DH and temper tantrums

[IDontWannaBeAStupidGirl]

Have name changed for this.

DH suffers from temper tantrums, and I am his verbal punchbag. Every couple of months he blows up at me over some trivial thing, always because he is angry about something else. I am so sick of being his dog. I have spent so much of my marriage wishing I could see a way out of it because of this.

It happened again yesterday, and it's hurt me even more than usual, because we have just had a good three months, in which we grew closer than we've been for a decade or more. I was even beginning to think maybe I would like to stay with him when the kids leave home, instead of leaving like I planned.

He thinks he can say what he likes to me, as long as he apologises. I'm left filled with suppressed rage, which has nowhere to go. Add in a background of long term resentments about the fact that he has picked all the bits of our joint life that he wants,(career) leaving me the dregs (all the childcare, all the housework) and the mix is pretty toxic.

I wish my mother had left my abusive father when I was small

I would not have gone through the shit I went through (yes, he started on me) and neither would she

I'm actually realising here that the situation I am in today is absolutely down to the lack of respect my dad paid my mother. Add to this the never being good enough, being told I was fat when I absolutely wasn't. He only told me this because I looked like him and HE is fat.

P is just like him, but actually worse. He is an extreme version of my dad. I tried for years to please him. doing ever more to get that acceptance. I fought to keep us together, no matter what. i didn't want the relationship to fail, for ME to have been seen to fail.

Trouble is P is so insecure, he needs extreme amounts of adulation and worship to just get through the day. I have also seen him for what he is and realised that he doesn't give anything back, just sucks it all in, gone forever.

I have realised today, now that I made the same mistake as my mum. I now have to find the same strength as she did.

Everyday I know her, I admire her more.

LittleMiss
That is so so sad, but so brave at the same time. I do hope that you find the strength to get out and enjoy your life again.

Not sad Mme, it's a revelation, it explains a lot.

Well we have talked, and he just tried to justify himself. "You don't know how frustrating it is for me doing x..." He obviously thinks his behaviour was acceptable, and I'm over-reacting, and should put up and shut up.

I told him there was no future for us if that's how he felt, and he just said fine, if that's what I wanted. We've been this far on more than one occasion before, and both always bottled it in the end.

I suppose that what's made it worse is the last three months have been so good.I really thought there was a future for us. And I've realised what a good relationship should be like. I don't actually know if I am over-reacting.

I'm looking up divorce lawyers. I'm so scared.

awww, you poor thing

you do realise if you don't take steps to end this, that the rest of your life (and your kid's lives) will be blighted by the "needs" of one man

that cannot be right, can it ?

Fine is that all he had to say?

Hope you do find the courage to go. His lack of respect for you and your dcs stinks.

My dad was aggressive and it's so damaging you wouldn't believe

Like other posters have said I would've been horrified if my parents had divorced but so happy in the long run for us and mum. The control their aggression has over the whole house is so destructive.

He came back in to me and said he'd always thought we would be together for ever. I said it was a long time since I'd thought that, until the last few months.

He suggested marriage guidance counselling and I agreed. I made an appointment at Relate - for both of us. Maybe it's better than the nuclear option.

Well it's a start. So when's your appointment?

Thursday evening.

That's quick. There's a massive waiting list round here.

Hope it goes well for you.

More stuff from the past.

In all the rowing we've done today, I finally plucked up courage to mention the condoms I ofund in his suitcase 12 years ago, when he was wroking away from home Monday to Friday. I've never wanted to deal with this, an dits just added to the festering resentment. His asnwer is that he took them "just in case" - in case he got drunk, and better to have them than not. I don't beleiev this for a minute. I've been on MN long enough to know now for sure that he either had an affair, or was contemplating it. he won't admit it though. I think I'd respect himmore if he did come clean.