself? You had split up, had there been any contact in this 'split up' time to indicate all was not completely over?

He is being an insecure fool and trying to gain control/power over you. If that is what you want then stay there, say nothing and carry on living this way. However, if this is not what you want, tell him to do one.

coppertop · 08/11/2010 10:35

You've done nothing to feel guilty or disgusted about. You were single.

Your boyfriend might have promised that he would change but it doesn't sound as though he's changed at all tbh.

BooBooGlass · 08/11/2010 10:36

'Do one' is possibly my most favourite phrase ever. I would relish telling someone to do one

wholelotofarse · 08/11/2010 12:58

I have said it a few times, feels great too

Myleetlepony · 08/11/2010 13:14

Your boyfriend sounds a great catch, why on earth have you got back with him? What happened in the two months when you were SINGLE is nothing to do with him, and nothing to feel guilty about. You didn't "slip up", you just had a fling with someone while you were SINGLE. Do I make myself clear?

merrywidow · 08/11/2010 13:21

Please ask yourself why you love this guy so much if he makes you feel 'disgusted' with yourself?

Dis-ease in any relationship spreads like a disease; its only going to get worse by the sound of it.

Original poster

brokengirl · 09/11/2010 02:52

Thank all of you for your comments. It has definately made me feel better. Yall are right we were broken up and I had no commitment to him at that time. It just sucks when he makes those comments because I hate lying but I feel like this is a secret I must keep. He always chooses the worst time like sorry for the TMI but like after we get intimate he says I'm not into it so he is SURE I was with someone else, but I am into it. What the hell do I have to do to proove it haha. I had no emotional attachment to the "fling" and to be quite honet I had an anxiety attack when I was with that other guy because I felt like I was still in a relationship. I just need to be confident and be assertive when boyfriend accuses me and I just need to stand firm when I say he's talking nonsense.
Thank yall again.

OP posts:

duchesse · 09/11/2010 03:02

You were separated. As you say you had no idea you'd get back together again. It really is none of his business what you did while broken up. He needs to stop prying and address his less than exemplary behaviour. fwiw if your bf was being abusive or manipulative before you split, he is highly unlikely to have changed now. Look after yourself.

Original poster

brokengirl · 09/11/2010 04:37

I know. We just spoke a little while ago and he started up again with that crap. I told him I didn't do anything he was as far as to say he was gonna find a way to get me to go through a lie detector test He said if we got married and he found out about anything that I didn't fess up to he would divorce me. What crap is that. I told him I don't want to put up with this and I was second guessing the reason I let him back in my life. I knew I shouldn't have let him in. I guess things don't change and they were too good to be true.

OP posts:

oxocube · 09/11/2010 06:25

Why on earth are you with this man? Lie detector tests?

And for goodness sake, don't go and marry him. In fact, as you seem to have no financial commitments and no children together, I would suggest running as quiickly as possible in the opposite direction.

duchesse · 09/11/2010 08:40

lie detector test????? Broken- I would dump him now!!

whenallelsefailsmaketea · 09/11/2010 08:49

"after we get intimate he says I'm not into it so he is SURE I was with someone else"

This is going to carry on for the rest of your life if you stay with him. Every time he thinks you are less than 100 percent eager to please him he will press that guilt button to bring you into line.

Do you want a relationship like that? I would consider telling him exactly what happened when you were single so that he can decide whether he is prepared to put it behind him. If he can't you split, sooner rather than slowly and painfully, and if he can deal with it you escape the emotional blackmail he is using on you.

From what you have told us, he sounds horrid. You deserve better!

Mumfun · 09/11/2010 09:56

He doesnt sound as though he will make you happy long term.

QuintessentialShadows · 09/11/2010 10:01

For real?

Dont be a numpty, call it off. He sounds like a control freakish twat.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 09/11/2010 10:02

So basically he thinks he can dictate your behaviour, be the judge of how you should act, know you better than you know yourself, and threaten you?

Honestly, I would tell him straight out that you slept with someone else when you were broken up. You did nothing wrong, you shouldn't be keeping it a secret, and you need to know how he'll react to that.

I bet I bet I BET he won't break up with you. A hundred quid, right now. He'll just hold it over you forever.

QuintessentialShadows · 09/11/2010 10:03

How fucking Dare he start emotional black mail and criticize your sexual efforts when you are intimate?

Wise up to him, please.

dignified · 09/11/2010 10:42

Bin him , he sounds like a controlling whining arse , moods are unacceptable in anyone older than a teenager .

Sometimes a partner whos constantly accusing you of lying / sleeping around ect is actually the one doing the lying , something i learned not long ago. Its not a sign of love or jealousy , but probabaly a fear that you might have the same morals as him , hes probably afraid that your like him.

Bast · 09/11/2010 11:58

Hang on!

I don't think it's unreasonable for your long term partner to ask if you slept with anyone else during your (relatively short) break, at all.

Your mistake has been to behave as if it is something to be ashamed of - and to lie, particularly to someone with issues surrounding trust in honesty ...it almost seems cruel.

It's quite possible that after five years together, he can tell that you aren't being honest.

Tell him about sleeping with someone else (and assert your right to having done so), assert your right not to discuss what you did whilst single (and stop lying!), or leave him.

Stop playing games with him and winding yourself up over a guilt that could have been avoided with honesty or assertiveness in the first place.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread