DH and temper tantrums

[IDontWannaBeAStupidGirl]

Have name changed for this.

DH suffers from temper tantrums, and I am his verbal punchbag. Every couple of months he blows up at me over some trivial thing, always because he is angry about something else. I am so sick of being his dog. I have spent so much of my marriage wishing I could see a way out of it because of this.

It happened again yesterday, and it's hurt me even more than usual, because we have just had a good three months, in which we grew closer than we've been for a decade or more. I was even beginning to think maybe I would like to stay with him when the kids leave home, instead of leaving like I planned.

He thinks he can say what he likes to me, as long as he apologises. I'm left filled with suppressed rage, which has nowhere to go. Add in a background of long term resentments about the fact that he has picked all the bits of our joint life that he wants,(career) leaving me the dregs (all the childcare, all the housework) and the mix is pretty toxic.

I'd suggest counselling and anger management personally.
And tbh if that doens't work then you owe it to yourself to leave now rather than when the kids leave. You really do.

Why are you staying until the DC leave home? Don't you deserve to have a happy life?

Does he see that his behaviour is not acceptable?

He thinks apologising is enough. And for many years he didn't even do that. When I told him it wasn't enough, he raised his hands at me in that "I wash my hands of the whole affair, you mad bitch," that made me want to hit him.

I can't leave. I can't support even myself, let alone the kids (who are teenagers). I could barely get minimum wage. My kids adore him, and seem to accept his occasional outbursts at them. They'd never forgive me.

I don't know how you are set financially, but you do not have to stay with an abusive husband because of the money.

There are other posters on MN who can advise you better on that side of things.

Your DC may adore him but don't they get upset at their mother being verbally abused? Is this healthy, to show them that it is ok to accept this bullying?

He doesn't "suffer" from the tantrums, you do!

Would he treat anyone else e.g. his boss or best mate like this? No, thought not.

Life is too short. I would tell him either he seeks help for his anger issues, or leave.

Is there help available? Where?

You are right. He doesn't suffer. It's over for him as soon as he's finished ranting. If anything, it leaves him refreshed, and in a better mood.

Saying that he "suffers" makes it appear that he is not responsible for his actions, that it is an illness.

what do you mean you could barely get minumum wage? of course you would get minumu wage because that is the minimum you can get. if your dcs are teenagers you will have no chidlcare costs. leave. finances are never as much as a problem as they initially seem and shouldn't be a reason to stay. have you contacted womens aid?

cycle of abuse Does this ring any bells?

Do you think that your children are OK with the way they see him treat you? My mum was my dad's verbal punchbag for years, and sadly she still is. If she'd decided to split with him I'd have been so relieved for her.

Dontwanna Has he told you that you won't make it outside his house? has he ranted at you so often and for so long that you have lost all confidence to be able to stand on your own twoo feet?

If that is the case, then this is utterly understandable. Wrong, but understandable.

He is literally dumping all the poisonous thoughts and rage onto you, so purging himself of all that cripples him and dumping it onto you to slowly cripple your confidence, eat away at your self esteem.

It's not a case that the children don't seem to mind it. Sadly they may thing it's the norm. They may just be resigned to it.

As for not forgiving you, that is just a crock. As they are aware of it, and aware that not everyone lives like that, they will admire you for standing up and saying Enough!.

Would you like your DC to come to you in 5, 10, 15 years and tell them they are being yelled at and insulted? That's what you putting up with this and staying with this man is teaching them.

Generations of verbal abuse. It can stop now, but only if you do something. Get help.

Please contact women's aid.

Dur, I meant understandable for you to think that, not understandable for this prize bully to say it..

Check this out....

here

Read the reviews, read the "Inside" pages......then ORDER IT!.

Read the Cycle of Abuse thingy that shimmery posted,

Google Verbal Abuse.....

You are not alone.

DD said a while back (when a friend's parents separated) that she couldn't bear it if we got divorced, and that it was her worst fear.I can't do that to her.

Shimmery that bit about "every time you take a spin on the cycle of abuse you never quite get back to the top" is so true. In fact alot on that web page rings true.

I'll try and talk to DH again. The alternative is too horrible to contemplate.

When my dad left my mum, I thought my world would end.

But should my mum just have put up and shut up with dad having an affair? she certainly tried. But she just couldn't do it.

Who am I to dictate that she gives up her own life, her future. She was in her 40s. I'm guessing you are roughly in the 30/40 bracket.

Your daughter will grow up to expect to be belittled, to be moaned at, criticised and insulted. What happens in 20 years time and you are confronted with her in tears because she is being ritually verbally abused by her DH. She will grow up to expect that all men are like that.

They are not.

You wil not reason with this person. he will not change unless he wants to. You need to tell him that he goes to counselling or you will leave. You need to mean that.

You will end up like that splat on the end of Shimmery's web link. Worse, your daughter will too.

Meant to add. My life didn't end. I have a relationship that I would never ever dreamed of having with my mother if he'd have stayed.

There is no way I'd tell myself to put up with a life as miserable as this one that you are forcing yourself to live for the next 30 or 40 years.

You have to do what needs to be done. The consequences will always prove your decision to be correct. Staying in this for the sake of someone else, who actually still has a life time of learning about relationships, and who one day will move OUT of the home is just daft.

Your H has his punchbag, he will not stop punching until he wants to. You can't change him, he has to want to do it himself. He doesn't take you seriously, you have to tell him to get out, and not return until he's prepared to say sorry, and successfully attend counselling.

Stop looking for excuses, please. Start looking for your self-esteem and your happiness.

As other posters have said you are normalising this behaviour to your children. I hope you don't have sons because normalising this behaviour to your sons is dangerous. You are going to feel bad enough if in 20 years you see your DD going through what you are going through and accepting it but imagine how guilty you will feel if in 20 years you see your DS turn into the image of his father imitating his behaviour because he thinks that's just what families do. Regardless of what your children say you need to make a stand and show them (couldn't care less about him) that it is not right or acceptable.

You will survive on your own. Everyone can you just have to make the step. There is help out there for woman who are victims of domestic abuse. When he's out of the way you can explain to your children why it had to be done and the importance of respect in a relationship. The lessons you teach them then are extremely important, you will teach them they have the right to be happy, to not feel intimidated and to feel loved. Surely all of these things are things you want for your children.

How old is your DD? It may be that he doesn't verbally abuse her at the moment, but I suspect it won't be too long into her teens before he sees her as deserving this type of abuse too.

I think it might be better to leave while she still worries about your life without him, than to wait to leave until she's desperate for you to go.

My father was like this man.

I hate him. I have no relationship with him...now

But when I was a teenager I used to bend over backwards to please him. If my mother had asked should they separate, I would say no. In fact, I developed lots of problems as a young woman (not going into details here) as a direct consequence of trying to please a man who could never be pleased.

I also have no respect for my mother, as a woman who put the needs of her husband above the (true) needs of her children. She is still with him now, after 45 years of marriage, and he still puts her down, humiliates her and is just a poor, poor husband.

This post may not help you much, but just wanted to present a different viewpoint. Your teenagers will protecting you, and that is a shit situation for them.

I am in my 50s. Life alone seems much more scary than when I was young. And the options much more limited.

DD is 12, and I have DSs.

I'm reading all your posts, and trying to decide what to do. Thank you all.

My dad still puts everyone down, but now I see him for who he really is.

I'm glad the stepmonster from hell has to put up with him. Another case of OW, be careful what you wish for. I'm glad my mum grew so much as a person after he left. she now can tell her H to naff off if he needs telling. she'd never have learnt that if Dad had stayed.

I'm glad I only see dad every so often and his power to demean and belittle is gone.

He can catch you off your guard every so often, but I'm finally in a place where I can challenge the shitty ideas he places in my head with his teeny meany comments.

dashes off to MN changing room....

Life alone may seem scary, but what is scarier: that or the thought of another 30 or 40 years being your husband's punchbag?

50 is no age at all. Think of all the things you could do, the things you could experience, the things you could achieve without this deadweight of a man on your shoulders. Try to imagine coming home to a happy home, not having to watch what you say, not having to tread on eggshells in case you upset him.

Visualise a happy, peaceful home for you and your children.

I feel so sad that you think there is no alternative than to keep living as you do.

My P has been verbally dismissive of me, downright nasty etc etc, yawn, yadda yadda.

The scariest thing in the world to me is the thought of still being with him in a year's time.

30 or 40 more years?... Nothing could be worse than that. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than go through that.

You are 50, I will blink and be there, I hope that my son will help, and perhaps my sister and her H as we all grow old.

I may meet someone else, the decent kind that won't abuse, won't be intimidated by my happiness.

Dontwanna. I'm sorry but I hate your screen name, it's not doing anything for you, only reinforcing what your verbally abusive H must have said. Could you consider changing it? It'd do you good!

Women's aid 0808 2000 247

Please listen to the wise advice from the other poster's. You deserve better than this.