dh creating housework/no adult time

[whatkatydidathome]

dh and I keep arguing about the children (5,8,10). He works FT from home and I work PT. Since we had our first we have always argued about having "adult time". (I want some - he delays putting the kids to bed). At the moment we rarely eat before about 10.30 pm, children all still up now as I type. dh is happy to help but, for example, insists on giving children what they want for each meal (so 3 separate meals ebvery meal time), letting the 5 year old dictate bedtime routine (so it takes about an hour) etc. If I try to get him to given them all the same for tea he gets cross, says that I'm dictatign to him, that he is happy to do it - but then there is no time to do the rest (sandwiches for school (3 different lots of courses), school uniform, room tidying (dh says children are too young to help). The same is tue of the rest of the housework - he will no tthrow anything away so all cupboards are full so everything is a mess and I can't do it when he is out as he is always here. It is really gettign me down - children are turning into spoilt brats, house is a cluttered pigstye and they just never go to bed. Any suggestions? Does anyone else have a husband like this?

No,thank God!! I really sympathise with you,sounds crazy,do you have no say in how things are done? try telling him that you are both parents,a partnership and therefore your opinions should be considered and respected.

That sounds very tough on you

Your children aren't too young to help... My 4 year old picks up after himself!

It is unreasonable to make 3 different meals unless allergies are involved

10.30 is way too late - do your kids struggle to get up in the morning?

You need to find some compromises here. Would your DH Agree to some house rules? A reward system for chores etc?

Why is your DH so indulgent? My DH is much softer with ours (for a lot of complex reasons) but we have consistent bedtimes and try to have some boundaries

Your children are being brought up spoiled. They are too young to have so many chocies which only confuses kids, and you are making rods for your own backs.

Eating at that time of night is crazy- and very unhealthy. You need to eat at least 2 hrs before bed.

It sounds as if he is avoiding time alone with you. Why? is he avoiding intimacy and the children are scapegoats or is this another man on a power trip who controls you via the children's routines?

Seriously why is he like that?

Was he neglected or overindulged?

He says you're dictating to him if you suggest the same meal for all yet he is being dictated to by his children.

Children need boundaries and, as you say yourself, they are becoming spoilt brats. If this indulgence from him continues they will become worse as they get older. He is really not doing them any favours by being so weak with them.

The same meal for all, stipulated bed time for all and boundaries for all.

We do eat 2 hours before bed - rarely get to bed before 1.30 and so are shattered most of the time (youngest comes up every night). Children do not appear to need much sleep which is part of the problem. We didn't have sex for about 3 years after youngest was born but do now, usually iniciated by dh, so I don't think that he is avoiding physical imtamacy.
I have tried to set rules (eg cereal for breakfast or just half an hour bedtime routine for youngest) but he always says that as he is doing the work then I am being a CF however when I call his bluff and put ds to bed myself he gets really angry and says that I'm trying to divide him from his chidren. I think that maybe he is playing head games - he does other things like eats horrid, often past sell by date food, scraps etc whereas we can easily afford to eat better food and I do but he always makes a point (jokingly) of saying that he "has" to eat (say) value chocolat whilst I'm lady muck eating posh stuff but I do not want to spend my life watching every penny whe we do not need to - we are not rich but comfortabe - certainly can afford the odd decent box of chocs - but it takes the edge off eating them when he is sittign there saying "poor me, I #have# to eat this stuff" in a nice way but stil saying it. He doesnt manage to control me (am not the controllable type ) but am gettign more and more miserable in this relationship as I just want a "normal" life - I want to sit an dwatch a film with dh or drink a bottle of wine etc; not just argue about then the kids should go to bed. Our 5 year old (actually only 4) is still up now (gone 9). I have cooked dinner for me and dh, but he is sittign on the loo reading whilst ds watched TV. If I say "put hm to bed" we will row. If I do it then he will get cross :(.

sounds awful

Put him to bed. Just do it.
It seems that one of you is going to be unhappy either way...why choose for it to be you?
A 4 year old with school tomorrow should have been in bed at least an hour ago.
When was it decided that your DH was completely in charge of dinner and bedtime?

It does sound bad ...

I am not sure where yup can go with this - the food thing is very weird IMO

He had quite a austere childhood by todays standards - not neglected - but says that he was never allowed to open a new box of cereal until old one eaten (much the same as most I guess) but now does not get on with his parents (they simply do not appear to like him which is sad). They are also very tight with money. dh is not with me or th ekids but will not spend on himself. I wonder if he is afraid that his rlationship with his children will end up like his is with his folks unless he spoils them but I cannot talk to him about this as he has no patience with anything "psycological" - getting cross and shoutign if I try to suggest that his feelings or subcousious in any way affect his actions. Thinks of himslef a purely logical and driven by facts.

Oh God, why do women put up with these dickheads?
Sorry but tonight this forum is full of men with issues who just need to grow up or see a therapist or both. Sorry but you need to be firmer with him.

Your whole family need to go to bed earlier- this is not a good set up for anyone.

Take control even if it means things get worse before they get better.

It's very controlling behaviour. Is there a possibility that because he can't control you he is transferring his need to control to his children?

is this another man on a power trip who controls you via the children's routines?

Ditto Karman- I posted that a while back. Yes, it is.

You need to put your foot down re. bedtimes.
Not only is it bad for you but it's also bad for your DC. Children need a set bedtime, a proper routine, it makes them more secure human beings.

I think your DH does not realize that he is doing more harm than good. You need to take control of the kids routine and establish some good boundaries to stick by.

Good luck, hope you can make the changes you need.

He has always put them to bed if he has been hme. Used to work v long hours/away so wasn't wround much with the older two. Maybe he wants to make the most of the youngest? He gets upset if I do bedtime for him. With meals if I am not working then I try to do the but the kids are far from stupid :) and so will always try to find daddy and ask him - often wil leave what I produce adn tell him that they are hungry later so then he feeds them. dd is getting fat but dh still gives her cheese/crisps like it is going out of fashion and will row with me in front of her if I say "no". I have talked to him about what it will be like to be a fat teenage girl but he just says that sh ehas his body type (he tends to fat but exersices to keep it off) and that this means that it is inevitabe that sh ewill get fat so why bother making her life miserable by giving her "horrible food" (ie nice food).

Am beginning to think that it is a control thing - dh does not like me "going on the computer" (which is unfair as my job is online so mainly i work on the computer) and has now said that the bread for sandwiches has all been cut and will go stale so he will have to stop putting ds to bed and make sandwiches - hence I need to stop typin gnow adn make them.

I am happy to make them :) just would rather make them after we have eaten and eat earlier

Whoa.

You guys are not on the same page at all are you?

I would suggest some Relate or marriage counselling as you are both battling on these issues. The children are not seeing a united front which will be unsettling and damaging them as well as showing them that you don't respect each other at all.

Major alarm bells ringing for me. He is very controlling IMO.

Right well he is depriving you of putting them to bed.
It's got to change.
How about you take turns with the bedtime duties? We do that and it works well, DP one night and I do it the next.

I think that is fair and would be a good start in getting some control back.

Em, why are you not allowed to put your own child to bed? You are his mother, this is completely unreasonable of your dh.
He is depriving you of time to wind down at the end of the day and is not doing the best by your children who would do better with a bedtime routine and regular bed time. Could you present this "logic" man with a parenting book or some evidence of the amount of sleep that children need to thrive.?

Sandwiches made :). We have a house full of parenting books :). The taking turns thing is hard as ds tends to scream for the whole drawn out roitine that dh has got him used to. I think that you are all right though and I do need to take control somehow. It is just that everything is such a mess as they have so many toys and dh keeps buying more (from charity shops mainly so it is not the cost - just where we put it all). and I just feel overwhelmed by it all and the children are always there - ie up. ds2 is now back up (he went to bed earlier) as he has toothache and dh would not give him his painkillers earlier when I said (specifically so that he would not reppear now as I know that they would start hurting now) but insisted that he didn't need them earlier (exactly 8 hours after last lot) but shoudl wait until they srtated to actually hurt.

Your children and your DH are running rings round you.

Make changes, fast.

Well start out with the routine he is used to then gradually cut it back.
Bath, couple of stories or songs and a drink and a cuddle. shouldn't take more than an hour and if you start it early enough you can get bedtime earlier. Any more than that is getting silly!

How about trying to get the children up earlier so they are more tired at night?
Wake them up at 7 and they'll be knackered by 8.30/9.

BTW our DH is abusing your eldest DD by feeding her junk that is giving her a weight problem; that is not care- it's neglect.

he needs therapy- can you persuade him to seek it out ?

Get rid of the parenting books.

Someone needs to be an adult in your house and at the moment, your children seem to be taking on that role, controlling all sorts.

Get them to bed earlier, get them eating earlier. Remove choices and get some adult time back. Your DH needs a sharp shock. Does he really like the way that things are? It will be a hard few weeks, but you need to get through it.

His childhood is clearly affecting him more than he realises and he is trying to give the children the childhood he wanted.

To argue with you about your DD's diet in front of her is unacceptable. To indulge a child who is becoming fat with unhealthy food is just plain wrong. He will be the first up in arms if she becomes a target for bullies at school.

I'm sorry but this man is not doing his children any favours. When they grow up and disrespect him completely, which they will do, he will not understand why. They are realising now that they can walk all over him.

He is controlling you and your actions, without any real benefit to him, which seems bizarre

The bread can go in a box or something for half an hour, no?

How have you let this continue for so long?