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Original poster

Feeling very hurt by close friend's behaviour on my wedding day?

96 replies

littleduck · 07/11/2010 22:19

I had a close group of girlfriends at school, one in particular, and we had known each other for nearly 20 years by the time I got married.

I asked this close friend to do a reading at my wedding and she agreed. The wedding was planned for the same day as her birthday and she knew quite a few people who were coming along - so double party for her, or so I thought.

She rang me about 3 months before the wedding asking if it was still going ahead on her birthday. Was a bit surprised at her question as clearly I would have told her if the plans had changed but I said yes, all going ahead as planned, why?

She was hardly in touch before the wedding and couldn't make my hen do as she was away on a trip overseas. I said I was sad she wouldn't be there and would miss her and her response was more or less that she'd already made her plans so I'd just have to get on with it.

Anyway we got to the wedding day itself and she did the reading. The reception was a late afternoon/early evening fizz and canapes do as we were on a tight budget. DH were due to leave at 8. Just after the speeches she came up to me and said she was leaving as she had to go to her birthday dinner. I said we'd only be another half an hour or so and was there any way she could stay to see us off? She said no, they had a table booked, and left taking her sister and two other guests with her.

I was really really hurt by this, to the extent that I was in tears on my honeymoon about it. She had had nearly a year to telephone and ask me about the timings and could easily have arranged her dinner for a bit later - the wedding was in London and she lives there too, and most places are open quite late on Saturdays. Or if she had to leave early, she could at least have told me in advance.

I later found out that she didn't have a table booked anywhere at all, she was just having a dinner at home.

There are other things too but I won't go into them.

Thing is, her sister got in touch a few years via Facebook and we have met and get on fine. I explained how upset I was by what my friend had done and the sister was genuinely mortified, I don't think she knew that my friend hadn't discussed it with me.

Weirdly the ex friend came running out of a pub the other week to say hello as I was walking past with DD. I hadn't seen her for years and kind of wondered why she bothered although of course I was polite to her.

I just think that someone who was really my friend would not have behaved as she did - especially if you have a major part to play in the wedding, surely it's a bit off. The reason I ask is that seemingly she thinks I am unreasonable and selfish for being upset by what she did.

Your thoughts....

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 07/11/2010 22:51

bottom line, though, it wasn't up to you to dictate what she did on her birthday.

rubyslippers · 07/11/2010 22:52

Her birthday was clearly special to her

TheBolter · 07/11/2010 22:52

I can see why you were upset over her asking you to be a bridesmaid then changing her mind. Appalling etiquette!

I think you need to move on and just accept that you were both a bit prima donna-ish about your 'special days' (her slightly more so as a birthday comes every year, a wedding once in a lifetime - I hope!). I think you should just move on.

I look back at some of the selfish behaviour I displayed when I got married in my twenties and I cringe. I think we were all a bit me me me back then! Makes me cringe. Perhaps she is cringing now too!

Original poster
littleduck · 07/11/2010 22:52

Like I say seeing her again has brought it to my mind. I've been trying to see what her point of view might have been and the comments above have been useful for that, although not sure how helpful it is to be called childish and ridiculous.

OP posts:
TheBolter · 07/11/2010 22:53

Could I mention the word 'cringe' once more perhaps? Grin

TheBolter · 07/11/2010 22:55

littleduck, you're not childish or ridiculous. It's very easy to say that when you're not the one who feels as if their feelings have been walked over! (Or perhaps they just have rhino hide - not always the best thing for empathic judgements!)

piratecat · 07/11/2010 22:55

my close aunty told me to fuck off on my wedding day, hurt like hell and it ruined my day.

you got to move on Sad

TheBolter · 07/11/2010 22:55

piratecat Shock

muddleduck · 07/11/2010 22:55

My guess is that she left early for the same reason that she didn't want you as a bridesmaid. Whatever that was.
Obviously more to this.

Imarriedafrog · 07/11/2010 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piratecat · 07/11/2010 22:56

i know, it was shite.

Original poster
littleduck · 07/11/2010 22:58

The Bolter - feel free. I cringe at a lot of stuff I used to do.

Bottom line, I'm not sure now how much of a friend she really was. If she hadn't had an important role at the wedding, or if I hadn't thought she was such a close friend, I wouldn't have minded so much I guess.

OP posts:
warthog · 07/11/2010 22:58

she sounds awful. i would be upset too and certainly wouldn't consider her a friend.

FunnysInTheGardenWithASparkler · 07/11/2010 22:59

as unprune said, maybe she was not as close to you as you thought?

muddleduck · 07/11/2010 23:00

Was she sulking because she wasn't a bridesmaid?

Original poster
littleduck · 07/11/2010 23:02

Piratecat, that's horrible, I'm really sorry to hear that.

Muddleduck - I agree. I am willing to bet she would have stayed if I had married a former boyfriend who she really liked, she couldn't see enough of me then but didn't seem to care for DH much and I saw much less of her after we got together.

Imarried - I see her sister, as I say she was mortified.

OP posts:
flyingzebra · 07/11/2010 23:03

Weeelll, one of my oldest friends dropped into conversation that it was perfect that the speeches at my wedding would be over at 7 as it meant she could get theatre tickets to see a show in the town it was in.

I was a bit peeved off about it as I knew I wouldn't have had a chance to SEE her til the speeches were over and although I really appreciated her making the effort to travel 100 miles to our wedding I did kind of expect her to be there for the whole day.

I wouldn't have made me cry and cry and cry on my honemyoon but I would have been a bit Hmm if she had just buggered off to see a show halfway through.

So, YANBU to be a bit hurt but I don't think you should let it bug you loads, it was only half an hour?

EsioTrot · 07/11/2010 23:03

I'm with Imarriedafrog YANBU to have been upset about this at the time, although to be crying about it on your honeymoon is a big reaction.

I do think you need to let it go now though. It was upsetting for you at the time, but don't let it upset you any longer.

Original poster
littleduck · 07/11/2010 23:04

Unprune and Funnys - I think maybe you are right, my idea of our friendship was possibly what it had once been rather than what it actually was by the time I got married.

OP posts:
sayithowitis · 07/11/2010 23:05

Since you haven't said what these 'other things' were and have focussed your OP on the wedding situation, I can only say what I think about that. Personally, I think she had played her part in your wedding, as someone else said. the last half hour was unlikely to have been spent with just her and it was her birthday. She is entitled to want to celebrate her birthday. It doesn't matter how many of your guests she knew, your wedding was never going to be a celebration of her birthday unless you specifically arranged it as such and allowed her to invite her own guests! But of course, that would be ridiculous! So she chose to attend your wedding, play the part you had asked of her and to leave a little before the end. I don't see the problem. It is something I have had to do on occasions. A very dear got married on my grandmother's 70th birthday. I had a part to play in my friend's wedding but naturally, I wanted to celebrate with my grandmother as well. My friend's attitude was that she had no problem at all, especially as, like your friend, I was only leaving a little while before her and her new husband.

Just because your friend wasn't celebrating a 'big' birthday, doesn't mean she is any less entitled to celebrate it : IMO every birthday is special.

Original poster
littleduck · 07/11/2010 23:06

I know I need to let it go. Being friendly with her sister makes it a bit hard to do that, because obviously I ask after the friend etc and her sister tells me about what she is up to as well.

OP posts:
LoveBeingAMummy · 07/11/2010 23:06

I don't understand, she left half an hour earlier than you AND it was her birthday. Is that really why you are upset? It's seems an over reaction to cry and cry And to have culled them

FunnysInTheGardenWithASparkler · 07/11/2010 23:07

littleduck you are most probably well rid, without wishing to sound unduly harsh. Don't spend a moment more worrying about her, and concentrate on the good friends you have now instead

Original poster
littleduck · 07/11/2010 23:10

sayit - but at least you had the decency to tell your friend what you were planning. I wouldn't have minded as much if she had let me know beforehand.

And just to be clear it wasn't a major case of floods of tears. Just a very minor sob.

OP posts:
jasper · 07/11/2010 23:16

littelduck, its all very well for you to say you would not have minded if she had told you in advance.

SHE does not know that. She probably concealed the truth because she thought the truth would upset you.
WHICH IT HAS!