Feeling very hurt by close friend's behaviour on my wedding day?

[littleduck]

I had a close group of girlfriends at school, one in particular, and we had known each other for nearly 20 years by the time I got married.

I asked this close friend to do a reading at my wedding and she agreed. The wedding was planned for the same day as her birthday and she knew quite a few people who were coming along - so double party for her, or so I thought.

She rang me about 3 months before the wedding asking if it was still going ahead on her birthday. Was a bit surprised at her question as clearly I would have told her if the plans had changed but I said yes, all going ahead as planned, why?

She was hardly in touch before the wedding and couldn't make my hen do as she was away on a trip overseas. I said I was sad she wouldn't be there and would miss her and her response was more or less that she'd already made her plans so I'd just have to get on with it.

Anyway we got to the wedding day itself and she did the reading. The reception was a late afternoon/early evening fizz and canapes do as we were on a tight budget. DH were due to leave at 8. Just after the speeches she came up to me and said she was leaving as she had to go to her birthday dinner. I said we'd only be another half an hour or so and was there any way she could stay to see us off? She said no, they had a table booked, and left taking her sister and two other guests with her.

I was really really hurt by this, to the extent that I was in tears on my honeymoon about it. She had had nearly a year to telephone and ask me about the timings and could easily have arranged her dinner for a bit later - the wedding was in London and she lives there too, and most places are open quite late on Saturdays. Or if she had to leave early, she could at least have told me in advance.

I later found out that she didn't have a table booked anywhere at all, she was just having a dinner at home.

There are other things too but I won't go into them.

Thing is, her sister got in touch a few years via Facebook and we have met and get on fine. I explained how upset I was by what my friend had done and the sister was genuinely mortified, I don't think she knew that my friend hadn't discussed it with me.

Weirdly the ex friend came running out of a pub the other week to say hello as I was walking past with DD. I hadn't seen her for years and kind of wondered why she bothered although of course I was polite to her.

I just think that someone who was really my friend would not have behaved as she did - especially if you have a major part to play in the wedding, surely it's a bit off. The reason I ask is that seemingly she thinks I am unreasonable and selfish for being upset by what she did.

Your thoughts....

I haven't meant to be cryptic by saying there was other stuff which had gone on. It was unrelated and would have taken a long time to explain and I didn't want to bore anyone.

It wasn't a long day, 3.30 until 8.

Yes I probably over-reacted but it hadn't been an easy time. My father did not attend my wedding as he broke contact with me after leaving my mother a few years before for another woman. I tried to keep contact going by letters and telephone calls but the letters were never answered, he never wanted to talk for long on the phone and one day the phone wasn't answered either. He had moved away and didn't leave or send any contact details. So by the time I got married I didn't know where he was to tell him about it or send an invite. My mother walked me up the aisle. Perhaps I hoped people would stay right through because they knew it wouldn't be the easiest day and wanted to support us - but perhaps that is not reasonable.

I didn't really think it was asking such a very great deal for my friend to stay for the whole thing, especially as she had an important role on the day and it wasn't the longest event. I still don't think it was that unreasonable and I would have stuck around for her, if it had been her wedding. Most seem to disagree with that - well ok, I take on board what you say but I don't think it was necessary to call me childish and ridiculous (which a couple of posters did). It is a relief to know that at least a few do understand where I'm coming from though.

Everyone who says I need to move on is right. I'm finding it hard to do. Maybe it is part of some odd sub-conscious nostalgia for the days when we were great mates, when my dad was still around, and a lot of sadness hadn't happened.

Yes i also think you need to move on. My best friend let me down on my big day &never showed up and she was my bridesmaid, i never held it against her though.

If she was a very close, dear friend of mine who suddenly acted a bit peculiar on my wedding day i would be really hurt to be honest, when our good friends got married we cleared our diaries for an entire weekend for stag/hen parties, (b4 kids came along) and we dedicated the whole weekend to their wedding day, even picking them up from their hotel the morning after and dropped them to the airport, and they did pretty much the same for us, its been the same with our kids christenings etc, so if my friend on my wedding day decided to go home early to have a takeaway or cook a steak dinner, (what else was she really going to do??) i would be very hurt, and upset! but it all depends on how good your friendship was and if you had ever done the same for her, or to her in the past.

I think you are upset because you wanted this friend to still feel the same - still best friends, but she was drifting away even before the wedding day. That is probably more hurtful than if you had had a falling out. Most of us would rather have a bust up and walk away from a severed friendship with at least the drama of wronged feelings and fractured affections. But it sounds like she just lost interest with is uncomfortable as it is just about us maybe being less fun, less charming or interesting. Not nearly as easy to let go in those circumstances.
She just moved on. Very hard to be on the receiving end of.
But let it go. Don't try and find some angst to hang on to.

elmo you never held it against her? really? presumably something pretty major had happened then

pagwatch- you make a very good point.

Of course you're hurt. I think those who say that you were being a little diva-ish on your wedding day are missing the point, and the point is that you clearly didn't mean as much to her as she did to you.

Obviously your wedding day was never going to be as important to her as it was to you, but fgs you reach and age where birthdays aren't very important, your own or anyone elses, and yet, when clearly this was the case for her (i.e. she hadn't even booked anywhere special or spoken to you about her very important birthday plans prior to your wedding) yet she still prioritised these plans above your wedding/your friendship.
It's not about the wedding, it's about the friendship, and you're best shot of her.

My best friend let me down on my big day & never showed up and she was my bridesmaid, i never held it against her though.

elmofan wow that is good of you. I don't think I could have forgiven that....

in regards to elmofans friend, depends why she didnt turn up, i mean if she was ill fair enough, but if she just found something better to do or was too wrapped up in a new bloke etc then shame on her i would say,

i think pagwatch has it.

No -nothing major happened to stop her coming but i knew she was feeling very low in herself at the time & after my honeymoon i rang her to invite her over & have a chat over a bottle of wine & decided that i could hold grudges for the rest of my life or forgive her & carry on with a great 20 year friendship. She is now a fantastic godmother to ds.

To walk out of a party before the end and bring several guests with you to have a competing party of your own is horrible.

The mn anti-wedding psychosis has no bearing here.

It doesn't sound like you drifted, it sounds like she had issues with you and one of her ways of making her point was to make sure you knew how unimportant your wedding was to her.

yes, i am coming round on this, skidoodly. i don't think i had realised it was such a short day.

This friend doesn't wish to be a friend and lied and behaved out of character instead of being straight with you. People change. Don't go thinking you are a person no one wants to be mates with. It happens to everyone. You can't keep friends with everyone or you'd not have time for new friends.

That friendship has ended. Don't be bitter. Mentally wish her well with her life. Remember the fun. And move on. It's her loss.

Were you a bit bridezilla-ish in the weeks prior to the wedding?

Did something happen to cause her upset?

To me it sounds like she wasn't your friend a while before it.

Was it her thirtieth or her fortieth perhaps?

I think I might feel what I didn't have more accutely on my birthday iyswim. Things that I'd take in my stride any other day of the year might just seem a little harder to bear on my birthday, eg watchign a friend get married when I'm single, hearing about promotions, new houses, babies etc (depending on what you haven't got).

She only left HALF AN HOUR before you!!!

Hi little duck,

I understand what you mean when you say it is the nostalgia and looking back over old times and the number of years you were friends. Its hard to get over somebody who has always been a part of your life its like losing a family member out of your life with some friendships. I have a similar situation with a friend who I lost contact with a few years ago and sometimes it still hurts now and I miss her. But a lot of things happened . In the end we had one almighty bust up and that was it. I think when it ends that way it fEels like unfinished business and u punish yourself and find it hard to move on. I understand this I find it hard to accept its over and let go. I still look back on something now and blame myself and feel guilty. However I don't think it was all my fault on why things came to an end and I wasn't the only one to say bad things in arguements. I struggle to move on. Does anybody know how you do move on completley? Xx

I think she was terribly rude not to discuss her plans before, to take guests with her, and to go early in the first place instead of waiting that half hour, and I don't understand everyone being so mean to you Littleducks.

Birthday celebrations, especially meals at home, are a simple thing to rearrange!

(Could she have had a row with someone else at the wedding and felt desperate to escape maybe?)

All very well saying that she only left half an hour early, but surely that almost makes things worse - why she couldn't delay her birthday dinner by a measly thirty minutes to see her friend and her new husband off on their wedding day?

What a horrible person she was to you, OP. I would have cried, too.

However as others have said, time to move on.

After your father's rejection, and the fact that he wasn't there on your wedding day, to have your close friend walk out too must have felt like another rejection (whether she meant it that way is another matter). Maybe it wouldn't have been such a big deal if all was ok with your parents.

Yes I agree with jenai - i would have cried too, especially feeling fragile over your father's absence.

You deserve a better friendship than that, littleducks.